Friday, June 27, 2008
I bought a few demos and when I found a few that I liked I felt oddly odd about just plunking down some Lindens like I've been doing for so long. It's not my head anymore is it? It belongs to Mistress.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
As this girl came unraveled I just watched Mistress and (this sounds so corny) bubbled with pride. This smart, well-spoken, direct, determined Mistress peeled away layer after layer of this creature and the girl was just oblivious. It was a joy to watch Mistress predict and decipher this girl’s (that sounded so Gorean – not ME – I mean this girl who appeared on the porch) story and I was nearly giddy that even though Mistress has seen my worst, she kept me.
I felt that so strongly all night. Giddy happiness. It is as if I finally found what SL had for me.
I got my dog collar today. It is the kind you use to shock a dog for bad behavior. Mistress used it on me. A few times because I was stupid and few times because she loves me. It hurt bitterly. ‘I think.’ Zap. Blinding pain and tiny, reflexive breaths. ‘I think.’ Zap. The same. ‘I think.’ Zap. The same, this time with tears. How odd that I knew hiw it would hurt and with each jolt I felt her care and love and help. She was so tender.
Gor is so far away and so long ago. Mistress asked me to serve her a drink and it was as if I never got any Gor training at all. All the emoting Rachelle did for me just vanished and I did this lame, newbie serve. I am not to think and I keep thinking that if I were allowed to think I’d think of the things I’ve been taught, which is not to think.
Mistress is a patient, patient woman and I am a lucky, lucky one.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
My goodness I drank a lot of water today! There isn't really a very comfortable period when I am in SL with this rule. Actually the first hour or so isn't too bad. After that I am constantly uncomfortable and I have myself to blame or thank.
What a place SL is. The people you meet and the world they create there for themselves is just astounding to me. In SL people can be whatever they want; the anonymity should make it easy to overcome whatever insecurities you have in RL and yet there are people who are nearly crippled by shyness and paranoia and who knows what else? Kind of sad really. Oh well...
I heard from a an old friend today. Actually a Mistress I had served. She told me about a hypnosis website and was convinced that it works. I immediately thought that it might be helpful to me but then wondered how Mistress would feel. Would she see it as a tool or as sort of an impostor?
Not much else happened today even though I spent so much time online.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I'm not sure I'll ever learn not to think. The new thing is to use common sense; I thought I was among the most sensible in SL. I am grateful to Mistress for pointing it out that I am not. These late nights are so... late. And I have to write the blog entry for that day AFTER I log out from SL. I joined a few groups (2 actually as I remember) devoted to helping new people in SL. I got an anonymous IM from someone in one of the groups (no idea which one) just asking if she could join me. How sad I felt for her. She said that up until then nearly everything she had done in SL had been by herself. I had loads of advice for her and it was hard for me to take that I might have been a bit forceful with it. It's hard because it's how I've been doing things for so long in SL. Anyway, as I remember it, I added three people to my friends list today. It's starting to be like it used to be again, or at least as much as it can be. I have missed being so helpful and appreciated and liked.
I posted this last night and in true flaky gackty form, I forgot something rather important. Mistress asked me what my aching desire is. I never know if that's a loaded question or if it is simply a face-value question. Is she going fishing or just wanting to reward the gackty one?
So she asked and I answered that I was frustrated over something and given time to sleep on it, that has become just a 'sucks to be a slave' type of problem. What I really longed for was just some time being cared for and loved, softly and tenderly for just a few minutes.
Now that I've slept on THAT, it seems to me that I've been terribly spoiled up until now. In the 18 months or so that I've been in SL I've always gotten what I wanted; I either went and got it or it was just given to me. So... now there's a quandary I'm in. I don't want to be known as a spoiled slave and don't want to think of myself that way and I still want what I want. Is it slave-like to be strong and live without? Or should I keep longing and hoping for the things I want? Now that I've typed all that it seems that doing both is also an option.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
It would have been an embarassing conversation to have to explain why I had just informed Mistress that I've just had my water. I'm glad of two things:
1. That my IMs were blocked.
2. That to my knowledge, only Mistress and one other person ever reads this blog.
I'm sitting here at the Ranch reading profiles. I've approached 3 or 4 (maybe it's not even that many) people in main chat and tried to have a conversation. Talking in chat is so stifling for me and apparently for others too. I'm beginning to feel lonely for the first time.
