Saturday, January 31, 2009

Projects C and B and no A

Project C:
She logged in just in time to see her owner leave for work with a promise of some time when she comes back.

Project B:
Logged in and her owner gave her a one time offer of freedom with no repercussions. She declined (which I felt was quite brave of her) and is stuck in a box. From what she told me it will probably be her permanent home. Her owner said that her cuffs would soon be welded on so she asked just to get it done with. Her owner declined and said something like 'all in good time.'

My guess: she wants to see some fear and trembling from Project B first. She wants Project B to really feel the meaning of having her cuffs welded in place, to dread it before it actually happens and regret it once it does.

Her owner has made a few menacing promises - in the box pretty much forever and now she might have to wear a hood permanently. Project B seems to have a mix of dread and eagerness about it all, like she wants it and doesn't want it. Either way she needs to be more aware of and open with her feelings. Sound familiar? Sometimes fiction is stranger than the truth. No wait... the truth is stranger this time.

Friday, January 30, 2009

3 projects...

Mistress has given me three projects to look after in my spare time. We're calling them Projects A, B and C. We spent lots of time on the names and really I feel like it shows. The names are descriptive but not too long. Really they seem just perfect.

Project A got off to an inauspicious start tonight. Sims weren't available and so she landed in goodness knows what sim and heard from no one. Typical SL, isn't it? (This is my way of saying that I need some time to get creative and really come up with something good).

Projects B and C have been started but no new progress has been made yet.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A short note this time...

One of my favorite things is when Mistress gives me a peek at her humanity. Sometimes it is a chink in her armour and I get an unintended glimpse and other times she gives me the luxury of seeing her as a real, fragile human being.

I feel drawn to her when she lets me in like that. I feel grateful and honored and I feel that it is a privilege that must be protected along with the bit of her she has exposed. Each hint, each clue she gives me is a gift and a puzzle piece and the more I know her the more things fall into place with her and with us.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Doing a little profile 'house cleaning'

Mistress has asked me to restore my profile and given me some guidance on how she'd like it, including picks, a few details here and there and what groups to display.

It just occurred to me that most of my groups have really no meaning to me. A few are there for practical reasons (KamRain Bay Residence group and the Restrained Life group for example) and I have some that I kept for freebies (Ivalde).

Oops. I just got kicked out of SL. I hate that. Minding my own business, working on my profile and they tell me "You have been logged out of SL." Well how about an explanation? Maybe an apology or some kind of advance notice? Sheesh. Anyway...

It is odd to me that most of my groups have nothing at all to do with me and who I am and what I enjoy. When I first began this, the conclusion was going to be that 'I left these groups and joined these.' But now I am faced with my familiar conundrum of fearing to take too much liberty with something. I believe that this time I will err on the side of doing something rather than doing nothing.

I am leaving the groups that I feel are no longer relevant - I have one from as ski shop for goodness sake - and I will keep the important one and the the ones that are 'me' but the others will be deleted.

Ugh. Sometimes I make things so difficult for myself. I was deleting the groups that aren't 'me' and with a stray mouse click, I removed myself from Mistress' group. Twice! It was an innocent mistake but a sloppy one that could have been avoided quite easily. It happened because:

  • I was sloppy
  • When you delete a group, the remaining groups 'slide' up or down, depending on where you are in the list or...
  • ... the list 'reloads' and displays from them all starting with 'None' at the top of the list but the selected group is not necessarily visible
  • I was too easily confused
  • I wasn't focusing enough on what I was doing
  • I wasn't being careful

I rejoined (twice) but I am sure that I'll be hearing about this. when we first met, Mistress said something like 'You are your own worst enemy.' She was right then and would be right now.

So now that I've left the groups I wanted to and re-joined the one I need to (twice), I will start looking for better groups to be a part of. Ones that are 'me.' One of the very few shows I watch on TV is The Office and there is a Dunder Mifflin Paper group in SL. I like to read so I am in the Bantam Dell Book Cafe group. These are groups that will be a reflection of me and my tastes and interests. These are the types of groups that really deserve a spot on my profile.

After today, maybe I should look for some klutz recovery groups.

A slow start

Or is it better called a re-start?

