See? I AM a good person!

I just knew it and now the Internet has proven it:


To see what a vile, foul-mouthed blogger you are go to this link and put in your blog's address:

http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/blog_cuss


Other 100's I have gotten or that pertain to me:

• I am sometimes 100% a smartybutt. Just ask Satan.
• If I've told you once I've told you 100 times, do NOT climb demon posessed trees!
• I had to pay $100 for the privilege of sitting in the airport for three hours with my nephew
• I am not on Time Magazine's list of the world's 100 most influential people. Again.
• I got a 100% on the math portion of the Arizona Teacher Certification test.
• I think that song '100 Years' is really pretty.

All this PLUS I got some more time with Jaan. Life is good.

Security orbs, etc.

These things are pretty neat. They make a 3D map of the whole sim and use little floating dots to represent any avatars in the sim. The dots change color depending on how far the avatar is from the orb, sensor, etc.

The ones I looked at weren't too expensive; one was only $500L. I did see one that seemed a bit ominous. It had options for things to do to the person unfortunate enough to fly into your sim; you can blind them, launch them and so on. Seems a bit more than we're looking for.

Another one guaranteed that your neighbors wouldn't be attacked by your security system. It seems like anything that makes a guarantee like that should be handled carefully. I sent a few IMs to builders of these. Your gackty news team will bring you all the important developments as they develop!

Jaan's first pair of pants for her only (so far) client is a smashing success!

MLE Strikes a pose:

I couldn't resist.

[1:24] Emilee Gackt: You'd think that the great Satan himself would be able to afford a decent AO.

[1:24] Emilee Gackt: Don't tell me... I just earned eternal damnation didn't I?

[1:24] Emilee Gackt: I HATE when that happens.

[1:25] Fisher Burnstein: where are you.....

[1:25] Fisher Burnstein: i dont see you...

[1:25] Emilee Gackt: By the main entrance.

[1:26] Emilee Gackt: But the great Satan should be able to see me wherever I am shouldn't he?

[1:26] Emilee Gackt: Santa can.

[1:26] Fisher Burnstein: right...now i see it who is talking to me....

[1:26] Emilee Gackt: Satan can't?

[1:27] Emilee Gackt: I've left you speechless. Cat got your bifurcated tongue?

Now blogger is wonked

That last post was not posted at 3:10 pm. I just posted it. Just now.

The ongoing saga of the mystery of the prims and just how many there are...

Ok so now it is either:

[00:56] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Emilee Gackt you have : 499 prims left to use

...or...

[00:56] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Emilee Gackt you have : 153 prims left to use

Maybe I should just take an average. I did get some good news though - Mistress showed me how to see how many prims are in an object. Go to Edit > General tab and look about 6 lines down and it lists the prims. Now all I have to do is go through those simple steps for everything in the house and add it all up!

Ok, time for my daily crash report. Three times today if I remember correctly and then about 7 just now. Really bad ones too, where I had to reboot. Twice.



Just *poof* and SL was just gone.

.

Then Blogger crashed. Maybe it's my 'puter.
.

I may have finished the photo project. But then again I might not have... It is of course pending Mistress' approval.

.

I saw a group today called The Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. The show is hilarious (to me at least; it is nearly the only thing on TV that I ever watch) and now there is a Dunder Mifflin group in SL. The gackty connection? The company I work for does exactly what Dunder Mifflin does. We sell paper and office supplies and get all worked up when we ship an order of paper by the truckload. Woot.

.

Mistress asked me to do some research on radar and/or security systems for the house. I am starting from scratch on this one so if you do a fly-by, you might see an electrified barbed-wire fence around the place. Unless I can find something more subtle.

.

I got some more time with Jaan tonight. She goes on and on in her blog about this MLE person. MLE sounds nice and all but the real treasure is Jaan. She told me that she is learing to make clothes in SL (she has already done more in her few weeks here than I have in my 18 or so MONTHS here). She is really starting to make me look bad. If she's not careful she might have an 'accident.' 'Gosh Jaan, I am so sorry that you fell down those stairs next week.'

.

On the bright side, she announced that she is now my personal designer. Could anyone ask for a better friend? *whispers* No. That's as good as they get.

.

Mistress keeps pushing me to speak from my heart. It sounds so simple and sometimes it actually is but mostly it is a challenge for me. In my odd, tangled past I learned to close things and internalize things and now I need to open them and let things out. I am trying.

.

Oh and by the way the world will end in 2012.

Another night with Jaan, sort of.

She was line dancing with Mr. Wonderful (along with a few others appparently - there just isn't enough of him to go around) and I was at the Ranch for a bit. I had a nice (but rushed )conversation with someone; I felt so abrupt asking her what were somewhat personal questions (personal in an SL way) when I knew I had to leave in a few minutes. She was very understanding though. More on this once I hear back from her.

This happens a lot now...

I really really really really really REALLY hate it when they make 'improvements' to SL.

Sure, I'll take my nephew to the airport!

And I'll even take Lucy (Lucy is my dog - a Great Dane) along for the ride.



My nephew was flying as an unaccompanied minor and my plan was to take him to security and then tell him how to get to the gate, etc. Well it turns out that the responsible adult (me) needs to stay with the UM (unaccompanied minor) until the plane is in the air. Ack! But my dog is in the car (with the engine running and the A/C on of course). Ack!

I told the security people my problem and they said to go get lucy and bring her in. She usually draws attention but my goodness! We were the hit of Terminal 4! Lucy had a great time (she is such an attention hog) even though my 45 minute trip to the airport turned into almost 4 hours.

