Friday, October 31, 2008

I spent the whole night with Jan. It was so nice to just talk. We found some boots that should work and explored a few dance strategies and such. Mostly we just kind of hung out.

I sent an IM to Taralynne; she is the woman I need to talk to about dancing at the club. I must admit I was sort of relieved that she wasn't online tonight but I must also admit that I will be glad when the waiting is over.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Jan has been helping me with my new career as a dancer. She gave me a bunch of new dance anims last night - at least 10 - and took me shopping for something to wear. I still need to get a bit more comfortable with this part of it but the big challenge is going to be the more expressive part of it.

Last night there were all dancers and no audience at the club and tonight there is (so far) no dancers and ALL audience. The only one interacting publicly with anyone else was the DJ, Kathern.

Tonight I got the help I really needed from Mistress - what to say, HOW to say it, how much to say, why to say it, who to say it to... of course it wasn't as cut and dried as I have just made it sound. It was much more of a learn by doing lesson but at this point I feel much more prepared to actually go and do it.

It's funny how Mistress gives me these things to do that I just dread and then I end up so grateful to her for helping me with the huge challenge that I am faced with.
I did a trick I learned from Jan tonight. I was tired when I got home from work so I just went to bed after dinner and got up at 11 or so and logged in to SL. No Mistress but Jan logged in just after I did and we did some catching up and found a dancing outfit. That was her weekly gift to Emilee. *Smiles*

I went to the club just after I logged in and the only people there were 5 dancers - all House of V people - and 3 Goreans. The Gor people were pretty much off by themselves and seemed not to be interested in the dancers, who were ignoring them anyway. When Jan logged in I figured that I wouldn't be missing much at the club so she took me shopping.

After that we did a little outfit comparing and such but the whole time I was trying to suppress this worry that I haven't seen Mistress since Friday. I am too paranoid sometimes but that week when we were apart was kind of icky and not seeing her for so long is a vivid reminder.

Anyway, I had a great first day at work and was almost a celebrity. People kept peeking into the training room to see me. I am really glad to be back there.

SL hasn't crashed like it has for kind of a long time which is good news but here is some new SL wonkiness - the buttons along the bottom of the screen all disappeared tonight so I can't record my login times. Just so I have them down somewhere, they are in at 11:22pm and out at 1:21 am.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Jan IM'd me while I was finishing up some things for Mistress. She is a remarkable friend. She sent me a link to a Youtube SL dancing tutorial. It was about how to use an AO and such to make it more than just a canned animation.

I guess that is part of my fear about dancing. I want it to be better than what you normally see which is a challenge because I don't really know what you normally see. Kind of funny huh?

I saw Mistress briefly tonight. She logs in at 4:00 am to see the gackty and sometimes doesn't last very long which is quite reasonable since she logs in after her workday ends. Tonight was kind of like that. I am worried about our times together going forward. We are already on opposite ends of the country and now we will each be working when the other is home or asleep. I can spend a few late nights but for the first few weeks of my job I will be in training as in I will be trained, not training. I need to learn the curriculum and methods, etc., and will need to be alert for that. Down the road I will probably develop a routine but for now I am worried that my need for sleep will cost me Mistress time.

I don't mean for that to sound like a complaint. I just need to adjust to a new schedule, that's all.

I am a very lucky person.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I've logged in twice today specifically to talk to the woman at the place where Mistress wants me to dance. Both time I completely chickened out. What if she asks about my experience or wants an example? Ack! How am I possibly going to do this?

I went to the place and it was so laggy that I could barely move. Once I got inside there were about 30 people and I counted ten who had the name of the place in their group title.

There was one girl on the main stage (?) and one other on a smaller paltform. The one on the stage said this after I'd been there about ten minutes:

[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: hmmmm still a little quiet in here! Lets show our guests a GREAT TIME!!!!!!! and make this House rock!
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: \o/ \o/
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: Hooo!! Hooo!!
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: / \ / \
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: ~*~* HOV ROCKS *~*~
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: ☆*¨¨*:• HOOOOOO!!!!!!!•.•:*¨*☆
[15:56] Casiopia Twischer: Hoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always hated when people do that, partly because it is a bit too cutesy for me and partly because I don't know how to do it myself. Dancing is going to be a HUGE challenge for me. I need to try to make it fun rather than so scary. It is SO unlike anything I've ever experienced.

[16:03] Casiopia Twischer wraps her legs around the pole and gently slides herself up and down, letting light moans release from between her lips

Why is it sexy to dance around a pole? Do men come in to places like this imagining that the pole is their weewee?

I looked the shoes that Casiopia had on and they came from... ugh! Whoreware.

I got this message today:
[15:50] Dax Avatar Status Monitor: Now Online.
I logged in to work on some assignments and saw Rachelle for a fleeting instant. I will be needing her help to keep from being laughed off the stage when I start my dancing career.

My sister called tonight. She has been in Afghanistan for the last year or so and the Army has made it nearly impossible for her to tell me when she is coming home. She called tonight (Thursday) to tell me that she is coming home tomorrow (Friday). Ack!

She of course has the same mom I do and so the only home she has to come home to is my home. Of course she is welcome but the last she told me, she said she would be home right around Thanksgiving. Ack!

We've been furiously preparing a room for her and putting together Ikea furniture. Once she gets settled things should get back to normal fairly quickly, although what 'normal' looks like is still up in the air since I'm starting my new job on Monday. I am picturing lots of reeeeally late nights and groggy afternoons.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I saw Mistress for the first time today in over a week. It's been longer since I've seen Jan.

I'm not feeling well so this will be brief. I will expend on this later.

