Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mistress always amazes with new ways I could make our relationship deeper. Tonight she told me to beg for something and I found it strangely difficult. I've never had to beg for anything (not counting when my brother would make me beg for the last fudgesicle) and it had been forever since I have actually NEEDED anything so badly that I would even get the idea to beg for it.

So I begged and it was probably pretty pathetic. Mistress asked me to beg again and I did and she said that if that was the best I could do she might leave me and maybe tomorrow night I could beg a little better. I probably would have but when she said that I took it to mean that she WOULD leave me there so I stopped begging. In my mind there was no point, including the point that I missed.

[0:46] Jacquelin Mazi: sometimes it is nice to hear the desperation if your voice... the need in your heart... if you give up so easily... maybe I don't believe it?

So I was lost between begging for her and begging for me. I wanted to be let out but I didn't want to persist with something that she had told me I had already failed at. It is a tricky thing to have a Mistress who is so deeply clever.

I did poorly on another assignment for her. Looking back at what I gave her and what she asked for, the critique she gave me of the essay make perfect sense really. I'm not sure why I was so lazy about it. She gave me clear instructions and I (her words here) half-assed it. I need a kick in the head sometimes.

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