I sat for a long time, waiting for Mistress and I began to wonder what I would do if I logged in at a time that I was not likely to see her, like when she would be at work.

I decided that I really wasn't sure.
  • Shopping is different now since all I have comes from her. Maybe it would be better to say that all I will get comes from her and she allows me to keep what I already have.
  • Scramble is different too. It seems frivolous somehow and just like with shopping, the money I win wouldn't really be mine anyway.
  • Helping newbies seems noble enough but it is hard to be proactive with that; it is more a waiting game so to speak. If someone were to ask, I would devote all that I could to helping.

I don't really want to wait for Mistress to tell me what is allowed and disallowed but I at the same time I feel like I need a nudge (or a kick?) in the right direction. I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to nudge myself.

It doesn't much help that the time zone I am in is soooo far from the US, especially the east coast. Oh well.

This post is much more negative than I intended it to sound. let me summarize and see if I can put a more positive spin on it.

I'm not quite sure how to start again and I don't want to wait for Mistress to tell just what to do. Because she deserves more than a robot, I need to get myself motivated and be proactive about being pleasing to her.

I am still haunted (sounds dramatic, doesn't it?) by the need to constantly be typing mantras.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


A bane's profile is pretty blank, just stating only the most basic facts. Reinstating everything to be like it was is turing out to be more than just copying and pasting. Something that simple implies picking up where I left off before.

It is different now and it seems like the change in me deserves a new profile. It isn't so easy though. It isn't my profile, it belongs to Mistress.

I guess if it were mine, I'd probably change the text on the main page of it, maybe do a pick and delete the rest. Maybe just leaving it all blank is more of a symbol that it doesn't belong to me - a symbol to me at least.

I have got to be making this too hard. I don't want to have endured that awful suit and appear to have emerged the same as I was going in. I don't know... I'll ask Mistress what she would like in her slave's profile.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I am finally out but not really free at all...

As it got closer and closer, she counted down my time from about 17 minutes:

Time Remaining is: 17min 10sec
Time Remaining is: 10min 0sec
Time Remaining is: 8min 5sec
Time Remaining is: 5min 15sec
Time Remaining is: 4min 25sec
Time Remaining is: 2min 5sec

and then...

Time Remaining is: 3days 0hr

I felt shock at first. Doesn't SHE want me out of this suit too? Isn't it a punishment for us both?

Then I was just surprised that she would be so cruel. But my perception of her being cruel... wouldn't that involve the dreaded T-word? So I decided to just have it be another three days in the suit. I forced myself not to look ahead, to just look at the 'now' of it and be hopeful and obedient. The challenge with this was that sometimes Mistress wants to see me struggle with things and to suffer. Goodness that is an ugly word. There is learning and growing in suffering; she doesn't have me suffer for the sake of cruelty. It is the opposite. She has me suffer so I will be closer to her. If you aren't me you will probably never understand that.

[11:06] Emilee Gackt: If you truly mean for me to stay another three days in this suit I will of course do it and I would do it even if it wasn't locked on. I will hate every moment of it and will type my mantras and I will miss you desperately. I will miss you as much as I hate this wretched suit.
[11:08] Emilee Gackt: You have taken away my anger, my confusion, my frustration... all I can do is what you tell me to do.
[11:09] Emilee Gackt resists her feelings at first and then begins to softly weep.
[11:10] Jacquelin Mazi holds you very tightly kissing your nose lightly: " you have made me very proud... I am glad to have my lil gackty girly back finally"

This one one of the times where she melted me with just a few words. I felt such relief at being let go and at being so cared about and cared for. I was just overhwelmed that it was over, just like that and that there was affection and care and love waiting for me.

After it ended she asked me to lie in the bed with her. She was explaining a few things and then:

[11:43] Jacquelin Mazi: this moment here... is the point

It is about her and me, together happily. She leads and I follow.

The magic number

[1:07] Jacquelin Mazi: you have 6 hours and 15 minutes remaining in your sentence

1:07 am SL time + 6:15 = 7:22 am SL time if I stay connected until then. That would be... about... 11:22 pm my time.

[1:14] Jacquelin Mazi: I approve of your recent blogs... they show signs of learning and understanding.... it is difficult to disobey now hm?