When a dancer in SL dances, she 'dances' by emoting. Mistress knows this and so to help me with my ongoing problem, I am to get a job as a dancer in SL. I feel utterly and completely and totally unprepared for this, which of course makes me feel scared. I have never seen a dancer in RL.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Long chat with Rachelle, the 2nd smartest person in SL

[15:01] rachelle Binder: yes so Lucy doesn't speak does she? i mean in english right?
[15:01] Emilee Gackt: No
[15:02] rachelle Binder: you can just TELL from her reactions how she feels?
[15:02] Emilee Gackt: Right.
[15:02] rachelle Binder nods pausing a long moment letting all that sink in before speaking again

Lucy has an advantage here in that she isn't expected to speak. All she has to do is wag her tail or hide between her legs. I have this huge mess of emotion and history and issues to sort out every time I have to decide how I feel.

[15:04] rachelle Binder: she doesn't even talk and you can read her reactions and know how she feels
[15:04] rachelle Binder: she isn't smart
[15:04] rachelle Binder: she doesn't make important decisions in life
[15:05] rachelle Binder: she must obey you or be punished
[15:05] rachelle Binder: she makes you happy just being there
[15:05] rachelle Binder: and she takes care of you
[15:05] rachelle Binder: and you take care of her
[15:05] Emilee Gackt: Yes
[15:05] rachelle Binder: freaky huh

She gave me a lot to digest, intellectually speaking. Of course we talked for quite a while so there was ample opportunity.

[15:13] rachelle Binder: let me ask you this
[15:13] rachelle Binder: if you were going to punish Lucy and she rebelled and panicked and freaked out and like maybe growled or bit you.... would you be MORE upset?
[15:13] Emilee Gackt: Yes
[15:13] rachelle Binder: verrrrry important lesson there sweets!

................... is what Rachelle's brain does when it is burning and is what my brain is doing right now.

[15:54] rachelle Binder: heres the ..... deal sweets.... or your dilemma.... for whatever i know[15:54] rachelle Binder: you ache to serve and please...

[15:54] rachelle Binder: its so deeply in you

[15:54] rachelle Binder: from your RL
[15:54] rachelle Binder: but
[15:54] rachelle Binder: the problem is....
[15:54] rachelle Binder: you go to SL and realize you can do what you want when you want[15:54] rachelle Binder: so when Someone pushes you....
[15:55] rachelle Binder: you instantly shut off that ache and return to hiding your feelings and rebelling

This is just amazing. She boiled this down in a few lines of text and I've been trying to unravel it for years. Literally years.

[16:50] rachelle Binder: the moral is
[16:50] rachelle Binder: it can ALWAYS be worse
[16:50] rachelle Binder: and if complaining will not work
[16:50] rachelle Binder: then isn't it best to endure and try to accept?

If I have half a brain, I will read and re-read this post until I have it memorized. Of course, only having half a brain might explain why my head is always tilted.

I've been missing Mistress and Jan fiercely and it's my fault. I apologize to you both as sincerely as I possibly can.

I lost my Internet connection at about midnight my time and the automated voice response thing at Cox was absolutely no help at all. I moved some plugs around pretty randomly and seem to be back online but Blogger has taken this opportunity to mess the line spacing again.

Cox will be here between 10 and noon tomorrow to hopefully fix this once and for all and probably charge me a bunch of outrageous fees.
Wondering and waiting.

How much has changed, if anything? What rules still apply?

Is Mistress still keeping me at arm's length? What do I need to be learning at this point? What is the lesson? Am I reading far too much into this? If she isn't online, am I so self-centered to believe that it is about me? Maybe she has an appointment with a doctor, maybe she is out buying socks.

Does she get how stressful this is for me? Then again, how can she not get that? She has been here, just where I am but I have no doubt that she dealt with it more thoroughly than I have. This all seems so second nature to her and such an effort for me.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Mystery solved:

[23:54] Choz Bravin: (Saved Sat Oct 18 12:16:02 2008) umm i think i may have done this by mistake sorry

I came to see Mistress and waited nervously for an hour perhaps. Mondays have always been a busy day for her so it's no surprise that I didn't see her. I feel completely unprepared to see her anyway. I just have this feeling that things have changed although I must admit I have no good reason for feeling this way.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I logged in to pay the rent on the house. I couldn't remember exactly how long we had left. We are now paid for 11 days.

I got a random friendship request from Choz Bravin. Accepted it but IM'd him to ask if it was at Mistress' request. That name sounds vaguely familiar.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Last week I bought some flavored sparkling water to give my daily water ration some variety. I got key lime and blackberry just as a start to see if I even like the stuff. It is in bigger bottles than a standard water bottle but if I liked it, I figured it would be worth it.When I told Mistress about it she made a comment that it was a bit 'free' of me to just go and do that without even asking her.

What she said made me realize that we are farther apart than I felt we were. In her mind she owns my ability to decide what to drink. In my mind it is just a simple choice - this water or that water.

What about getting freebies? I 'bought' a few things today and then it occurred to me that I really ought to ask Mistress first. I am sure her first reaction would be that no girl of hers is going to run around in freebies but these are actually nice looking.

Same as above - Mistress owns my look and my inventory. She LETS me have clothes and shoes, etc. My response should be to thank her for what I have instead of asking for more and complaining.

I've been given this week to get things sorted out. There is only one real choice at the end of the week although she listed a few. I blogged a few days ago that I have to figure this out and that was the first choice she gave me. Not in so many words but that was the heart of it.

She is a brilliant, fascinating person.

