I got to see a friend (SL friend) this morning and it struck (as it always does when I talk to her) that she has a lot to offer in a lot of ways. The more we talked, the more I saw how much I need to learn and grow with Mistress and how much she (the friend) can teach me.

I am truly grateful for her. Sometimes you see someone do something in their life and you just wonder what to do about it, you know? Support her for sure, regardless. Advice? I'm the last one to give advice to her. I guess the best I can do is wish her happiness and peace.

I got a decent chunk of time with Mistress last. Finally.


I also got a decent chunk of cherry pie on Thanksgiving so in a way, Mistress is a lot like cherry pie. Sweet and tart with a flaky crust and both are yummy with ice cream.


Anyway... I'm back in the world of the clothed and the speaking and I must say that in a way I'm disappointed. Mistress had planned a rather lengthy curriculum for me and has had to change her plans.

She described some things about a mutual friend that were so true of me. Kind of a vague sense of needing approval, needing to belong to someone, needing to be protected. There is more of course but really the heart of it is just what I feel and just what Mistress gives me, regardless of whether she knows it.

If our friend can find what I have in Mistress then I wish her nothing but happiness. My mom's husband would correct me and tell me I should say 'naught but happiness.' Good thing it's none of his beeswax I guess.

It makes me sad that our friend will not find another like Mistress. She is unlike any other.

Watching the news the other night I noticed a reporter who was nearly an identical twin of my SL friend Rachelle. Look:

It is uncanny to me how much they look alike. I wish I had a decent picture of SL Rachelle to compare.

Rachelle is a better friend than this woman is a reporter.

I usually have it pretty lucky either way in SL. Most nights that I log in I am pretty certain to see either Jan or Mistress and tonight it happened that Mistress wasn't online and Jan was so we spent a few very quickly passing hours just catching up on things.

It was a very nice time indeed and I do miss Mistress.

I debated over whether I should blog, or if I am even allowed a this point. I finally decided that I would because it would be less worse to than to not blog.

I am still awed by Mistress sometimes. Her punishments are so tailor made it seems and she knows just how to make things hurt. We were together tonight for a bit and last time for a while longer but still it seems like I haven't seen her in an age. It is odd to miss someone who is right in front of you.

Ow

I ordered a pizza for dinner last night and walked over to get it with Lucy. The pizza place (a little neighborhood store called Domino's) is only about 1/4 mile from the house so Lucy and I usually walk to pick up our order instead of having it delivered.

On the way home I noticed a man with a dog coming towards us and so I veered off towards Walgreen's (another local shop) to avoid any potential leash tugging and pizza dropping. As I stepped off the sidewalk behind Walgreen's, my foot landed on a largish rock that I hadn't noticed because I had a leash in one hand and a pizza in the other. My foot rolled off the rock and when I collapsed in shock/pain, Lucy came and started licking my face. Somehow the pizza survived.

I called Dave, who had is phone on vibrate and didn't hear me call the first 9 (NINE) times. He finally noticed that his phone was lit up and came and got me, Lucy and the pizza. My ankle is turning all sorts of shades of blue and black. It really is charming to behold.

Dave gave me one of the pain pills he had left over from his eye surgery 2 years ago, which konked me out in a flash, but of course meant that I was in lala-land rather than in SL last night.

I waited for Mistress for about 30 minutes or so. I am hating the time difference between us. Between that and our opposite work schedules, our times online together are too rare. Same with Jan but that is more due to my sudden busy-ness at work than our time difference.

My latest blunder

I completely missed paying the rent. I am really very lucky that Mistress happened to check when she did because I had 0 (as in zero) days left on the lease. If she hadn't paid it, not only would everything in the house been returned, we might even have lost it if someone came along at the right time. I suppose you could say that this is the good news.

I'm hesitant to call this the bad news. That seems disrespectful somehow. The other news - good or bad - is that of course Mistress would never let something like this go unpunished. She did after all have to pay the rent on my house.