If she only knew how I feel... but then that's my job isn't it? To MAKE her know how I feel?

[1:16] Emilee Gackt begins quickly and instantly to agree and is called away by her mantra. "Disobedience = distance Mistress. It equals pain and loss and hurt. I've been a bad person and I am grateful for your patience and wisdom. I owe you much more than obedience."

Difficult? No. It is impossible to disobey.

[1:18] Jacquelin Mazi: The closer you get to the end of your sentence Bane E-8186... the more your own rebellious nature will vanish...... with each tick of the clock you become more and more Mine... without the hint of resistance and without a moments hesitation.... action and reaction... from your heart.... instinct.... no willpower at all hm?

Is she asking me or telling me? No willpower? That sounds a bit sinister but my willpower has been replaced with a desire to be what she wants me to be and who she wants. To be that person, willpower has to be made irrelevant.

[1:33] Emilee Gackt looks into your eyes through her fogged helmet. "I have been touched by you Mistress, by your kindness and wisdom and grace. I was so worried about messing up today and you saved me. I remember so long ago how I looked forward to feeling the way I do now and here it is, finally and so much of what I feel is gratitude. I am full of wonder and longing. I feel refreshed and new and I love you Mistress."

Oh great. I am this close and SL decides to restart the region I've been plunked into. Bugger SL.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


My big activity these days is typing mantras. I have one minute to type in one of about 8 or 9 phrases that Mistress feels will help me. They must be typed correctly or it doesn't count.
  • Case sensitive
  • No extra space
  • Typed in the right channel
  • Spelling definitely counts

Once it pops up in chat, I have 1 minute to type it in and as the timer counts down, it displays it in chat:

[13:55] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: Please repeat the following phrase on your designated channel 8186. I am eager to share my feelings with others.

[13:55] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 55 seconds left...

[13:55] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 50 seconds left...

[13:55] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 45 seconds left...

[13:55] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: Well done. Good behaviour may reduce sentence time

As it counts down I get these little light sparkles that swirl around me every five seconds. For some reason I am more acutely aware of them than I have been. They are adding to the stress of this all of a sudden. It is like Mistress is there, going 'tick tock gackty' how she sometimes does.

I guess if she is offline, a surrogate Mistress is better than none.

I still REALLY hate it when blogger decides to make things double space. I can't fix it or change it; it just is what it is. Stupid thing is more unbending than Mistress is. I am a slave to them both. Powerless, no control, hopeful...

Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm finally going to finish this

It is the weekend in Manila (very late Friday night) and I've decided that I am going to finish my time in this suit this weekend. Mistress has allowed me this goal and so it seems right that I should pursue it vigirously. I have really no idea how much time I have left. It could be 20 hours or 3. I'll have to find out by finding out.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Nothing besides obey

My goodness I'm tired right now.

All I have in SL is the ability to obey. I can't not obey.

It's funny that when this idea occurred to me I really felt that I had no choice but to obey. In my head, all I had was this idea that I have no choice, that I don't own the ability to disobey any more.

It didn't occur to me that it is a choice for a few minutes. I logged in and began typing then realized that it is a choice. I guess if my first reaction - my instinct? - was that I don't have a choice but to obey then that is what is in my heart. Right?

Such a seemingly simple thought but it has filled my head in the absence of anything else to do or consider. It is good news, it is a little scary, it is a bit embarrassing.

From the start Mistress talked about brainwashing. That seems like such an odious term but the concept behind it is turning out to be more accurate than I'd have guessed.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I'm just completely confused by this one...

[8:55] Jacquelin Mazi: (Saved Wed Jan 21 09:14:06 2009) the rent is due in a couple of days.....

I logged in at 8:55 and SL saved the message from Mistress at 9:14. If I am reading it right, I logged in and got this IM from Mistress before she left it. I am sure I will never be able to compensate for time zones.

Mistress has me very restricted:

[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to send IM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to receive IM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to detach this from the left hand
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to sit >1.5m
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to stand once seated
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to use Inventory
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to read notecards
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to remove clothes
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to touch far objects
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see worldmap
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see location
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly

I haven't taken her seriously enough in the past. The only reason I ever could do all these things is because she allowed it. When I AM able to do these things again it will be because she allows it. I am as anxious for that day as I am fearful of it. All of a sudden, all these things seem like privileges and it is scary to admit that. I can only do very simple, very basic things because she allows me to and my ability to do any of them might be lost in an instant.