SL is crashing my computer less but freezing up more.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Blogger is as wonky as SL is

Skip down two posts to the one about Jan. I put a quote from our conversation in the blog entry. She entered the text at 12:52 am SL time and I posted to the blog at about 1:15 am (give or take ten minutes or so) but Blogger says that the post was posted at 12:43 am.

Weird huh?

I need to remember this...

[14:48] Jacquelin Mazi: let me tell you what 'I' enjoy more than anything..... 'effort'.... creativity.... originality....... oh yes well control is maybe an obvious one *smiles*.... I LOVE knowing that I am pushing you SOOO MUCH and EVERY TIME you succeed... I appreciate you more

All Jan and no Mistress tonight

What makes Jan a very good friend and very good for me:

[0:15] Jaan Dubrovna: do you mind if I try it? I mean i don't want to sound like I am mocking althought it might
[0:16] Emilee Gackt smiles sincerely. "I just love you Jan! PLEASE try!"
[0:16] Jaan Dubrovna: but I would like to see what it is like if you don't mind.
[0:17] Jaan Dubrovna ponders hesitantly This is a definite challenge
[0:17] Emilee Gackt smiles happily. "Yes it is! And now imagine doing that in front of EVERYTHING you say in SL."

Is emoting an emotion?

[0:52] Jaan Dubrovna emotes "All this emoting takes time"

Doing all this emoting-speak with Jan was such wonderful practice and really kind of fun but still it will be a huge challenge for me not to 'feel' the same thing every time I speak. The whole time with Jan I felt so close to Mistress - like she was watching and knowing why this was a good thing for me to be doing. Sometimes things are beyond me but having Mistress know what to do is my safety in SL. She is reliable and I am gacktable.

I must have lost my Internet connection just as Jan and I were preparing to log off. According to SL, she has been typing for the last 10 minutes. Sorry Jan. We are at the mercy of the machines.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Feeling words


That was random.

If I stop and gather my feelings about Mistress, these words apply:


Quite a difference in these two lists but it obviously reflects the nature of the relationship I have with each of these people.

Jan is kind of an oasis and Mistress is the ultimate in contrasts, challenges, pain and joy. I play and have fun and share with Jan and I learn and grow and change with Mistress. Both are priceless.
I was expecting her to launch into me about our time earlier today. I had sent her my blog that was too personal to post and we got a bit sidetracked for a while. We talked about religion for a long time, she showed me a youtube of a song and such and the whole time I was aching to know what was about to happen.

Was I still hers? Does she still want me?

Was it proper to ask her that there and then or was it proper to let her guide our conversation as she chose? Does she want my feelings as I have them? In blurts?

Do I just blurt out that I am desperately worried that I have gackt things up completely? Do I wait for the conversation to come around to that?
This will work. How can it possibly NOT work?

[2:23] Jacquelin Mazi: what is the ONE thing you have been doing all week poorly?
[2:23] Emilee Gackt: Sharing my feelings Mistress.
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi nods
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: and as always.....
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: the punishment will fit the crime
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: EVERYTHING you say on SL will be proceeded with an emote expressing your feelings
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: is this clear?

I was on for about 20 minutes after this was announced and my heart pounded each time I had to type. That woman is brilliant. I have never been so forced to search myself like this. I am anxious for this to go on and truly excited by it. What will I see myself feeling? What will I learn about myself?

Everything I say must include how I feel.

When did so and so last login?
Who is Blahblah McBlah?
You will talk to Whats Hername tomorrow.

These things are all so mundane. What do I FEEL about these? Mostly nervousness at having to identify what I felt at that second. I need to have that pass and get to my real feelings.

I feel pride right now, which is odd. I made Mistress more mad than I ever have today but for some reason it popped into my head that I have endured more than nearly and sub or slave in SL, which is a pittance by comparison to some of course. But for me, I am glad that given all that Mistress uses to try to get me to where she wants me to be, I still love her and persevere to do my best for her. Nearly any other in SL would have fled long ago.

More than pride I feel relieved. Just unbelievably relieved and overwhelmingly tired. Emotion is so draining.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Where do I possibly get these words?

[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: RUONDEL - a circular decoration, especially a coloured circle on a military aircraft that shows its nationality
[9:29] You: roundel
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 13 seconds.
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'roundel'.

The subconscious part of my brain must be much stronger than I realize. I don't recall ever seeing or using the word below but I knew once I read the description. It might have helped that it wasn't very scrambled but still, what an obscure word for anyone to know. That sounded like I am showing off; I don't mean to. It's just odd that I knew that word. It's not like I use it all the time, you know?

'Oh yummy - Roundels! I love those things, especially with honey.'
'You poor thing. A roundel would fix you right up.'
'I SO hate it when airplanes of uncertain nationality go flying around without clearly visible roundels. Foreign pilots can be SO thoughtless.'

By the way, I AM Scrambling and dealing with my punishment discreetly. Let's play spot the gackty:

I wouldn't just drop into a bar dressed as I am. Jan and I talked about this last night. It is odd how personal an avatar can be sometimes. I am just as embarrassed as my cartoon self is at having to run around like this so I flew high above Hell Bop and checked the mini map. Once I was sure there was no one there I went in and hid so I didn't offend anyone but also so I wouldn't feel so silly.

I am hiding in the corner above the stage behind the ghoul. I checked it from all over the bar and the only place you can spot me is from the balcony which is usually empty anyway. If anyone did show up I'd have TP'd home in an instant.
I was in the middle of writing all this when Mistress logged in. I didn't see her and kept her waiting for a few minutes. Not intentionally of course but it could have been easily avoided if I only had a brain.

