3 crashes so far tonight but they all seem to be of the connection variety so... are those really crashes then? Maybe just fender benders?

My goodness I am tired tonight.

After tonight I probably won't be online until I get to the Philippines which is Saturday evening locally. That makes it 3:00 AM Saturday morning for Mistress and Jan. I wish I could give everyone a better idea of when I will be online in the Philippines but last time I flew internationally I slept for 18 hours once I landed. I am sure I won't be so lag-headed this time but it is still hard to be precise.

Itinerary overview:
Leave Phoenix at 8:15 amon Friday morining
Arrive Honolulu at 11:45 am Friday morning

Leave Honolulu at 1:20 pm Friday afternoon
Arrive in Manila at 6:05 pm on Saturday night

WHERE DID FRIDAY GO?!?

It is 6 hours and 30 minutes to Hawaii from Phoenix and then another 10 hours 45 minutes to Manila. I am flying west which means I lose time as I go instead of gaining it by flying east. I like to fly but something tells me the I will be looking forward to getting off the plane after 18 hours.

I need to come to terms with the fact that there is no iPod battery on the market that will last for 18 hours. I am going to have to amuse myself the old-fashioned way by getting a book. Ack! The old kind with pages and ink. How will I ever cope?

I will miss you both this week and if I don't see you before Saturday or Sunday... whichever it is... have a wonderful new year's celebration and please be careful.

499 lines later

I had to do 500 lines for Mistress last week. 500 lines = a major screw up on my part. I turned in the first third to her so she would know that I have been working on them when I asked for more time from her. It was probably not necessary since she would have probably let me have the time either way.

When I turned in the rest of the lines I only turned in a total of 499 lines. Mistress doesn't miss a thing most of the time. I like having such high standards to meet. It is a challenge and I also hate having such high standards to meet because I hate typing lines.

For whatever reason, this time I felt totally ridiculous having to type all those lines. Anyway, Mistress did the math and found that I came up short. She told me and watched me squirm for a while and had me do even MORE lines despite all my whining and begging:

[1:37] Jacquelin Mazi: 10 of them... you may begin now typing them here

She really made me happy right then. To know that she is kind and merciful, yes but more that she is fun.

In the Philippines the team I will be working with will be selling into Australia and will work Australia time, which is a pretty common thing in offshoring. You have to be available when your customers are awake, right? So while I am there, my workdays will start at noon and end at 8:00 pm. If I go eat and such and login to SL at 10 :00 pm, that is 9:00 am on the US east coast. Good for seeing Mistress (I hope) and probably bad for ever seeing poor Jan. Ack! We'll work something out, I promise!

It is starting to sink in that I will be away for so long. I am watching Lucy do the things she does and have a new appreciation for her and of course the same is true of Mr. Gackt but it runs a bit deeper (as one might expect).

This will be a busy few days for me. I need to get a few vaccinations and other things taken care of before I go and I need to review the material I will be training. I have been given ownership of the content that I train but realistically I will need to use the existing materials which is good and bad. I am always much more comfortable training something that I created.

I am still looking forward to going of course. I am just at point where I am appreciating what I have while I have it. I am assuming that access to SL will not be a problem in the Philippines.

Oh my goodness typing lines is awful. Monotonous, humiliating, boring use of my time that could be spent a million other ways. Oy!

I saw Bekkers today:

• I had forgotten how solitary her SL existence is...
• ...which maybe is why no one sees much of Bekkers anymore?
• I never call people by their last name but with her I do for some reason.

I got Mistress a Christmas gift that I felt was appropriate. I had never seen her spend money on herself so trying to pick something for her was a challenge. It occurred to me that she might like something to accessorize some of her things so I got her an attachment for her favorite slave (by default but I'll take what I can get).

Once it is attached I need to speak a line in chat that will let me use IM. So far it is very aggravating. Frustrating might be a better word. I can only IM for 30 seconds after I type the phrase. I am hoping that she will set it to a longer period that I can IM for although if I know her she might not and if I know SL, her options are probably limited.

We met a girl named Desire today. She seemed very nice and I am looking forward to seeing what happens to her.

I need to finish a little over 100 more lines. I worked on them today at work since there was really no one at all to train today. I had completed a lot of lines - well over 150 - when the computer I was using crashed.

I am beginning to sound like a parrot who can only say one thing: "My computer crashed."

I promise that it is more annoying for me than for anyone else.

I talked briefly with Subzero again tonight. We need to get to a place where we are more comfortable chatting with each other. There were longish gaps in our conversation and I found myself at a loss for words which for me, is a rare thing.

Here is what holidays are like with my in-laws (most of whom are really very nice):

• 7 out of 10 adults are smokers.
• Of the 7 smokers, 6 of them smoke heavily.
• If you go outside to escape the smoke, it is either to the back yard where there is a...
• ... festering, green, half full (I am such an optimist) swimming pool or...
• ... to the front yard, where my father-in-law keeps a fire pit burning with wood he has claimed from a random construction site.
• There will be about 4 people I have never seen before and will never see again
• There will be 4 kids (all boys) who range from 8 to 18 and who are all very nice kids
• The food is usually very good when it is freshly made (before the smoke can sink in to it)

When you leave, you are smelly and feel just filthy, you are more tired than a few hours with family should cause you to be and you are aching for a shower. Merry Christmas!

An opportunity for learning tonight:

[0:18] Jacquelin Mazi sighs lightly to herself: "My usual 'meeting place' Sim has vanished.... I don't think to return..... so therefor I don't have a decent place to meet with you subway...... I am not excited about the idea of bringing anyone to my home until I am more positive about them"

[0:19] SubZero Felwitch: I understand Mistress

[0:19] Jacquelin Mazi: perhaps my gackty one can impress me and take us somewhere quiet hm?

[0:19] Emilee Gackt nods quickly and scrambles [for] a LM...

I should have been on my toes and OFFERED to TP us somewhere instead of having Mistress have to ask me.

(Thank you Blogger for having me double space all of a sudden)

We had dinner with friends tonight and then came home and had a small exchange of gifts. I woke a bit later and had the idea to wait for Mistress for a while. She never logged in (no surprise here really... it was about 3:00 am for her) so I went to back to bed. I worked on lines while I waited.

Spell check is not working in Blogger and so I am hereby absolved of all guilt and responsiblilty pertaining to and about spelling, proper or improper as it may be, in this entry of my blog.

No Mistress tonight but plenty of time to work on lines. Jan was online and we had a long overdue talk about a few things but we kept getting back to my existence in SL. It took some doing but I convinced her that I am happy just the way things are.

I know that my time in SL belongs to Mistress and I am grateful that she lets me share it with Jan.

Mistress set something (it could be one of about 10 different things) that is attached to me to 'say' this when I log in:

"I belong to Jacquelin Mazi - I am here to please Her"

I still find ways to mess this up, as simple as it sounds.

The last time I was in SL, I had disappointed Mistress again and I let that become an excuse to check out for a while. I felt like I needed to sort out my feelings, given what had happened and at the time it seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Now, looking back it was quite selfish. Mistress waited, Rachel worried, Jan lost her sweet kitty and I just took some time to myself. I owe all of you an apology.

Mistress has this ability to make a point:

[11:11] Jacquelin Mazi watches glaring at you
[11:11] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:12] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:14] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:15] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:16] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:17] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:18] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:19] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:21] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:22] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:22] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:24] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:26] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:27] Jacquelin Mazi: waiting.... wondering... anticipation.... being ignored... how does it feel?
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget this moment
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget your place
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget what you are
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget... I am watching
[11:36] Jacquelin Mazi watches

In between every one of her '/me watches' I was desperately trying to figure out WHAT she was watching for. Some 'thing' I was supposed to do, you know? I missed the point until I was nearly as exasperated as she must have been over the weekend. She was watching FOR me, not watching until I did something. I swear, for someone with a brain I have to wait for a good excuse to use it sometimes.

