Finally free, sort of.

When I first when back home, I was dismayed to see the cages you'd installed in the apartment. I'd just finished my time a portable cage and I come home to see permanent ones. In MY own apartment no less! I did offer Mistress the use of it though and even went as far as 'my home is your home.' In fact, that point was made very clear to me today. What is mine IS hers.

When we went shopping I was oddly ill at ease. It was awkward somehow, and even when I went later, by myself I felt the same strange agitation. It was as if, for the forst time, I didn't have the need or even the desire for more clothes. That suit changed things for me, at least temporarily. It might have been the newness of being yours. Either way, shopping was an oddity.

My goodness these assignments are time consuming. It is a good thing of course that I have a Mistress who understands that there is so much more to a relationship like ours than handcuffs and pose balls. These assignments - the writing in particular - are every bit as much a part of domination as the suit was or as a gag or cuffs or a whip. These are much deeper; these assignments are mental and intellectual domination, not just physical.

One of my assignments is to research chastity belts; another to get a gag updated. It's so odd that I willingly do these things, that I know I'll be frustrated and angered by them and yet off I go to get a new gag and to research chastity belts. Having to do so is delicious, as will wearing them be. Delicious, enchanting, distasteful and disagreeable.

Having these things forced on me is what is so tantalizing; having no choice and way to resist. That was the charm of the bane suit I think. I was helpless and free.

[15:14] Custodian whispers: Time over, Emilee is given the keys to her Custodian back (detached 0 times)

I'm done. All that remains is to be stripped of the suit.

Sunrises are the gloomiest

Something about watching the SL sun coming up makes time pass so slowly for me. Like the end of a long night, when it is coldest.

The worst part

Overall, life as a bane was a trial but no so much as I though it might be. It has been long, lonely and frustrating. I think that the anonymity has kept me from being too humiliated. The truly difficult thing about it has been being put on display; being referred to so objectively and just being watched and looked at, being shown to other subs. Thank goodness I'd finished maintence before that was shown off as well.

[9:55] Jacquelin Mazi: tick tock to the little banished girl...

I was as glad for the company as I was irked at being stared at.

I somehow made a friend who figured out a way to 'talk' to me. At first he'd send notecards and I could read the titles. I declined them all (of course) and then he added me to a group and started sending group notices. He sort of adopted me in a way; he made me a little hut and assured me that it was safe to go in. I (of course) wouldn't go anywhere near it. He somehow set his land so that no one else could enter it. I'm probably in big trouble for even accepting the group invitation. I'll find out soon enough I suppose.

I had a visitor today; I think I was on her land. She was so incredibly thick! I would walk away from her and she'd floow along like a puppy on a leash. I'd TP to an adjacent sim and within a few minutes, there she'd be. She showed up at one point riding a whale and waving. She was within 3 or 4 meters more than once. I finally TP'd to a random sim and very luckily, didn't land on a rooftop.

I have less than three hours left and I find it odd that I am both anxious (a lot) and reluctant (a little) to leave my suit. It is so lonely and boring but there is so relatively little to worry about; no decisions, no responsibilities, no typing numbered lines. Just solitude, some shame and some occasional panic.

Such a sweet, helpful man...

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:18:57 2008) Hi

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:19:06 2008) Dont ask me why.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:19:37 2008) I dont fully understand it myself. Maybe because of things that have happened in my past.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:21:56 2008) I know you cant answer me. thats ok

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:23:06 2008) This isnt much. Its humble. But, take this landmark, and understand whom its for and that you will not be seeked after.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:23:45 2008) if you want to approach me , youi can, i wont bite.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:24:02 2008) i wont approach you unless you seek me.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:24:45 2008) if you read land permits you will understand nobody can bother you.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:53:26 2008) The placxe is almost nothing.

[19:06] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 17:54:25 2008) But I can add things for you. right now its barefly basics, not even. But I dont know if you will accept my gift.