SL still wonked, chairs still magical

Now I have either 165 or 96 prims left, so the chairs and table are either 0 or 2 prims. That makes me either glad or glad and either concerned or concerned. Am I going to all of a sudden run out of prims? Is there a way to right click an object in SL and see how many prims it is? Is there a way for SL not to be so thoroughly wonked?

I have a pretty well organized inventory but I have so many items - something like 4000+. I was doing some organizing and deleting and it's odd how things in inventory can be almost like the pages of a scrapbook. I was going through some old LMs - TPing to the places to see if they were even still there. Each time a place would rez, my mind would skip back to the people I shared time with there. Every now and then there would be one that would be new to me and I would wonder if I'd even even been there before.

I saw this profile today:

Things to know about Kevin Buckler:
If Kevin is late, time better slow the fuck down
Kevin doesnt play the lottery. It doesnt have nearly enough balls
There is no 'ctrl' button on Kevin's computer. Kevin Buckler is always in control.
If at first you dont succeed, you are obviously not Kevin
Kevin puts the laughter in manslaughter
Jesus can walk on water, but Kevin can walk on Jesus
It takes Kevin 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
Kevin can eat a rubix cube and poop it out solved

I have a guess and an addition to this profile.

My guess: Kevin Buckler 'borrowed' the text for his profile from the Internet
(http://www.dahl-lumholt.dk/Chuck-Norris.html), which is not necessarily a bad thing.

My addition: Kevin Buckler doesn't know what a pronoun is.

SL is so wonked.

As of yesterday I had 98 prims left and today I added two big cushy chairs and a table to the house. I checked the prims again and I have either 98 or 165 left:

[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Prims allowed for Emilee Gackt : 500
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Prims on land atm: Emilee Gackt 335
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Emilee Gackt you have : 165 prims left to use
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Prims allowed : 500
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Prims allowed for Emilee Gackt : 500
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Prims on land atm: Emilee Gackt 402
[11:31] PRIM COUNTER NEW- Multi Tenants 8: Emilee Gackt you have : 98 prims left to use

Either way these chairs are charmed. They are zero prims and the vendor said they were $400L each but I was only charged $10L each. Woohoo - I beat the system! Please see my classified ad: Chairs for sale, $200L each, while supplies last or until the vendor is fixed.

I saw an interesting profile today at a furniture place. It was prefaced by those scrolly looking designs that people do sometimes and then this text:

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

.

The significance of it was heightened by more scrollies beneath the words. That is one skill that the gackty one might never master.

.

This reminded me of how things in life are a choice. If you get mad, disappointed, happy, etc, you have a choice about how to respond to it. My choice is usually to be very low-key in almost every situation. If I get mad or frustrated I just deal with it and look forward to moving on. I very seldom speak my mind about it.

.

Also there is a tree floating in the air above my house. I'm pretty sure it is demon possessed. Do NOT climb it. You will be eaten by a demon.

I finally got some time to myself...

... with Jaan.

We spent an hour or so just chatting about clothes and nothing much else. What a nice way to spend some time in SL!

Where are your manners?

[10:26] RR Ballgag 1.13.1 whispers: Sorry Clemence, you can't manipulate Emilee's RR Ballgag 1.13.1

I have always been shocked at how some people leave their manners in RL when they come into SL. In RL there is the usual drollery to deal with, mostly just people talking to my boobs. In SL it goes way beyond that. People say the most absurdly rude things sometimes and even click other avatars. In RL, that behavior would get a person arrested.

I guess there is this safety that anonymity creates for people in SL. For the most part it's a good thing and is what lets SL be the parallel universe that it is for people but the percent of abusers seems so high. Oh well. The bad parts of SL make the good parts even better.

Speaking of making things even better - this has nothing whatsoever to do with SL - I made some brownies last night and I used this pan to bake them in:

http://www.chefsresource.com/bakers-edge-brownie-pan.html

Be warned though - this pan will ruin all other brownies for you.

I downloaded the new version of SL and it seems as good as it is bad. The search function is less effective than the old one but I do like how it saves IMs from your last login and how you can click names in chat to see their profile. I don't like how I have crashed 3 times already.

I spent another mostly frustrating hour or so in SL. Maybe frustrating isn't the right word. I see so many people who can be ANYTHING they want to be in SL and it is sad that they settle for so little.

I find myself hesitiant sometimes when I do see someone who stands out from the crowd. I worry about the relationships I already have and wonder how many friends I have the time to properly care for.

Ack! I'm down to 98 prims! When I rented this place I was so sure that 500 prims would be so much more than enough. Now I have 98 left and haven't even finished the bedroom! As I said before, ack!

It's like an immense haystack

Sometimes the people you encounter in SL make you realize how lucky you are to have found some good ones - ANY good ones. Seeing other people in SL and the things they create for themselves make the people I care about even better by comparison.

I had a brief visit to SL tonight, much too late for my east coast peeps I'm afraid. Finding nothing but mediocrity, I logged off and went to bed. I'll sleep nice and loose.

Do these have to have a title?

Drew? Again? SERIOUSLY?!?!

That is one skinny, persistent girl. If I was the type to say things like 'OMG' I would be saying it now.

A couple of things that should have been blogged this week that weren't:

Chili Theas was so kind and thoughtful this week; she IM'd to say that she had a brief chat with someone who might make a good addition for Mistress. I had a conversation with her (Fiona Laminsk is her name) that was also very brief. That girl just wants to be left alone.