I had a nice conversation with a new person earlier tonight. He seemed to be either shy or vanilla or perhaps just lying (his born-on date was 12/07 but he said that he had just figured out SL). If he really was new that might be why he wasn't put off by speaking in chat - he just didn't know better. I can't remember ever paying attention to the chat box when I was in a place like the Ranch and now it is all I look at.
This is frustrating. I feel lonely and want to do something about it but I don't want to look like an idiot in chat. Am I being too prideful for a slave? The only other conversation I had was with someone who was in Port Kar; our chat was terse at best.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Mistress: do you recall me asking before I collared you... to explain all you felt during our time together for the day? the good and the bad? every moment of everything? I expressed it all as 'opening the book of gackt' and reading from it..... to see your heart completely and not have you hide anything.... it was always before I dismissed you for the night after spending time together
This was the idea of the blog from the very start and I've been a bit spotty in meeting this requirement. It is to be a daily journal of my feelings. So... here are today's feelings:
I've been struggling with emoting things. How would I feel if I were zapped over and over and over? How would I express that feeling? What would happen if Mistress put a chocolate on my tongue and then didn't give me permission to eat it?
I had the idea a few days ago and shared it with a friend and she seemed to think that it was not completely insane to enhance SL by adding to RL. So I've ordered a shock collar (two days ago) and when Mistress put a chocolate on my tongue today, I did the same thing in RL. It was very helpful and I never would have realized the sensations and stresses that that creates.
She spent a good bit of today explaining a few things - perhaps obvious to some but very useful to me. I am grateful to her for doing that. I have been realizing that I've been self-centered (see yesterday's blog) and her help with this was very timely.
To express this will possibly lead to unclear motives or will appear that I am sucking up. Oh well. One of the changes I've noticed in myself is that I am more sincere so appearances be damned. I am saying what I am going to say regardless of how it is received.
I am grateful for Mistress' help and I am eager for her to be pleased with me, not because of how it makes me feel but because it pleases her. It is important to me that she be happy, regardless of anything else. If it makes her happy that I suffer or am frustrated or uncomfortable, then so be it. I will suffer or be frustrated or uncomfortable to please her. The help she gave me today will help me help her be happier in SL and enjoy it more.
The friend I mentioned earlier said something to me that I thought about again today after I logged out. She said to be careful what you wish for. It occurred to me that the things I like in SL are like waves; they come and go and have a peak. So like it or not I've gotten myself into a position where I need to be diapered in RL whenever I am logged into SL, which I've mentioned before. The new twist and the new worry (?) is what will happen when diapering isn't really a fetish any more? In the past, when I grew weary of something, I'd just move on. Gor, ponytraining, etc. I decided I was done with it and would move on. Having this Mistress and having her be so 'real' is utterly exciting and a bit worrisome. I'm not sure if she's indulged me or if she knew where this would all lead. I'm not at that point yet - not even close - but it did occur to me.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Mistress: suffer for me
Mistress: because I enjoy it
Mistress: there is no other reason
Mistress: you are here to please ME
Emilee Gackt looks up.
Mistress: it is difficult
Mistress: very painful sometimes
Mistress: very frustrating
Mistress: but you endure
Mistress: because in the end
Mistress: you make me SO proud!
Mistress: thats what I want
Mistress: make me proud gackty one
Mistress: show me how strong you really are
These are the things I need to focus on. I'll figure everything out sooner or later but for now... I'm so glad that this was a good day with Mistress.
And I so hope that she doesn't think this is too intimate to put here.
And what was the third option?!?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I keep logging in waiting to see Mistress and she keeps not being there and my fertile mind makes more of it than it probably is.
She told me to login and wait for her and that stalking the website for her was no longer allowed. Or did she say trolling? Anyway, the stalking and trolling has stopped and I've logged on at every available moment. I'm still feeling a lot of shame that I ever made such a big deal about using the restroom... and such. Earlier today and yesterday when I logged in and waited for her I had even put on a diaper as she has told me to do.