I feel:
  • Childish, as if I am not smart enough to decide on my own what I should or shouldn't do.
  • Embarrassed that she took these from me in the first place.
  • An urge to earn these things back and then protect my ability to do them.
  • Like I've been selfish with Mistress for far too long.
  • Bad for people like Jan. If I had been what Mistress wanted me to be (and I easily could have) I wouldn't have deprived Jan of our friendship for so long.

Enough of all this me, me, me and I, I, I. How about I start considering how Mistress feels for once? What a shock.

She must feel:

  • I am for some reason worth all this trouble. I mustn't disagree with her but I'm not sure I agree.
  • I will never learn. I mustn't disagree with her but this time I am sure I disagree.
  • She has deserved better from me from the very start.
  • As much impatience with me as patience.

I was lucky to find her and I will treat her how she deserves to be treated.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The life of a slave

... can be very boring. Just waiting, typing lines... that's it really.

I am starting to see that even though that is all I 'do' - all the activity that there is for me, I can add to it. I am in this suit for Mistress which makes it a good thing. She knows what is best and so the time I spend in this suit is producing a better, stronger, smarter Emilee for Mistress.

If I am better for her, and smarter and stronger, my life in SL can only get better. I won't need constant reminders and I will take advice and suggestions to heart, like the one from yesterday about being a robot. I hate that I (for some reason) didn't give Mistress any creativity in the way I was expressing myself. The way I expressed emotion was nearly empty of emotion.

She's changed that. It was such a simple question but for some reason I was blinded to it. Thank goodness it was just a question she asked and not an essay or some such. It was kind of her to help me with it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Before and after a simple question

Mistress has a gift for getting right to the heart of things without letting on what she is doing or asking. Every question she asks is potentially terrifying.

[10:14] Jacquelin Mazi: I wonder... are you a robot?

I was at a loss and felt an urge to answer quickly and with something at least a little intelligent sounding. In other words I thought. I answered that I was not and she pointed out that even though I was expressing emotion with nearly every sentence I typed, the way that I was expressing myself was as dull as a butter knife:

[9:39] Emilee Gackt feels foolish.
[9:42] Emilee Gackt feels more nervous.
[9:44] Emilee Gackt feels loss.
[9:49] Emilee Gackt feels confused and worried.

She deserves better from me and I am certainly capable of giving it to her.

[10:25] Emilee Gackt senses a wave of regret...
[10:27] Emilee Gackt trembles at your sudden outburst...
[10:28] Emilee Gackt melts like a burning candle...

All of a sudden things are more colorful. I actually FEEL more when I describe what I feel more vividly. All of a sudden expressing emotion is so simple and so natural. Act and react to what is presented to me. What do I feel, really? Taking the time to put things into more detail helps me FEEL the details.

Mistress is an amazing person.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


Mistress sometimes asks me to do things that are unpleasant to me, to say things that she knows I am not comfortable saying. She sometimes calls me things that are kind of awful.

She has a plan for me even though I might not get it or see it immediately. It is unfolding terribly slowly.

She does these things not because she knows that I hate them but because she enjoys having me obey her. It sounds so simple and sometimes it is and other times it has been impossible for me. I feel sure that I have been able to change that. Mistress took me close to doing something I'd have hated and then relented but only once I had agreed with myself that doing it would be best for me, so that I would please her. I feel like I'll probably do it anyway, as hard as it will be.

She'll know I love her.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


[10:18] Jacquelin Mazi nods slipping out without a word to leave you to your mantra and feelings and my words to consider

It has taken so long for me to begin to understand. I won't say that the time I've been with Mistress has been a waste. That is far from what I feel. It has been a privilege to know her. I wish I'd been more open a few months ago so that right now I'd be closer to her.

I wish I'd appreciated the freedoms that I was given for what they were. They were gifts from Mistress and I was silly with them. I tried to find loopholes and ways around her rules. No wonder I am in this awful suit. I honestly believe this is helpful. I know it is.

