Tuesday, December 30, 2008
My goodness I am tired tonight.
After tonight I probably won't be online until I get to the Philippines which is Saturday evening locally. That makes it 3:00 AM Saturday morning for Mistress and Jan. I wish I could give everyone a better idea of when I will be online in the Philippines but last time I flew internationally I slept for 18 hours once I landed. I am sure I won't be so lag-headed this time but it is still hard to be precise.
Leave Phoenix at 8:15 amon Friday morining
Arrive Honolulu at 11:45 am Friday morning
Leave Honolulu at 1:20 pm Friday afternoon
Arrive in Manila at 6:05 pm on Saturday night
WHERE DID FRIDAY GO?!?
It is 6 hours and 30 minutes to Hawaii from Phoenix and then another 10 hours 45 minutes to Manila. I am flying west which means I lose time as I go instead of gaining it by flying east. I like to fly but something tells me the I will be looking forward to getting off the plane after 18 hours.
I need to come to terms with the fact that there is no iPod battery on the market that will last for 18 hours. I am going to have to amuse myself the old-fashioned way by getting a book. Ack! The old kind with pages and ink. How will I ever cope?
I will miss you both this week and if I don't see you before Saturday or Sunday... whichever it is... have a wonderful new year's celebration and please be careful.
When I turned in the rest of the lines I only turned in a total of 499 lines. Mistress doesn't miss a thing most of the time. I like having such high standards to meet. It is a challenge and I also hate having such high standards to meet because I hate typing lines.
For whatever reason, this time I felt totally ridiculous having to type all those lines. Anyway, Mistress did the math and found that I came up short. She told me and watched me squirm for a while and had me do even MORE lines despite all my whining and begging:
[1:37] Jacquelin Mazi: 10 of them... you may begin now typing them here
She really made me happy right then. To know that she is kind and merciful, yes but more that she is fun.
In the Philippines the team I will be working with will be selling into Australia and will work Australia time, which is a pretty common thing in offshoring. You have to be available when your customers are awake, right? So while I am there, my workdays will start at noon and end at 8:00 pm. If I go eat and such and login to SL at 10 :00 pm, that is 9:00 am on the US east coast. Good for seeing Mistress (I hope) and probably bad for ever seeing poor Jan. Ack! We'll work something out, I promise!
Monday, December 29, 2008
This will be a busy few days for me. I need to get a few vaccinations and other things taken care of before I go and I need to review the material I will be training. I have been given ownership of the content that I train but realistically I will need to use the existing materials which is good and bad. I am always much more comfortable training something that I created.
I am still looking forward to going of course. I am just at point where I am appreciating what I have while I have it. I am assuming that access to SL will not be a problem in the Philippines.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
- I had forgotten how solitary her SL existence is...
- ...which maybe is why no one sees much of Bekkers anymore?
- I never call people by their last name but with her I do for some reason.
I got Mistress a Christmas gift that I felt was appropriate. I had never seen her spend money on herself so trying to pick something for her was a challenge. It occurred to me that she might like something to accessorize some of her things so I got her an attachment for her favorite slave (by default but I'll take what I can get).
Once it is attached I need to speak a line in chat that will let me use IM. So far it is very aggravating. Frustrating might be a better word. I can only IM for 30 seconds after I type the phrase. I am hoping that she will set it to a longer period that I can IM for although if I know her she might not and if I know SL, her options are probably limited.
We met a girl named Desire today. She seemed very nice and I am looking forward to seeing what happens to her.
I am beginning to sound like a parrot who can only say one thing: "My computer crashed."
I promise that it is more annoying for me than for anyone else.
I talked briefly with Subzero again tonight. We need to get to a place where we are more comfortable chatting with each other. There were longish gaps in our conversation and I found myself at a loss for words which for me, is a rare thing.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
- 7 out of 10 adults are smokers.
- Of the 7 smokers, 6 of them smoke heavily.
- If you go outside to escape the smoke, it is either to the back yard where there is a...
- ... festering, green, half full (I am such an optimist) swimming pool or...
- ... to the front yard, where my father-in-law keeps a fire pit burning with wood he has claimed from a random construction site.