Part of the punishment seemed very simple. Mistress gave me that 'Not a word' command when she logged in. The last time she said that, it turned out that she was just having a bit of fun but most of the time when she says that she is either busy in IM or - like this time - she is upset with me.

The difficult thing about this was so badly wanting to talk to her and not being able to. I haven't seen her in days and I know she's been slightly under the weather. I was so looking forward to just talking to her. I deprived myself but more importantly, I deprived HER of that pleasure by forgetting something so important.

She has mentioned this before - that we so often need to spend the time we get to share (precious as it is) on punishments. I hate that we have to spend our time like this but I suppose I wouldn't want it to be otherwise. Mistress' steadfast and unchanging consistency is one of the things I admire most about her. It makes me feel safe somehow. It is something that can be counted on and relied on. There is shelter and regularity with her.

On a technical note, she mentioned that I get IMs when the rent is due but for the life of me I don't recall ever seeing one.

[1:21] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may see chat from Jacquelin Mazi
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may TP to Friends for only Jacquelin Mazi
[1:22] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
[1:25] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap

This all looks pretty heinous but the worst is by far that she said 'Not a word.'

I just worked on my chores tonight.

I am missing Mistress more and more and even though Jan was online I had to spend the night doing things for Mistress.

I spent an hour or two with Jan tonight. She always tells me how fun I am, how great she feels when we're together. It's nice. I feel kind of proud after she logs off. Tonight she said she was going to hypnotize me and never snap her fingers:

[22:00] Jaan Dubrovna: "I had a wonderful time with Jan. I must do this at the earliest opportunity"

Doesn't sound all that bad really.

So my plan right now is to take a nap and get up in a bit to see if Mistress is online. One night last week I slept right through my alarm so my plan sometimes differs from my execution.

My goodness things are difficult for me sometimes. I finally got SL working again (yes, again) and I had this feeling of superior euphoria that I could beat the machines at least once. Mistress gave me a few suggestions so I suppose it's a bit misplaced that I felt that success. Either way, I was just happy to have it working again and so I went to blog about my success (Mistress' success).

Blogger displayed this:

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Great. But at least blogger was going to walk me through it, right?

Not only were the pictures that blogger provided completely different than what was on my computer screen, but the instructions were useless since once I got in to Tools > Internet Options > etc., the settings were just where they needed to be. I finally just gave up and tried to login to blogger again. When I did, I found the 'Sign In' link had been replaced with a 'Sign Out' link, which meant that I had been signed in the whole time.

The most bothersome thing (well, one of the most bothersome anyway) is that I haven't made any changes at all to my computer, the programs or anything. I haven't added anything or deleted anything. My computer and the way I use it have been utterly unchanged since before all these latest problems started popping up and yet, all these problems keep popping up.

Not only are the machines winning, they are mocking me. I am wary of a robot conspiracy. They must want the silver in my fillings.

I logged in tonight to see Mistress and I had a few assignments due to her. One of them contained the T word so I got a shock even without Mistres's help. Oy.

She is probably more tired than I am and I am anxious to:

• see her
• talk to her
• be with her again
• use plenty of bullet points

Sometimes when I login, Mistress greets with this or something like it:

[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: shhhhhhh
[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: not a word

I'm not sure why or what it is about that greeting that is so compelling to me. From her, I much prefer that to anything else.

Tonight it was all Mistress, all night. No punishments (well maybe one small one but only because she was in a good mood), no assignments, nothing but a few hours spent hanging out, which is a decidedly un-Mistresslike thing to do. A Mistress doesn't 'hang out.' A Mistress keenly observes her surroundings.

We went to the Ranch and I was given a lovely compliment but really it was for Mistress:

[23:59] Kian Hancroft: Your pet is the most impressive put together avatar in here [imho] I thought to pass the complimental thought on . . .
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi smiles
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi: thank you Kian.... I have worked very hard on her to make her one of the best hopefully

We had a very happy night tonight and I am glad to have seen her. Tomorrow will be a looooong day though. I am only going to get a few hours sleep but it is worth it.