Logged in crashed, rebooted, logged in, paid rent. I am now trying to keep a buffer of 14 days rent paid up so that I don't have any more incidents.

I talked for a few minutes with Jan until Mistress came online. It didn't go well with her...

[22:29] Emilee Gackt: I want to be able to tell you that I am doing my best Mistress but Iknow I could have done better on that assignment.
[22:30] Emilee Gackt: You gave me clear instructions and I just remembered the very basics of what you wanted.
[22:32] Emilee Gackt: I hate to have to admit that I am trying to do much Mistress. I come home from work at 6:30 or 7 and only get a few hours at home each day. I know your assignments are not excessively time consuming but they are a relavtiely large percentage of my time at home.
[22:33] Emilee Gackt: So I am losing focus Mistress.
[22:34] Jacquelin Mazi: Get out
[22:35] Emilee Gackt: You mean log off or leave the house Mistress?
[22:35] Jacquelin Mazi: I don't want to see you in this house
[22:35] Jacquelin Mazi: get out

I'm not sure what this means yet. She would want to know my feelings but I am just sort of numb still.

Mistress always amazes with new ways I could make our relationship deeper. Tonight she told me to beg for something and I found it strangely difficult. I've never had to beg for anything (not counting when my brother would make me beg for the last fudgesicle) and it had been forever since I have actually NEEDED anything so badly that I would even get the idea to beg for it.

So I begged and it was probably pretty pathetic. Mistress asked me to beg again and I did and she said that if that was the best I could do she might leave me and maybe tomorrow night I could beg a little better. I probably would have but when she said that I took it to mean that she WOULD leave me there so I stopped begging. In my mind there was no point, including the point that I missed.

[0:46] Jacquelin Mazi: sometimes it is nice to hear the desperation if your voice... the need in your heart... if you give up so easily... maybe I don't believe it?

So I was lost between begging for her and begging for me. I wanted to be let out but I didn't want to persist with something that she had told me I had already failed at. It is a tricky thing to have a Mistress who is so deeply clever.

I did poorly on another assignment for her. Looking back at what I gave her and what she asked for, the critique she gave me of the essay make perfect sense really. I'm not sure why I was so lazy about it. She gave me clear instructions and I (her words here) half-assed it. I need a kick in the head sometimes.

The way Mistress has me fixed right now is a challenge. I am alone and in the dark. When I first logged in I could see where I was and as things rezzed so very slowly as they sometimes do in SL, I could literally see walls closing in on me. It was a very odd thing to watch, seeing such a large area and knowing how small it would become.

In my bleary-headed planning last night I calculated what time I would be online and then sent Mistress an IM saying I'd be here at 9 AM SL time. According to my calculations last night, that would equal 11 AM my time. And first grader could have done the math better than I did. 9 AM SL time is 10 AM my time and so here I sit in a cage, unable to see or go anywhere.

I can see the minimap though and I keep noticing those little dots flying towards me, stopping for a moment or two and then flying away. I must not be very ogle worthy, which is probably a good thing given where I am. Heaven knows what I'm wearing, if anything.

It just occurred to me that I could very easily have been locked in that awful cage with the numbers where I have to do math problems correctly or my time in the cage increases. I guess it's all about perspective isn't it? I guess this cage isn't so bad after all.

It is sometimes such a bother not to be able to use the T word. I did an essay on the Stockholm Syndrome and it was very interesting the more I 'pondered' it. The syndrome:

Stockholm syndrome is a response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker.

Mistress had me do this essay and at first I didn't see why. I couldn't see a connection but as I 'pondered' it, the similarities became clear. I am not a hostage in the normal sense but there is certainly a fondness in me for her.

I am looking forward to talking about this with her. She will no doubt have a very interesting perspective on it.

I turned in my assignments late this week and I am already sorry and not at all looking forward to that conversation. They were due Friday night and I turned them in Saturday night. Mistress is always very understanding if I need more time with things but sometimes events turn out such that asking for more time is impossible. Maybe there is a legitimate reason that I couldn't get them turned in and couldn't ask for more time.

Maybe we had tickets to the Suns game in one of the luxury suites and maybe I had one of the most delicious drinks I've ever tasted and maybe I had too many of them and maybe by the time I got home I had to be dragged to bed and tucked in and didn't stir for hours past the time that my assignments were due. Maybe. Wait, not maybe... that all actually happened.

I've noticed a 'cycle' when Mistress assigns things to me, depending on how difficult or unpleasant the assignment will be. At first I am kind of in a stuporous shock about it and wonder at how I Will possibly accomplish it. Then as it sinks in, I get more used to the idea. I guess it kind of grows on me. Once I get past that, I move into a stage of hoping it will go away. It seldom does but there is still the hope. Then finally, as I am actually doing the assignment or possibly having it done TO me, I have this feeling of relief that I survived it.

Her latest is like this. At first it was kind of exciting but sort of too... personal. As I was doing what she told me to do, I felt myself becoming resigned to it. Now that it is clear that she still plans on going forward with it, I am moving into the adjustment stage where I will convince myself that it isn't so bad. So far it isn't but so far, we haven't really begun with it.

Mistress has been sick lately and I have been busy as usual lately. A bit of good news about that - they have delayed the next group that I will need to train until after the holidays so I should have some time for everyone coming up soon.

There is a possibility that I will go to the Philippines in the spring. A very slim possibility. That will be a very interesting experience if I do go. Goodness knows what time zone they are. It is probably yesterday of next week there right now.

Ahah! It isn't much of an excuse but at least the mystery has been solved:

[19:41] VISTA AO GIRL3 v2008: 3130 bytes free
[19:41] Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS): Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS) is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Script run-time error[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Stack-Heap Collision[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Registering with the Relay Server
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Say: "egzptoys help" for HELP
[19:41] hippoRENT Rental Box 4.1 for Rain Coalcliff: SeaSide Tudor #9 @ Hardangerfjord 40, 131, 23 - Your rental has 0 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds left to run.
[19:41] the heart of a gackty slave: Your key holder is offline.
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: RLV Relay v004: RLV Relay is ON (auto-accept)
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Hello Emilee, RR support version 007, (12921 bytes free)
[19:41] emilee's clit (Chest): emilee's clit (Chest) is unlocked.
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Owner Jacquelin Mazi is offline[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is running RestrainedLife viewer v1.15.1 (SL 1.21.6)
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: RLV support v031 - RestrainedLife viewer v1.15.1 (SL 1.21.6)Attached to left hand412b free
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Emilee's owner is Jacquelin Mazi
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Confirmation: register, 0, Success
19:41] You decline Hanukkah lights (star of David lights) from A group member named Noam Sprocket.
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only whispers: Emilee Gackt attached MoRestraintHUD

Now that I know what to look for, I am sure that rent will be late less often and thank goodness I saw this! I was on my last day of rent and Mistress would have been much less than amused if I missed paying it again.

If pre-Mistress Emilee saw current Emilee's blog, I am sure she would have been sure that all these things were impossible for her to do. All the writing, the punishments, the huge challenges, etc. The old Emilee would have given up long ago. The way I am meaning this - what is in my mind right now - is that Mistress is so good at what she does and is such a quality person in general that she has made this impossible thing a very possible reality for me.

I talked to SubZero today and he asked an interesting question.

[2008/12/09 22:29] SubZero Felwitch: if the Emilee from the time before you met Mistress would read your blog, what would she think?