- There will be about 4 people I have never seen before and will never see again
- There will be 4 kids (all boys) who range from 8 to 18 and who are all very nice kids
- The food is usually very good when it is freshly made (before the smoke can sink in to it)
When you leave, you are smelly and feel just filthy, you are more tired than a few hours with family should cause you to be and you are aching for a shower. Merry Christmas!
An opportunity for learning tonight:
[0:18] Jacquelin Mazi sighs lightly to herself: "My usual 'meeting place' Sim has vanished.... I don't think to return..... so therefor I don't have a decent place to meet with you subway...... I am not excited about the idea of bringing anyone to my home until I am more positive about them"
[0:19] SubZero Felwitch: I understand Mistress
[0:19] Jacquelin Mazi: perhaps my gackty one can impress me and take us somewhere quiet hm?
[0:19] Emilee Gackt nods quickly and scrambles [for] a LM...
I should have been on my toes and OFFERED to TP us somewhere instead of having Mistress have to ask me.
(Thank you Blogger for having me double space all of a sudden)
We had dinner with friends tonight and then came home and had a small exchange of gifts. I woke a bit later and had the idea to wait for Mistress for a while. She never logged in (no surprise here really... it was about 3:00 am for her) so I went to back to bed. I worked on lines while I waited.
Spell check is not working in Blogger and so I am hereby absolved of all guilt and responsiblilty pertaining to and about spelling, proper or improper as it may be, in this entry of my blog.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I know that my time in SL belongs to Mistress and I am grateful that she lets me share it with Jan.
Monday, December 22, 2008
"I belong to Jacquelin Mazi - I am here to please Her"
I still find ways to mess this up, as simple as it sounds.
The last time I was in SL, I had disappointed Mistress again and I let that become an excuse to check out for a while. I felt like I needed to sort out my feelings, given what had happened and at the time it seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Now, looking back it was quite selfish. Mistress waited, Rachel worried, Jan lost her sweet kitty and I just took some time to myself. I owe all of you an apology.
Mistress has this ability to make a point:
[11:11] Jacquelin Mazi watches glaring at you
[11:11] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:12] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:14] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:15] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:16] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:17] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:18] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:19] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:21] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:22] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:22] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:24] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:26] Jacquelin Mazi watches
[11:27] Jacquelin Mazi: waiting.... wondering... anticipation.... being ignored... how does it feel?
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget this moment
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget your place
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget what you are
[11:28] Jacquelin Mazi: never forget... I am watching
[11:36] Jacquelin Mazi watches
In between every one of her '/me watches' I was desperately trying to figure out WHAT she was watching for. Some 'thing' I was supposed to do, you know? I missed the point until I was nearly as exasperated as she must have been over the weekend. She was watching FOR me, not watching until I did something. I swear, for someone with a brain I have to wait for a good excuse to use it sometimes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I talked for a few minutes with Jan until Mistress came online. It didn't go well with her...
[22:29] Emilee Gackt: I want to be able to tell you that I am doing my best Mistress but Iknow I could have done better on that assignment.
[22:30] Emilee Gackt: You gave me clear instructions and I just remembered the very basics of what you wanted.
[22:32] Emilee Gackt: I hate to have to admit that I am trying to do much Mistress. I come home from work at 6:30 or 7 and only get a few hours at home each day. I know your assignments are not excessively time consuming but they are a relavtiely large percentage of my time at home.
[22:33] Emilee Gackt: So I am losing focus Mistress.
[22:34] Jacquelin Mazi: Get out
[22:35] Emilee Gackt: You mean log off or leave the house Mistress?
[22:35] Jacquelin Mazi: I don't want to see you in this house
[22:35] Jacquelin Mazi: get out
I'm not sure what this means yet. She would want to know my feelings but I am just sort of numb still.
So I begged and it was probably pretty pathetic. Mistress asked me to beg again and I did and she said that if that was the best I could do she might leave me and maybe tomorrow night I could beg a little better. I probably would have but when she said that I took it to mean that she WOULD leave me there so I stopped begging. In my mind there was no point, including the point that I missed.
[0:46] Jacquelin Mazi: sometimes it is nice to hear the desperation if your voice... the need in your heart... if you give up so easily... maybe I don't believe it?
So I was lost between begging for her and begging for me. I wanted to be let out but I didn't want to persist with something that she had told me I had already failed at. It is a tricky thing to have a Mistress who is so deeply clever.
