Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Anyone? Anyone at all?
i got a notecard that didn't have anything on it that we haven't already tried and a link:
[0:33] Inasol Rugani: http://realrestraint.blogspot.com has two nice tutorials about the #rlv its all you need
[0:33] Emilee Gackt: Thank you!
i am going to install the new version of RLV and then look up these tutorials. And then hope for the best and the death of this project.
Monday, June 29, 2009
i should have emailed Her again, at least just to say that She was on my mind, that i was looking forward to seeing Her again, etc.
She let me pick my punishment. i hate it when She does that (not that She does it all that often). It had to be zaps so i had to pick a number. Ugh! i said fifty, not really realizing that i'd probably have been zapped to a stupor if She'd actually given them all to me.
A related side note: Mistress has asked me to cry for Her. This is a huge challenge for me since my mother did her best to scare any emotion out of me. Until now, this had been impossible for me.
Back to the main story: i was feeling pretty low about having left Her waiting and after 5 zaps, Mistress 'added the 0' for me. In other words She took 45 zaps off my self-imposed sentence. This was too much for me... the guild and regret and sadness and then all of a sudden She does something kind for me. i was surprised in a way and glad that i was actually brought to tears for Her.
My punishment was toned down quite a bit but is a major annoyance. i am in mouselook for the next few days. i hate mouselook almost as much as i have Filipino food.
i did miss Her this past week and it was a joy to be with Her again, even for the short while she was online.
She got an IM from another prospective slave when we were together. According to this wannabe. her Mistress has disappeared from SL months ago and so she was looking for a new home/owner. Mistress had me check and it turned out that her Mistress had been gone for a long time. It had been at least zero days since She had logged in.
Mistress arranged a little meeting between this prospective slave and the partner of her former Mistress. It was like watching a verbal car-wreck. i was embarrassed but i was also utterly curious and filled with respect for Mistress.
People should fear Mistress like the bible talks about fearing God. She always finds out the truth about people and what they say. Today's lesson, brought to you by capital T: Always tell Mistress the Truth!
Friday, June 26, 2009
[9:01] Jacquelin Mazi: To answer your questions... your diet remains the same.
i guess i figured that all the diet restriction i had were 'travel rules' and that they'd be relaxed once i got home.
Disappointing but honestly it's for the best. i'll be healthier and keep Mistress happy at the same time.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
i heard from Ellery again, kind of out of the blue. We talked about times online and it seems that we are about as opposite timewise as two people can be. The way she put it was that she logs in just as i am on my way out.
This is kind of a bummer since i was looking forward to having her around. We seemed to click from the moment we first met.
Plus she was nice enough to join my group.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
i feel sort of like this with Mistress but i don't mean to say that She is so stingy with Her grace and kindness that i am so destitute. What i mean is that when She offers me something, it is usually received the same way that the 'Pinos accept just one M&M. i am deeply grateful for it and will cherish it and i have no doubts that Mistress gives and takes in rhythm. She will take until i have nothing more to give and then take some more and when She gives back. even a tiny bit seems like a lottery jackpot.
Does this make any sense? At all?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Now everything in RLV goes into a subfolder. My first reaction - literally - was ugh! But then Mistress said it would help her stay organized and so my ugh turned into a 'i'll happily do that!' i guess i can be kind of selfish sometimes.
Gackty makes a funny:
[0:42] Megan Szerman: does anyone have a gesture that has to do with yiffing or murring wth furries?!
[0:42] Megan Szerman: lol
[0:42] Eve Petlyakov: :O
[0:43] Megan Szerman: ty!
[0:43] Jessica Pennent: I always find murring is best emoted
[0:43] Emilee Gackt: Wrong group... You want Interbreeding Emergency
[0:43] Jessica Pennent: lol Emilee :)
[0:43] Mystic Brodsky: :O
[0:46] SeaWay Brodsky: lol
i got to see Jan for the second day in a row. i honestly don't remember that happening since i've been in the 'Pines. She is setting up a new store in a high rise place. Very cosmo of You Jan!
i mentioned to Jan that Mistress has been a bit less severe lately but severe isn't the right word and i wished that i had phrased it in a more positive way. It isn't that She's been less severe; it is that She's been more kind. She's shown affection and is more patient lately. More patient in a patient way if that makes sense. She has always shown tons of patience with me but lately it has been a kindness on her part rather than just because She sort had no other choice.
