Monday, October 13, 2008

I was expecting her to launch into me about our time earlier today. I had sent her my blog that was too personal to post and we got a bit sidetracked for a while. We talked about religion for a long time, she showed me a youtube of a song and such and the whole time I was aching to know what was about to happen.

Was I still hers? Does she still want me?

Was it proper to ask her that there and then or was it proper to let her guide our conversation as she chose? Does she want my feelings as I have them? In blurts?

Do I just blurt out that I am desperately worried that I have gackt things up completely? Do I wait for the conversation to come around to that?
This will work. How can it possibly NOT work?

[2:23] Jacquelin Mazi: what is the ONE thing you have been doing all week poorly?
[2:23] Emilee Gackt: Sharing my feelings Mistress.
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi nods
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: and as always.....
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: the punishment will fit the crime
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: EVERYTHING you say on SL will be proceeded with an emote expressing your feelings
[2:24] Jacquelin Mazi: is this clear?

I was on for about 20 minutes after this was announced and my heart pounded each time I had to type. That woman is brilliant. I have never been so forced to search myself like this. I am anxious for this to go on and truly excited by it. What will I see myself feeling? What will I learn about myself?

Everything I say must include how I feel.

When did so and so last login?
Who is Blahblah McBlah?
You will talk to Whats Hername tomorrow.

These things are all so mundane. What do I FEEL about these? Mostly nervousness at having to identify what I felt at that second. I need to have that pass and get to my real feelings.

I feel pride right now, which is odd. I made Mistress more mad than I ever have today but for some reason it popped into my head that I have endured more than nearly and sub or slave in SL, which is a pittance by comparison to some of course. But for me, I am glad that given all that Mistress uses to try to get me to where she wants me to be, I still love her and persevere to do my best for her. Nearly any other in SL would have fled long ago.

More than pride I feel relieved. Just unbelievably relieved and overwhelmingly tired. Emotion is so draining.

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