I did poorly on another assignment for her. Looking back at what I gave her and what she asked for, the critique she gave me of the essay make perfect sense really. I'm not sure why I was so lazy about it. She gave me clear instructions and I (her words here) half-assed it. I need a kick in the head sometimes.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I can see the minimap though and I keep noticing those little dots flying towards me, stopping for a moment or two and then flying away. I must not be very ogle worthy, which is probably a good thing given where I am. Heaven knows what I'm wearing, if anything.
It just occurred to me that I could very easily have been locked in that awful cage with the numbers where I have to do math problems correctly or my time in the cage increases. I guess it's all about perspective isn't it? I guess this cage isn't so bad after all.
Stockholm syndrome is a response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker.
Mistress had me do this essay and at first I didn't see why. I couldn't see a connection but as I 'pondered' it, the similarities became clear. I am not a hostage in the normal sense but there is certainly a fondness in me for her.
I am looking forward to talking about this with her. She will no doubt have a very interesting perspective on it.
I turned in my assignments late this week and I am already sorry and not at all looking forward to that conversation. They were due Friday night and I turned them in Saturday night. Mistress is always very understanding if I need more time with things but sometimes events turn out such that asking for more time is impossible. Maybe there is a legitimate reason that I couldn't get them turned in and couldn't ask for more time.
Maybe we had tickets to the Suns game in one of the luxury suites and maybe I had one of the most delicious drinks I've ever tasted and maybe I had too many of them and maybe by the time I got home I had to be dragged to bed and tucked in and didn't stir for hours past the time that my assignments were due. Maybe. Wait, not maybe... that all actually happened.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Her latest is like this. At first it was kind of exciting but sort of too... personal. As I was doing what she told me to do, I felt myself becoming resigned to it. Now that it is clear that she still plans on going forward with it, I am moving into the adjustment stage where I will convince myself that it isn't so bad. So far it isn't but so far, we haven't really begun with it.
Mistress has been sick lately and I have been busy as usual lately. A bit of good news about that - they have delayed the next group that I will need to train until after the holidays so I should have some time for everyone coming up soon.
There is a possibility that I will go to the Philippines in the spring. A very slim possibility. That will be a very interesting experience if I do go. Goodness knows what time zone they are. It is probably yesterday of next week there right now.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
[19:41] VISTA AO GIRL3 v2008: 3130 bytes free
[19:41] Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS): Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS) is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Script run-time error[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Stack-Heap Collision[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Registering with the Relay Server
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Say: "egzptoys help" for HELP
[19:41] hippoRENT Rental Box 4.1 for Rain Coalcliff: SeaSide Tudor #9 @ Hardangerfjord 40, 131, 23 - Your rental has 0 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds left to run.
[19:41] the heart of a gackty slave: Your key holder is offline.
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: RLV Relay v004: RLV Relay is ON (auto-accept)
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Hello Emilee, RR support version 007, (12921 bytes free)
[19:41] emilee's clit (Chest): emilee's clit (Chest) is unlocked.
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Owner Jacquelin Mazi is offline[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is running RestrainedLife viewer v1.15.1 (SL 1.21.6)
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: RLV support v031 - RestrainedLife viewer v1.15.1 (SL 1.21.6)Attached to left hand412b free
[19:41] Emilee's Ring: Emilee's owner is Jacquelin Mazi
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Confirmation: register, 0, Success
19:41] You decline Hanukkah lights (star of David lights) from A group member named Noam Sprocket.
[19:41] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only whispers: Emilee Gackt attached MoRestraintHUD
Now that I know what to look for, I am sure that rent will be late less often and thank goodness I saw this! I was on my last day of rent and Mistress would have been much less than amused if I missed paying it again.
If pre-Mistress Emilee saw current Emilee's blog, I am sure she would have been sure that all these things were impossible for her to do. All the writing, the punishments, the huge challenges, etc. The old Emilee would have given up long ago. The way I am meaning this - what is in my mind right now - is that Mistress is so good at what she does and is such a quality person in general that she has made this impossible thing a very possible reality for me.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
[2008/12/09 22:29] SubZero Felwitch: if the Emilee from the time before you met Mistress would read your blog, what would she think?
He was on his way out when he asked this so I suggested that I put my answer here.