[19:13] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:13] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:13] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:14] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:14] Emilee Gackt: *** IM blocked by sender's viewer

[19:14] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:14] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:20] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:22] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:22] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:25] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:25] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:25] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:28] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:28] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:29] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:30] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:30] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:30] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:31] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[19:32] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

Quite persistent as well.

I am so lonely.

Geez.

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:09:21 2008) Is poofing your way of life?

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:28:28 2008) You know, you dont have to be affraid, especially of me

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:32:25 2008) Ok

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:32:38 2008) You dont have to talk to me

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:32:46 2008) But dont be affraid of me

[11:49] Windchant Ikarus: (Saved Mon May 26 09:35:05 2008) I have a place, where few people come to, you can stay there if you wish virtually unseen


How frustrating this is.

Too easy

I had this thought overnight that this is too easy; it occurred to me that maybe they did me some favors in processing and didn't 'turn everything on,' similar to how I was treated in Gor. From what people had told me - 'this is by far the hardest thing you'll do in SL' - I was expecting it to be a lot more cumbersome or me.

• I was expecting obscured vision (like in the story)
• Perhaps forced mouselook.
• I thought that extensions would come more easily and was sure that the three that I committed wouldn't go unpunished.

It's funny that if this were a conversation with Mistress, her reply would likely be something like: "Oh, it's not hard enough for you? We can fix that."

I just can't imagine a 24 hour sentence growing into 180 hours like Bleuzy's. She must have willfully misbehaved. Or maybe I'm just missing part of the point of this. Is there something I'm not getting? Why would she let herself be imprisoned like this for that long? My mind is just boggled.

[9:04] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[9:04] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

[9:06] Windchant Ikarus: *** IM blocked by your viewer

This guy Windchant decided to come and visit me. He read my profile, I'm sure. I kept moving away and using that 'No!' gesture and he kept coming closer and closer. I'm sure I'll have some violations because of him. When I TP'd away I landed on a road. There are sensors that detect when my feet touch prims. Thanks a bunch Windchant. You ruined my spot and very likely have caused me more time in this wretched suit.

Halfway

Emilee Gackt's 'Custodian'
V1.13
Lock: Locked and very secure
(by Green Geary)
Time: 12:5:0
Left: 12:5:0
Best: 12:5:0

I just finished half of my sentence. I'm not sure what to think exactly; it's been hard and demeaning and lonely but not as much as I was made to think it would be. I keep bracing for some shocking surprise - like I'll be punished for blogging and have a day added to my sentence.

What were those others that I talked to doing to get such heinous extensions? Surely they realized that it is best to lay low and avoid everything and everyone. Perhaps they were more daring than I am but something this shameful should create some discretion. At has in me at least.

I thought I might celebrate or be glad, happy, smile, etc. when I made it to this point. I'm just bored and and ashamed and alone.

Maintenance

Thank goodness the custodian doesn't provide descriptions of what happens during maintenance. Kind of surprising really but still, a small mercy

Time

So little time passes and so much seems to remain.

I keep thinking how nice it will be when this ends; what will it be like with Mistress? I want to just be held and taken for ice cream and shop; will I be gagged and made to type numbered lines instead? It's as if one sentence will end and another will begin and my time here goes so utterly slowly. But didn't I get myself into all this? Isn't all this just what I wanted from SL? Haven't I shopped enough and gone looking for a challenge?

/me smiles! I just got this in from the custodian in her too loud, too impersonal voice:

[6:23] Custodian: : Weekly update received from central monitoring network. :[6:24] Custodian: : Violations totaled, no sentence extension applied. Continue on this path, E-8495. :

I'll continue in this path of sitting, existing for the rest of my sentence. How many days has it been? Only since Friday? My goodness. I have so much time remaining.

I keep getting group IMs. It is so exciting to hear that IM chime when it squinks. I have so much to say to these people, some of it helpful, some a bit snarky.