I feel like a child and a parent at the same time. I feel foolish for being punished and regret of course but I can so clearly see the wisdom in all this. All the pain and frustration sort of purged what needed to be purged. Mistress wants me full of her ideals and and her words, not full of my planning and scheming. The idea of that is irresistible to me.

I'm not sure children feel this but I am full of love for Mistress for what she is doing to me. It is hard and lonely and boring sometimes. I guess those are the times when I am not focusing on her. Being in this suit isn't so bad when I really stop to consider what the outcome of this will be. I am motivated to go on by the possibility that I can make her happy by enduring this.

When I was first locked in, I was motivated only to complain and beg for her to let me out. If she had, I'd have learned nothing. Because she didn't I will be able to be closer to her when the time comes. For now I love her from within this suit.

I was just logged out of SL. "The region you are standing in is going down." I guess I didn't see those chat messages they send because of the suit? If I log in again, where will I end up?


I ended up right where I was in the first place.
My mother is not to blame, I did this to myself.
This is a hard one; I've never felt like I've blamed her really. I've just widened the distance between us and maybe held a grudge (that I really should get over) but I've always felt like the way things are is the way things are. Blaming her or anyone is moot. On the other hand, Mistress has a unique perspective about me and my feelings and has always been able to get right to the heart of the matter.
This one sometimes shows up 2 or 3 times in a row but from what I can tell, the order of the mantra is randomized. Strange.
Now I need to blame my mother for me blaming her.

Service is its own reward.
I'm not sure I quite get this one. Maybe I'd be more enthusiastic if it was 'Serving Mistress is its own reward.' That is much more tangible to me and of course more meaningful.

Trying to hide my feelings only earns me more punishment.
It has always been hard for me to open up to people. That's just who my life has made me. Events build who we are and the events that I have lived have made me more solitary than most people. I hate it. I want people to know me and I want to confide in people and learn to trust more freely. Mistress keeps asking for this and I keep being too scared or habitual to break from my past and give her what she wants. In this case, what she wants is what I want but still I make it difficult for both of us.

I love Mistress Jacquelin.
I can only guess why this one was included. It seems so obvious so there must be something deeper to it. If she reinforces it like this, I can't help but remember it when I am faced with options that might draw me closer or take me further from her. It is something that I have given her so to be forced to say it almost makes it less sincere. I've loved her when I've been at my worst and at my best. I love that when I've been so up and down, she's been so consistent.

I've been in SL for about an hour. Mantra count so far:
I love Mistress Jacquelin: 1
My mother is not to blame, I did this to myself: 3
Service is its own reward: 1
Trying to hide my feelings only earns me more punishment: 2

Friday, January 16, 2009

Feeling more calm

I guess I am realizing that even though Mistress has let me see the end of this and has allowed me a goal, things won't change much. I even find myself hoping they don't.

There is an odd kind of security in this, in knowing what happens next, in knowing and seeing so clearly that Mistress has a plan for me. I don't want that to disappear when I am out of this suit. I want to keep feeling what I'm feeling right now and keep this clarity and sense of purpose.

I don't want to be so passive that Mistress needs to tell me exactly what to do and when. I want to be respectful and obedient but not a zombie. It would be so much easier if I could read her mind but then I'd just be a zombie I guess.


There is a balance I am looking for, somewhere between bane and zombie. In a way I so don't want to leave this suit but right now it is one of so few things that I do want very desperately.

What I felt today

I didn't see Mistress today and so I was disappointed of course but not just because I didn't see her. Last time it really felt like we had some progress. I guess it was 'me' and not 'we' who progressed but either way, I was captivated by it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I can finally feel something

I feel:

  • ...hope and am glad that I am able and allowed to.
  • ...progress.
  • I am going to get it.
  • ...closer to getting it than I ever have.

This is much more weighty than these few words make it seem. I can feel things change and feel and end to this awful suit. I've been allowed a goal of getting out and I can allow myself to see the end of this.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Fearful and hesitant

I don't want to let myself believe that I got closer to it today because I don't want a setback. I want to belong to Mistress utterly but to admit that I do has such frightful implications.
  • She would truly control what I do
  • She would tell me when to do it, who with and so on
  • I really would have only the ability to act and react, no thinking - just pure 'me'
  • Mistress would own every part of me in SL
  • REALLY truly own it

It is hard to let someone in that deeply. Actually it HAS been hard and now it seems more like sliding down a steep hill. I have this idea of what is at the bottom but something tells me that when I land in a messy heap that it will be different than what I imagined.