Mistress expects more of me than I can give. I just don't now how and sometimes I can't - I simply can not - do what she wants me to do. Some of it is a learning process (I know - I've been learning this stuff for months) and some of it is just how I have been trained and created to react to stress.

I feel impossibly challenged right now. Normally I crave a challenge but I have more than met my match. It is probably a combination of that - being at the limits of what I can do and give - and me just being my lazy, spoiled self.

Mistress compares me to others that she knows who have given what I have been unable to give her and really it seems like a fair comparison but I am just not the same person as those people. I have strengths in areas they don't and they are stronger than I am in some areas. Probably more of that than the other.

I was stretched past my limit today and I just logged out. That was weak of me and really very rude. I'm sure this will change things for us. Mistress has said a few times that she isn't sure who I am and that there is someone else at the keyboard. She says it in the context of me not living up to her expectations and of course I can't argue that. I have no doubt that that will always be true. I guess it is a matter of degree. At some point not living up to an expectation goes from a challenge and a coachable goal to a failure. Right now I am much closer to the failure end of the spectrum than the challenge end.

It is painful when she says that. It forces me to admit how hard I am to know and how I won't let people in, even people that I trust and care very much about.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know why it's hard for me and then I come up with something to blame it on. My parents, my past, my present, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am so close to getting it and then a 'today' happens and I feel like I have never been farther. I don't know what's going to happen with us and it scares me.

Am I still being punished?

I talked to the required three people about my behavior but in 2 of the 3 cases I was more talking AT them than TO them.

They were both from Europe and as I remember it both of them said that they didn't quite understand what it was that I wanted from them. On one hand I have fulfilled my requirement and on the other it wasn't much of a conversation.

Mistress did say that for now I would remain like this but that things might change Sunday or Monday. I hope they do.

I put 'Mistress' in this sentence one too many times:

[1:17] Emilee Gackt nods. "Yes Mistress. I'm a bit disappointed but it will help me Mistress."

My sister (who is in the Army) would have said that I made a Mistress sandwich out of her.

Mistress fell asleep last night while we were together. I feel so grateful to her when that happens. It has happened once or twice before and it reminds me of how terribly late it is for her and the sacrifice she makes to come and see me. It is like what Jan does but with Mistress it is just following her work so she hasn't had any sleep yet or been able to relax at all.

I'm not sure Mistress would say that she makes a sacrifice for me. That hardly sounds very Mistressy does it? But she logs on at 3 or 4 am her time and I am grateful for it.

Lately I have been lucky enough to see Jan for a while and then Mistress. I am very lucky indeed.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

I either need to do it here or send a 38MB email

Mistress mentioned that she didn't like the cuffs that bekkers has on and asked me to research some new ones. She asked me for this too long ago for me to even remember and I am once again grateful for Mistress' patience.

How many pictures can I put in blogger?

These are the nicest looking ones I found but it doesn't look like they are RLV compatible. Trilobitewear, $300L.

Interesting. It has cuffs, so technically it counts I guess, right? RF, $425.

This isn't cuffs but it is more just an interesting idea. From RF, $400L.

This one is sort of cuffs, but again more of an interesting idea than a viable possibility. Also RF, also $400L.

These are cuffs! It didn't look like they were RLV compatible though but they are certainly pretty. Also RF, $200L.

These are cuffs also (duh!), I didn't see an option for leg cuffs but this set includes two cuffs instead of just one like the RR ones below.

These aren't really cuffs but more like a rack I guess. From Master & Slave.

These aren't cuffs either but they will accomplish pretty much the same thing. Real Restraint Straps. They have one set for the arms and one for the legs, $180L each.

This one is a little tricky to figure out. They are handcuffs but it looks like there is a plugin to create two sets of them, one for the wrists and one for the elbows. The cuffs are $250L and the plugin is $150L.

No Mistress, no Jan tonight but at least their absence gave me the chance to finish this. And when I say 'finish' I mean round 1 is done. I am sure Mistress will have some input on the whole thing.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Punishment conversations

The conversation I had yesterday was a bust because I forgot part of what I was supposed to say and because I just happened to pick Chatty Kathy to talk to.

Today I talked to a Master from Holland. Or was it the Netherlands? Are those the same country? Anyway he seemed very terse but you can never be sure in SL. It's impossible to discern tone of voice from text typed in a chat box but he listened and seemed to understand what I was saying.

I talked to a Mistress from somewhere in Europe. That is just a guess but she clearly didn't speak English as a first language. She also listened but I am not quite sure she really understood me. She asked me at least once if I was going be her sub.

The last person I talked to was a male submissive. He was the REALLY submissive sort. He had some kind of silky Gorean looking thing on and a collar and was in a permanent kneel. He apologized to a woman behind me for not kneeling at her feet which was odd since she hadn't asked him to, at least not in chat. Anyway, the good news is that he really seemed to listen to me.

I was with Mistress for a while this morning. She pointed out that I am doing it again with the not sharing feelings problem. I need to be looking at EVERY sentence she says for an opportunity to express my feelings to her. That's easy to say here but it will be a challenge for me in SL. I just know it.

Tonight in SL

I saw Jan's name on my list when I logged in so I sent her an IM first thing. I always do that so we get as much time as we can before Mistress logs in. I forgot, again, part of my punishment:

[2008/10/09 21:13] Emilee Gackt: *** IM blocked by sender's viewer

Oops. So we chatted on google chat for an hour or so. It was such a lovely talk and she proved again what a caring and committed friend she is.

When Mistress logged on I did what I always do. In RL I mean. When I see her name pop up in that blue box my heart immediately quickens and I usually mutter something like 'Oh jeez!' and then if I am not at home I press CTRL-shift-H and TP home right away.