He was on his way out when he asked this so I suggested that I put my answer here.

The pre-Mistress Emilee? That seems so long ago. It is hard to imagine things in SL without Mistress. The affect she has had on me in SL and RL has been profound. I need to try to remember who I was with then and what I was doing.

I spent most of my SL time on account that is now closed. I had a dear friend and I craved time with her and she was the most depressing person I have ever met. I felt completely wrung out after being with her. I was realizing this just as I met Mistress. THAT Emilee would be very glad to read the blog and see a challenging fulfilling relationship.

On the other hand, the RL Emilee would be shocked. My goodness, the time I devote to Mistress and the brain power I put to her assignments is just huge!

The pre-Mistress Emilee was much more easily fascinated by things in SL and Mistress has ruined all other dominants in SL for me. Not that I mind or have a problem with that of course. Other dominants in SL are just irrelevant to me at this point.

The pre-Mistress Emilee would be amazed at the amount of work that has been put into the blog and just shocked at the content I am sure. No one in my SL past has asked me to do anything in RL, even something so simple as a blog. That was where Mistress started of course and now she is in my mind almost constantly.

The pre-Mistress Emilee would not believe the level of control she has yielded to Mistress. She owns my entire SL, including what I do when I am at the keyboard. Other dominants might say the same thing but she has truly achieved it with me.

I am going to ponder this question a bit more and perhaps put more here about it. It is certainly an interesting concept to consider.

I am very tired tonight but I told Mistress I'd be here. I like making sacrifices for her and feeling the effects of it.

Long ago - in September - Mistress got an IM from a girl who named herself 'Tapegirl.' She had the most absurd profile. No... absurd isn't right and just sounds mean. It was so far fetched though but Mistress gave her a fair conversation and, as the saying goes, gave her enough rope to hang herself with. She (Tapegirl) and I had a few conversations and I could just tell that this girl would flake on us. Call it intuition, instinct, cynicism...

Mistress is so fair to people to give people like Tapegirl a chance at serving such a strong Mistress. In my mind people like her are - this is going to sound SO elitist - not worthy of Mistress and her time and attention. Of course that assumes I AM worthy and there are so many problems with that...

• Assuming is a form of the T word which I've been forbidden to do or to use
• Who am I to decide if I am worthy of her time and attention?
• Who was I to decide that Tapegirl was not worthy?
• Who am I to decide who Mistress should spend time on?
• So on and so on...

I told Mistress about the Christmas gifts at Ivalde. For some reason I am not as disappointed at what she said as I expected I would be. It is fun to get new things but part of the fun is to have someone to share them with and Mistress doesn't much care for skirts, so that just leaves Jan and the fun of going to get free stuff. Mistress said that I can do that vicariously through Jan, which is fine for me, at least for now. Maybe I am just too tired to be disappointed or maybe I am finally starting to get it.

I seem to start out most days with Mistress already in trouble. Yesterday was the same. She put together a rather complicated punishment just for me and pretty much left it open-ended. I was expected another bane existence for an unknown period. At the last moment she called it off but it was a very succinct reminder that as far as I am concerned, she can literally do as she pleases. I don't have to give her permission or 'accept' what she does by clicking something. She does to me as she sees fit, which is of course her right, just as anyone can do anything to something they own.

By the way, I got wireless working again by just rebooting. It is bothersome to me that computers are so inconsistant. Wifi worked fine until I rebooted -> it decides to quit -> I rebooted -> it decides to work. I'm surprised any computer any where actually does what it is supposed to.

Mistress has 3 'things' implanted in me that let her control nearly everything about me. I like her having that much control even I sometimes hate what she does to me. Even though I know I may hate I still crave her to conrtol me however she likes.


There is an amazing number of things she can control and one of them is whether I can see names. When she restricts that, everything anyone says is listed in chat as:


[9:49] A person pats your head
[9:49] A person: good luck

It is very odd to feel so separate from everything and everyone - I can't see names, 'A person.'

I ID'd a problem I've been having. The type of love that I feel for Mistress is different than how I feel about others, like Jan for example. It is a matter of HOW I love Mistress that makes my place before her what it is and it is easy to confuse her for a friend or sister and begin to expect her to do the kinds of things that friends and sisters do.

It makes me feel disappointed in a way that I'll never have that with Mistress. It is as if we are intimately close but still at arm's length from each other but at the same time, if we shared that type of love for each other we'd be nothing more than playing a game and so it makes me glad that I've realized this and that we have what we have as it is. I feel some pride at that and fear that I will flub again but really, that is probably true of everyone - that doubt and fear. I hope it is at least.

Mistress zapped me more times than I can remember today. I never faltered but I wondered where the will to zap myself comes from. She talked about it being helplessness, a need, vulnerability. It is so strangely compelling that I hate that but not only will I do it but that it makes me feel closer to her.

I couldn't blog last night and I know Mistress will be annoyed. Perhaps not as much as I am but she won't be happy.

When she left last night I started work on a few things, one of which was updating my viewer. I couldn't delete the old file that I need to get rid because Windows said I needed permission. It wouldn't let me paste the new file over the old one either, no matter what I tried. Finally I rebooted and it worked just fine - I got the new viewer installed and it works just fine.

I went to login to SL again to do a few more things and couldn't connect because I had no Internet connection. I called Cox and they said it must be the wireless box that isn't working so I looked at that and it requires a security code, which I typed in. Nothing happened for a few minutes and then it said something like 'It is taking an unusually long time to connect.'

Well duh.

There is no way I don't have the correct code. I was looking at a piece of paper that had this written on it:

Wireless Security Code: 6xx5xx3xxx.

I called cox this morning and asked how to connect without the wireless system and now here I am, late with my blog, annoyed and probably in trouble but why doesn't my stupid wireless work all of a sudden?

Now the blog...

I believe that I had a misunderstanding. Looking back at it, it is more likely that a didn't pass a little test, since everything that Mistress does seems to have a point.

Last week sometime - Sunday maybe? - Mistress said this:

[2:34] Jacquelin Mazi: 2 chores for the week....

She then listed the two chores. I took that to mean she was being nice and giving me an easy week and that these two were the only chores I'd need to do and so these WERE the only chores I did.

Last night she asked if I did any of my regular chores and I instantly knew I had flubbed it. Regardless of she was looking for I had lost the opportunity to impress with doing a little extra for her.

I keep getting a little pop up that says Windows needs my wireless key to connect. I know already! Sheesh!

I still crave seeing Mistress and am glad I did, even when I see her so briefly.

A new rule...

[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: its not your birthday.... its not christmas..... maybe it is about Kwanza I think.... but..... either way
[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: you're Mine.....
[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: you own nothing that I do not allow

So no more gifts unless Mistress allows it. Her reasoning is that if someone just gives me whatever I want, I will have no motivation to earn anything and to me it makes sense but I am sure that there are some people - and one in particular - who will find this rule at the very least a nuisance and probably extreme and just mean. To that person, whoever she may be, I have this to say...

You are one of the most true and loyal friends I have made in this world or the other that I sometimes visit and I thank you for being so patient and sacrificing so much just for a bit of MLE time. You are a dear and I know that when Mistress gives me a rule it applies to us both in a way. That you endure with me makes you one of the very best.

Here is a bullet pointed list of things that Mistress and I discussed, some of which are inappropriate to mention here so they've been edited.

• I am not so sick and lame in the leg that she is going to have me shot.
• Rxxxxxxx is happy and is done with Pxxxxx and or Pxxxx.
• I need to mind my Ps and Qs, lest something terrible may happen.
• Subzero and I need to chat ASAP.
• Mistress and I are quite happy together with each other.