[6:41] Sexyback Akina: can i ask why i cant get access to the shop?

[6:41] Emilee Gackt: *** IM blocked by sender's viewer

[6:41] Anarchy Tigerpaw: maybe they are doing another sale?

[6:41] Amandalynn Lockjaw: its under construction

[6:41] Galandriel Alvord: i think they moved the shop

[6:42] Galandriel Alvord: i went there from a nearby shop and there was nothing there

[6:42] Sexyback Akina: i just joined :). thank you all

It's as if by trying to help, I just end up advertising my status to everyone in the group.

They took away my AO

I have to watch myself walking like a zombie with potato chips in it's panties.

I got another camming violation. It's such a dep habit I have. There is no way I can tell how time time that violation adds to my sentence. I am going to turn off the 'Disable Camera Restraints' option. Why did I not think of that before? I'm sure it's still too much freedom but perhaps that contsraint will be a reminder the next time I get curious.

What happens if I end up 'Away' from too much inactivity? So far no word from the custodian about that. Will I be told about any additions prior to my original sentence being completed? Or will I find out only when I think I am to be released?

Reminders

I just got a group notice about an 80's party being held at the place where was trained as a ponygirl. I wouldn't have attended it even if i could have but being told there is a party and knowing that I CAN'T go is a bit much. It's so impersonal. It would be different if it was Mistress who told me I can't go or even a mother/child scenario.

Should I leave all my groups for now? Or keep them and at least have the occasional group notice to read?

Oh here's a good one. I decided to keep my groups (most of them anyway) for now. I just got a group IM which made me smiled slightly; I thought it might be fun to follow along in a group conversation. It was Portugese spam. http://slurl.com/secondlife/Utopia%20Portugal%20I/194/223/30. Low price/ Preço baixo, $2 à 80 lindens. Why do these people think that spamming = advertising? Are there really people dumb enough to go looking for things that are so Preço baixo? Gimme a break.

I joined a few more groups - a couple of bookish ones and a political group - thinking that there might be a bit of intellectual group chat to read. So far: nothing. Maybe I'm being impatient; I only just joined them about three minutes ago.

Either way, I am noticing little reminders of my status. I can't open my inventory, my Delete key doesn't work. I can't jump and I am scared to even press the Fly button.

In case you hadn't realized it yet, this blog has bacome a sort of running tally of my thoughts and trials. My goodness am I glad you had me set it up. I'd be so lost without it. It's such a tangible connection to you.

Down the beach from where I spent last night I found a floatie in the water, just a few meters out. I must have missed it in the dark since I walked right past it on the way to my 'spot' last night. It seems that it was made for two; both of the poseballs say 'snuggles.'

What an odd thing it is, the world I create for myself in SL. I see those snuggle poseballs and think of how nice it would be to find myself a beautiful, intelligent man and just float there, laying back on his chest. We'd talk about books, Europe, movies... it would be a delight. Not so odd right? The reality I have waiting for me if I ever get out my suit is kneeling and fretting over every keystroke I type. The odd part is that if I were given the choice between the two, I'd be at a loss.

My thoughts while I am in this suit are so amplified. Normally I'd have paid no attention at all to those poseballs. Now people pay no attention to me.

Too easy so far.

I'm locked away in my suit and have nothing but time to think. Where can I go and be in solitude, away from violations? Somewhere wide and open, free of prims (a violation) and people (a violation). Ahah - the beach!

I did a search for 'beach', sorted by traffic and skipped to the very last page. All of these place must be empty all the time. My first 'home' was an empty lot in a village. I missed the beach by a few hundred meters I'd guess but thank goodness I didn't land on any prims. I was in the middle of a lot in the middle of bunches of buildings.

My island is deserted and apparently for sale. There is zero traffic here and I picked this beach based on the search picture. Lots of wide open sand and nothing else but a 'For Sale' sign and a palm tree.