Not sure what this means

All these feelings I'm having are being forced to grow so quickly, like they are being forced out of me and then so quickly beaten down. I guess I just feel numbed by everything that I feel. Completely overloaded to the point of either not realizing what I feel or not caring.

Not realizing what I feel ---> permanently in bane suit
Not caring ---> permanently in bane suit
Sorting out what I feel and interpreting it all ---> permanently in bane suit
Coming to grips with my real status ---> permanently in bane suit

I've lost sight of the end of this. Again.

Do I try to trust in Mistress that this is best for me (---> permanently in bane suit) or do I simply exist like this because she put me here (---> permanently in bane suit)?

This sounds like grumbling or complaining but I don't feel like it is. Grumbling or complaining has intent, at least for me. I complain as a persuader, to try to get something. Right now there is nothing to get. There is only existing here, typing lines.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

An error free hour

When Mistress logs in get this brief flutter in my stomach. I always have. I see that blue box pop up and my mind sort of clamors for a moment, wondering if everything is as it should be for her.

The days I don't see her are of course a disappointment. No fluttering, no clamoring but she is still with me and I am here for her.

Today I missed Mistress, the clamoring and the fluttering but at least things got no worse for me. If all I do is stand here alone and do my mantras, I have a hope of this ending for me, no matter how long it takes.

Monday, January 12, 2009

A final solution?

That title sounds so ominous.

[9:07] Jacquelin Mazi: I am tired of asking how you feel... from this day forward, you are [only?]allowed to emote unless I instruct otherwise, and within these emotes you will share your feelings with me for the moment... whatever it is whenever it is however often you ... 'feel' like doing it

I've made my SL very cumbersome for myself but even more, I've made it frustrating for Mistress.

How can I keep logging in knowing in advance that I am going to make things worse? I should be pleased at the chance to please Mistress and I know that with my best effort, I will fail her and she will be given less than she deserves. I want to give her success and triumph and I give her loss and pain.

I hate this suit but I know that I deserve it.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The way things REALLY are

I don't like being in this bane suit again but it is livable for now. I guess I've gotten used to the idea as a temporary way of existing. What I really hate is having done this to myself and having caused Mistress to have to do it to me.

It's like grade school and having the mindset that a teacher gives you a grade rather than having taken the responsibility of earning a grade. This wasn't given to me; I earned it.

I don't like being in this suit but it doesn't matter:
  • A slave's feelings aren't relevant
  • I brought this on myself

It wouldn't matter even if I hadn't earned this. A salve has no right to grumble or complain and neither does a slave.

A more advanced student of slavery might say that I am wrong about the point above (this is a guess by the way). If I have truly given myself to someone it would go beyond my feelings not being relevant; it would mean that my feelings belong to Mistress, not to me. It doesn't matter if I hurt, am lonely, ashamed... it matters that Mistress owns those feelings. It was so abstract before. She has a right to what belongs to her and I have no right to withhold it.

I've sent Mistress a few emails (long, deep ones that hurt to write) and a few assignments that were due and have received nothing in reply. At first I was hurt that there was nothing in my inbox. I don't own that - the right to be hurt is a privilege. I must keep on as I am, not complaining. That has nothing to do with being a bane again. It is more - all - about being a slave and owning nothing.

I was late on rent again a few days ago. Thank goodness we've been in the house long enough that Rain holds it for us. There is also probably a good bit of luck that no one came along and rented it out from under us. Mistress said that we almost lost our house. It would have been more proper for her to say that I almost lost her house.

I don't like this suit but I hate that I earned it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I wasn't paying attention

[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 55 seconds left...
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 50 seconds left...
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: That's not quite right. Check the phrase and try again.
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 45 seconds left...
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 40 seconds left...
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 35 seconds left...
[23:23] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 30 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 25 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 20 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 15 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 10 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: That's not quite right. Check the phrase and try again.
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 5 seconds left...
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: Failure to repeat the required phrase in time.
[23:24] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: Violation: E-8186 failed to repeat the mantra 'The chains that bind us are only the chains that we've made.'. Current score is 73/77

I didn't realize until too late that I had flubbed this one. I really hate this but I really believe I deserve it. That's not a bad mantra, is it?