So I sat here a few hours this morning... actually more like two I suppose and the man came to fix cable TV and then found some problem with the Internet coming into the house and he was here for about an hour. I thought it would be a much quicker fix than all that he had to do and so by the time he left, the diaper I was wearing had become quite uncomfortable. It was hot and itchy and sweaty but I kept waiting for Mistress and didn't want to have to tell her that I wasn't wearing one.
You can't really get at an itch through a diaper and the plastic on the outside makes them hotter > sweatier > itchier. No wonder babies cry so much.
I promised myself that I'd never bring this up again and here I am... blogging the heck out of it. Anyway...
I'm picturing Mistress intentionally not logging in, knowing that I'm sitting here waiting for her. I'm not entirely sure if she gets how I feel about the whole diaper dilemma. It was a fun, tender diversion at one point in my SL past and now it's just shameful, in more ways than one. I've tried to talk her out of it and what I wanted to say came out not quite how I meant it to. I tried to tell her that I never should have brought it up and that I manipulated her into it. She assured me otherwise and it occurred to me that the more I bring it up and the more attention I give to it the more permanent it is likely to become.
How easy it must be to misread my intentions with this post. This whole thing is just shameful and it is an odd thing being so slavey that I find myself baring all this on the Internet. Oh well... no one really uses the Internet much do they?
I can't believe I'm about to post this.
This post didn't turn out to be about what I thought it would be. I was originally wondering what Mistress was up to when she told me to log in and wait for her. Is she testing me to see how long I'll wait? Is she seeing if I'll follow her rules?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
After Gor it was mostly cuffs and gags and such. Not really many poseballs as I recall. Next to none really. Some emotes and lots of attachments.
These days everything is different. I have one permanent attachment and for the past few weeks haven't used any others. Last night I never left my knees and never moved and did more and learned more and experienced more that I have in all the time I've been in SL.
I might be exaggerating a bit since last night is so fresh in my mind and then again I might not be.
Monday, June 16, 2008
For my entire childhood I'd seek her approval and usually not get it. I went from 4 years old straight to adulthood because I always felt such pressure to make a mature, responsible decision. I picked the wrong career, the wrong husband, the wrong car, the wrong education and on and on... everything I've done is wrong (according to mom that is).
The counselor I've been seeing said that it is a displaced locus of control. My want for approval was natural and never having gotten it left it unrequited in a way. It's perfectly natural for a child to be guided by a parent and have her decisions made for her. Mom screwed that up by expecting to be able to ALWAYS make my decisions and to condemn as wrong any decisions I made that weren't hers. I didn't rebel at first; I just wanted her approval. When I was younger I let her decide everything - what I should like, what I should eat, how I should dress - everything.
The problem with that turned out to be that even with me doing all that she tried to program me to do, I still wasn't good enough. I didn't realize it at first but my gradual reaction was to learn to live without approval. I'd just do as she said for as long as it took for me to move out. I started college when I was 16 and moved out at 17 and I started my adulthood never really having had a childhood.
When I got my first real job and went and bought my own car - a brand new red Honda Civic with stripes and a fin - she said 'Tell me you didn't buy that thing.' She disapproved of where I worked, what I did, where I went, who I went with, the church I went to - everything that she could disapprove of, she did disapprove of.
It occurred to me that maybe I am in SL looking for what I am looking for because it has been easy (or at the very least, easier) for me to find approval. In Gor I was everyone's special princess. Since then, every deep relationship I've had has been all about me. I've let myself be catered to and just sat back and been adored. Meeting and knowing Mistress has rocked that boat quite severely.
Who knows what any of this means? I'm probably making more of it than it's worth.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I look forward to every moment with Mistress. There is mystique and challenge and genuine caring emotion in being with her.
We reviewed my list of wants and arrived at a pretty good agreement over all but one of them. That one was a big one and oddly has gotten bigger as I have had time to consider it. It was at the top of my list but not intentionally. It was the first one I thought of but does that make it the most important? Anyway... it had to do with all the things I've done in SL and enjoyed. That will all change with this Mistress and I keep having conflicting thoughts about it.
I am wondering what will grow up into the space where all my old SL habits and pleasures used to be and I am all of a sudden wondering once again if Mistress was worth all this sacrifice. So far I'd say yes but honestly, so far we're still on the honeymoon. What I have shared with Mistress is so far from all the guilty pleasures I've indulged myself with in the past year-and-a-half.