We talked a bit about my punishment and whether it was as it needed to be. Next time I need to talk more about how I feel about it. Duh. That's what this entire thing is about.

I talked with two people at the same time and one of them was a budding philosopher. Maybe a psychologist. Maybe a loon...

[8:21] Samantha Littlething: Well the heart might point a compas like direction but it's the brain that decided to take the paved or unpaved path

That's beautiful.

She went on and on like this. Sometimes it is a blessing to be patient with people, even though you just want to grab them and throttle them and tell them to shut up and listen. Mistress felt she WAS listening. My distinction about that is that she was hearing my words but she was too busy planning her next oration to actually listen to what I was saying.

Anyway, for next time I need to include my feelings. I am grateful to Mistress for this exercise.

Funny that I called it an exercise. I see this as much more of a project than a punishment, at least this part of it.

Jan said so many wonderful things tonight. What a dear and insightful friend. She is beginning to value Mistress in my life and see how I benefit so much from being with her. I didn't realize it until recently but Jan and I have both been reaping therapeutic benefits from SL. Jan I knew, but I have just been realizing that I have been doing the same.

Tonight it was Mistress who was tired.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I am just now sort of realizing the other part of my punishment. I got impatient with Mistress about not being able to buy clothes, which was silly for a lot of reasons. I have something like 5000 items in my inventory and I got it into my head that I needed more. So that part of my punishment involves me wearing next to nothing. I'm not sure how long this will go on but I plan on spending a good chunk of time at home NOT doing Scramble. I feel completely silly, just standing alone in the house like this. I am so conspicuously exposed, which of course is not an accident or coincidence.
So here is some irony. Really embarrassing irony. I asked Mistress if I could buy a pair of pants from Celestial Studios. They were black cords with prim flares. They looked so nice in the store and even though the waist wasn't much higher than the ones I already have, they seemed like the pants for me.
I had asked for a few other things but the black pants were the ones that I really wanted.
Ready for the irony?
I just noticed that I already own those very pants. All this silliness is even more silly and might have been avoided if I hadn't been so gackty. Oh well.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I worry sometimes what people think of Mistress based on what they read here. There is so much that is unbloggable about any relationship. Nuance and feeling and emotion that are so intangible and indescribable.

When Mistress decides on a punishment there is a lot that goes into it. That word - punishment - almost cheapens what she accomplishes by it. I am sure it conjures so many images for people and so many cliche stereotypes.

The truth is that when she creates these punishments, they really are designed to help me learn. I'm not sure if Mistress knows this or not but one of the pillars of adult learning is that they need to learn for themselves. It creates ownership of course but it is in the puzzling things out that the learning takes place.

There is a saying that has been around forever and it is very valid, especially here. The saying is (I'll accentuate it by putting it in another font):

The best way to learn something is to teach it to someone else.
Again, I'm not sure Mistress knew how valid this statement is but in my here and now, it is particularly relevant. The best way for me to learn and to really get her concepts into my head is for me to tell others what happened, why and how. And it turns out that this is exactly what my punishment is, at least in part. In my mind this is the main part of it.
Also in my mind is the fact that this is the result of me doing something stupid and so technically this is a punishment but if we could take away what I did wrong and I still had to do what I have to do now, I count it as a blessing, as another of the ways that Mistress can see what I need and provide for it.
I also need to learn to be patient and not to forget my place, and my punishment incorporates all three of these. I want to spend some time clarifying things before I go forth into the world to accept my punishment and/or express my admiration for Mistress. It just doesn't sit right with me to call this a punishment. This hard part of it is the lesson; the other parts are the punishment. If I am going to reinforce something I need to be sure that I am reinforcing the right thing.
Lots of dominant types - and especially the ones in SL - fail to make the connection that Mistress does. The connection between the sin and the lesson to be learned. It is in fashion, so to speak, to just beat the bad behavior out of someone of make a spectacle of the person with no regard to making the point that there has to be something linking the punishment to the wrong that was done. Mistress knows this and does it to a T.
Once I am finished with this I am sure I will be closer to who and what Mistress expects and deserves me to be but I will feel like I got away with something, even though a lesson was learned. I guess that is why she is in charge and I am SO not in charge.
I am desperately tired.

The gackty mind wanders

I know Mistress is upset with me and I am preparing myself for the worst. I keep wondering what she has in store and I know that no matter what I guess, I'll probably be wrong.

I had the idea this morning that THIS is what she has in store - just keeping me waiting and wondering. She wasn't on last night and so far hasn't been here today. This is worse than other things might be because I can't help but wonder at all the unreasonable things that pop in to my mind. Then I wonder how unreasonable they are.

Will she just leave me wondering all week? All month? I feel like a little kid worrying about a monster in the closet. I know it's not there but I am just as sure that it might be.

Did some waiting

At first I was waiting for Mistress. When she never logged on and I left for bed, the time I spent waiting changed; I was waiting for my sentence. Mistress is not pleased at my gackt up and I am sure I won't be pleased at the result.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I have to figure this out.

I have never been at such a loss as I am with Mistress sometimes. Just utterly at a loss at what she wants from me, even though she has told me before what she wants. Repeatedly.

I keep wanting this to be something I can master and once I have it, I can more or less set it on auto-pilot.

We were talking about hypno and what she could do for me and do to me using it. She mentioned a few things, some good and some bad - I mean good and bad in kind of an extreme sense. I completely missed it. She gave me an opportunity to react to something - she has been stressing this since we've been together - don't think, just react, listen to my heart.