More from the bane brain

I remember the first time I was banished in May what a lift it was when Mistress would visit me. I couldn't talk but I could still use gestures. I sent her a 'Please' gesture. It was futile of course and I ponder that now and feel the same hopelessness - there is an end to this in sight but it is so far away that it might as well be permanent at this point.

My goodness I sound pathetic. Everything is coming out much more victim-y than I mean it to.

I had another idea that maybe this is too much for me. Maybe I am too high in RL to be so low in SL, that I am not cut out to be a slave. Kind of ironic, isn't it? How different things would be if I had stumbled on to this kind of relationship 11 or 12 years ago, before SL was even a glimmer. There are RL choices that I have that so strongly affect my SL slavery. My challenge is to eliminate those choices voluntarily since there really is no way for Mistress to truly own them. I have to give them to her and then live my life in a way that reflects that. It is too easy for me go my own way and do what I please.

On the other hand...

My SL with Mistress is too much to give up. I need to find a way to let her control the RL parts of me that apply to all of SL, which she owns totally.

I had a visit from someone today:

[10:35] Some people: ...
[10:36] Some people: ..
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:37] Emilee Gackt: ..
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:38] Some people: ...
[10:39] Some people: ...
[10:40] Some people: ...
[10:41] Some people: ...

I was surprised that she was so persistent in trying to talk to me but then again, I'm not sure what she saw in chat. I'm not sure if she knew what I saw in chat.

There is a goal in most things and with Mistress and in this kind of relationship this is it:
[11:20] Jacquelin Mazi: you sound as if you are finally breaking.... after so many months

'Too good to be true' comes to mind but not in the way it usually does. I mean it like what Mistress said is too good for me. This will be an odd paragraph for anyone other than Mistress and I to understand, I'm sure. I am having an internal struggle with myself over what I deserve from her in SL and what I have just taken from her. I deserve nothing from her but I have taken much while giving little in return. I've been selfish with her.

This seemed unfair at first

[1:04] BaneHelmet(sk) v1.261: 1 recent violations have increased the sentence of prisoner E-8186 by 1hr 0min.Total violations during sentence = 1

This was one of two things:
Thing 1: I had a stray mouseclick (I meant to click an IM box and hit just below instead). It was interpreted as an attempt to interact with the environment.
Thing 2: Some dumb bane came stumbling towards me, probably reading Mistress' profile. I tried to move away but I can barely walk. You would think that the bozo would have gotten the point.

I hate this but I deserve this.

Friday, January 9, 2009

I finally heard from Subway

More waiting, standing, being alone. That sounds more desperate than I meant it to. It isn't so bad so far; that is just what I've been doing.

I was finally able to be online at the same time as Subway and he sent an IM which was of course blocked. Oh well, perhaps next time depending on the progress I make.

I've done it again

[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see location
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to touch far objects
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see worldmap
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to use Inventory
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to read notecards
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to stand once seated
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to remove clothes
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to sit >1.5m
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to rez from inventory
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may TP to Friends for only A person
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to receive IM's
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may receive IM's from A person
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to send IM's
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may send IM's to A person
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may see chat from A person
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[12:03] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may rez from inventory

Mistress' punishments usually seem fair to me and I guess that is still true. They have always been fair and sometimes they have been extreme. Lots of lines and essays and such but really, the severity isn't the issue, the issue is that I have earned the punishment.

Part of why this works with me with Mistress is the contrast between us. I would never have answered this question like this, no matter who asked it or why.

[12:18] Emilee Gackt: May I ask a question please Mistress?
[12:18] Jacquelin Mazi: yes
[12:18] Emilee Gackt: Will I punished for proximitiy violations?
[12:18] Jacquelin Mazi smiles

I'd have explained things and advised caution. Mistress explained that I would learn soon enough whether I'd be punished.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

This is going to sound like a complaint but truly it isn't; I will re word it a few times to try and make it sound less whiny.

