An unsolvable mystery

i am still a member of the land group from where the house was and i got this group notice tonight:

Someone in the group has left something in the winter kiosk. You may want to remove it before I find it.........
Thank you,
Rain

So the mystery is what it is. Actually there are a number of mysteries:

- What is the 'something' that was left
- If Rain hasn't found it, how does she know it's there?
- What will Rain do if she finds it before the person who left it there retrieves it?
- We had a winter kiosk? Where is that?

What perplexing bunch of mysteries.

Also perplexing: My career as a dancer.

What if Jan came to see me? i would be mortified. Maybe that is part of what Mistres has in mind? And Jan, please don't feel not welcome to come and see me in dance prison. You are always welcome to come see me or to not to. A little mortification never hurt anyone, right?

i've been waiting for help from a friend with the application but i am at a point where i just need to give it my best effort without help.

/me sighs. Wish me luck everyone. All two of you.

p.s.

i didn't mean for this post to sound so downbeat. just kinda came out sounding like that.

Friends

i just watched an old episode of Friends (which is good to point out because ALL episodes of Friends are old ones) where Chandler and Monica decided to move in together and Rachel wasn't all that disappointed because she was sure that it would never happen. Monica assured her that it was going to happen.

Kind of the same things happened with me today with Mistress. She assured me that yes, the dancer job IS going to happen. i didn't really believe that until i read what She had to say today.

The conundrum goes on. How can i please Her as a dancer when... how can i become good at something when i feel so utterly, totally, completely unprepared and unqualified for it? i guess i'll find out when i find out.

Well... here i go...

i went to the Twisted Orchid tonight and got an application to be a dancer. The application is so long, i should get paid just for applying and completing it. Sheesh!

It really is a dreary place and i will be the first to admit that possibly what i need here is a kick in the pants to motivate myself. On the other hand... even with the swiftest kick i can only be so motivated to dance for customers like these:




Mistress was right when She called this a conundrum.

Murphy's law

i logged in this morning and was delighted to see Mistress log in a few minutes later and then delighted again when Jan logged in a few minutes after that. Of course i had to tell Jan that i was with Mistress and of course She understood (as usual). It seems so long since i've seen either of them.

The big news today was a choice i was given. Maybe it is better to call it a dilemma. Mistress had arranged for me to be admitted to an SL prison.

**Side note**
According to a mutual friend, Mistress' RL has been quite busy and apparently hard to manage lately and so Her time online has been less than in the past.

Mistress felt like this prison 'sentence' would be best for me in her temporary absence and intermittent times online. Honestly i agreed until She explained it a bit better.

It is easier to get into the prison than out of it and while there it is unlikely that i would see Her much. i would only interact with the staff. The way She made it sound, i might not actually get out at all.

So over the course of our conversation, my fate in SL boiled down to two options:
1. Prison
2. Get a job dancing

Here is the odd part. If it weren't for the possibility of losing Mistress (and my friends), i would take the prison term over the dancing in an instant. i really abhor the idea but on the other hand, if it makes Mistress happy to see me dancing, then i will become a dancer.

i also have to admit that there is a lot of curiosity about this prison and what makes it so bad.

According to one lunatic we met outside the prison, the worst thing is that there is a particular Mistress at the prison who wishes RL cancer on your friends. Long story... obviously some language barriers and misunderstandings there but Mistress (my Mistress - not the lunatic or the so-called cancer wisher) showed Her remarkable patience once again by trying to have a sane conversation with this person, even though it was decidedly one sided.

The application...

i have the application for the place where i will serve my sentence as a dancer... god that sounds whiny. Please accept my apologies and permit me to start again...

-----------------

i have the application for the place where i will serve my Mistress by dancing and i asked a friend for some help with it. She is better at this sort of thing than i am and will be able to give me some coaching on the answers.

i looked at the posts from the last week or so and after i re-read the one with the pics of the clientele from the club (Twisted Orchid), i had the idea that it might not be a bad idea to spend a little time at the other option Mistress gave me, a place called House of V.

i am truly hoping that in this case, V doesn't stand for venereal. What would be worse than a case of virtual VD?

It probably really doesn't matter though since Mistress told me long ago that She wouldn't allow Her property to be used in that way.

Possible job opportunity in ranching

Who'd have imagined that with my lack of experience i would ever consider a job at a ranch?

i was at the Ranch today - yes, THE Ranch, and noticed there was an admin there and so we had a short chat about what it takes, how you get to be one, etc.