The pre-Mistress Emilee? That seems so long ago. It is hard to imagine things in SL without Mistress. The affect she has had on me in SL and RL has been profound. I need to try to remember who I was with then and what I was doing.
I spent most of my SL time on account that is now closed. I had a dear friend and I craved time with her and she was the most depressing person I have ever met. I felt completely wrung out after being with her. I was realizing this just as I met Mistress. THAT Emilee would be very glad to read the blog and see a challenging fulfilling relationship.
On the other hand, the RL Emilee would be shocked. My goodness, the time I devote to Mistress and the brain power I put to her assignments is just huge!
The pre-Mistress Emilee was much more easily fascinated by things in SL and Mistress has ruined all other dominants in SL for me. Not that I mind or have a problem with that of course. Other dominants in SL are just irrelevant to me at this point.
The pre-Mistress Emilee would be amazed at the amount of work that has been put into the blog and just shocked at the content I am sure. No one in my SL past has asked me to do anything in RL, even something so simple as a blog. That was where Mistress started of course and now she is in my mind almost constantly.
The pre-Mistress Emilee would not believe the level of control she has yielded to Mistress. She owns my entire SL, including what I do when I am at the keyboard. Other dominants might say the same thing but she has truly achieved it with me.
I am going to ponder this question a bit more and perhaps put more here about it. It is certainly an interesting concept to consider.
Long ago - in September - Mistress got an IM from a girl who named herself 'Tapegirl.' She had the most absurd profile. No... absurd isn't right and just sounds mean. It was so far fetched though but Mistress gave her a fair conversation and, as the saying goes, gave her enough rope to hang herself with. She (Tapegirl) and I had a few conversations and I could just tell that this girl would flake on us. Call it intuition, instinct, cynicism...
Mistress is so fair to people to give people like Tapegirl a chance at serving such a strong Mistress. In my mind people like her are - this is going to sound SO elitist - not worthy of Mistress and her time and attention. Of course that assumes I AM worthy and there are so many problems with that...
- Assuming is a form of the T word which I've been forbidden to do or to use
- Who am I to decide if I am worthy of her time and attention?
- Who was I to decide that Tapegirl was not worthy?
- Who am I to decide who Mistress should spend time on?
- So on and so on...
I told Mistress about the Christmas gifts at Ivalde. For some reason I am not as disappointed at what she said as I expected I would be. It is fun to get new things but part of the fun is to have someone to share them with and Mistress doesn't much care for skirts, so that just leaves Jan and the fun of going to get free stuff. Mistress said that I can do that vicariously through Jan, which is fine for me, at least for now. Maybe I am just too tired to be disappointed or maybe I am finally starting to get it.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
By the way, I got wireless working again by just rebooting. It is bothersome to me that computers are so inconsistant. Wifi worked fine until I rebooted -> it decides to quit -> I rebooted -> it decides to work. I'm surprised any computer any where actually does what it is supposed to.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
There is an amazing number of things she can control and one of them is whether I can see names. When she restricts that, everything anyone says is listed in chat as:
[9:49] A person pats your head
[9:49] A person: good luck
It is very odd to feel so separate from everything and everyone - I can't see names, 'A person.'
I ID'd a problem I've been having. The type of love that I feel for Mistress is different than how I feel about others, like Jan for example. It is a matter of HOW I love Mistress that makes my place before her what it is and it is easy to confuse her for a friend or sister and begin to expect her to do the kinds of things that friends and sisters do.
It makes me feel disappointed in a way that I'll never have that with Mistress. It is as if we are intimately close but still at arm's length from each other but at the same time, if we shared that type of love for each other we'd be nothing more than playing a game and so it makes me glad that I've realized this and that we have what we have as it is. I feel some pride at that and fear that I will flub again but really, that is probably true of everyone - that doubt and fear. I hope it is at least.
Mistress zapped me more times than I can remember today. I never faltered but I wondered where the will to zap myself comes from. She talked about it being helplessness, a need, vulnerability. It is so strangely compelling that I hate that but not only will I do it but that it makes me feel closer to her.
When she left last night I started work on a few things, one of which was updating my viewer. I couldn't delete the old file that I need to get rid because Windows said I needed permission. It wouldn't let me paste the new file over the old one either, no matter what I tried. Finally I rebooted and it worked just fine - I got the new viewer installed and it works just fine.