I had another conversation with someone and I know I kept a note of it but for the life of me I can't find it. She saw that I was in the Banishment groups and had the idea that Mistress Might like another, less severe alterenative to that; she sent me some notecards all about a court and prison system set up to carry out punishments. I promised her that I would send it along to Mistress but completely gackt it until just now. Oops.

Ah! I found it! Bel Junkers was her name!

That deja vu was a bust

And then I got a work call and forgot I was logged in for about an hour. Oops.

I found a great new shop (sort of new... I knew it was there but I just now looked in one of the vendors). This may end up costing me a lot of Lindens, $75L at a time.

Kafka's what?

I gotta get into some new groups:

[15:04] Jilly Kidd: Short story group discussing Kafka's Metamorphosis starting now. See you there! http://slurl.com/secondlife/Cookie/32/124/21

I can almost hear the paint drying.

"Using symbolism like that to represent the issues is SO Kafka-esque, isn't it?"

As I am typing this I am having this odd deja vu. Those are so weird. According to this one, Mistress is about to log in.

Enough is enough

I was at the Ranch just briefly today and I saw an avatar with these absurdly large breasts shooting out fountains of milk. I have nothing against breast feeding in public but sheesh! I guess that's one way to keep the grass green.

I did some experimenting with taking pictures of myself. How utterly vain of me...

I like the second shot. It makes me look so pensive and thoughtful. If you could have read my mind at that moment you'd have overheard my inner turmoil and despair: I am completely out of Doritos and nothing short of a trip to the store is likely to change things any time soon.

Today's lessons

This entry might not make much sense to anyone other than Mistress and me. Of those two, Mistress might be the only who truly understands how the gackty brain seems to work.

Mistress is not fond of repeating herself.

This blog is very important to her. She uses it in many ways but mostly it is her giant microscope into the world of the gackty one.

This is so true of me:

"... you WANT to make me happy and please me.... but when I am not standing over you.... these simple wants begin to vanish a bit and become more vague.... you let so many things overwhelm you that you forget why you are here"

I've been in SL for so long and done so many things that I have this deeply rooted feeling that I can come here and do what I want. Now that I am in this relationship where things are different than that, it is difficult to trade one mindset for another.

Everytime I feel like I am a step closer to 'getting it' with Mistress I end up taking a few giant steps backwards. Right now I am in 'getting it' mode. Just react. Spill my heart to her about what she says, what I do, what she does, what she does with me, what she does to me. I get it and in three days? I will lose this feeling and stop being instinctual and be my old self with her again - calculating and scheming and all that.

Goodness what a negative way to put it. Maybe I'll try again...

I get it and in three days if I feel myself slipping maybe I should come back here and read this as a reminder of what was in my heart during my moment of gettingness.

Why is 'getting it' a moment in time for me? Why is it so fleeting? Why can't I keep getting it?

It was a difficult road to get to gettingness. Loads of frustration and futility. I just kept wondering why I should bother trying. Nothing was going to change and things would still be as difficult. Mistress is gifted in many ways. She can take me from tears (like real life actual wet salty tears) to joyous happy giddy laughter in just a few moments. She can take what I think I want and make me wish I'd never mentioned it.

The tricky thing is remembering how kind she will be once she is done being what she must be - what I cause her to have to be. It is like she is both the raging storm and the safe harbour.

Sometimes there is so much to blog about and sometimes there is so little. Sometimes there is a lot but there is so little that I can form into words. This is one of those times.


Todays' definitions:
Sculptor: sculp·tor
1. a person who practices the art of sculpture

Sculpture: sculp·ture
1. the art of carving, modeling, welding, or otherwise producing figurative or abstract works of art in three dimensions.
2. such works of art collectively.
3. an individual piece of such work.

SNL

There was a skit from that show that I saw (on DVD as I remember it). It was about Satan being sued by someone and it was pretty funny. One of the issues in the case was that Satan would trade someone eternal life for their soul but then give them some deadly disease.

"Sure you can have that! But I'm going to make you wish you'd never asked."

I forgot to blog yesterday

I'm a disgrace to the entire blogging community.

Actually I had every intention of posting something but I fell asleep while watching the most boring, repetitive, ridiculous show ever created, The Deadliest Catch. It's about catching crabs and yes, I am well aware of how that sounds.

When I woke up this morning I had one of those moments where you wake up so late that no matter how much you hurry there is just no way you'll ever make it on time.

As it turns out not much happened in SL yesterday. I did a little clothes shopping and now that my color vision has been restored (or maybe corrected is a better word) I started to work on some more things for the house - furniture and rugs mostly.

I expected to blog last night but I of course also expected to log in to SL. I'm sorry to have missed you.

Today's blog:

That's my most uncreative title ever!

What a sweet thing Jaan did for me. She put a couple of MP3s on a website just for me. It sounds kind of trivial but there is much more to it than I can go into here. Jaan is a dear friend and I am blessed that she picked me to rescue her from her really bad case of newbiness. She seems to have made a full recovery.

I have been having an ongoing, intermittent problem with colors in SL for about the last month. Actually only one color - red. I kept seeing red patches on random objects in SL. I was just flabbergasted. I mentioned it to Mistress and it was fixed with one mouse click. It's funny how everyone can be a newbie when compared to someone else.

What a bugger mouse look is! Other than frustrating a gackt here and there I wonder what SL was thinking when they invented that?