I seem to have fixed SL. It was my fault of course; I was pasting a file into the wrong place.

Mistress had another girl she was considering as a slave. She was from Denmark (or somewhere near there - Argentina perhaps? Maybe it was Malaysia?) and her English was good but when she would become emotional (which was often), her English would get sloppy and she was quite difficult to understand. Add to that the fact that her hours online were very minimal and nearly the opposite of when Mistress is online and it just seemed like she was completely destined NOT to be Mistress' slave.

I spent some time with her (Dina was her name), helping her with expectations and such and when she 'disappeared' I really sort wrote her off. Mistress sent me a note of a conversation they had very recently. I have never been more deeply moved by Mistress than I was when I read how she handled this poor girl. Mistress was patient and loyal to this girl and when it became clear that there was no hope of a future together, Mistress was as kind and tender as I have ever seen anyone be.

I was with Jan tonight and I had to look to see who I was talking to. Jan has been super supportive about me becoming a dancer and we were talking about it tonight...

[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sweetie, you really will be fine. Trust me.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Really
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: And it is so not how I want to spend the little time I have left at the end of the day in SL.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt smiles.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Thank you Jan
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Oh, I know.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: You're right of course.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: How does the phrase go?
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sometimes it sucks.......
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Oh my goodness Jan.
[22:55] Emilee Gackt: Mistress would be so proud.

A typical day for me:

• Up at about 6:15 to get ready for work.
• Stop at Starbucks at about 7:10 or 7:15. It's almost time to switch from iced to hot drinks.
• At work from 7:30 - 7:45 until about 6:00.
• Stop at Safeway for something to cook for dinner.
• Home and back out with Lucy for a walk.
• Cooking until 6:45 or so, depending on what the meal is.
• Eat, relax a bit, maybe watch a video or a Suns game.
• In bed at 9:30.
• Up at 12:30 to either fight with SL and try to keep it from crashing or login and see Mistress and Jan.
• Bed at 2 or 3, depending on whether Mistress logged in.

It's not so much her perception as it is my performance. She has an expectation of me that I have only partially lived up to. To say that it is her perception is the problem is wrong. She perceives what I give her. It is what I do that creates her perceptions. If I gave her what she expected of me, her perception would be more positive.

I tried and tried and TRIED to login tonight but my computer and SL refuse to get along. Honestly I feel like a forced break - no matter how small - might be a good thing, given how Mistress has been perceiving my efforts lately.

I am not going to blame it on switching jobs and being busy. Mistress has a set of expectations for me and lately I haven't been measuring up and I am not sure why. When we were together last and she was telling me the ways I might improve my mind was numb and all I could focus on was that I love her. She has been so influential and given me such peace and all I want is to curl up in that.

It isn't obey when I can or if I can or if it fits into my schedule. It's just plain obey.

Ever since I've started working - at a 'real' job - I have enjoyed privilege and freedom beyond what my peers have gotten. It has been due to a combination of things but mostly it is my abilities, my personality and honestly I feel like it has had something to do with my appearance. At work I've been able to do what I want, how I want and when I want and in SL the same has been true for the most part.

Prior to being with Mistress I was in Gor and had the same privileges there as I do at work. I just charmed my way into almost a celebrity status and didn't have to really follow any rules or do what most of the others there had to do. It was sort of this unwritten rule that I was somehow exempt.

It was nice at first and then became a complete bore. I found myself wishing that I would be treated like the others were. I finally have that with Mistress and I am trying to do to her what I do at work and what I did in Gor. She is smart enough to have spotted it and told me that it won't work with her and I am just barely smart enough to recognize it and agree.

