Some days it just isn't meant to be...

i had nothing but trouble with SL today. Crashes, relogs and such and i even reloaded RLV and this is the thanks I get?

After one more try i got that message about my clothes still downloading. i am not sure my hair ever completely rezzed today. i had hair but it had turned prematurely (and hopefully temporarily) gray. Ah well, better luck next time, right?

With Mistress this morning

She had to leave quite abruptly but before She left she ungagged and unlocked me. She knows this i am sure but in a way i was disappointed to have Her release me. There is an odd closeness and dependence that she removed when She unlocked me.

Officially homeless

Mistress and i officially moved out of the house this past week so i've been looking for some nice laces for Mistress and i to meet. There are plenty of places to pick from but my 'requirements' (odd that a slave should go around requiring things) are:

• It should have relatively low traffic numbers (so there is low lag and a low horny newbie quotient)
• It shouldn't have too little traffic; having an encounter with a potential slave worthy of Mistress' time and attention wouldn't be a bad thing.
  
• It should be nice looking for Mistress and not have blaring neon signs and freebies everywhere.
• There needs to be somewhere to for Her to sit in a pose that isn't compromising or lacking in dignity.

i have few places landmarked but Mistress will need to approve them before i call any of them 'home.'

Mistress sent me a note of a very brief conversation She had with someone named Suzi Zaystev. Mistress had a quick chat with suzi and asked me to meet her. i've been unable to find her online and since i can't IM at the moment, i have two options:

• Keep hoping to catch suzi online, or...
• Send suzi a notecard.

Sending a notecard seems like the easiest thing to do and it also seems almost like cheating in a way. Mistress gagged me for a reason and passing notes is a loophole that evades Mistress' intent.

On the other hand, if i were gagged in RL there is nothing that would prevent me from scribbling a note to communicate. In fact i sent a brief note to Jan a few nights ago. That one seemed different somehow though. Jan was online and suzi hasn't been so with suzi it seems more legitimate.

suzi's profile says that she is for sale for $5000L and it seems like that is for real. How fearfully thrilling that must be. It looks like her owner has an SL business training and selling slaves. That is an entirely different level of existence than what i have been experiencing in SL. Mistress is harsh sometimes but on the rare occasions when i earn some of Her affection i feel cared for and truly bound to Her.

Being something for sale would be such a tenuous, worrisome way to have to live. Humiliating and belittling and all those things that SL slaves say they want but it seems to me like it would be a case of regretting what you wanted once you actually got it.

Mistress asked me to write about my feelings if i were bound in RL as i am in SL. She cuffed my legs but left my arms free and gagged me so tightly (there are levels of tightness that obscure your speech dending on how tight it is; loose = recognizable muttering, tight equals total gibberish) that i can't talk to anyone in chat and turned off my IMs.

She gave me a task and told me to write about my feelings. At first i tried to imagine how a slave would feel - frustrated, helpless and so on. About half way through it i realized that i was maybe imagining the wrong this. i started over and wrote about how *i* would feel. Again, all i have to go on is imagination but if it were me in RL having to do what i had to in SL, my most dominant (so to speak) feeling or emotion would be kind of a thrilled sense of adventure. Probably i will never know for sure.

i sometimes forget the obvious when Mistress gives me assignments and i hate that my mind gets so clouded with stress and ideas about what to write and how to put things that my attention get diverted from what She originally asked for. As an example, She put me in some Gorean silks when she cuffed me and when i wrote about my feelings, it never crept into my busy little mind to include that and my feelings about it having to work when i am only barely dressed.

For the record, i would feel a little of the thrill i mentioned before but mostly feel like i would have some indignation about it. Maybe this is telling about how far my RL is from my SL but all that i have to offer and THIS is what She has me doing? Parading around mostly naked while i pack boxes?

Of course that is probably Mistress' intent - for me to explore how that would feel. Again, it seems less than likely that i will ever know for sure.

About Mistress

Mistress had a short meeting with another potential and it ended too quickly. The poor girl didn't know what she walked away from.

Mistress is hard to be with and that very thing is what is most magnetic and captivating about Her. i am lucky that i sort of eased into a life with Mistress. i am not sure why it worked for us. In a way, i picked Her and She accepted me and things just clicked for us.

All the times that things have been miserable for me with Her, all the lines and essays and recently even tears (yes - tears from the emotionless emilee gackt!) have been obstacles for me. They have all gotten in the way of being with Her. If i could have managed to do as She asked and expected, who knows where i'd be now?

She is hard to be with perhaps but for me She has been totally addictive. All those miserable times have been worth it somehow and the thing that is the hardest to explain is that all those miserable times paved the way for even more miserable times.

Odd.

This slave that walked away from Mistress IM'd me tonight. She said 'hello Miss.' i sent her a note but i wonder what she wanted. i can't IM or chat at the moment so the note was my way of not ignoring her.

There is one other that Mistress told me about but i am still trying to catch her online.

The long and winding #RLV road

i sent an IM to the RLV group about how to access the #RLV folder in my inventory using my collar. After finally finding out what brand it is, people had a few suggestions:

• Use the RLV button in the menu (i don't have that button in the menu)
• Use the 'outfit' button (i won't see that until AFTER i get to the RLV menu

[6:29] Emilee Gackt: i don't have either of those buttons in the menu.
[6:30] lauren Zipper: then you have been locked out

When i was asked what brand the collar is, i checked it in my inventory. It is a i belong to Jacquelin Mazi model, so people said to go to edit to find the creator and go to his store to see if there is a help notecard available. Someone even sent me a LM to the store (Captive Elegance):


Bottom line: RLV is an impossible dream for me.