I had a lovely chat with this man tonight:

That's a box of freebie sex toys he's attached to himself; I don't want to put his name here on this public blog but his initials are Peter Kay. He walked around like that for a few minutes and when he sat next to me, I just couldn't resist:

[1:52] Emilee Gackt: Got those sex toys all packed away did ya Pete?
[1:52] Peter Kay: lol emilee
[1:53] Peter Kay: i clik on the wrong butten
[1:53] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[1:53] Emilee Gackt: Yea... I saw that.

Time and idle chatter passes...

[2:05] Peter Kay: pitty that your a lesbien

This came as a shock to me but his diagnosis seems pretty thorough; it was based on twelve minutes of me avoiding his questions. Add that to his spelling skills - 40% correct in a five word sentence! - and you get a person utterly qualified to make a judgement like that.

And you just have to wonder... is it a 'pitty' for me or for him? Or really just the both of us? Oh what might have been... if only I was batting for the home team.

I had a glimmer of something tonight. Call it an epiphany. I realized that maybe I'm not lucky to have such good friends in SL. Maybe it's because I AM a good friend. Like good, quality people kind of find each other somehow and gravitate towards each other. Either way, lucky or not, I am very fortunate in a lot of ways.

Stranded on the island of low standards

Mistress is so thoughtful. I ask her for something and she provides, one way or another. That might mean not at all or it might mean that I am left to solve my own problem however might seem best to me. This paricular time it meant that I was left in a slightly chilly state at the Ranch.


It wasn't all that productive really but Rachelle, sweetheart that she is, came for a visit and gave me some good advice. Her advice always seems to be so 'dead on balls accurate*.'


I had a bit of the same problem at the Ranch again, despite Rachelle's advice. The least conspicuously drenched in bad taste of the entire lot, in fact one of the few literate people there had a nice conversation with me and it didn't appear that she was just learing English. She spoke it quite well in fact. She was well dressed enough (for the Ranch at least) and had no visible bling. Then I asked her time zone... I was expecting either GMT or GMT + 1 but really held out hope for maybe Central or even PST (I don't know the initials for Central).

So I asked her (in that 'don't mean to be nosey' way of asking) what her time zone is. Australia! Gimme a break. It's like next week there already. Sheesh. I felt as bad for her as I was frustrated. It must be impossible to find anyone even near her time zone.

*Name the movie that line is from andyou win 1 Linden.

Not much going on today...

I wasn't around when anyone else was and vice versa. I bought some new pants and in the middle of making an adjustment to them I was yanked out of SL back into RL.

The good news is that hopefully these pants rescued that top I bought from the Island of Misfit Clothes.

Fun, relaxing night tonight

What an un-clever title that is. Oh well.

Jaan and I talked for hours tonight which, for her was an accomplishment since she is in a later time zone. We just went on and on about everything, including her latest publication, Sex For Guys: How to Not Be a Completely Selfish Bore and Maybe Even Get Your Mind Blown.

It was funny that for some reason we never had the brilliant idea of TPing one or the other. We just chatted endlessly while we were wherever we both were. She was at her home in the sky (that's my best guess anyway) and I was shopping. You can find the best places by reading people's picks.

The top I bought is yet another for the 'never wear again' folder. It looked so good on the model but I guess that's the point, right?

I remembered what it was I forgot from yesterday

SL is a bugger. How could I forget that? There are so many constant reminders! I spent some time and effort (more effort than time really) on a project yesterday and SL undid everything I did. I had to make a bunch of pictures copiable so I went through each one clicking Properties > Allow Anyone to Copy, Next Owner Can: Modify and Copy.

I'm not 100% sure which of those really needs to be clicked in order to drag and drop a texture into a notecard but the point is that I clicked each one four times and there were about 12 pictures. That's 48 mouse clicks that SL owes me. Will I ever see those mouse clicks again? Pfft! Will I get to relive those precious minutes of my life ever again? Seems doubtful. Thanks to the Lindens for squandering away my life, minute by minute.

I had a nice talk with Rachelle this morning. I have this (probably very conceited) idea that I look at Rachelle the same way that Jaan looks at me - as a kind, friendly, thoughtful resource. I'm lucky to have her which of course means Jaan is lucky to have me. Heck, anyone would be lucky to have me but I consider myself even luckier to have the people lucky enough to have me in their lives than they are to have me in theirs.

What a perfectly constructed sentence that was!

I bought a kitchen set a couple of weeks ago. I got the good kind with sex poses in the sink and my goodness has that been convenient. But the really great thing is that the microwave oven door swings open to reveal a bowl of soup all steamy and hot. It would be delicious too if only I liked... whatever kind of soup it is. It's either pingpong ball soup, dirty golf ball soup, jawbreaker soup or the most dreaded soup of all, eyeball soup.

I suppose the least worst would be jawbreaker soup but the jawbreakers would dissolve in the broth and make it all sugary and gross. Oh well. Bon apetit to moi!

Almost, again

It seems like I keep meeting people who are so ALMOST perfect. Common interests, same times online but there is one fatal flaw like they don't speak English. Sheesh.

I worked on my list of 'Wants' some more today. What an odd thing it is to list things that you want for someone who you know will do her best to give you those things. I am wondering how ambitious I should be with these 5 wants.

I am also wishing that I didn't have to make this list. Really, I have so few needs and to list wants seems sort of like an excess for me. But also and most of all, I wish Mistress didn't worry that I am unfulfilled.