It is a function of how i've been i am sure. Lately things have just clicked so well for Mistress and i that for Her to show affection and patience like that just seemed natural. At least to me it did.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
i didn't do much this time but i did have a nice (very brief) chat with Chili and rachel. It was thoughtful of both of them to check in and something that i probably should have done myself.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Today was a bit of a challenge.
My shuttle left work about an hour late and so we hit the normal Manila rush hour traffic on the way home which meant that my 90 minute commute lasted about 2 and half hours. Instead of getting to the hotel around 9:30, we got here at about 11. i needed to exercise and do some work things and such so i didn't actually get to bed until around 12:30.
i got up at 2:45 to get ready to log in but i was so tired that i went back to sleep for 15 minutes. i got up again at 3:00 and left Mistress a message that i'd be back in 30 minutes and got a little more sleep. Once i finally got up and logged in, i fell asleep right at the desk. Just sprawled over the keyboard. When i woke up i found a random friendship request from a newbie but nothing else.
i've been looking for ways other than spamming other groups to get the word out about my group. i've been putting it off but at this point it seems like that is going to be the best way to advertise it.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
So it rebooted and i tried to login to SL which of course completely froze my computer. Once i got it got rebooted AGAIN, it started downloading MORE, and installing more. Sheesh. It took almost 40 minutes for me just to log in to SL.
So anyway, i'm done ranting about that.
i got a nice surprise from Izo tonight (wearing her 'Lotofquestions' costume). She said that she likes to leave me messages but is a bit put off by not being sure if she is IMing me or my offline avatar because of Mistress' wish for me not to advertise my online status.
First off, please know that i would always rather hear from you than not (Izo and everyone) and that you are always welcome to leave me a message no matter what, either in SL or on the blog. Secondly, on behalf of Mistress:
"I emilee gackt, property of Mistress Jacquelin Mazi, do hereby swear to you (as well as my other friends in SL), if my Mistress is not with me, and if i am not severely occupied with a project of some type, I WILL send you an IM letting you know I am here, if I should see you are logged in as well"
emilee gackt notes this and makes the appropriate adjustment to her rules.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
i finally got my group officially started. It is called Fetish Emergency and will be just like Fashion Emergency but for people in the D/s community. i did a search for it and it didn't show up so i apparently need to grease some Linden's palm before anyone sees my group.
Here's some irony:
The group is to help people find places that sell what they are looking for but i will probably be one of the worst resources in the group.
Mistress had approved of a banner i made for it and after i gave the whole thing some pondering, i decided to change the name of the group and so i had to change the banner as well. The big mistake: i didn't ask Her if She approved of the new one. Oops.
Tonight was one of those rare occasions where Mistress displayed Her affection to me. i have to confess that if i would be more giving with mine, i might get more in return. There's some more irony for you.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
i hope that is an accurate paraphrase. What she said is remarkably true of me and how i was leading up to my new enforced diet.
i have this feeling that i dodged a bullet on this one. This is a punishment and kind of a harsh one but i am finding myself viewing Mistress as a personal trainer of sorts and it is a very unique circumstance for me. Any other trainer i might hire would absolutely lack Mistress' ability to provide me the motivation that She does with such natural ease. She says stop eating junk and so i have stopped.
So far it has been easy but so far it has only been a day or two. It will be interesting to see how this progresses once i get home (which by the way is in less than two weeks!).
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A mystery solved:
[2009/06/06 5:56] Izo Pakula: (Saved Sat Jun 06 04:43:30 2009) Hello! Aawww I'm sorry, but I thought you knew "Lotofquestions" was me, since I had left already one comment. Your blog requires a Gmail address for comments, I had to create one and suffered a lack of inspiration... Sorry for the confusion
Mistress' original hunch about the secret identity was right. She has a mental superpower about things like that. If the US government wanted to end the war in Afghanistan, they would contact Her to find out where bin Laden is hiding.
By the way, i really am late blogging about this so please accept my apologies.
Emotions i am allowed:
[9:44] Jacquelin Mazi: You can be worried, show fear, love, compassion, gratitude, affection, and possibly a few other positive emotions and I won't say a thing. Oh 'fear' a positive emotion? Yes... for you towards me, it is.
[9:45] Jacquelin Mazi: But... I will NOT have you depressed, OR angry! I might even allow frustration! but thats it!