Friday, June 13, 2008
With the last Mistress I had, I made a pastime out of testing her and stretching her rules. With her there were patterns; she'd clamp down and be quite strict and then I'd start in again with my constant wheedling and thing would get looser until she'd clamp down again.
It's nothing like that with this Mistress. She has amazing powers of perception. Just astonishing.
I am troubled that it takes getting caught for me to honest with her. I think it is because I am still scared of her in a way. I've never dealt with the real thing before and it's been hard for me to relax and let myself be me. It's shameful that I'm not sure if I'd be honest with her if she didn't have her magical Mistress powers. Probably I would not; I hadn't been with any of the people I knew on all those other accounts.
And for some reason she actually likes me.
It's strange how my feelings are shifting. I still crave my times with Mistress and it's change some; there is a bit of dread mingled with everything else I've been feeling - curiosity, excitement, humility, shame, fear... I feel different things on different days.
I'm carrying all that into this move. I'm excited about it and all of a sudden I'm feeling some dread. Not reluctance or hesitation. Just dread. I have no doubt that I'll have some trying challenges in that house and I'm looking forward to them and dreading them. Mostly looking forward at this point. For now.
It's kind of like that now; I didn't see Mistress yesterday and all I did in SL was buy the new house and send a notecard to the owner asking for a snowflake effect to be turned off or moved; it's snowing in one corner of the upper room. I asked Mistress if she would allow me the ability to send and receive IMs so that the landlord could send me (and Mistress) an invitation for the land group. She did but so far I haven't heard from the landlord.
I waited for Mistress for a a few hours; she never logged on and my instinct tells me that somehow leaving without seeing her is something I'm going to regret. My instinct is also telling me that my instincts are wrong as often as they are correct. Probably more in fact.
I'm getting to miss logging in and hearing that IM chime telling me that I have an IM waiting for me.
So now that I've said what a boring day I had in SL yesterday, I'm sure today will be memorable for one reason or another.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
"It's never as bad as you fear or as good as you hope."
I'm sure that's not an exact quote but the point of it is clear.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
My goodness it's hard to find a house in SL. They're all either so alike or so primmy! Modern with a great room and a loft or 400+ prims. I think the best way to go is to find a prefabbed house on an existing lot.
I spent another day with Mistress trying to get everything just so and didn't think (or even say it) once. It was odd to me that she was being so meticulous about something that can be changed so readily but who am I to question why? It became clear last night during a visit to Jina. When I first saw her she reminded me of my Banishment processor and when she started using words like 'process' I was quite apprehensive.
I suppose much worse things could have happened; she (somehow) made the brand Mistress gave me a permanent part of my skin - not just a layer of clothing but a permanent part of the skin. The brand of course is a whole 'nuther story.
If I was the Mistress I'm not sure how I'd go about branding a slave. I could tell her when and where and let her fret about it for days or I could do like Mistress did and just have it be a surprise. It was quite a surprise. I had no idea that it was coming and when we had finished with Jina, all these pieces seemed to fall into place; Mistress has a plan and I have no clue what's coming next.
It's a tricky thing about having a brand or being branded. It's so much more personal than just a collar. It's an excruciating, humiliating process and a demeaning thing to have to wear and now it's permanent. If she had asked if I'd be branded I'd have said yes (and meant it) and it would still have been everything I just described; the fact that she didn't ask just makes it more so.
She showed me how my new chastity belt works today. It's odd not knowing what she'll change or lock onto me from one day to the next and of course she knows that and knows that it will keep me in a constant state of minor upheaval. Anyway, the belt is permanent apparently and is more than just effective. It's a portable little punishment machine. I'm sure she'll get lots of enjoyment from it.
It's funny (not funny haha, but more like funny ironic) how the things you 'ask' for come back to haunt you. I put a 5 next to chastity belts on a list of preferences I had given Mistress. I liked the idea of something that intimate being so thoroughly controlled. Not only is it controlled but it is used as a torment. I have to confess (now that I've had time to think on it) that all this diaper business was really a request. I am beginning to miss the tenderness of people who are gone now and I think that this was an attempt to replace them. It started out innocently but soon evolved into me trying to sneak something in and now it's just an utter embarrassment. Sadly, it seems likely that I'll probably do the same thing to her again and she'll let me and I'll regret that too.