I FINALLY got some decent time to spend with Jaan. I told her about my raging addiction to meth and she just laughed. Oh well. Anywa, I had planned on getting her something nice for her new skybox but she only had 2 prims left. Somehow it worked out that SHE bought ME a gift. It was so sweet of her and so unexpected.

This is so annoying. When I sat down to right this I had a list of things to cover and now I can't remember what was on the list or even if what I've typed so far was on it. I suppose tomorrow's blog entry will be that much longer.

Phenomena

Do-doo-do-do...

Something I have done in the past in SL has created a phenomenon in my current SL. I had more than one account in the past. More than two even. Way more than anyone could ever need in fact. I want so much to have Mistress trust me but she is reasonably concerned about me going back to my old ways - if things were a challenge for me it was so easy just to start from scratch. I've had enough of that. This is me now and all I am in SL. Mistress thought I was on SL on yet another alt and we spent a good bit of time talking about it.

I am still feeling the hurt from what I did in the past and I am sure others are too. Tonight, when Mistress was just at the height of her 'inquiries' (that sounds so much nicer than 'interrogation') Jaan sent me an IM. Mistress had turned off my IMs so that we'd have an uninterrupted conversation and it just figures that just as we were getting things clarified, Jaan logged off.

Jaan... I am really sorry. I'm not avoiding you. I'm sure your new home is wonderful and I have been dying to take you shopping for a housewarming gift. PLEASE forgive me!?!

Another odd phenomenon is that something as stifling as a hush can seem so intimate to me. It is so strangely compelling to wonder what she is doing while I am shushed. She'll ask for some random bit of information and then shush me again. Then I'll see those sparkles around my avatar and goodness knows what they might mean Mistress is doing.

Control like Mistress gives it can be so comforting or safe or relaxing... something close to those things. But it also means that I can never know what is next; I am always on the edge of my seat.

/me whispers,"Don't tell her I am blogging while I am shushed!"

I had an idea about that actually. If I keep the blog open while I am in SL I can make notes to myself every time something blog-worthy happens and then go back later and blog it up with more detail later. Why didn't I realize what a good idea this is a long time ago?

Mistress saw someone - Mellisa Fargis - that shared so many things in common with me that it is no wonder that she thought I had created another account. She and I dress the same, type with the same style, have a similar sense of humor and on and on. Now I want to meet this person - anyone who is that much like me must be wonderful!

So who is the Melissa person? By the way I am almost certain I have misspelled her name here. Her name wasn't changed to protect the innocent. It was changed because I spelled it wrong. Here are my theories about her:

• She is *shudders!* circus people. She'll be gone when the tent gets rolled up and the load the giraffes on the train.
• She works at a Circle K (that's like a 7-11 only with no numbers in the name) and uses the work computer to login to SL.
• She is a soccer mom and logs in when the kids are at school.
• She saw me somewhere (most likely she remembers me from when I was in the Spice Girls and no, I WASN'T Old Spice!) and liked what she saw and did some borrowing and copying.
• She is just herself and we share some remarkable coincidences.

Mistress and I finally (!) finished (almost) the picture project! Woohoo! (almost).

And this keyboard is driving me nutso. The shift buttons stick and sometimes random letters don't work. What a bugger!

Did some more lines

The total by my rough guess is at about 700 lines so far. Sheesh. Will I EVER learn?

It should be about her...

... and I keep making it about me. I'm all about giving in so many other areas of SL and RL and so much for me is about other people. It's odd that I am so self-centered in SL. Not all of SL actually but just with Mistress.

She is so kind and takes such time with me. I've seen her amazing patience with so many who would love to be in my position and obviously she is so patient with me and my goodness do I ever need her patience!

She keeps giving me glimpses and there is this fleeting moment when things really start to click and then:

• According to me: I get distracted by the things she keeps throwing at me
• According to her: I'm not using my heart; I'm not just reacting on instinct.
• According to me: I am MILES away from getting it
• According to her: I am sooooo close

There is a phrase that I have always hated - so close and yet so far. It's so quasi-poetic and over-used. So here I am using it again but I'll put a twist on it so I don't loathe myself too deeply for it. I feel like I am so far and yet so far from really getting it. Which may mean I am closer than I think I am. Who knows? Certainly not me.

We go around and around about it and I keep trying to put too much brain power into things and just end up missing the big picture. It's getting frustrating for me and yet, of course, she is stll just as a patient as ever.

There is so much more to not thinking - to just reacting instinctually - than there appears to be. It's like I've been trying so hard to just react that I am wearing myself out and probably missing the point. Again.

She is still about the extremes. In just a few minutes she goes from tenderness to near rage and back. It seems so controlled somehow. So measured. Her nose taps are so dear to me and really, in a way, so are her neck zaps.

We seem to have seen the last of Mellamokeesha. Perhaps it's for the best anyway. Maybe someone with a simpler name would be better. How about an 'Ann' or a 'Lori?' Something nice and short?

Stupid computer.

I'm just TPing around looking for some furniture and all of a sudden my screen just goes black. About 5 seconds later there was a flicker, then that blue screen that looks like computers did in the 80s. Something about memory dumping and of course the screen changes before I can read any more of it. It went black again and just kept trying to start up. Over and over and over...

I just turned it off and went storming off to bed and didn't sleep a wink. A few lessons I learned yesterday:

1. Don't buy an HP laptop.
2. Don't shop at Circuit City.
3. Stay away from that witch named Carole at the Circuit City on Chandler Blvd by the mall.
4. If you are forced to ignore a problem because Circuit City only hires buffoons, it just might go away.