I went to login to SL again to do a few more things and couldn't connect because I had no Internet connection. I called Cox and they said it must be the wireless box that isn't working so I looked at that and it requires a security code, which I typed in. Nothing happened for a few minutes and then it said something like 'It is taking an unusually long time to connect.'
There is no way I don't have the correct code. I was looking at a piece of paper that had this written on it:
Wireless Security Code: 6xx5xx3xxx.
I called cox this morning and asked how to connect without the wireless system and now here I am, late with my blog, annoyed and probably in trouble but why doesn't my stupid wireless work all of a sudden?
Now the blog...
I believe that I had a misunderstanding. Looking back at it, it is more likely that a didn't pass a little test, since everything that Mistress does seems to have a point.
Last week sometime - Sunday maybe? - Mistress said this:
[2:34] Jacquelin Mazi: 2 chores for the week....
She then listed the two chores. I took that to mean she was being nice and giving me an easy week and that these two were the only chores I'd need to do and so these WERE the only chores I did.
Last night she asked if I did any of my regular chores and I instantly knew I had flubbed it. Regardless of she was looking for I had lost the opportunity to impress with doing a little extra for her.
I keep getting a little pop up that says Windows needs my wireless key to connect. I know already! Sheesh!
I still crave seeing Mistress and am glad I did, even when I see her so briefly.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: its not your birthday.... its not christmas..... maybe it is about Kwanza I think.... but..... either way
[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: you're Mine.....
[1:02] Jacquelin Mazi: you own nothing that I do not allow
So no more gifts unless Mistress allows it. Her reasoning is that if someone just gives me whatever I want, I will have no motivation to earn anything and to me it makes sense but I am sure that there are some people - and one in particular - who will find this rule at the very least a nuisance and probably extreme and just mean. To that person, whoever she may be, I have this to say...
You are one of the most true and loyal friends I have made in this world or the other that I sometimes visit and I thank you for being so patient and sacrificing so much just for a bit of MLE time. You are a dear and I know that when Mistress gives me a rule it applies to us both in a way. That you endure with me makes you one of the very best.
Here is a bullet pointed list of things that Mistress and I discussed, some of which are inappropriate to mention here so they've been edited.
- I am not so sick and lame in the leg that she is going to have me shot.
- Rxxxxxxx is happy and is done with Pxxxxx and or Pxxxx.
- I need to mind my Ps and Qs, lest something terrible may happen.
- Subzero and I need to chat ASAP.
- Mistress and I are quite happy together with each other.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
[19:16] Bluezy Bleac is Online
[19:16] VISTA AO GIRL3 v2008: 3130 bytes free
[19:16] Purple Rose VINE EARRING RIGHT black: Purple Rose Jewelry. Type /2help for a summary of the commands.
[19:16] Purple Rose VINE EARRING LEFT black: Purple Rose Jewelry. Type /2help for a summary of the commands.
[19:16] Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS): Gackty Diamond Butterfly Belly Ring(PELVIS) is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Script run-time error[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only [script:Leash Script]: Stack-Heap Collision[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Registering with the Relay Server
[19:16] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Say: "egzptoys help" for HELP
[19:16] the heart of a gackty slave: Your key holder is offline.
[19:16] Emilee's Ring: RLV Relay v004: RLV Relay is ON (auto-accept)
[19:16] Emilee's Ring: Hello Emilee, RR support version 007, (12921 bytes free)
[19:16] emilee's clit: emilee's clit is locked by Jacquelin Mazi
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is running RestrainedLife viewer v1.14.2 (SL 1.21.6)
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: RLV support v031 - RestrainedLife viewer v1.14.2 (SL 1.21.6)Attached to left hand412b free
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Emilee's owner is Jacquelin Mazi
[19:17] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only: Confirmation: register, 0, Success
[19:17] Side Hinge Collar with Front Ring Only whispers: Emilee Gackt attached MoRestraintHUD
[19:17] You decline WRONG MAIN STORE in AlterNation from A group member named Kaysha Sion.
[19:17] Emilee's Ring: Owner Jacquelin Mazi is offline
All this appears everytime I login to SL. I'm being login spammed!
I'm blogging and SLing at the same time! I'm with Jan mostly just chatting things over for the first time in forever.
She's just decided that I need a new outfit, courtesy of Scramble. What a fun friend she is!