So my face has been changed (to HER preferences, not mine), my skin has been permanently branded and to 'help it heal' she's locked me in big capsule, which means of course that I can't even see the new me and I’m locked in until she comes back., at which point I’ll probably be locked in some more.
Another odd thing occurred to me. This woman treats me horribly, welds a collar to my neck, brands me like an animal, mocks me, embarrasses me in front of crowds of strangers and so on and when I am not with her, I absolutely crave more time with her.
Monday, June 9, 2008
One of my IMs in that span of time was to rachelle, so not too big a deal; she gets it and offered to TP me. The other IM was a response to a group IM. It wasn't a D/s group or even a small group. I sent an IM to the group 'Obama for President' and they all (probably all 922 of them) got an IM saying that mine was blocked by my viewer. Then they all started talking and laughing about it in the group IM and all I could do was just sit and watch. I eventually closed the IM and left the group.
I was so careful when I was bane; I wonder why this is so much more difficult for me. This seems like a much less drastic condition than being a bane and the punishments are less severe but it still seems that I should use the same caution and care,
I spent that entire two hours with rachelle. I never know if I should capitalize her 'R.' I should at least pick something and go with it instead of being so inconsistent. Anyway, she becomes a more valuable friend every time I meet her. She is always so full of advice and tips that I'm sure would have taken me forever to figure out. What a mercy it is that I have her!
It seemed annoying at first and now that I'm actually writing, I'm realizing something about this. Even when Mistress is not here, this blog is a link between us and a subtle form of domination. On our 'days off' (so to speak) I am still required to give her my thoughts and efforts. That makes this quite more than just a blog.
I spent Sunday in SL mostly looking for a house. Mistress would like 3 rooms with not a lot of prims. I found some that were charming - beachfront style homes with the right amount of space and rooms. Not too expensive as I remember - $1000L or some such. And they were only 500 and 600 prims each! Ack! I'm just boggled. Why would anyone buy a house with that many prims? I looked at other houses that were a tenth that primmy and just as nice to look at. The space in those just wasn't quite right, so the search goes on.
We have a nice enough plot of land in mind. It's now just a matter of putting a house on it.
I did a bit more inventory organizing. Keeping the Trash emptied is becoming a challenge to remember. Every random note or picture I get decline ends up in the Trash so I need to remember to empty it daily.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I've never felt more sure that I'd have no regrets about something; this Mistress is different from the others I've known. Vastly different. I have regrets about a few things with her so far, but not about being permanently collared. That is just entirely thrilling.
I was going to end this post with that last paragraph and I realized that if I leave that 'I have a few regrets' comment as it is, I will only be given an essay to clarify it so i might as well clear it up now.
I regret not having been entirely honest with Mistress from the start. Everyone has secrets and I had mine, but mine were potentially hurtful. I am grateful that she showed me that and even more grateful that she kept me in spite of that. I regret that I ever brought up the problem of needing to go the bathroom while I am online; it's something that I should have been more discreet about and not forced as an issue and I feel ashamed that (now that I've given it some thought) I mentioned it with less than pure motives. I was trying to wheedle her into taking more control over me and I was out of place.
Friday, June 6, 2008
She made me dance and I was awful and helped me and I thought I wasn't too bad, kind of all of a sudden. I still hated it though and I'm not sure why.
She treated me like an animal tonight and made me beg to have her collar welded on - permanently. And I did - earnestly.
I'm so sleepy...
I'm picturing her waiting for me to login last night, not mad really but more calculating what my punishment would be. And today I am picturing her intentionally avoiding SL to deprive me of time with her.
Probably I'm thinking too much and probably I've created a precedent with this post but it did occur to me. It would have been polite for me to have at least sent an email.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I had to ask her for my own money back to buy the dances. How odd that felt; almost childish.
She asked to see some of the silks and I tried on the first set, the red ones. After I put them on (or was it before?) I reminded Mistress that I needed to use the restroom (I had told her once prior to that). She declined to let me go, saying ‘We’re doing something.”