Here it is again in bullet points, more for my benefit than anyone else:
- Limited other positive emotions
- No being depressed or angry
The really big news is finally in and although it isn't good, it certainly could have been much worse. The day or so that i spent waiting for my punishment for not being able to jog for 20 minutes was totally nerve-wracking. i was imagining something really harsh like typing 90,000 lines or being boxed up in SL again. In a way i feel like i got off easy but i say that with caution and respect for what Mistress decided to do.
My punishment for falling short of my jogging goal is a slightly severe restriction on snacking. Mistress gave me the details but basically it is about moderation stepped up a notch or two. i can have two Twizzlers a day or a small bowl of popcorn, chips, etc. The really painful part is that i am banished from Starbucks at least until i can jog for 30 minutes straight (which right now honestly feels like it might as well be a perma-ban).
This might sound like a horrid punishment but now that i've had a day to ponder it, i have decided that not only could it have been much worse, it is really not that bad, especially when i consider that the people i am training never eat snack foods simply because they live in such awful poverty. For me to have to limit what i eat? i can live with that.
i like that this punishment is so practical. Typing out lines is kind of a standard with Mistress but no number of lines will ever get me any closer to a goal. This punishment will be effective as a deterrent, a motivator and as a means to an end.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
[8:36] Jacquelin Mazi: Did you accomplish your exercise goals?
[8:36] Emilee Gackt shakes her head slowly, eyes on Yours and replies quietly, "No Mistress."
[8:38] Emilee Gackt's heart begins to race as she waits for Your response.
[8:38] Jacquelin Mazi is Offline
i hated having disappointed Mistress like this. When She logged off like that without a word my mind was swimming:
- 'Maybe She just crashed.' No... She just told me that She was about to log off because of a storm. She left intentionally and She knew what dread and worry would fill my lil gackty mind.
- Don't i have another day to make the goal? It is only Saturday night! Maybe... but up until now i could only get to about 14 minutes of actual continuous jogging. Can i get to 20 minutes in one more day? Possibly but very unlikely. According to the trainer in the gym, i haven't been stretching enough prior to exercising which is why i am sore all over. My guess was that it was too many trips to Starbucks and using the elevator instead of stairs and a very aggressive goal that made me so achy.
- i disappointed Her. All the pain and sweat and work and aching and running and tummy crunchers haven't been enough. i needed to have done more and demanded more from myself and i didn't and so She left disappointed in me for the first time in a long time. Whatever the punishment is for not making my goal will be secondary to this feeling. i have been so happy with Her lately - that She was happy with me. i can always tell when She is pleased because of this: [8:27] Jacquelin Mazi smiles and beeps your nose lightly. When she does that it is because i have done well, i have pleased Her, i have lived in an absence of screw ups and given her my most sincere efforts. More than anywhere, i am motivated by recognition when i am with Mistress. She could give me thousands of Lindens and all the freedom and liberty i could ask for but i would trade it all for one of Her nose beeps.
- This is one time when i can honestly say that i gave Her my best effort and still fell short. There have been times with Her when i have been lazy, unmotivated, not in the mood... call it what you will and i failed because of that. This time was different. This time i could see the goal and see the benefit and it was just too much for me. Regardless of what happens, i am glad for having this as a goal.
- She could give me a more aggressive exercise goal as a punishment but that seems unlikely since i already fell short on this one. Maybe She would... i really have no idea but i have no doubt that it will be dreadful. i so wish that it had already begun so that it could be finished more quickly.
- i am sorry. This isn't the kind of casual, over-used 'i'm sorry' that is sometimes tossed about. This is a real, sincere, 'i am sorry for disappointing You.'
Friday, June 5, 2009
Do i have another fan? Maybe 'fan' is too strong a word but it is exciting to see that people actually read this blog. i got a very thoughtful comment from someone named 'Lotsofquestions' and i appreciate the Your words very much. i've seen just what You described happen to others and i am as careful as You are.
Mistress had me sit with my mouth open today in SL and RL. Just hanging wide open. It was an odd feeling sitting there typing looking like i was in the van Gogh painting of the screamer. Was that van Gogh or Munch? Maybe i looked more like a fish with my big mouth just hanging open like that. Anyway... that feeling never really passed (it changed a bit after a while until i really felt kind of silly) but eventually it was accompanied by an ache in my jaws and a combination of a dry mouth and a puddle of drool around my tongue. Very odd feeling indeed.
Mistress gave me a mini lesson today and i have no doubt she knew that it would make an impression. i get the idea that She leaves very little to chance. She had me move to a spot next to the chair where She usually sits and then She had me move back to my usual spot:
[1:07] Jacquelin Mazi nods pointing in front of her again.