A possible reason I never saw the message about rent being due:

[19:16] Bluezy Bleac is Online
[19:16] VISTA AO GIRL3 v2008: 3130 bytes free
[19:16] Purple Rose VINE EARRING RIGHT black: Purple Rose Jewelry. Type /2help for a summary of the commands.
[19:16] Purple Rose VINE EARRING LEFT black: Purple Rose Jewelry. Type /2help for a summary of the commands.
[19:16] Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS): Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS) is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Script run-time error[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Stack-Heap Collision[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Registering with the Relay Server
[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Say: "egzptoys help" for HELP
[19:16] the heart of a gackty slave: Your key holder is offline.
[19:16] Emilee's Ring: RLV Relay v004: RLV Relay is ON (auto-accept)
[19:16] Emilee's Ring: Hello Emilee, RR support version 007, (12921 bytes free)
[19:16] emilee's clit: emilee's clit is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is running RestrainedLife viewer v1.14.2 (SL 1.21.6)
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: RLV support v031 - RestrainedLife viewer v1.14.2 (SL 1.21.6)Attached to left hand412b free
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Emilee's owner is Jacquelin Mazi
[19:17] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Confirmation: register, 0, Success
[19:17] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only whispers: Emilee Gackt attached MoRestraintHUD
[19:17] You decline WRONG MAIN STORE in AlterNation from A group member named Kaysha Sion.
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Owner Jacquelin Mazi is offline

All this appears everytime I login to SL. I'm being login spammed!

I'm blogging and SLing at the same time! I'm with Jan mostly just chatting things over for the first time in forever.

She's just decided that I need a new outfit, courtesy of Scramble. What a fun friend she is!

I got to see a friend (SL friend) this morning and it struck (as it always does when I talk to her) that she has a lot to offer in a lot of ways. The more we talked, the more I saw how much I need to learn and grow with Mistress and how much she (the friend) can teach me.

I am truly grateful for her. Sometimes you see someone do something in their life and you just wonder what to do about it, you know? Support her for sure, regardless. Advice? I'm the last one to give advice to her. I guess the best I can do is wish her happiness and peace.

I got a decent chunk of time with Mistress last. Finally.


I also got a decent chunk of cherry pie on Thanksgiving so in a way, Mistress is a lot like cherry pie. Sweet and tart with a flaky crust and both are yummy with ice cream.


Anyway... I'm back in the world of the clothed and the speaking and I must say that in a way I'm disappointed. Mistress had planned a rather lengthy curriculum for me and has had to change her plans.

She described some things about a mutual friend that were so true of me. Kind of a vague sense of needing approval, needing to belong to someone, needing to be protected. There is more of course but really the heart of it is just what I feel and just what Mistress gives me, regardless of whether she knows it.

If our friend can find what I have in Mistress then I wish her nothing but happiness. My mom's husband would correct me and tell me I should say 'naught but happiness.' Good thing it's none of his beeswax I guess.

It makes me sad that our friend will not find another like Mistress. She is unlike any other.

Watching the news the other night I noticed a reporter who was nearly an identical twin of my SL friend Rachelle. Look:

It is uncanny to me how much they look alike. I wish I had a decent picture of SL Rachelle to compare.

Rachelle is a better friend than this woman is a reporter.

I usually have it pretty lucky either way in SL. Most nights that I log in I am pretty certain to see either Jan or Mistress and tonight it happened that Mistress wasn't online and Jan was so we spent a few very quickly passing hours just catching up on things.

It was a very nice time indeed and I do miss Mistress.

I debated over whether I should blog, or if I am even allowed a this point. I finally decided that I would because it would be less worse to than to not blog.

I am still awed by Mistress sometimes. Her punishments are so tailor made it seems and she knows just how to make things hurt. We were together tonight for a bit and last time for a while longer but still it seems like I haven't seen her in an age. It is odd to miss someone who is right in front of you.

Ow

I ordered a pizza for dinner last night and walked over to get it with Lucy. The pizza place (a little neighborhood store called Domino's) is only about 1/4 mile from the house so Lucy and I usually walk to pick up our order instead of having it delivered.

On the way home I noticed a man with a dog coming towards us and so I veered off towards Walgreen's (another local shop) to avoid any potential leash tugging and pizza dropping. As I stepped off the sidewalk behind Walgreen's, my foot landed on a largish rock that I hadn't noticed because I had a leash in one hand and a pizza in the other. My foot rolled off the rock and when I collapsed in shock/pain, Lucy came and started licking my face. Somehow the pizza survived.

I called Dave, who had is phone on vibrate and didn't hear me call the first 9 (NINE) times. He finally noticed that his phone was lit up and came and got me, Lucy and the pizza. My ankle is turning all sorts of shades of blue and black. It really is charming to behold.

Dave gave me one of the pain pills he had left over from his eye surgery 2 years ago, which konked me out in a flash, but of course meant that I was in lala-land rather than in SL last night.

I waited for Mistress for about 30 minutes or so. I am hating the time difference between us. Between that and our opposite work schedules, our times online together are too rare. Same with Jan but that is more due to my sudden busy-ness at work than our time difference.

My latest blunder

I completely missed paying the rent. I am really very lucky that Mistress happened to check when she did because I had 0 (as in zero) days left on the lease. If she hadn't paid it, not only would everything in the house been returned, we might even have lost it if someone came along at the right time. I suppose you could say that this is the good news.

I'm hesitant to call this the bad news. That seems disrespectful somehow. The other news - good or bad - is that of course Mistress would never let something like this go unpunished. She did after all have to pay the rent on my house.

Part of the punishment seemed very simple. Mistress gave me that 'Not a word' command when she logged in. The last time she said that, it turned out that she was just having a bit of fun but most of the time when she says that she is either busy in IM or - like this time - she is upset with me.

The difficult thing about this was so badly wanting to talk to her and not being able to. I haven't seen her in days and I know she's been slightly under the weather. I was so looking forward to just talking to her. I deprived myself but more importantly, I deprived HER of that pleasure by forgetting something so important.

She has mentioned this before - that we so often need to spend the time we get to share (precious as it is) on punishments. I hate that we have to spend our time like this but I suppose I wouldn't want it to be otherwise. Mistress' steadfast and unchanging consistency is one of the things I admire most about her. It makes me feel safe somehow. It is something that can be counted on and relied on. There is shelter and regularity with her.

On a technical note, she mentioned that I get IMs when the rent is due but for the life of me I don't recall ever seeing one.

[1:21] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may see chat from Jacquelin Mazi
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may TP to Friends for only Jacquelin Mazi
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap

This all looks pretty heinous but the worst is by far that she said 'Not a word.'

I just worked on my chores tonight.

I am missing Mistress more and more and even though Jan was online I had to spend the night doing things for Mistress.

I spent an hour or two with Jan tonight. She always tells me how fun I am, how great she feels when we're together. It's nice. I feel kind of proud after she logs off. Tonight she said she was going to hypnotize me and never snap her fingers:

[22:00] Jaan Dubrovna: "I had a wonderful time with Jan. I must do this at the earliest opportunity"

Doesn't sound all that bad really.

So my plan right now is to take a nap and get up in a bit to see if Mistress is online. One night last week I slept right through my alarm so my plan sometimes differs from my execution.

My goodness things are difficult for me sometimes. I finally got SL working again (yes, again) and I had this feeling of superior euphoria that I could beat the machines at least once. Mistress gave me a few suggestions so I suppose it's a bit misplaced that I felt that success. Either way, I was just happy to have it working again and so I went to blog about my success (Mistress' success).