So here I am back on my mysteriously working HP laptop that I wish I had bought any where besides Circuit City. I just turned it on and it seems to be fine which makes me feel oh so confident that it won't blow up again in two minutes.

Maybe my computer didn't like the clothes I had on in SL.

About 3 hours...

... just to finish a wall. I'm sure that an experienced builder could have finished it in a few minutes but I'm not an experenced builder. I'm not even a builder.

I got another 'Hi' from a would-be rescuer, which makes two in two days. I really must be more fair about things; I have no idea what it is he wants and he might just be offering a friendly 'hello.' Either way, my IMs aren't working just now (probably due to something I gackt up on) so I sent a notecard, which I am sure is going to re-ignite his fervor to rescue me. Oh well... I'll see soon enough.

Hi Jann! Welcome back! I'm so sorry I keep missing you in SL!

I must be getting old

Last night and tonight are the first in a long time that I can remember being so aware of how tired I am. Next thing you know I'll be drving a Buick and getting 10% off Denny's.

I spent more time working on the pics for the basement tonight and then did some more fiddling with adding a wall in the bedroom. In the past I always thought that building in SL was just tedious and frustrating. I was right. Getting these angles right is a bugger!

Topics that I have written lines or essays about.

This is a partial list:

The importance of the blog - 50 lines.
Being prepared for Mistress - 100 lines.
The importance of Honest - 200 lines.

The amount of time that we spend online over time - No length requirement.*
Why I need to properly write the book of gackt in my blog - 1000 words.
Which hypno files should I listen to - No length requirement.
What SL jobs might be appropriate for me - 500 words.
My thoughts about being banished - 500 words.
Comparison of the 2 bane suits - 500 words.

I know I've done so many more than this and it's a bit shameful that I either can't find them or can't remember them. Some of the lines I have typed have been typed directly into chat so there would be nothing in my inventory about them.

*More of a research project really.

My left arm is literally numb

I have typed thousands of words today and I think it's time for a break.

Mistress is a woman of extremes

I don't know how she can go from being so tender to so very angry, then back to kind and loving in so little time. Of course, it's fair to ask how I can CAUSE her to have to go from one to the other. So, feel free. Ask away. *sly grin*

I keep getting bits and pieces of what Mistress is like in her real life. Today I learned a bit about what she likes to watch on TV and a little about what she likes in art. I learned that we have almost opposite tastes. This seems less significant here than when it occurred to me put it here in the first place. Oh well. If we ever disagree over what to watch, I wonder who will win.

In the last few days there have been two attempts to save me from myself. The first was from a man who I am sure is very sweet and is sincere in his motives and who is completely uneducated about this lifestyle. It can seem shocking to an outsider and I am sure that taking it at face value, he'd be concerned about someone in slavery.

On the other hand…

No one forces me to login to SL and no one forces me to do the things that I do for Mistress. I suppose it is one of the shortcomings of conducting this type of relationship in SL and Mistress and I have worked out a reasonable solution to it. Anyway… thank you for the thought, but I’m fine just as I am.

The other is a bit of a vagabond and (no offense to her) but it is very ironic that SHE would try to help ME, if that was indeed what she had in mind. Her approach was to try so sew seeds of doubt about Mistress and whether she can be trusted, etc. Again… thanks, but I’m good just as I am.

Today, Mistress toyed with the idea (I HOPE she was toying with the idea at least) of having me learn a foreign language – and not an easy one like Russian. Oh my goodness! When would I ever have the time to devote to that?

On the other hand… I do spend an ‘ungodly’ amount of time in SL.

I have always been a bit prideful about my profile, especially on some of the accounts I have had in the past. Mistress said that mine had become kind of convoluted and I must admit that she was right. I changed it as she instructed me to (she told me to change it but not what to write, word for word) and something occurred to me. When I was out wandering on my own, my profile was so cynical and dry and now that I am hers, my gackty brain is rampant with so much stuff OTHER than what to do with my profile that the efforts I have put towards it have been half-hearted at best. SL has never been so rich a learning experience for me.

I really MUST remember not to go get a large Starbucks and then login to SL. Sheesh.

Things I have in common with Mellamokeesha

Talking with her and reading her profile I noticed some shocking similarities...

• Our names are virtually identical.


• We both se habla Ingles.


• We stumbled upon the name of Jacquelin Mazi the same way, from the same group list.


• I was raised in the wild, mosty by chimpanzees; she was apparently classically educated.


• We both have computers.


• We were both babified by Hikaru Dreadlow.


• Neither of us is currently being babified by Hikaru Dradlow.


• Mistress' profile spoke to each of us in a similar way.


• We both disapeared. No wait... that was just her, not me.

I was looking forward to becoming friends with her. I wish she hadn't flaked on us.

This will be quite vague...

... I am noticing that the more I try not to notice something, the more that the act of trying not to notice it re-routes my gackty brain right back to what I am trying not to notice. It doesn't help at all that the very thing I am trying not to notice is caused by something that I have to do quite regularly - sometimes when I am in the middle of not noticing what I am trying not to notice.

Sheesh.

What an SL day today was!

From out of nowhere Mistress and I met someone new, a possible new addition to our little family. We spent a good bit of time with her and although I like her and we have some startling similarities, there are a couple of sticky points. I do hope things work out with her. She seems so smart.

She gets these waves of lag that seem to ebb and flow like the tide. My goodness that was poetic wasn't it? It seems like most of the time she is hampered by lag and then all of a sudden, but only for a few moments, there is no lag at all. Very strange. I'm not sure Mistress will have the patience for her ebbs and flows. It sometimes took her 2 minutes to answer to a question Mistress had asked her - not two minutes to type the answer - two minutes just to begin typing.