At this point, all it takes to start the process is Mistress' approval.

i have to say that if this works out, i will be challenged by the need to be fair and patient and forget my pet peeves and be objective.

Off on another trip

Only 4 weeks this time and the way things have been going lately, 4 weeks probably means 3 days and an assignment to a new project. Anyway... i leave (supposedly) a week from today and (supposedly) i get to come home on weekends.

We'll see when we see i guess.

my last post...

...was supposed to be from Saturday and i wrote it, spell checked it and did everything that a conscientious blogger should do except click the 'Publish' button.

What i am going to start calling Mistress:

i talked with suzi for a little while today and she said a few interesting things but ended with this:

[7:15] Suzi Zaytsev: welcome, my love to Miss J.

If i started calling Mistress that, i can just imagine how it might go:
emilee Gackt: Hello Miss J.
Jacquelin Mazi raises an eyebrow.
emilee Gackt: How are You this morning?
Jacquelin Mazi smirks. "19,000 lines: i will remember to address Mistress properly."

suzi and i talked a little more and she said a few memorable things about Mistress. Hearing what she said made me smile proudly and happily.

[7:06] Suzi Zaytsev: but do tell Miss J. She made a huge impact :)
[7:07] Emilee Gackt: How did Mistress make an impact? Didn't you just chat that one time?
[7:07] Suzi Zaytsev: yes !
[7:07] Suzi Zaytsev: lucky you sis :)
[7:07] Emilee Gackt smiles.
[7:07] Emilee Gackt: i know.
[7:08] Emilee Gackt: Thanks for saying so
[7:08] Suzi Zaytsev: SHe is quite a Person :)
[7:08] Emilee Gackt: Yes She is.

i didn't change any of what suzi said. Mistress really is that remarkable of a person and as bad as i am at showing it, i deeply realize that suzi is right.

The road out of SL homelessness?

[2009/10/08 18:06] Emilee Gackt: Hi. You must get this question a lot but do you get paid for modelling here?
[16:29] lindsey Hutchinson: (Saved Thu Oct 08 22:58:46 2009) yes i am

lindsey was modeling at a shop and when i asked her my question she was AFK. So now the big question is... do models get paid a decent wage or is it more like camping?

[16:34] Emilee Gackt: Thanks for your reply. Who would I talk about details?

Silence...


Hey look!

[16:51] lindsey Hutchinson is typing...
[16:51] lindsey Hutchinson: Diana Flanagan is our manager
[16:51] lindsey Hutchinson: tc

So, the next step was to:

[16:53] Emilee Gackt: Hi... i talked to one of your models and she gave me your name. Do you have room for one more model?
[16:53] Second Life: User not online - message will be stored and delivered later.

i never would have guessed this.

[17:50] Suzi Zaytsev: (Saved Wed Oct 07 03:53:16 2009) sorry emilee, but Miss Kim sold me yesterday

What odd timing this is for me. About a week ago Mistress 'sold' me to a mutual friend and i was just engulfed in so many different feelings about it.

*Where the heck is the bullet point button in Blogger!?!*

i guess i'll just make my own bullet points. i felt...
- saddened
- disappointed on Mistress' behalf that the best She could manage to do with me is to get rid of me
- happy that really She was keeping me
- scared of a few things. That i was really going to have a new owner, that i really was just property to someone.

When it all ended and i still belonged to Mistress, i felt somehow deflated. Over the hour or so that Mistress and the friend negotiated for me, i resigned myself to a new and scary future and when i realized i would return to my safe, familiar existence, i honestly felt some disappointment and i still hate that i felt that.

And now suzi was sold and in her case, i know for a fact that it was for real. i am as jealous as i was disappointed but on the other hand, if she knew the Mistress i have and what happens between us, it would be suzi feeling those same things.

well i'll be dipped in buttermilk!

That picture from my last post DID work! Now i am having a double lucky day!

my lucky night.

i logged on after loading the second new version of RLV in about 2 days and when i got here there was a present waiting for me. It was a green lacy top from Style Starts Here and i have no idea why or how i got it but the good news is:

- Green is an approved color
- It is lacy in the style that i feel like Mistress will like
- It was free (woohoo!)

The bad news is:
- Blogger is messing up. The gibberish below is what i got when i tried to upload a pic of the top
- There is no 'Bullet Point' button
This blog will probably never even post so why am i bothering to even type it?

FINALLY met with suzi...