[17:23] Jacquelin Mazi chuckles and nods: "very true lil gackty one.... oh but you are quite remiss in your duties... you are not reacting at all to this new-found information... I admit I am quite disappointed"

I read that line over and over just completely puzzled. I knew the information but what duties? I scoured my brain over and over and came up with nothing. Was I supposed to have done an essay? Lines? I was so confused.

My duty was to respond to what she said she could do. How did I feel about it? What were my emotions?

My mind has been locked onto the idea of trusting Mistress since we began the hyno experiments. That was all I could process when she brought it up just recently. She can do x, y, and z to me but I trust her. I felt like this was kind of an accomplishment for some reason. Before now, trust has been a given but now that it is really a crucial thing for us, I wanted to make sure that I didn't waver. I would trust her no matter what.

All well and good except that what she wants is my heart and emotion. She has had my trust but she wants my heart now. When she says I am withholding I get so exasperated. I know that she is right of course and not just because she is Mistress - she really is right. But I am not withholding from her consciously. The way I express emotion - my heart - is a matter of who I was as a girl and how I was raised and stifled. I am just now learning to peel away what my mom did to me and learn that I can feel what I want to. I WANT to love Mistress and so I do. I love her because I chose to, not because mom said I could.

Next on the list will be learning to be OK with expressing what I have learned that I feel. It is OK to feel it and it needs to be OK to share it.

The last time I did was the last time I talked to her. I took a stand with her (finally) and told her that I was going to marry Dave and that I picked him out and I love him and I am not sorry for it. I knew that when I was saying all that to her that there would be repercussions and I constantly deal with having made this very unfair trade. Why can't I have a mom who is happy for me at my wedding like everyone else? Why did me saying that I love Dave have to cost me so much?

That is part of why I keep things in. With Mistress there is more. When I am at my best with her I am in a constant struggle against a strong current. A swim and swim and just barely keep up with her. Barely but I do. When I get lazy, I fall back and she spots it in an instant. When she does I feel so much respect for her that I am nearly speechless. If she becomes frustrated - which nearly anyone would - I start to stress and think instead of looking in my heart. It is this deep, automatic mother proofing I have built up. I get defensive and immediately start to see ways to justify to myself why I am not wrong about whatever it is.

Mistress is so very patient with me, especially given what she knows and has done. That makes me feel love for her, an affectionate, almost parental love. Maybe like a student loves and respects a teacher, but deeper than that.

When I disappoint her I hate it. I hate what I've done and I hate how I couldn't see it and that I have to hurt her in order for her to help me see how dense I've been.

My 900th Linden

Vocabulary: (n.) A yard where dung is collected. D*N**A**
[9:46] You: dungyard
[9:46] Trivia: Yeeha! Emilee Gackt solved the trivia in 7 seconds and won L$1! (The answer was 'DUNGYARD')

Jan, Jan and more Jan.

We got about 90 minutes together. It's nice when that much time goes so fast. Wait... it's not nice that is DOES, it's nice that it can.

I won some more Lindens and am patiently waiting on Mistress' approval on one or more of a few possible purchases. If she says I can buy any of them, it's going to be like an addict getting another shot or snort or whatever they do. I'll be all sweaty as I am going into the store and then as I am waiting for SL to deliver the goods, I'll get all shaky and jittery and then once I get it, I'll make this pathetic groaning sound and slump down in a corner with a vacant look on my face, wondering when my next fit of shopping will take place. It won't matter though because I will be too high on my new pair of pants to really think much about it. All that matters is that I shopped.

Do I have a shopping problem? No. Definitely not.

I must confess though that I find myself mildly irked that Mistress asked me to help Dina - our frequently disappearing new friend - with her clothes but doesn't trust me enough to let me buy my own things unless she approves first.

Oh well. Fill in the blanks: Sometimes it _____ to be a _____.

Now the easy version: Someti_es it suck_ to be a sl_ve.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Another day at the (SL) office.

I won another 50 or so Lindens - I am at just over $800 now - and went looking for some pants. I have in my head that life will be better for me if I can find some nice pants that aren't so low cut that I can wear underwear with them.

Is that too much to ask?
Jan and I met Satan at Hell Bop. He was kind of nice but seemed a little unsure of himself and not at all squared away on theology. Very ambitious too. He said something about already owning everyone's souls. You GO Beezlebub!

Jan is so kind to let me win every word while we are together. She knows I am on an allowance so to speak so she lets me just clean up at Scramble while we are together.

I haven't spotted her in the wild yet, but Bekkers is now loose and roaming SL. She was given a few conditions to meet before she was released from the cage she had been in and apparently satisfied her requirements.

Mistress did another hypnotism experiment with me tonight. Very odd feeling! It was very curious how she brought it up. She said she was going to 'use' me tonight.

I can picture the words she typed and I can kind of remember what I was feeling during the entire time. I remember having to scratch an itch once or twice and then seeing words like 'let it go' or 'the conscious mind doesn't matter.' I just decided not to scratch. Strange that I remember that.

I remember it mostly in images. I can picture the words she typed and the monitor but I don't have a good recollection of what she typed, other than very generally. The only point in the whole time that I 'felt' anything was when she was waking me up. She counted from 5 to 1 and with each number it was like this tangible measure of alertness. It was so strange. I feel like saying that I need to let my brain process all of it but I am sure the images will only get more cloudy with time.

I have no idea why I feel that way. Weird with a capital question mark!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I was in Hell Bop, just minding my own business, when...