On the same topic, it appears as though Henrik is no more, which is too bad. He seemed so eager and sincere. Oh well.

It was interesting to see myself in this new person. I re-read my first conversation with Mistress and was so ashamed of what I told her. She knows all there is to know now but my goodness... I just flat-out, blatantly lied to her. Some first impression that was.

NOTICE TO ALL PROSPECTIVE SLAVES OF JACQUELIN MAZI:

She has magical powers. Do not try to lie to her. You will be caught and humiliated and not in the way that is so popular at the Ranch.

Mistress' lessons are remarkable. If this was a phrase in a RL, verbal conversation, someone in the room (possibly me) would say, 'Well duh!' There is so much to learn from her and so much that one would think should be at least semi-obvious.

Her lessons are multi-layered. There is the obvious part of it - the 'you did this, so you get this' part of her lessons. But once she peels away a layer or two of ignorance, there is realization. It becomes more like 'if you do this again, you will get this.'

Reading what I just typed out sounds so very un-profound. When I experienced it today it was very profound and very persuasive.

The gackty one is lucky in many ways.

Lolled away a few hours in SL today...

Sometimes I login to SL and just keep a half an eye on it while I work. Working from home is quite a luxury and one of many I am happy to have in my life. I spend what could reasonably called an 'ungodly' amount of time in SL and some of it is spent being only halfway here in a way.

If friends can't see me online, I'd at least like to be able to see them. It's an odd twist that gives me this weird control in my friendships in SL. 'Hmm... Soandso Suchandsuch just logged in. Will I talk to him? Or not?' I am just mad with power.

I finally got some time with Henrik but it seems time with him comes in spurts. We set a time to meet tomorrow and I am anxious to see how it goes.

I got another anonymous IM from someone in the Newbie Support group. This time it was someone who had read my profile first and apparently made some decisions about me based on what he read. I must admit though that in a textual world it is very easy to misinterpret things. He may have been sincere and just curious.

Anyway... He built a rental house and offered to show it to me and when I got there he took me on a tour and seemed to linger in the bedroom. I'm not sure what he was expecting and I was polite enough about his house and when he crashed, I skee-daddled on out of there.

I got another IM from him tonight while I was offline, just kind a 'Hi there' IM. I replied which wasn't the brightest thing I've done all week. Now I'm leading him on.

/me konks herself in the head.

I spotted a new person who really needed some help and - this is mildly ironic - I sent an IM and she apparently didn't know how to reply or maybe didn't even realize that she got an IM. Oh well. MY one-woman SL beautification program will have to wait for another newbie to help.

This will make your ears bleed...

It's like lather, rinse, repeat. When will it end? I am supposed to blog about what I do in SL and right now I am in SL but I am blogging. So I have to blog that but it's not really what I'm doing in SL, is it? But that IS what I'm doing and I AM in SL... so...

This is the kind of thing that makes the ozone hole bigger and causes those nasty rips in the fabric of time.

Typing lines is the worst!

It's demeaning and childish and is truly a punishment. It is just mindless tedium and at the same time it is a remarkably strong link to Mistress and is an effective reinforcement. For this hour that I will be typing these bloody lines I will think of almost nothing besides the assigned topic.

She has me type each line a bit different than the last so that she knows there is no copy/pasting. 100 lines of the same thing is surprisingly hard to do. It takes 10 or 15 seconds to type one line but it takes 40 seconds to type two, and more than a minute to type three. It just sucks.

A new assignment and it's not an essay!

Mistress asked me to take over something for her; she wants some decorations for the basement and gave me some of the things that she had in mind. It is turning out to be more of a challenge than it first appeared to be.


I want the things in the house to be tasteful and elegant, as does she - no surprise at all that we agree on that. The things I found were perhaps more subtle than she had in mind but to me, less is more sometimes, especially in art. So the challenge has been finding things that are so much more elegant than the general ickiness on the Internet, and then within that subset, finding things that are large enough to meet her requirements. THEN I need to figure out how to make them the right size to upload into SL.


Sheesh. This Mistress is educating me in ways that I never thought she would. And I mean 'sheesh' in only the best possible way.


[Cue cheesy, overly-dramatic music]


And what will become of Henrik?


He seems smart, eager, patient (this makes him unique among Mistress' wannabes) but also he seems very logoffy. I hope that things work out for him, whatever that might mean. It would be nice to see a male slave who is different from the creepy ones that were in Gor, one who has a sense of right and wrong and who has a spine and one who gives a good amount of attention to his appearance. Time will tell I suppose.


I am surprised (and I am not sure why) at the thought of being with another slave, especially a male slave. I think it might be because I am with Mistress and I have developed such feelings for her and then to be made to be with another slave would be such poor replacement.


I logged into SL for what I thought was going to be just a moment to get a notecard. It turned into about an hour, mostly because I just couldn't ignore some brut and his vulgarity. I just had to be gackty and tell him off. He really was low and crass and after he sort of faded out of the conversation I found myself in (as a result of my gacktiness) I began to feel like maybe I should have let him just be himself, as crude as that is. I apologized to him and about 3 minutes later, he came and apologized to me and the others I was speaking with. How nice it was to see things work like that but how gackt that I had to be a snot in the first place.


So now I'm going to be typing 100 lines about it. I am getting off easy this time.