Yeah... so she talks to Mistress in the context of looking for an owner and Mistress tells her that i would contact her. So eventually we connect, she sends me a TP and when i get there, suzi is being inspected by a potential buyer.

That might have been a good time for her to say something like 'Now isn't the best of times for me, perhaps later?'

This must be how i make Mistress feel sometimes. suzi didn't display the most common sense in the world by TPing me and i know there are times when my common sense account is at a negative balance.

/me shrugs.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

Tried again with Suzi

Still not having much luck there. No luck in fact.

Jan told me about a pretty neat website/thing in SL. It makes an avatar from a photo that You... upload? input? i don't know really because when i got to the place in SL that does it (Avatar Island) i realized that my skin was custom made for me and 'glued on' by someone Mistress knows. So the custom avatar job? Probably not for me unless Mistress approves which i am not at all sure She will since She went to the time and expense of having this one made.

Bought and sold like a piece of luggage

When i logged in i felt the same nervousness, fear, excitement and anticipation that i always do. Being with someone who always has such high expectations and low tolerance for mistakes is always a challenge. Still, i was glad to see her – as always – and kissed her in the symbolic and sincere way that i always do. The fact that She let me was a glad thing for me.

[8:07] RR Ballgag 1.13.1 whispers: Emilee Gackt's RR Ballgag 1.13.1 has been locked by Jacquelin Mazi (Type Tight).
[8:07] RR Ballgag 1.13.1: You've been gagged... You are authorized to speak on channel /1 only

When She gagged and blinded me i felt like i had gone too long without doing anything for Her, that i had let RL take too much time from her and that She was understandably upset. Even if She was un-understandably upset, She can be and do as she pleases. That’s why She’s the Mistress.

Here is a list of what Mistress decided for me this morning:

[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to rez from inventory
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may TP to Friends for only Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to receive IM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may receive IM's from Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to send IM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may send IM's to Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may see chat from Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to set environment
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see location
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to touch far objects
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see worldmap
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to use Inventory
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to read notecards
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to stand once seated
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to remove clothes
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to sit >1.5m
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to shout
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to talk normally
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to whisper

There are two ways to look at that list. You could say that i have a lot of freedoms since it is such a long list, or You could say how terrible it is to have all that taken away. i have to confess that i am usually somewhere in the middle, depending on how close… how dependant upon Mistress i am feeling. It seems like that should be a constant.

I hate being blinded. It is too limiting and restricting to be ‘fun’ or a challenge. Being gagged is a challenge and so i can approach that state of being with some enthusiasm as i would any challenge but being blinded is just awful.

[8:11] Jacquelin Mazi: animals cant nod.. they cant grasp simple gestures... all they can do is make noise
[8:12] Emilee Gackt whimpers slightly, sighs and then grunts shamefully.

This is what i am to Her? After all this time? This is both degrading and somehow a thrill to me. Doesn’t She feel ANYTHING for me? The fact that She has kept me for nearly a year and a half must mean that She does and so to hear Her talk like this… very confusing and it makes me reach for Her through the distance She has created.

This was the hardest part:

[8:17] Jacquelin Mazi puts up a for sale sign near you and waits

Being blind, i could only guess that She really had put up a sign. I had no reason to feel that She hadn’t but what about the 18 months? The time She had invested in me. Was this a test? A trick?

To clarify what follows, when Mistress gags and blinds me, SL can make it ‘real’ by hiding names and keeping me from talking. All i see on the screen is black and sometimes a faint glimmer or sparkle. All through this experience, i was totally blind.

[8:55] This person: You're selling that? (This was someone talking to Mistress)
[8:55] An agent: Yes.. one moment please (This was Mistress)
[8:55] This person: np
[8:56] An agent: Sorry... back now.. yes, its for sale... I've had it over a year.. it doesn't cheat and will not vanish

She really was serious. Really for real. I was shocked. All the emotion and time and energy and everything else was now a matter of a few Lindens.

[8:57] This person: How much? (the prospective buyer)
[8:57] An agent: Name your price. Its negotiable. (Mistress)
[8:57] This person: 10L LOL!
[8:57] An agent: hm.. very high for a useless thing like this... *smiles*
[8:58] This person: Seriously? Then 5L?
[8:58] An agent: No, I couldn't let it go for that little. Sorry... realistically, what is a slave like that worth to you here?

Am i just a thing to Her, just to be sold like that? She has been saying that since we met but this is different. This was words put to action.