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Great. But at least blogger was going to walk me through it, right?

Not only were the pictures that blogger provided completely different than what was on my computer screen, but the instructions were useless since once I got in to Tools > Internet Options > etc., the settings were just where they needed to be. I finally just gave up and tried to login to blogger again. When I did, I found the 'Sign In' link had been replaced with a 'Sign Out' link, which meant that I had been signed in the whole time.

The most bothersome thing (well, one of the most bothersome anyway) is that I haven't made any changes at all to my computer, the programs or anything. I haven't added anything or deleted anything. My computer and the way I use it have been utterly unchanged since before all these latest problems started popping up and yet, all these problems keep popping up.

Not only are the machines winning, they are mocking me. I am wary of a robot conspiracy. They must want the silver in my fillings.

I logged in tonight to see Mistress and I had a few assignments due to her. One of them contained the T word so I got a shock even without Mistres's help. Oy.

She is probably more tired than I am and I am anxious to:

• see her
• talk to her
• be with her again
• use plenty of bullet points

Sometimes when I login, Mistress greets with this or something like it:

[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: shhhhhhh
[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: not a word

I'm not sure why or what it is about that greeting that is so compelling to me. From her, I much prefer that to anything else.

Tonight it was all Mistress, all night. No punishments (well maybe one small one but only because she was in a good mood), no assignments, nothing but a few hours spent hanging out, which is a decidedly un-Mistresslike thing to do. A Mistress doesn't 'hang out.' A Mistress keenly observes her surroundings.

We went to the Ranch and I was given a lovely compliment but really it was for Mistress:

[23:59] Kian Hancroft: Your pet is the most impressive put together avatar in here [imho] I thought to pass the complimental thought on . . .
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi smiles
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi: thank you Kian.... I have worked very hard on her to make her one of the best hopefully

We had a very happy night tonight and I am glad to have seen her. Tomorrow will be a looooong day though. I am only going to get a few hours sleep but it is worth it.

I seem to have fixed SL. It was my fault of course; I was pasting a file into the wrong place.

Mistress had another girl she was considering as a slave. She was from Denmark (or somewhere near there - Argentina perhaps? Maybe it was Malaysia?) and her English was good but when she would become emotional (which was often), her English would get sloppy and she was quite difficult to understand. Add to that the fact that her hours online were very minimal and nearly the opposite of when Mistress is online and it just seemed like she was completely destined NOT to be Mistress' slave.

I spent some time with her (Dina was her name), helping her with expectations and such and when she 'disappeared' I really sort wrote her off. Mistress sent me a note of a conversation they had very recently. I have never been more deeply moved by Mistress than I was when I read how she handled this poor girl. Mistress was patient and loyal to this girl and when it became clear that there was no hope of a future together, Mistress was as kind and tender as I have ever seen anyone be.

I was with Jan tonight and I had to look to see who I was talking to. Jan has been super supportive about me becoming a dancer and we were talking about it tonight...

[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sweetie, you really will be fine. Trust me.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Really
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: And it is so not how I want to spend the little time I have left at the end of the day in SL.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt smiles.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Thank you Jan
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Oh, I know.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: You're right of course.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: How does the phrase go?
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sometimes it sucks.......
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Oh my goodness Jan.
[22:55] Emilee Gackt: Mistress would be so proud.

A typical day for me:

• Up at about 6:15 to get ready for work.
• Stop at Starbucks at about 7:10 or 7:15. It's almost time to switch from iced to hot drinks.
• At work from 7:30 - 7:45 until about 6:00.
• Stop at Safeway for something to cook for dinner.
• Home and back out with Lucy for a walk.
• Cooking until 6:45 or so, depending on what the meal is.
• Eat, relax a bit, maybe watch a video or a Suns game.
• In bed at 9:30.
• Up at 12:30 to either fight with SL and try to keep it from crashing or login and see Mistress and Jan.
• Bed at 2 or 3, depending on whether Mistress logged in.

It's not so much her perception as it is my performance. She has an expectation of me that I have only partially lived up to. To say that it is her perception is the problem is wrong. She perceives what I give her. It is what I do that creates her perceptions. If I gave her what she expected of me, her perception would be more positive.

I tried and tried and TRIED to login tonight but my computer and SL refuse to get along. Honestly I feel like a forced break - no matter how small - might be a good thing, given how Mistress has been perceiving my efforts lately.

I am not going to blame it on switching jobs and being busy. Mistress has a set of expectations for me and lately I haven't been measuring up and I am not sure why. When we were together last and she was telling me the ways I might improve my mind was numb and all I could focus on was that I love her. She has been so influential and given me such peace and all I want is to curl up in that.

It isn't obey when I can or if I can or if it fits into my schedule. It's just plain obey.

Ever since I've started working - at a 'real' job - I have enjoyed privilege and freedom beyond what my peers have gotten. It has been due to a combination of things but mostly it is my abilities, my personality and honestly I feel like it has had something to do with my appearance. At work I've been able to do what I want, how I want and when I want and in SL the same has been true for the most part.

Prior to being with Mistress I was in Gor and had the same privileges there as I do at work. I just charmed my way into almost a celebrity status and didn't have to really follow any rules or do what most of the others there had to do. It was sort of this unwritten rule that I was somehow exempt.

It was nice at first and then became a complete bore. I found myself wishing that I would be treated like the others were. I finally have that with Mistress and I am trying to do to her what I do at work and what I did in Gor. She is smart enough to have spotted it and told me that it won't work with her and I am just barely smart enough to recognize it and agree.

I have so many routines in the way I deal with things and how I prioritize what I need to do. Some of it makes sense and some of it is probably unique to me. I have a tendency to put things off when I could probably get them done... which I guess isn't all that unique. It's just lazy. Mistress called it cheating, which confused me for a while. I got too hung up in the definition and missed the point that I hadn't done what she asked of me by the deadline she gave me. Lazy, cheating, call it what you will, I didn't get it done.

I am in no position to argue with her, or look for loopholes or be lazy. I must be obedient and do as she says, as a minimum.

[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have made more effort to contact Xandra for the dance club
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have made an effort to contact dina
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have started making a list of what I need so you can cross them off in the future
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD remember to focus more on emotions and listening to my words

I have slowly slipped from impressing Mistress to being about average or worse. It might be due to work and such but the fact is that I have changed with Mistress and she deserves the old me rather than the more recent lazy, cheating, call it what you will me.

Mistress shared some of her RL with me tonight. Big deal right? I've shared things with Jan and she with me and I've shared things with so many I have met here. It's just somehow different with Mistress. She has this gracious privacy about her and once you know her you know that her RL is not something you just ask about. If she wants or needs me to know something about her RL, she will make sure that at the right time and place, I know it. Having her volunteer RL things is a privilege.


We started out the evening a bit... whatever. I was looking for some cute word. I forgot to blog 2 nights ago when I saw Mistress for the first time in a few days. We spent a few hours together and we ended quite late for me. When she logged off I went straight to bed. There have been times in the past when I have done the same thing... right to bed after logging off and there has always been a little switch that flipped at the second my head hit the pillow that reminded me of the blog.


This time I just zonked out and completely forgot about it. I hate that feeling, not so much because I might get zapped or be left in the cage for endless hours or whatever. Mistress is disappointed when I disappoint her and the punishment is as much having earned a punishment as it is being punished.


If I typed that last sentence in SL chat, she would have told me that it is unclear and to type it again so let me give it another try...

Disappointing Mistress is just as painful to me as any punishment she could dish out.

That might be a bit of an exaggeration but the idea is clear. I hate to disappoint her and I hate that it causes her to be upset when I mess up.