I've been with Mistress for just over a month and the odd passage of time in SL is still... odd. I've felt so close to her sometimes and then so far but to feel such levels of emotion after 6 or so weeks is a very SL phenomenon. Tonight I feel like we've come so much closer. Of course there were Mistressy warnings which I took very seriously and still, we've reached a new place. And no, you pervs, we didn't have sex or anything even like. We were just close and peaceful and together. It was lovely.

Mistress has this way, one of many ways actually, of pushing me. I think I'm at my limit and she squeezes a little more out of me, and a little more the next time and so on. She did this experiment where she told me that I was forbidden not to disobey her - something like that anyway. She was of course 100% correct about the outcome and I had no idea that she'd even ask that of me. Quite an amazing woman and I am quite lcky to be with her.

The house is about 3/4 done. We need a few things yet but soon it will be less a project and more a home.

The gackty one got hackt!

So there I was, just settin' on a bench, reading profiles and watching the parade go by when my mouse pointer suddenly just went haywire. Somehow I immediately knew that someone was in my computer and as I was moving my mouse to close SL, I saw the payment thing pop up - the window that you use to pay someone. This person was in my account and about to pay himself all of my Lindens. Ack! And I usually keep a rather high balance. ACK!

So I closed SL and even with it closed, this person was still controlling my mouse. It was still darting all over my screen so I turned off my computer and unplugged my wireless. What an odd feeling that is. Nothing seems to have been stolen but just to be safe I changed all my passwords and downloaded some more security software.

We now return to our regularly scheduled blog entry...

Isn't this backwards? I overheard this last night:

[0:48] Saberrah Lykin sighs: this sucks...I never know what to do when my Owner isn't around!

I've written and re-written about this comment and everything I've come up is just so negative. I guess I'll just leave it there, unburdened by my comments and judgements. It would be interesting to see some comments about this though. Am I wrong? Is this healthy? It seems very un.

A little research

I'd been gacktily worrying that I was seeing Mistress less and less lately. She suggested that I look and see if that was true. I looked at the notecards I've saved of our conversations and then at the times we began and ended.

Oh, here's a surprise! Mistress was right again and I was gackt!

Things are about the same as they always have been vis a vis (I love using that phrase) our time spent online. I suppose that the thing that has changed is my desire to be with her. The same amount of time now seems to be less.

People keep telling me how lucky I am and I enthusiastically agree. I'd also agree if they told me how spoiled I am.

That was a rough start

I didn't see Mistress login tonight. I was with a friend (who is really earning some patience points) and I went to take care of something, then the phone rang. Mistress waited 4 minutes for me to greet her, and then just sent a shock. I had no idea she was online so it came as quite a shock to be shocked.

Then I said that dreaded 'T' word and so I started our time with 50 lines about using common sense.

Mistress is a very impressive woman; she can divine the truth and see into the future. She is so caring. I've done such foolish things and she knows them all and still, I am hers. I am truly lucky to be have her.

I am starting finally to find a rhythm with her. I have friends and am enjoying them and decorating the house. And I am finally comfortable enough to let my guard down with her. It's taken far too long and my favorite thing is when she taps my nose.

/me smiles and trusts her Mistress entirely.

When I was with Jaan earlier she said that I make her laugh. I get philosophical sometimes; having a sense of humor is a nice thing and wins friends easily but making people laugh and be joyous is a blessing. It is success.

I am noticing more opposites again. I have seen things in SL that I thought were just silliness; not fun, sensual, kinky... just silly, and having those things forced on me is very oddly compelling. I need to apply myself to it and give it my best while I just think it is ridiculous. That makes it a challenge and makes the act of it somehow more... legitimate?

/me shrugs.

Only one zap tonight. Am I finally learning?

She puts the stress in Mistress

When I saw Mistress last night she was so kind and pleasant and seemed so happy.

Today I could tell she was she was feeling differently. Her first words to me were of her disappointment in me.

It occurred to me later that possibly this might be how she plans to keep me guessing. Did she plan on being two sides of the same coin and two consecutive days? Brilliant thinking if so. Or was she simply in a mood today and I am making too much of it, as I have done in the past?

These ideas tumbled around the empty area between my ears for a bit and then I realized a third possibly, one that is probably much more likely. Mistress is just being Mistress and I just gackt up again.

The result is the same with either of these options of course. My SL is utterly unpredictable when she is online.

Today's big lesson: I MUST be prepared for Mistress to login at any time. I must have things in place and if they are not then I must deal with the consequences.

When she says things sometimes I am at a loss for words (better that it would be at a loss for thoughts, but...). I am just shocked that she would do (or have me do) the things that she does. She will say something, or worse, let me puzzle it out on my own, and the ramifications are just never what I'd have thought. She has me doing things I thought I'd never do, willingly or otherwise and when she goes and leaves to deal with what's happened, I find myself already missing her.

I never knew it would be like this, or could be.

Opposites

It is so odd how opposites here seem to be the same.

I broke a rule - a very basic one that should be habit by now. I had to be zapped. If she hadn't we'd have lost respect for each other and for the ideas that make 'us' work. So I needed a zap for the good of us both and she was sad to have to do it.

Now the odd part...

I felt this wave of emotion when she said that she was sad at having to do it. She had no choice and didn't want to and I felt so close to her even as she did it (and I did it in RL).

I was glad and deeply touched by her sadness. I got that way you get just before you cry. But if she hadn't had to zap me, I'd never have felt that. I was as glad for the zap in a way as I was for the closeness I felt to her.