  • It is getting hard, sitting alone typing lines and waiting for Mistress.
  • It is hard for me to stay focused when I am waiting for Mistress at the odd times that I log in these days.
  • It is hard for me to even stay awake, let alone stay focused, while I am waiting for Mistress and typing lines.

Maybe it isn't so much staying alert and awake that I should work on; maybe it is having to type all these lines in the first place. I'm am very nearly done with them either way.

It looks like Desire has turned out to be a scaredy-cat; she hasn't been online for a week or so and hasn't IM'd or sent a note from mom or anything. Subway has been on more recently but I haven't heard from him, although he has been sick. What a sad thing to be sick over the holidays.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

From Subway's blog:

I read in Emilee's blog that she is finding it a bit hard to talk to me. The first time we met I thought we had great talks, but I agree to a certain point that it has been a bit strange the last few times. Maybe it's because our “relationship” isn't exactly crystal clear defined. At first she did this interview thing for Mistress, but now what? One part of me thinks that she should hate me for coming here and taking attention from Mistress, but I know that it's not true.

I am sure that what he says is very true; it is simply a matter of spending time together getting to know each other better and my goodness the last thing in the world is that I would be upset for someone taking attention away from Mistress. Mistress would say that she will give her attention to whom she likes and not to worry about who gets it. A slave shouldn't worry herself about such things as that.

So... once Subway recovers and logs in again, perhaps we can get on with getting along? Otherwise I predict that both of us will be typing lines. Ack!

I haven't seen Mistress for a few days. I am paying my visits to SL Jan-style, where I sleep from 7 or 8 at night until 1 AM and then login to wait for Mistress. I know she's been busy but it is still hard not knowing if she'll be online when I drag myself out of bed just when my sleep is getting good. Jan is truly a dear friend to have endured that for me even once.

Monday, January 5, 2009

I need to get these time differences figured out. I spent my time online tonight waiting and writing more lines (yes, MORE lines; I guess I have more to figure out than just time zones).
I am sure that even my mild alexithymia has nothing to do with how difficult it is to express sympathy. That is something that will always be difficult, no matter what. It isn't so much that I don't feel pain along with someone I care about; it is more that I don't know how to show properly. I spent the first third of my life being told that what ever I felt was wrong so having to show and share my feelings with someone in pain is a challenge for me. Thank you again mom.

I guess it is hard in part because there is so little that I can do and partly because no matter what, I really don't what she is going through. I can say that I understand and such but really, everyone experiences loss in their own way because the one they loved was theirs in their own way. I say that I understand because it is better than awkward silence but really, the pain and loss is unique and sad.

I guess I hate that there is so little that can really be done. "I understand, let me know if I can help" is all so trite but what else is there? How can I help really? Nothing can make things better but do helpless offers of help make things less worse? Or just make me feel like I'm doing what I can? The pain that death brings has a very high suck factor indeed.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

This is short and to the point and could be called advice: Mistress has ways about her. She will find out what she needs to know so it is ALWAYS advisable to be truthful with her.

It was delightful to see her again but I am missing Jan still. How were the holidays? Lots of football?
I made it, room service is on the way and then I am going to sleep for ages.

The company that we are all contracting for is a huge employer in Manila and is credited with creating a middle class here. The story is that when a new call center opens here, the Prime Minister of the Philippines is there to dedicate the building.

Teletech (the company we are working for) is kind of a big deal around here, so when we arrived, there was someone from the Philippine government waiting to greet us and usher us through immigration and customs (no waiting in line!) and hand us off to the drivers from the hotel. They had 4 huge Mercedes limousines waiting for us. If we had 4 had people in our party, that makes how many limos per person? Driving through Manila in this huge limo caravan was kind of a thrill. They had flashing lights on each car and as we went through old Manila everyone ran out to see and wave at us.

When we got to the hotel, the manager greeted us and (no exaggerating here) at least 50 people were there to carry luggage, offer us bottles of water and check us in. I know they were there for us because when we went inside they all came with us and the other traffic at the hotel was sort of just left on their own. This whole entourage followed us in and clamored around us until we were all checked in.

I ordered steak and scallops from room service (which is always overpriced). With the exchange rate, the total with tip, etc. was $16.00. I could seriously get used to this!

I am going to eat and get unpacked and after a nap I'll check in on SL.