Once we got things settled about my mistake, we talked about how we never talk about politics and then did some chatting in Japanese, sort of.

All Jan, All night. What a fun time we had, me in my box and her in my IM. We just chatted it up like crazy for like three hours.

Last night Mistress and I set a time to meet in SL and I must have gackt it. I kept expecting her to log in, then hoping that she would and then I began realizing that if she did, it would be too late for me to spend any time with her.
What a bugger this is.

I got the boots so I guess that makes me a dancer, right? So if I get a scalpel, am I all of a sudden a surgeon?

I went to do some Scramble at Hell Bop and the entire place was sealed off with one of those 'No Entry' barricades so I went to the coffee place and they have changed the trivia to ultra obscure movie questions.

"What was the name of Captain Video's spaceship?" Um... was it the "I have no clue?"

It's odd how tiring it is to adjust to a new schedule. Of course it might have something to do with the fact that I am doing real work again and not just coordinating things from vendors and such. Mistress and I are trying to find at least a few common times when we can be online together and so far it's been a challenge because of both of our work schedules.

I am in the middle of a five week training class and the vendor-supplied training manuals are 3000 pages long. The FGs (that's how trainers say 'Facilitator's Guides) are twice as long. It's ridiculous! 6000 pages! No wonder I am so beat all the time.

Anyway, back to SL... Mistress and I decided on some boots and I am still waiting to hear from the club where I will be working. It's not a huge secret that I am dreading this but I will give it my best attempt and with Jan's help I might actually not be awful at it. Thank you again Jan!

Boot choices

There looked like they were well made but they might be a bit extreme. There is also a a version of these with 'regular' heels.

These were the nicest I found and there were a few colors available. There was also a similar style in knee high.

I logged in and just worked on a few things for Mistress. I would have loved to see her but it was quite useful having some time just to get caught up my assignments.

I spent the whole night with Jan. It was so nice to just talk. We found some boots that should work and explored a few dance strategies and such. Mostly we just kind of hung out.

I sent an IM to Taralynne; she is the woman I need to talk to about dancing at the club. I must admit I was sort of relieved that she wasn't online tonight but I must also admit that I will be glad when the waiting is over.

Jan has been helping me with my new career as a dancer. She gave me a bunch of new dance anims last night - at least 10 - and took me shopping for something to wear. I still need to get a bit more comfortable with this part of it but the big challenge is going to be the more expressive part of it.


Last night there were all dancers and no audience at the club and tonight there is (so far) no dancers and ALL audience. The only one interacting publicly with anyone else was the DJ, Kathern.

Tonight I got the help I really needed from Mistress - what to say, HOW to say it, how much to say, why to say it, who to say it to... of course it wasn't as cut and dried as I have just made it sound. It was much more of a learn by doing lesson but at this point I feel much more prepared to actually go and do it.

It's funny how Mistress gives me these things to do that I just dread and then I end up so grateful to her for helping me with the huge challenge that I am faced with.

I did a trick I learned from Jan tonight. I was tired when I got home from work so I just went to bed after dinner and got up at 11 or so and logged in to SL. No Mistress but Jan logged in just after I did and we did some catching up and found a dancing outfit. That was her weekly gift to Emilee. *Smiles*

I went to the club just after I logged in and the only people there were 5 dancers - all House of V people - and 3 Goreans. The Gor people were pretty much off by themselves and seemed not to be interested in the dancers, who were ignoring them anyway. When Jan logged in I figured that I wouldn't be missing much at the club so she took me shopping.

After that we did a little outfit comparing and such but the whole time I was trying to suppress this worry that I haven't seen Mistress since Friday. I am too paranoid sometimes but that week when we were apart was kind of icky and not seeing her for so long is a vivid reminder.

Anyway, I had a great first day at work and was almost a celebrity. People kept peeking into the training room to see me. I am really glad to be back there.

SL hasn't crashed like it has for kind of a long time which is good news but here is some new SL wonkiness - the buttons along the bottom of the screen all disappeared tonight so I can't record my login times. Just so I have them down somewhere, they are in at 11:22pm and out at 1:21 am.

Jan IM'd me while I was finishing up some things for Mistress. She is a remarkable friend. She sent me a link to a Youtube SL dancing tutorial. It was about how to use an AO and such to make it more than just a canned animation.

I guess that is part of my fear about dancing. I want it to be better than what you normally see which is a challenge because I don't really know what you normally see. Kind of funny huh?

I saw Mistress briefly tonight. She logs in at 4:00 am to see the gackty and sometimes doesn't last very long which is quite reasonable since she logs in after her workday ends. Tonight was kind of like that. I am worried about our times together going forward. We are already on opposite ends of the country and now we will each be working when the other is home or asleep. I can spend a few late nights but for the first few weeks of my job I will be in training as in I will be trained, not training. I need to learn the curriculum and methods, etc., and will need to be alert for that. Down the road I will probably develop a routine but for now I am worried that my need for sleep will cost me Mistress time.

I don't mean for that to sound like a complaint. I just need to adjust to a new schedule, that's all.

I am a very lucky person.

I've logged in twice today specifically to talk to the woman at the place where Mistress wants me to dance. Both time I completely chickened out. What if she asks about my experience or wants an example? Ack! How am I possibly going to do this?

I went to the place and it was so laggy that I could barely move. Once I got inside there were about 30 people and I counted ten who had the name of the place in their group title.

There was one girl on the main stage (?) and one other on a smaller paltform. The one on the stage said this after I'd been there about ten minutes:

[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: hmmmm still a little quiet in here! Lets show our guests a GREAT TIME!!!!!!! and make this House rock!
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: \o/ \o/
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: Hooo!! Hooo!!
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: / \ / \
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: ~*~* HOV ROCKS *~*~
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: ☆*¨¨*:• HOOOOOO!!!!!!!•.•:*¨*☆
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: Hoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always hated when people do that, partly because it is a bit too cutesy for me and partly because I don't know how to do it myself. Dancing is going to be a HUGE challenge for me. I need to try to make it fun rather than so scary. It is SO unlike anything I've ever experienced.

[16:03] Casiopia Twischer wraps her legs around the pole and gently slides herself up and down, letting light moans release from between her lips

Why is it sexy to dance around a pole? Do men come in to places like this imagining that the pole is their weewee?

I looked the shoes that Casiopia had on and they came from... ugh! Whoreware.

I got this message today:
[15:50] Dax Avatar Status Monitor: Now Online.

I logged in to work on some assignments and saw Rachelle for a fleeting instant. I will be needing her help to keep from being laughed off the stage when I start my dancing career.


My sister called tonight. She has been in Afghanistan for the last year or so and the Army has made it nearly impossible for her to tell me when she is coming home. She called tonight (Thursday) to tell me that she is coming home tomorrow (Friday). Ack!


She of course has the same mom I do and so the only home she has to come home to is my home. Of course she is welcome but the last she told me, she said she would be home right around Thanksgiving. Ack!


We've been furiously preparing a room for her and putting together Ikea furniture. Once she gets settled things should get back to normal fairly quickly, although what 'normal' looks like is still up in the air since I'm starting my new job on Monday. I am picturing lots of reeeeally late nights and groggy afternoons.

I saw Mistress for the first time today in over a week. It's been longer since I've seen Jan.

I'm not feeling well so this will be brief. I will expend on this later.

When a dancer in SL dances, she 'dances' by emoting. Mistress knows this and so to help me with my ongoing problem, I am to get a job as a dancer in SL. I feel utterly and completely and totally unprepared for this, which of course makes me feel scared. I have never seen a dancer in RL.

Ack!