I have so many routines in the way I deal with things and how I prioritize what I need to do. Some of it makes sense and some of it is probably unique to me. I have a tendency to put things off when I could probably get them done... which I guess isn't all that unique. It's just lazy. Mistress called it cheating, which confused me for a while. I got too hung up in the definition and missed the point that I hadn't done what she asked of me by the deadline she gave me. Lazy, cheating, call it what you will, I didn't get it done.

I am in no position to argue with her, or look for loopholes or be lazy. I must be obedient and do as she says, as a minimum.

[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have made more effort to contact Xandra for the dance club
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have made an effort to contact dina
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD have started making a list of what I need so you can cross them off in the future
[13:48] Jacquelin Mazi: you COULD remember to focus more on emotions and listening to my words

I have slowly slipped from impressing Mistress to being about average or worse. It might be due to work and such but the fact is that I have changed with Mistress and she deserves the old me rather than the more recent lazy, cheating, call it what you will me.

Mistress shared some of her RL with me tonight. Big deal right? I've shared things with Jan and she with me and I've shared things with so many I have met here. It's just somehow different with Mistress. She has this gracious privacy about her and once you know her you know that her RL is not something you just ask about. If she wants or needs me to know something about her RL, she will make sure that at the right time and place, I know it. Having her volunteer RL things is a privilege.


We started out the evening a bit... whatever. I was looking for some cute word. I forgot to blog 2 nights ago when I saw Mistress for the first time in a few days. We spent a few hours together and we ended quite late for me. When she logged off I went straight to bed. There have been times in the past when I have done the same thing... right to bed after logging off and there has always been a little switch that flipped at the second my head hit the pillow that reminded me of the blog.


This time I just zonked out and completely forgot about it. I hate that feeling, not so much because I might get zapped or be left in the cage for endless hours or whatever. Mistress is disappointed when I disappoint her and the punishment is as much having earned a punishment as it is being punished.


If I typed that last sentence in SL chat, she would have told me that it is unclear and to type it again so let me give it another try...

Disappointing Mistress is just as painful to me as any punishment she could dish out.

That might be a bit of an exaggeration but the idea is clear. I hate to disappoint her and I hate that it causes her to be upset when I mess up.

Once we got things settled about my mistake, we talked about how we never talk about politics and then did some chatting in Japanese, sort of.

All Jan, All night. What a fun time we had, me in my box and her in my IM. We just chatted it up like crazy for like three hours.

Last night Mistress and I set a time to meet in SL and I must have gackt it. I kept expecting her to log in, then hoping that she would and then I began realizing that if she did, it would be too late for me to spend any time with her.
What a bugger this is.

I got the boots so I guess that makes me a dancer, right? So if I get a scalpel, am I all of a sudden a surgeon?

I went to do some Scramble at Hell Bop and the entire place was sealed off with one of those 'No Entry' barricades so I went to the coffee place and they have changed the trivia to ultra obscure movie questions.

"What was the name of Captain Video's spaceship?" Um... was it the "I have no clue?"

It's odd how tiring it is to adjust to a new schedule. Of course it might have something to do with the fact that I am doing real work again and not just coordinating things from vendors and such. Mistress and I are trying to find at least a few common times when we can be online together and so far it's been a challenge because of both of our work schedules.

I am in the middle of a five week training class and the vendor-supplied training manuals are 3000 pages long. The FGs (that's how trainers say 'Facilitator's Guides) are twice as long. It's ridiculous! 6000 pages! No wonder I am so beat all the time.

Anyway, back to SL... Mistress and I decided on some boots and I am still waiting to hear from the club where I will be working. It's not a huge secret that I am dreading this but I will give it my best attempt and with Jan's help I might actually not be awful at it. Thank you again Jan!

Boot choices

There looked like they were well made but they might be a bit extreme. There is also a a version of these with 'regular' heels.

These were the nicest I found and there were a few colors available. There was also a similar style in knee high.

I logged in and just worked on a few things for Mistress. I would have loved to see her but it was quite useful having some time just to get caught up my assignments.