She then asked to see me dance and I start one of the animations that I bought. Zapped. I finally figured out that I needed to have been emoting, so I emoted. Zapped. I made the emotes more intimate (not sexually intimate – just more persona – more like I was picturing myself in front of her). No zaps, but just barely. All that time and typing and thought and emotion and she said I danced like a bloated yak. I suppose that in a way I was a bit bloated; at this point I had still not used the bathroom. When I originally asked her to go, I had waited until I needed to go rather badly. This was based on a prior conversation we had on the subject.
The fact that I even asked at all was based on a rule that a Master in Gor had. We always had to ask before going AFK; he’d always say yes, but we always had to ask. I suppose it is also due to not wanting to be in the bathroom when Mistress might be awaiting an answer to a question.
My assignment isn’t an essay at least but my vision of the future just got a little grim; I hated dancing in Gor and luckily only had to do it twice. Now that she has read this I’ll no doubt be dancing and emoting until my fingers are cramped. I need to have it be more personal, more intimate and have it not take 6 minutes to type 4 lines of text.
Mistress finally allowed me to use the bathroom; she gave me 2 minutes and by this time it was quite painful. When I got back she asked to see the rest of the silks I had bought. I couldn’t take off the ones I was already wearing because Mistress had used a script to prevent me from removing my clothes. I told that I was still blocked from undressing and she replied that I was trying hard enough.
I tried again (how much effort can be put into a mouse click?) and when I still couldn’t do it, I was shocked to find myself crying. This was the third time I had cried about something she had me do but this one was just silly.
Just prior to getting so emotional I had asked Mistress how I should deal with having to go to the bathroom while I am online with her. She knew that a previous SL Mistress introduced me to wearing diapers and she knew that I had tried one on. Not on my avatar. Me, in the real world and as an adult. So there was the solution. I’m to be diapered when I login and when I login, I am to always use the RR Viewer unless approved by Mistress.
It’s surprising to me how indulgent I’ve become lately; how much SL I’ll let creep into my real world. For the first time since Gor (over a year I suppose), it occurred to me that I should think about some boundaries. Then it occurred to me that even if I set some lines that shouldn’t to be crossed, would my recent permissive mood keep on the right side of them?
I like to emote when I speak with people in SL. It's not a role play thing; to me it makes what people experience in SL a bit richer and moves things a few strides beyond the commonplace 'LOL' and 'How R U?' approach that so many people take. I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with 'LOL' per se; it's just that there are deeper, more emotive way to express yourself. Anyway...
When I am in a conversation with Mistress it seems like I start every sentence with
'/me nods' or '/me smiles.' I feel so illiterate typing '/me nods. "Yes Mistress." so many times in the same conversation; the same true for '/me smiles.'
The synonyms for nod just won't work either:
- acknowledge - this one is a maybe but isn't very conversational
- agree - this one has potential
- approve - Mistress would skin me if I gave my approval!
- acquiesce - see note on assent
- assent - same as approve
- bend (bend?)
- curtsy (Good but might be a bit cumbersome *rolls her eyes*)
- drift - another cause for a skinning
- drowse - ditto above
- genuflect - Ahah! Problem solved
- gesture - too vague
- sleep - skinned
I think for now I might just have to keep nodding; the synonyms for smile aren't much better:
Not much luck there either.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Of course by mentioning it here, there is no doubt that it will be used against me in a court of Mazi.
I'm taking advantage of your crash/computer problems to get almost caught up with my assignments. My inventory is nearly done and my chastity belt project is as done as I can make it while I hang out here, waiting. That only leaves the adjustiments I need to make to my appearance and the inventory photos but again... kinda hard to do at the moment.
I hope you get everything squared away with your computer. I can tell you use the heck out ot it.
I’ve been realizing the difference between thinking and responding instinctually. If you ask an awkward question and I stop and think about it, the answer will be quite different than if I give an immediate, gut response. It’s an ancient test-taking strategy to go with your first answer on a tough question because it will usually be correct; over thinking a question will lead to an unnecessarily complex (and probably wrong) answer. It’s like that with you.
If I just answer without thinking, you’ll get the raw, unadulterated me. If I think about the answer, you still get me but quite a different flavor of me. You get the calculating, reasoned, posturing me and not the naked, exposed me.
I realized this not all at once; it was sort of a process and after all the thought I’ve given it, I will be more than a little frustrated with myself if I’ve gotten it wrong.