Long chat with Rachelle, the 2nd smartest person in SL

[15:01] rachelle Binder: yes so Lucy doesn't speak does she? i mean in english right?
[15:01] Emilee Gackt: No
[15:02] rachelle Binder: you can just TELL from her reactions how she feels?
[15:02] Emilee Gackt: Right.
[15:02] rachelle Binder nods pausing a long moment letting all that sink in before speaking again


Lucy has an advantage here in that she isn't expected to speak. All she has to do is wag her tail or hide between her legs. I have this huge mess of emotion and history and issues to sort out every time I have to decide how I feel.


[15:04] rachelle Binder: she doesn't even talk and you can read her reactions and know how she feels
[15:04] rachelle Binder: she isn't smart
[15:04] rachelle Binder: she doesn't make important decisions in life
[15:05] rachelle Binder: she must obey you or be punished
[15:05] rachelle Binder: she makes you happy just being there
[15:05] rachelle Binder: and she takes care of you
[15:05] rachelle Binder: and you take care of her
[15:05] Emilee Gackt: Yes
[15:05] rachelle Binder: freaky huh


She gave me a lot to digest, intellectually speaking. Of course we talked for quite a while so there was ample opportunity.


[15:13] rachelle Binder: let me ask you this
[15:13] rachelle Binder: if you were going to punish Lucy and she rebelled and panicked and freaked out and like maybe growled or bit you.... would you be MORE upset?
[15:13] Emilee Gackt: Yes
[15:13] rachelle Binder: verrrrry important lesson there sweets!

................... is what Rachelle's brain does when it is burning and is what my brain is doing right now.

[15:54] rachelle Binder: heres the ..... deal sweets.... or your dilemma.... for whatever i know[15:54] rachelle Binder: you ache to serve and please...

[15:54] rachelle Binder: its so deeply in you

[15:54] rachelle Binder: from your RL
[15:54] rachelle Binder: but
[15:54] rachelle Binder: the problem is....
[15:54] rachelle Binder: you go to SL and realize you can do what you want when you want[15:54] rachelle Binder: so when Someone pushes you....
[15:55] rachelle Binder: you instantly shut off that ache and return to hiding your feelings and rebelling


This is just amazing. She boiled this down in a few lines of text and I've been trying to unravel it for years. Literally years.


[16:50] rachelle Binder: the moral is
[16:50] rachelle Binder: it can ALWAYS be worse
[16:50] rachelle Binder: and if complaining will not work
[16:50] rachelle Binder: then isn't it best to endure and try to accept?


If I have half a brain, I will read and re-read this post until I have it memorized. Of course, only having half a brain might explain why my head is always tilted.


I've been missing Mistress and Jan fiercely and it's my fault. I apologize to you both as sincerely as I possibly can.

I lost my Internet connection at about midnight my time and the automated voice response thing at Cox was absolutely no help at all. I moved some plugs around pretty randomly and seem to be back online but Blogger has taken this opportunity to mess the line spacing again.

Cox will be here between 10 and noon tomorrow to hopefully fix this once and for all and probably charge me a bunch of outrageous fees.

Wondering and waiting.

How much has changed, if anything? What rules still apply?

Is Mistress still keeping me at arm's length? What do I need to be learning at this point? What is the lesson? Am I reading far too much into this? If she isn't online, am I so self-centered to believe that it is about me? Maybe she has an appointment with a doctor, maybe she is out buying socks.

Does she get how stressful this is for me? Then again, how can she not get that? She has been here, just where I am but I have no doubt that she dealt with it more thoroughly than I have. This all seems so second nature to her and such an effort for me.

Mystery solved:

[23:54] Choz Bravin: (Saved Sat Oct 18 12:16:02 2008) umm i think i may have done this by mistake sorry

I came to see Mistress and waited nervously for an hour perhaps. Mondays have always been a busy day for her so it's no surprise that I didn't see her. I feel completely unprepared to see her anyway. I just have this feeling that things have changed although I must admit I have no good reason for feeling this way.

I logged in to pay the rent on the house. I couldn't remember exactly how long we had left. We are now paid for 11 days.

I got a random friendship request from Choz Bravin. Accepted it but IM'd him to ask if it was at Mistress' request. That name sounds vaguely familiar.

Last week I bought some flavored sparkling water to give my daily water ration some variety. I got key lime and blackberry just as a start to see if I even like the stuff. It is in bigger bottles than a standard water bottle but if I liked it, I figured it would be worth it.When I told Mistress about it she made a comment that it was a bit 'free' of me to just go and do that without even asking her.

What she said made me realize that we are farther apart than I felt we were. In her mind she owns my ability to decide what to drink. In my mind it is just a simple choice - this water or that water.

What about getting freebies? I 'bought' a few things today and then it occurred to me that I really ought to ask Mistress first. I am sure her first reaction would be that no girl of hers is going to run around in freebies but these are actually nice looking.

Same as above - Mistress owns my look and my inventory. She LETS me have clothes and shoes, etc. My response should be to thank her for what I have instead of asking for more and complaining.

I've been given this week to get things sorted out. There is only one real choice at the end of the week although she listed a few. I blogged a few days ago that I have to figure this out and that was the first choice she gave me. Not in so many words but that was the heart of it.

She is a brilliant, fascinating person.

SL is crashing my computer less but freezing up more.

Blogger is as wonky as SL is

Skip down two posts to the one about Jan. I put a quote from our conversation in the blog entry. She entered the text at 12:52 am SL time and I posted to the blog at about 1:15 am (give or take ten minutes or so) but Blogger says that the post was posted at 12:43 am.

Weird huh?

I need to remember this...

[14:48] Jacquelin Mazi: let me tell you what 'I' enjoy more than anything..... 'effort'.... creativity.... originality....... oh yes well control is maybe an obvious one *smiles*.... I LOVE knowing that I am pushing you SOOO MUCH and EVERY TIME you succeed... I appreciate you more

All Jan and no Mistress tonight

What makes Jan a very good friend and very good for me:

[0:15] Jaan Dubrovna: do you mind if I try it? I mean i don't want to sound like I am mocking althought it might
[0:16] Emilee Gackt smiles sincerely. "I just love you Jan! PLEASE try!"
[0:16] Jaan Dubrovna: but I would like to see what it is like if you don't mind.
[0:17] Jaan Dubrovna ponders hesitantly This is a definite challenge
[0:17] Emilee Gackt smiles happily. "Yes it is! And now imagine doing that in front of EVERYTHING you say in SL."

Is emoting an emotion?

[0:52] Jaan Dubrovna emotes "All this emoting takes time"

Doing all this emoting-speak with Jan was such wonderful practice and really kind of fun but still it will be a huge challenge for me not to 'feel' the same thing every time I speak. The whole time with Jan I felt so close to Mistress - like she was watching and knowing why this was a good thing for me to be doing. Sometimes things are beyond me but having Mistress know what to do is my safety in SL. She is reliable and I am gacktable.

I must have lost my Internet connection just as Jan and I were preparing to log off. According to SL, she has been typing for the last 10 minutes. Sorry Jan. We are at the mercy of the machines.

Feeling words

mad
angry
embarrassed
shy
humiliated
happy
silly
joy
love
hate
fear
nervous
funny
laugh
smile
cry
careful
proud
pride
hurt
envy
mischief
pain
apathetic
powerless
loyal

That was random.

If I stop and gather my feelings about Mistress, these words apply:
love
hope
wonder
frustration
joy
pride
urgency
hopeless
despair
loss
grateful
awe
inspiration
fear
gackty
trust
restraint
distance
luck
excited
curious
sorrow
determination

Jan:
grateful
lucky
love
hopeful
happy
nurture
pride
joy
encouraged

Quite a difference in these two lists but it obviously reflects the nature of the relationship I have with each of these people.