Lists

i sometimes go to a website where the guy who writes it just fills it with his top ten lists of whatever he happens to feel like ranking. The address is http://listverse.com and when i read it i always am amazed at the amount of work he must do to put it together. He is very opinionated sometimes and i wonder who is this guy to say that XYZ is the #1 thing of it's kind? But still, it is interesting to read through it sometimes, as much as it bugs me.

Mistress gave me a few lists today and i am sure that if she continues with her lists i will have a love hate thing with Hers too. i was glad to get everything all in one place from Her, free of my interpretations or permutations but they really forced me to look at my more unattractive side... the side of me that i make my SL family settle for.

Sorry everyone. You all deserve better.

i got a nice loooong list of things i need to get done and plenty of lines to do. Like an overflowing cornucopia of lines. It's like i am a complete line glutton.

i really do hate lines. they are boring and tedious and i can't be too creative with them so the challenge becomes typing each one a little differently. When i have to do gobs of them, my mind goes blank and i stare at the monitor, drooling sometimes.

'What am i doing again?'

'Oh right... lines.'

The thing is though... each line i type really is a link between me and Mistress. i stopped seeing these as a punishment long ago. They are just something that she makes me do now and as a punishment they aren't really proving to be a deterrent. They do keep me in my place though and keep Her at the top of my pointy little head.

She had me holding a mug of tea in one hand today. i was dismayed at how quickly it started to get heavier and heavier but the big challenge was typing one-handedly. That was actually dismaying also since it seemed like i typed more quickly and accurately with one hand than two.

i am about to type something i know i will regret. It would be interesting to test that theory somehow to see if that is possible. i can see it now, as i explain my new typing style at work:

'Oh i type this way now so i can hold a tea cup.'

[7:17] Jacquelin Mazi: I just watched you making tea and toast
[7:17] Jacquelin Mazi: it felt like I was reading instructions on cell phone operation
[7:17] Jacquelin Mazi: dull

My solution to the above dilemma? Try to find an emoting class somewhere in SL and learn (re-learn?) to invest some emotion in my emoting. Familiar challenge for me isn't it? Trouble adding emotion... being emotionless... emilee the stone.

The things you see in profiles in SL...

This would be worthy of Jay Leno (is he still on TV?) if it wasn't in SL:


That's right: Freebie dung.

i don't recall the name of it but Jan found some kind of gizmo that makes an avatar out of an RL photo. She'd always been so private about RL until now but She showed me Her new avatar and the pic it was based on and then the avatar of Her newly gotten husband. What an adorable couple!

i'm doing a bit of window shopping at Nyte N Day, looking for something to win myself $1000L and that will be appropriate for the property of the great Jacquelin Mazi. Dresses are out since She once said that skirts are not for slaves but that still leaves probably most of what they sell as options. my father-in-law would say 'It takes money to make money' and then cackle in that way he does when he laughs at his own jokes.

Close call

Mistress came to my rescue once again. i hope that i never appear to be less than totally grateful and blessed by Her. We had a bit of a drawn out conversation over the house concerning rent and prims and such and while we were trading emails, the house we've been in for probably over a year was actually up for rent. If someone had rented it out from under us... *shudders* Mistress would NOT have been pleased.

She and i have been the victim of bad timing lately. Bad timing and me being very busy with a lot of things in RL which at this point seem to have slowed a bit for me. i've been missing SL and Jan and especially Mistress. When i spend this much time away from Her, i feel loose somehow. Not really distant but it is fair to say that when i am with Her i feel closer to Her or course but also much more under Her thumb; much more controlled and less at liberty to do whatever i feel is right which, if i put it another way, means that i screw up less.

i can just imagine Her response to that: 'So you are blaming ME for your screwups?'

That is the last thing in the world i mean to say or even imply. She has a presence and a power that just make it so much easier to be good when i am with Her. It is one of Her strongest features. Actually... all of Her features are among Her strongest features.

World Wide Industries?

i get these random notecards about every week or so from World Wide Industries and until now i had just been deleting them. i finally opened one and the place seem legit but why in world are they sending them to me? i somehow got my name on their group list but there is no group even close to that in my picks.

i feel distant from Mistress lately and it is my fault. i either do the wrong thing or i do nothing and either way it seems like i make the wrong choice. i do love Her and my times with Her and to tell Her that lately seems dubious given how i have struggled to truly please her. i am smart and clever and am at a loss over what to do to try to 'lure' her into SL more often.

She'd be frustrated by that... She would say that if i wanted to please Her i would and could. Maybe i am more self-centered than i realize or maybe just more thick-headed. The times when i have managed to please Mistress have been truly satisfying but they have been mostly while She is here. As it is, i give Her very little motivation to even log in and so this cycle begins but how do i break it? What do i do to please her when She is rarely here?

All of a sudden for the last year

i got an IM from the landlord saying that we are 55 prims over our limit. This is odd because:

• We haven't made any additions to the house in months and...
• The counter outside the house says that we either have 16 still to use or that we are over by 22

i made a list of things that can go once we get to the point of reducing prims and unfortunately they are all the little things that make a house a home.

Still, i really don't trust Rain's number. It will be boring and tedious but it might be interesting to see what the prim count is if we do it manually and when i see 'we' i mean 'me.'