[1:08] Emilee Gackt scooches back to her normal place...
[1:08] Jacquelin Mazi smiles proudly
[1:09] Jacquelin Mazi: such a good girl... I say this because speaking is not necessary... a well trained slave knows what her Owner likes... and how to read non-verbal commands easily....
i have to admit that this was either just as Mistress said it was or that i just got lucky one more time. i am honestly sure which. i knew that i needed to scooch back over but i am not really sure why i didn't toss in a 'Yes Mistress' in there somewhere. It just seemed right not to somehow... which maybe means that i AM learning and that all the times that Mistress has said "Don't think, just act and react" that She actually knew what She was talking about.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
[0:34] Chili Theas: (Saved Wed Jun 03 08:21:07 2009) It's not much, but the door is always open and the (mainland) sim is usually lag-free
Mistress and ellery finally had a conversation and from what Mistress shared with me, it looks promising for ellery and Mistress. They had a confrontation free conversation and ellery wasn't scared off like so many in the past have been.
It would be really interesting if Mistress ever did find another that met Her high standards. i sometimes feel like She keeps me only because i am the best She has found so far. If She took on another, i would have an instant friend but also probably find myself raising my own standards for myself in a very subconscious way.
Looking back at how all of my rules have been assigned to me and evolved over time it would be very interesting for me to see what Mistress assigns to another.
my attempt at making SL a better place to be spammed:
[7:32] raulvlc78 Diesel: hi, sorry for disturb, we open a new megashop, with excellents designers of sl, agnes finney, house of alysa, slc, B&G, virtual impresions, emporio and much more designers, if you are interested said me and pass you a note, with designers and your clothings and landmark of shop, more thx for read, have a nice day :)
i sent him my edited version:
Hi there, sorry for the interruption. We are opening a new megashop with work by some of SL's most excellent designers like Agnes Finney, House of Alysa, SLC, B&G, Virtual Impressions, Emporio and many more. If you are interested, please IM me and I will pass you a note with a complete list of the designers, a landmark and much more. Thanks for reading and have a nice day!
[2009/06/04 7:41] raulvlc78 Diesel: lol all here is spam, y try no disturb more, no pass anything any direction, but always make spam hehe
i need to choose my battles more carefully i guess.
Mistress trusted me with $110L to start up my group and in a moment of generosity, She gave me an extra $190L and told me to get something nice.
- It is funny how perspective changes; i used to feel impoverished if i had less than $10,000L in my account and now that i have $190L to have fun with, i feel like a Rockefeller.
- In the past i would have immediately gone to Icing or Ivalde (which i had heard is now closed) but now i feel like i should buy something for 'Her' in a way. Something for me to wear from a place that i know She likes.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
[7:01] Jacquelin Mazi: Unless I ask for more, I only want yes or no from you right now.... I have had a bad week and I will not hesitate to take it out on you... you did not know so I will not punish you this time...
Simple enough instruction, right? Well then why did i mess it up about 4 times? Sheesh! Just before She left, She lifted my speech restriction:
[7:35] Jacquelin Mazi nods: "you may speak freely again.... stay out of trouble...
What a relief! i can speak freely as long as i emote before each sentence, show proper respect and of course, use my approved punctuation.
Reminder: My 'You can see when i am online' box has been unchecked for every one on my list at the instruction of Mistress Jacquelin Mazi.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Mistress has given me a goal by next weekend:
- Jog for 20 minutes (consecutive minutes and actual jogging - no power walking)
- 50 tummy crunchers
- 25 push ups
i am nearly positive that i won't get there, even if She gives me until the last minute of the last hour of the weekend. i've had too many Starbucks and not enough iced teas. She mentioned that if i fail that i wouldn't like the punishment, which by now i have no doubt that She has something awful in mind but what i do like, regardless of the outcome this weekend is that She set this goal for me and it is a good goal, one that i should have set for myself.
So many 'Mistresses' in SL are content to wreak havoc on someone's little cartoon avatar but more than ever, i can see that my Mistress truly 'gets it.' She can flog and flail emilee gackt all She wants but the ways that Mistress has gently pressed into RL have all been thrilling, challenging, exciting sometimes and now what She is doing is actually good for me and i am grateful in a sense that i haven't been before.
But please don't ask if i am still grateful next week when i will most likely be dealing with whatever Her punishment is for not reaching Her goal. i will have no comment.