[8:59] This person: Realistically? 10,000L considering how rare a slave that stays over a year is.
[8:59] An agent nods
[9:00] An agent: but you don't plan to pay that do you ? *smiles*
[9:00] This person: No, sorry. Realistically, 1,000L
[9:00] An agent: 3,500L

This was Mistress’ counter offer. 3,500L is worth a little less than $14 dollars. Now the confusion begins, the not understanding myself, the fear, excitement…

All the emotion, everything i mentioned before, She was willing to take $14 for all that? How shocking and how sad and how strange that of all the things i felt, what i felt most was a deeply grave thrill. Like i was facing death and not blinking. That makes me sound heroic somehow and i was far from that but i felt helpless and powerless and because of that, i felt like i had no choice in it. Since it was inevitable, i felt somehow excited.

I never begged Mistress to keep me. It never occurred to me even ask. What was clear was that She was done with me and i was about to belong to ‘This person,’ whoever that might be. How could i possibly feel such a thrill at this? How dare i feel excitement, even the scary kind?

I was finally about to become what Mistress had been saying i would become for so long. I was about to be sold for real money and become someone else’s slave in as real a sense as SL allows.

I’m ashamed that i felt anything but loss. I felt what i felt though and Mistress would be most unhappy to have me hide that, even then. Especially then.

‘This person’ turned out to be a mutual friend of Mistress and i. i was never for sale although this is the type of experience that will keep me guessing about the next time this sort of thing happens. She said She didn’t have in mind to do this when She logged in and called it a ‘dinner theater.’

i’m not sure there is anyone i know who wouldn’t have been mad or hurt by all this. Leave it to a gackt to feel:

• Relieved
• Happy
• Astonished
• Sad, that i had disappointed Mistress. This was the second time in a few weeks that Mistress has brought tears to my eyes. The last time it was because She said i was invaluable to Her. This time it was because i was only worth $14 to Her.

When She makes me cry – i say that like it is a regular thing but really it has happened twice – i feel tied to Her so much more closely. Crying is such a release for me, especially since it is so rare in my world. Being brought so low and filled with emotion until i just burst is invigorating. That Mistress has this power over me is dreadful to me and euphoric. It makes me permanently Hers even though She showed me today that i am Hers only for as long as She chooses to have me.