[13:24] fred Canning: hello
[13:25] Emilee Gackt: Hi Fred.
[13:25] fred Canning: i am fred biner of ladies
[13:25] fred Canning: binder
[13:25] Emilee Gackt: Your last name is Binder, not Canning?
[13:26] fred Canning: no i am binder of ladies you know bondage in rl or sl
[13:26] Emilee Gackt: Got it.
[13:26] Emilee Gackt: Are you looking for someone ot bind?
[13:26] Emilee Gackt: *to
[13:27] fred Canning: you know hogtied?
[13:27] Emilee Gackt nods.
[13:27] Emilee Gackt: I am owned and Mistress doesn't allow me to 'play' with others.
[13:28] fred Canning: you wear sock in rl
[13:29] Emilee Gackt: Fred, asking a question like that might give someone the impression that you are less than a gentleman.
[13:30] Emilee Gackt: May I ask how you got my name?
[13:31] fred Canning: from group submissive slut
[13:32] fred Canning: have you clogs shoes
[13:32] Emilee Gackt: I've looked at your groups Fred and I don't see any that we have in common and I am certainly not in the group you mentioned. Are you sure you see my name on the list?
[13:33] fred Canning: not sure - and for socks ?
[13:34] Emilee Gackt: Fred, please stop asking me questions about shoes and socks.
[13:35] fred Canning: i ask that because i like hogtied girl losing shoes
[13:35] fred Canning: loosing
[13:35] Emilee Gackt: Can you check your groups once more Fred? There must be some other group we are in.
[13:36] fred Canning: ok but i just want you try my rl gag
[13:37] Emilee Gackt: You are very close to being muted Fred. May I suggest that the next time you approach someone that you use a bit a tact and perhaps even good manners? You might be pleasantly surprised.
[13:38] fred Canning: ? bye and thanks
[13:38] Emilee Gackt: Have fun Fred.

He sent another IM, more pervy than all this but I'll spare you. He was of course, muted.

Creepy people 2 days in a row. They make me feel much better about myself, not that I am in need of a boost in self-image or anything. Sometimes you are just reminded of how fortunate you are by the plight of others. Fred's plight is his own doing which is kind of sad. Oh well.

Won a few more $Ls

I'm not sure what to call what I did tonight. Was I waiting for Mistress and/or Jan? Or was I just getting paid to de-scramble letters?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Well isn't this nice?

[17:05] Adamburp Adamczyk: your profile makes you aound kind WEIRD
[17:05] Emilee Gackt looks at your group tag and nods.
[17:06] Adamburp Adamczyk: :))

He (?) was dressed as Wonder Woman and has a group tag that said something like Wonder Tranny or some such. People like this set everything back a hundred years.

[17:49] Gogomodo Trivia for Second Life whispers: Sci-Fi, Horror, & Fantasy: In what year was Anne Rice's novel "Interview with a Vampire" first published? Answer: ****
[17:49] Gogomodo Trivia for Second Life whispers: Sci-Fi, Horror, & Fantasy: In what year was Anne Rice's novel "Interview with a Vampire" first published? Clue #1: 1***
[17:50] You: 1985
[17:50] You: 1984
[17:50] You: 1983
[17:50] You: 1982
[17:50] You: 1981
[17:50] You: 1986
[17:50] You: 1987
[17:50] You: 1988
[17:50] Gogomodo Trivia for Second Life whispers: Sci-Fi, Horror, & Fantasy: In what year was Anne Rice's novel "Interview with a Vampire" first published? Clue #2: 1*7*
[17:50] You: 1989
[17:50] You: 1970
[17:50] You: 1979
[17:50] You: 1978
[17:50] You: 1977
[17:50] You: 1976
[17:50] Gogomodo Trivia for Second Life whispers: Emilee Gackt got the answer correctly![17:50] Gogomodo Trivia for Second Life whispers: Language & WordWise: Definition: One who loves cats. Answer: ***********
[17:50] You: grandmother
[17:50] You: catlady

$76L earned today in about an hour. Not too bad.

What if I had gotten this one wrong?

[0:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: SIUVBEIYSMSL - to allow another person or group to have power or authority over you, or to accept something unwillingly:
[0:22] You: submissively
[0:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 15 seconds.
[0:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'submissively'.

I shudder to think!

An abbreviated conversation between Mistress and me:

[1:10] Jacquelin Mazi: do you believe it concerns me how much you are suffering?
[1:11] Emilee Gackt: I'm not sure Mistress.
[1:11] Emilee Gackt: Am I still just a slave to you?
[1:13] Jacquelin Mazi: Beyond simple basic existence, I am not so concerned about your suffering as long as you are obeying me

I blogged about Mistress' ability to be so consistent a week or so ago. This is what I was talking about. She is unswerving in her treatment of me no matter how I perceive things between us. I'm not sure anyone else would have that ability.

[1:14] Emilee Gackt: Yes Mistress. I guess I am glad that you said that.

I am glad because (as odd as this might sound) it is like taking a vitamin or working out. I will be stronger in the long run and know myself better and be better able to please Mistress.

[1:15] Jacquelin Mazi: "Listen lil gackty one.... IF you should suffer at the hands of another, be it RL or SL..... I will become VERY upset and VERY concerned..... BUT... if you are suffering and struggling to please and serve me.... *shrugs*.... I have a plan...... I have my reasons.... and your purpose is to endure for ME.... is that clear?"

This is a big part of what is so fascinating to me about this relationship. There is concern and care and at the same time, she will intentionally let me suffer as long as it is for her. It is a wonderful contrast - like sweet and salty together.

[1:19] Jacquelin Mazi smiles placing a hand gently on your heart as she speaks: "It hurts as much as it arouses you hm?" *smiles*

How does she know? What else does she know about me that I haven't realized myself?

