Saturday, December 6, 2008

Mistress has 3 'things' implanted in me that let her control nearly everything about me. I like her having that much control even I sometimes hate what she does to me. Even though I know I may hate I still crave her to conrtol me however she likes.

There is an amazing number of things she can control and one of them is whether I can see names. When she restricts that, everything anyone says is listed in chat as:

[9:49] A person pats your head
[9:49] A person: good luck

It is very odd to feel so separate from everything and everyone - I can't see names, 'A person.'

I ID'd a problem I've been having. The type of love that I feel for Mistress is different than how I feel about others, like Jan for example. It is a matter of HOW I love Mistress that makes my place before her what it is and it is easy to confuse her for a friend or sister and begin to expect her to do the kinds of things that friends and sisters do.

It makes me feel disappointed in a way that I'll never have that with Mistress. It is as if we are intimately close but still at arm's length from each other but at the same time, if we shared that type of love for each other we'd be nothing more than playing a game and so it makes me glad that I've realized this and that we have what we have as it is. I feel some pride at that and fear that I will flub again but really, that is probably true of everyone - that doubt and fear. I hope it is at least.

Mistress zapped me more times than I can remember today. I never faltered but I wondered where the will to zap myself comes from. She talked about it being helplessness, a need, vulnerability. It is so strangely compelling that I hate that but not only will I do it but that it makes me feel closer to her.

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