The last few days in the life of the gackt

[20:13] Jaan Dubrovna: Emilee!
[20:13] Jaan Dubrovna: How are yu?
[20:14] Emilee Gackt: Good thanks.
[20:14] Emilee Gackt: What a weird few days i've had.
[20:14] Jaan Dubrovna: reallu?
[20:14] Jaan Dubrovna: really?
[20:14] Emilee Gackt: You type like me all of a sudden.
[20:14] Emilee Gackt winks
[20:15] Jaan Dubrovna: I was in the middle of uploading 4 textures at once
[20:15] Jaan Dubrovna: SL doesn't like to do too many things at the same time
[20:15] Jaan Dubrovna: and I still haven't rezzed
[20:15] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[20:15] Emilee Gackt: All gray and no hair?
[20:16] Jaan Dubrovna: so far just a big cotton ball
[20:16] Emilee Gackt smiles.
[20:16] Jaan Dubrovna: whew, there I am
[20:16] Emilee Gackt: How will you make clothes to fit a cotton ball?
[20:16] Emilee Gackt: Oh good.
[20:16] Emilee Gackt: So i left Sunday for Cleveland...
[20:17] Jaan Dubrovna: okay
[20:17] Emilee Gackt: Flight canceled, flew to Chicago, waited forever, left for Cleveland, got there about 11:00 Monday.
[20:17] Emilee Gackt: 11:00 am
[20:17] Jaan Dubrovna: okay
[20:18] Emilee Gackt: At his point it is a 25 hour trip, just to get there.
[20:18] Emilee Gackt: *this point
[20:18] Jaan Dubrovna: like the Phillipines sheesh
[20:18] Emilee Gackt: Yea
[20:18] Emilee Gackt laughs
[20:18] Emilee Gackt: So i get to the hotel... no wait...
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: i stopped at Target and bought a case of water, granola bars, stuff for training, etc.
[20:19] Jaan Dubrovna: okay
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: THEN got to the hotel at about1 pm
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: Went to sleep
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: Got a phone call at about 4 pm
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: My boss' boss.
[20:19] Emilee Gackt: Never good when a VP calls you directly.
[20:19] Jaan Dubrovna: uh oh
[20:20] Jaan Dubrovna: I guess not
[20:20] Emilee Gackt: So the client cancelled the training .
[20:20] Emilee Gackt: i had to fly back the next day.
[20:20] Jaan Dubrovna: oh, you are kidding
[20:20] Jaan Dubrovna: :shakes her head
[20:20] Emilee Gackt: So i left for the Cleveland Airport and got a call from another client while i was on the way.
[20:21] Emilee Gackt: i told him i'd take care of him at the airport when i could get on their wifi.
[20:21] Emilee Gackt: Returned my Kia Rondo rental car, got to the airport...
[20:21] Emilee Gackt: One sec - Dave's home
[20:21] Emilee Gackt: Be right back
[20:21] Jaan Dubrovna: kk
[20:26] Emilee Gackt: So THEN....
[20:26] Jaan Dubrovna: so then
[20:27] Emilee Gackt: i get to through security, go to the gate, find a plug get unpacked, turn on my laptop...
[20:27] Emilee Gackt: No wifi.
[20:27] Jaan Dubrovna: amazing
[20:28] Jaan Dubrovna: must be every other airport in the country has wifi
[20:29] Emilee Gackt: So i figured i would just call someone at work in AZ and have them take care of it for me and i would go read and have lunch/dinner for three hours.
[20:29] Jaan Dubrovna: sure
[20:29] Emilee Gackt: So i go to my Blackberry ('cuz i'm cool like that) and go into my contacts...
[20:29] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[20:30] Emilee Gackt: ...which is full of names from the Philippines. Not a single US name in my phone.
[20:30] Emilee Gackt: So i sat and sighed for a while.
[20:30] Jaan Dubrovna: oh, too funny
[20:30] Emilee Gackt: Then - brainstorm!
[20:30] Emilee Gackt: i'll look in my received calls in my phone!
[20:30] Jaan Dubrovna: there you go
[20:31] Emilee Gackt: All the numbers where i work start with 446 so i'll just look for people who called me from a 446 number, right?
[20:31] Jaan Dubrovna: okay ...
[20:31] Emilee Gackt: Turns out, when you call from where i work, an 800 number shows up, not the direct dial number.
[20:31] Emilee Gackt: More sighing.
[20:32] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[20:32] Emilee Gackt: Then the client calls me and asks me if i've decided anything yet.
[20:32] Emilee Gackt: i decided that i would rather not be in Cleveland.
[20:32] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[20:33] Emilee Gackt: So finally i remembered that there is a man at work who has my old number.
[20:33] Emilee Gackt: i called it, got him, had him give me the name of every relevant person i could think of.
[20:33] Emilee Gackt: All the managers, my boss, departments heads, etc.
[20:34] Jaan Dubrovna: yeah
[20:34] Emilee Gackt: probably 9 people.
[20:34] Emilee Gackt: Every single one of them was away from their desk.
[20:34] Emilee Gackt: i left 9 voice mails. 'Please call asap, thanks.'
[20:34] Emilee Gackt: Only 1 person called me back.
[20:34] Emilee Gackt: Sheesh.
[20:34] Jaan Dubrovna: that is funny
[20:35] Emilee Gackt: But i FINALLY had somone to hand this problem off too and for the trouble i rewarded myself with a big greasy cheeseburger at the airport restaraunt.
[20:35] Jaan Dubrovna: yum
[20:35] Emilee Gackt: Which i am pretty sure is spelled wrong.
[20:36] Emilee Gackt: Let's call it a cafe.
[20:36] Jaan Dubrovna: Sigh
[20:36] Jaan Dubrovna: so you made it out of Cleveland alive whew
[20:36] Jaan Dubrovna: that is funny Emilee
[20:36] Emilee Gackt: Barely.
[20:36] Emilee Gackt laughs
[20:36] Jaan Dubrovna: i bet you didn't find the humor at the time though
[20:37] Emilee Gackt: Oh no... i was in stitches.
[20:37] Emilee Gackt: Really.
[20:37] Jaan Dubrovna: well good
[20:37] Emilee Gackt: Busting a gut the whole time.
[20:37] Emilee Gackt laughs
[20:37] Emilee Gackt: So today...
[20:37] Jaan Dubrovna: yes......
[20:37] Emilee Gackt: They tell me i am going back on 10/12.
[20:38] Jaan Dubrovna: back to Cleveland?
[20:38] Jaan Dubrovna: wonderful
[20:38] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[20:38] Emilee Gackt: Yep. Round 2 of Cleveland vs. Emilee.