People! Bugger this! "Lets gawk at the freak!"

I am alone and in a lovely place. The moon on the water and the rhythm of the waves is just splendid. I've gotten no custodian warning for being here or for teleporting. I pray that I won't find that I've broken some unstated rule.

The wheel on my mouse has a setting that lets it spin freely so you can scroll to the bottom of a long document very quickly. In SL, spinning it zooms the camera all the way out for a very wide view or all the way in, which puts me in mouselook. I use it so much that it's become habit for me to spin it over and over, forwards and back. This caused my first violation. As far the custodian is concerned, being zoomed out so far is the same as spying on someone. This has happened twice so far. Hiding in plain sight was turning off that option or switching mice for a time. This would have been smart to do after the first violation. Why then did it take two? I am quite thick at times.

The custodian sent me for maintenance for the first time. What a shock that booming voice was. It invaded my entire world. So loud! It isn't as if I'll be listening to my iPod. Or anything. When I landed at the maintenane station there were two peope there, both quite closer than 10 meters. Not enough that I would have to be force evacuated and fed with them right there. I get the added bonus of wondering if I will be getting a proximity violation as well.

I returned to my beach. I have a waterfall and jumping dolphins.

Your visits are bittersweet. I feel so helpless; I can't even wave. I want to run to you and kneel there in front of you. I want to curl up and sleep all this away and wake up to see you.

[23:37] Jacquelin Mazi nods lightly act
[23:37] Custodian: Jacquelin Mazi : /me nods lightly actually missing her gackty girl

[23:38] Jacquelin Mazi keeps it in her
[23:38] Custodian: Jacquelin Mazi : /me keeps it in her thoughts

I am so alone when you leave. I am so alone when you are 11 meters away but when you leave, especially after saying such sweet things, my beach seems like a prison.

The first one.

[16:08] Custodian: : Protocol Violation. May not spy around. :
[16:08] Custodian: : Protocol Violation ended and reported. :

Today.

Our time together is sometimes still quite stressful to me; I am still 'learning' you and at this point I know you only well enough to keep you at least semi-satisfied. I am anxious for more of my personality to seep in to our conversations.

I look back at my notes of our conversations and I see so many things I say starting with "Emilee Gackt nods." It's so repetitive but there isn't a suitable synonym for 'nod’, really. I'm constantly tempted to stop using emotes just to avoid sounding so parrot-like. "Squawk! Emilee Gackt nods. Emilee Gackt nods." I'll be preening myself soon and doing that little head-bob thing that caged birds do when they see themselves in a mirror.

You winked at me and my heart leaped! I was so thrilled to see a bit of affection so casually given. A wink is so personal and so intimate to me. Such a simple gesture but it can mean so many things. I was so happy at that wink. I made it mean that you understand me and that you care for me. You care for me.

And then you shushed me a minute later. "The grown ups are talking" you said. How demeaning that you'd think of me as not even a grown up, not fit to take part in a conversation. A conversation about ME no less! Then my mind created a picture of it, you discussing my banishment with Green reminded me of a parent discussing a child's care with her doctor. How odd that I should find being shushed and demeaned so caring and loving.

Being with you today was so touching and so terribly needed. I have 33 minutes left. Without our time today I'd be going into this alone. I can't imagine that. I feel so near you all of a sudden. I need you with me while I am bane. That will give me a goal and an end to strive for.

I'm running out of time. I wanted to include more on this and it looks like I'll need to blog it. I had so many thoughts today. So much anticipation. I didn't think I'd be so scared which is silly. Of course I'm scared. What was I thinking? I personalized everything about Gor so why wouldn't I do the same here?

I have 19 minutes left.

Today?

Mistress allowed me the choice of the two bane suits - either the Marine Kelley suit or the other. What I read and researched about the two suits said that Marine's is far more difficult to endure and is more likely to extend the original sentence, sometimes excessively.