We were with Dina for a time tonight as well. She is having a tough time because she is not a native English speaker. And I thought I had a tough time when I was new with Mistress. Sheesh. Dina is slowly becoming a pet project. Hmm... I am going to try to help her find an SL job... so should I get a percent of her SL pay?

Thursday, October 2, 2008


I saw Jan again tonight. We just hung out and did some Scramble and eventually she asked me about the hypno session with Mistress. Having some time to let it sink in didn't really change anything. I borrowed an analogy from Mistress when I described it to Jan:

[23:48] Jaan Dubrovna: you have hypnotized me
[23:48] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[23:48] Jaan Dubrovna: Hey, you will have to tell be about that
[23:49] Jaan Dubrovna: That sounded fascinating
[23:49] Emilee Gackt: It is Jan.
[23:49] Emilee Gackt: Very odd.
[23:49] Jaan Dubrovna: It really works?
[23:49] Emilee Gackt: Have you ever been driving home at night and kind of just go on autopilot?
[23:50] Jaan Dubrovna: sure
[23:50] Emilee Gackt: Like you're still driving but you kind of just went through the motions of it?
[23:50] Emilee Gackt: That's what this was like.
[23:50] Jaan Dubrovna: This is interesting
[23:50] Emilee Gackt: It was just kind of happening TO me instead of me participating in it.

It really is very exciting for a few reasons. Wondering if it will really work, wondering how Mistress will use it, the newness of it... all very thrilling to me. The one thing that has changed I suppose is my eagerness to try it some more. I get so worked up sometimes.

Mistress came on a little after Jan left and we talked for a bit. She had been helping some friends and I was again touched by her patience and compassion. Her friends are very lucky to have her, as am I. I'm also lucky to have Jan. It would be a very boring SL without the two of you.

Thank you both.

Mistress let me buy an outfit! Woohoo! And damn! It makes my butt look hot!

Scramble strategies

[17:20] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: RYBSDIH - a plant or animal that has been produced from two different types of plant or animal, especially to get better characteristics, or anything that is a mixture of two very different things:
[17:20] Cooper Washborne: hibread
[17:20] You: hybrids
[17:20] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 24 seconds.
[17:20] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'hybrids'.

Scramble strategy tip #1: Don't add letters

[17:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: MOCENIENPETC - lack of ability or skill to do something successfully or as it should be done:
[17:22] You: incompetence
[17:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 25 seconds.
[17:22] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'incompetence'.

Kind of ironic that this followed Mr. 'hibread.'

Hi Bread, how are you?
Oh god I feel terrible. I went through the slicer this morning.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


I talked with Dina today. I tried to share with her a little of what I have learned about thinking, not thinking, acting and reacting. I kept getting more and more frustrated with myself that I couldn't articulate it for her.

Now that I have had a few hours to ponder things, I am realizing something else. I was expecting too much from myself and too much from Dina. It took me months to get where I am in understanding what Mistress wants from me. I was trying to teach all of that to Dina in just a few minutes and I was expecting her to get it. That was very unrealistic of me and my impatience for her not getting it was unfair.

Chairs for $10L

A long LONG time ago I blogged about finding some chairs for $10L each and thought I had managed the crime of the century. Nope:

I got my money's worth on these chairs and it figures that they are no modify. This pose works well enough for me but it isn't quite appropriate for a guest, let alone Mistress.

Re: My blog

I wrote half this post and tried to paste it into Word and lost the whole thing. Gackty is not amused. Here is my second attempt.

Mistress: “Your blog is for ME to see your feelings and reactions to things we do and say... AND to other things you do and say when I am not here”

I hate that I need reminders sometimes and I know that Mistress does too. Some of what she wants me to blog is private, between Mistress and I and it is hard to make things that are so meaningful fit into a public facing blog.

I like it when I see something that I have finally gotten into my head make sense. One of the things that Mistress does is to give people writing assignments, usually 500 words. Most people are so put off by it, like it is just insurmountable and hopeless but that is where not thinking is so important. The more you try to think of what to write, the less words will come. If you just write, the words flow like wine.

That was a beautiful sentence wasn’t it? I believe I’ll say that again.

The words flow like wine.

Jan was online but so was Mistress. Jan was, as usual, understanding about things and logged off but the fact that she got up at 3 am just to see me is amazing. I am sure that I could count friends as dear as she is on one finger.

I watched Mistress and bekkers some more tonight. It is interesting to see her slowly crumbling and how powerful a dangling carrot can be.

Mistress and I did our first hypno-experiment tonight. It is strange how that works and how powerful a simple suggestion can be. The whole time I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt such care and trust from Mistress. Odd that I didn’t really process how much I trust her until it was over. It seems like it worked, by the way.

I am always so happy when I find that people enjoy who I am. I feel so giddy almost every time I read Jan’s blog. Tonight Mistress made me feel the same way. She was very Mistressy about it of course but I was deeply touched.

We heard from Dina finally tonight. I have to confess that I had her on my mind when I wrote that bit above about the writing assignments. She is struggling to get to 500 and she has been working for over a week. 500 words is only a page. I don’t know what the essay was supposed to be about but it is a simple process. If it about Mistress, start with her. How do you see her, how do you want to be seen by her? How have you been viewed by others? What do you hope to get from a relationship with her? How will you know when you get there? I could go on and on. It is in the heart, not the head. It takes some time to retrain your pen not to listen to the brain and start listening to the heart.

505 words in about 15 minutes. See Dina? Unplug your brain and listen to your emotions. It’s easy.