Jan is kind of an oasis and Mistress is the ultimate in contrasts, challenges, pain and joy. I play and have fun and share with Jan and I learn and grow and change with Mistress. Both are priceless.

I was expecting her to launch into me about our time earlier today. I had sent her my blog that was too personal to post and we got a bit sidetracked for a while. We talked about religion for a long time, she showed me a youtube of a song and such and the whole time I was aching to know what was about to happen.

Was I still hers? Does she still want me?

Was it proper to ask her that there and then or was it proper to let her guide our conversation as she chose? Does she want my feelings as I have them? In blurts?

Do I just blurt out that I am desperately worried that I have gackt things up completely? Do I wait for the conversation to come around to that?
------------------
This will work. How can it possibly NOT work?

[2:23] Jacquelin Mazi: what is the ONE thing you have been doing all week poorly?
[2:23] Emilee Gackt: Sharing my feelings Mistress.
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi nods
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: and as always.....
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: the punishment will fit the crime
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: EVERYTHING you say on SL will be proceeded with an emote expressing your feelings
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: is this clear?

I was on for about 20 minutes after this was announced and my heart pounded each time I had to type. That woman is brilliant. I have never been so forced to search myself like this. I am anxious for this to go on and truly excited by it. What will I see myself feeling? What will I learn about myself?

Everything I say must include how I feel.

Mistress:
When did so and so last login?
Who is Blahblah McBlah?
You will talk to Whats Hername tomorrow.

These things are all so mundane. What do I FEEL about these? Mostly nervousness at having to identify what I felt at that second. I need to have that pass and get to my real feelings.

I feel pride right now, which is odd. I made Mistress more mad than I ever have today but for some reason it popped into my head that I have endured more than nearly and sub or slave in SL, which is a pittance by comparison to some of course. But for me, I am glad that given all that Mistress uses to try to get me to where she wants me to be, I still love her and persevere to do my best for her. Nearly any other in SL would have fled long ago.

More than pride I feel relieved. Just unbelievably relieved and overwhelmingly tired. Emotion is so draining.

Where do I possibly get these words?

[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: RUONDEL - a circular decoration, especially a coloured circle on a military aircraft that shows its nationality
[9:29] You: roundel
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 13 seconds.
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'roundel'.

The subconscious part of my brain must be much stronger than I realize. I don't recall ever seeing or using the word below but I knew once I read the description. It might have helped that it wasn't very scrambled but still, what an obscure word for anyone to know. That sounded like I am showing off; I don't mean to. It's just odd that I knew that word. It's not like I use it all the time, you know?

'Oh yummy - Roundels! I love those things, especially with honey.'
'You poor thing. A roundel would fix you right up.'
'I SO hate it when airplanes of uncertain nationality go flying around without clearly visible roundels. Foreign pilots can be SO thoughtless.'

By the way, I AM Scrambling and dealing with my punishment discreetly. Let's play spot the gackty:

I wouldn't just drop into a bar dressed as I am. Jan and I talked about this last night. It is odd how personal an avatar can be sometimes. I am just as embarrassed as my cartoon self is at having to run around like this so I flew high above Hell Bop and checked the mini map. Once I was sure there was no one there I went in and hid so I didn't offend anyone but also so I wouldn't feel so silly.

I am hiding in the corner above the stage behind the ghoul. I checked it from all over the bar and the only place you can spot me is from the balcony which is usually empty anyway. If anyone did show up I'd have TP'd home in an instant.
------------------
I was in the middle of writing all this when Mistress logged in. I didn't see her and kept her waiting for a few minutes. Not intentionally of course but it could have been easily avoided if I only had a brain.

Mistress expects more of me than I can give. I just don't now how and sometimes I can't - I simply can not - do what she wants me to do. Some of it is a learning process (I know - I've been learning this stuff for months) and some of it is just how I have been trained and created to react to stress.

I feel impossibly challenged right now. Normally I crave a challenge but I have more than met my match. It is probably a combination of that - being at the limits of what I can do and give - and me just being my lazy, spoiled self.

Mistress compares me to others that she knows who have given what I have been unable to give her and really it seems like a fair comparison but I am just not the same person as those people. I have strengths in areas they don't and they are stronger than I am in some areas. Probably more of that than the other.

I was stretched past my limit today and I just logged out. That was weak of me and really very rude. I'm sure this will change things for us. Mistress has said a few times that she isn't sure who I am and that there is someone else at the keyboard. She says it in the context of me not living up to her expectations and of course I can't argue that. I have no doubt that that will always be true. I guess it is a matter of degree. At some point not living up to an expectation goes from a challenge and a coachable goal to a failure. Right now I am much closer to the failure end of the spectrum than the challenge end.

It is painful when she says that. It forces me to admit how hard I am to know and how I won't let people in, even people that I trust and care very much about.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know why it's hard for me and then I come up with something to blame it on. My parents, my past, my present, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am so close to getting it and then a 'today' happens and I feel like I have never been farther. I don't know what's going to happen with us and it scares me.

Am I still being punished?

I talked to the required three people about my behavior but in 2 of the 3 cases I was more talking AT them than TO them.

They were both from Europe and as I remember it both of them said that they didn't quite understand what it was that I wanted from them. On one hand I have fulfilled my requirement and on the other it wasn't much of a conversation.

Mistress did say that for now I would remain like this but that things might change Sunday or Monday. I hope they do.

I put 'Mistress' in this sentence one too many times:

[1:17] Emilee Gackt nods. "Yes Mistress. I'm a bit disappointed but it will help me Mistress."

My sister (who is in the Army) would have said that I made a Mistress sandwich out of her.

Mistress fell asleep last night while we were together. I feel so grateful to her when that happens. It has happened once or twice before and it reminds me of how terribly late it is for her and the sacrifice she makes to come and see me. It is like what Jan does but with Mistress it is just following her work so she hasn't had any sleep yet or been able to relax at all.

I'm not sure Mistress would say that she makes a sacrifice for me. That hardly sounds very Mistressy does it? But she logs on at 3 or 4 am her time and I am grateful for it.

Lately I have been lucky enough to see Jan for a while and then Mistress. I am very lucky indeed.

Am

I either need to do it here or send a 38MB email

Mistress mentioned that she didn't like the cuffs that bekkers has on and asked me to research some new ones. She asked me for this too long ago for me to even remember and I am once again grateful for Mistress' patience.

How many pictures can I put in blogger?

These are the nicest looking ones I found but it doesn't look like they are RLV compatible. Trilobitewear, $300L.

Interesting. It has cuffs, so technically it counts I guess, right? RF, $425.

This isn't cuffs but it is more just an interesting idea. From RF, $400L.

This one is sort of cuffs, but again more of an interesting idea than a viable possibility. Also RF, also $400L.

These are cuffs! It didn't look like they were RLV compatible though but they are certainly pretty. Also RF, $200L.

These are cuffs also (duh!), I didn't see an option for leg cuffs but this set includes two cuffs instead of just one like the RR ones below.

These aren't really cuffs but more like a rack I guess. From Master & Slave.

These aren't cuffs either but they will accomplish pretty much the same thing. Real Restraint Straps. They have one set for the arms and one for the legs, $180L each.

This one is a little tricky to figure out. They are handcuffs but it looks like there is a plugin to create two sets of them, one for the wrists and one for the elbows. The cuffs are $250L and the plugin is $150L.

No Mistress, no Jan tonight but at least their absence gave me the chance to finish this. And when I say 'finish' I mean round 1 is done. I am sure Mistress will have some input on the whole thing.