What is it about me that made me choose Marine's suit? I love a challenge, but when I was interviewed at K-tech, the technician tried to talk me out of it. I had second thoughts myself but Mistress was very decisive:

[19:21] Emilee Gackt thinks again for a longish moment. "Must I be bane Mistress? Perhaps I've learned enough of it by reading the story."

[19:22] Jacquelin Mazi: your fate is sealed..... perhaps that is overly dramatic.... but true... I don't care what you want... it will be a good lesson for you...... it will not be discussed again.... understood?

Maybe it is that I have grown so accustomed to having the best; Marine’s suit seems ‘better’ somehow. It’s just a vague feeling but compaing the two makes me think that far more thought went into her suit.

True, it will be a good lesson for me, but a lesson in what? My guess is that it will mostly be a lesson in 'be careful what you wish for.' I've never been so filled with dread and anticipation at the same time. Minutes are dragging by and each time the IM chime rings my heart stops for a moment. Is it finally time already? It occurred to me that time in the suit can't be as bad as waiting for the suit. Once I am in the suit, I'll at least have nothing to fear, but I'll still have something to look forward to. I also just realized that I'll be bald when I am released. How long after banishment will that last?

Bleuzy's 24 hour sentence grew to 180 hours. Why was she not more careful? That poor girl. She said the suit is a bit less sensitive now, but even if I get just half the extension she did, I'll still be bane for 90 hours! She was so kind when she interviewed me; I understand why she was so business-like at times. Will it be her to process me? Will she be as kind then as she was when we met?

To bane or not to bane

When I am with you Mistress I feel a sense of accomplishment, a bit of pride and of course loads of nerves. Your expectations were maddening at first; now they seem a refreshing challenge. These bloody essays are driving me quite insane and yet I've never had someone make such demands of my time and my intellect and thoughts. Gor was never like this. All this challenge and work load heightens my sense of accomplishment.

When you logged off I was at a bit of a loss; I felt such a burden of so many things to do that I almost didn’t know where to begin. I got a little organized first (saved a notecard of our conversation) then logged off and took care of a few details for work coordinating some training from two of our vendors and looked into the blog. It seemed remarkably easy; so easy that I wondered what I might be doing wrong.

When I logged back I printed the portion of the notecard that had the assignments and then oddly spent a few minutes looking for furniture. It had occurred to me that I mentioned that I would find some furniture for the apartment and I didn’t want to forget that so I just got it done, although the apartment is still more empty than full.

I then did some looking around at bane suits and the two different banishment options in SL. I saw a vendor selling the Shelley suit and I saw a few of the Marine Kelley banes at her facility. Goodness how solitary they looked! There were two women and a man.

I felt that I really needed to begin working more earnestly on completing my assignments. Thank goodness Mr. Gackt is out of town so I don’t have to sacrifice time with him to complete things.

Friday is my day of banishment. In two days I become bane, after which I will be yours, but how long until I can be yours Mistress? How long will I be bane? When will I be me again and become yours? Will I like one over the other? Will I want to stay bane or will I hate it?

I am finding myself a bit stressed; not since I was trained in Gor did I have this much homework to prepare. Even then, I had nowhere near this much to do, it wasn't anywhere near as personal as this is becoming and it came at a much slower pace.

This blogging is so odd Mistress. The essays were so personal and between you and I; this feels so... public! Am I writing to you or to the Internet?

The suits pose a dilemma for me. I have no first hand experience with either suit and from what I can tell, there is an application process for the Marine Kelley suit. Does that make that suit no longer an option? The other is readily available, cheaper up front (not that cost is an issue really), but those are just as negative as they are positive; there is some exclusivity to Marine's suit that the other lacks. That 'mystique' and the fact that it is said to be more challenging make Marine's suit my first choice. Then I think about the application... if there is a delay will I settle for my second choice or will I wait (quite impatiently) for Marine's?