The awful suit

i guess this time it wasn't a suit as much as it was just a box and the helmet that goes with the suit. i need to back up.

i logged in early tonight, hoping to log some significant time against my sentence, however long it was. In the past, the suit gave me an update periodically and i got an update in chat just after i logged in. it said i had accumulated 38 violations and just the extensions - not including the sentence - was a week and 3 days.

i told Mistress and not surprisingly (sadly) i missed an opportunity to be what she wants me to be. Instead of telling her how i felt, i asked if it was actually correct. It just couldn't be right.

i guess i felt too much to feel anything, at least yet. It just couldn't be real, it couldn't be accurate. Looking back i guess i felt like i just needed the mistake fixed, you know? Like fix and then tell me what i have to deal with for real but of course the whole time there was this awful doubt that it truly was a mistake.

If i had been able to be more in the moment right then, i'd have felt fear most of all. This would have been a very extreme punishment and the longer the sentence is, of course the more opportunities there are to make mistakes which extend it.

Disbelief.

Shock.

Disappointment.

i'll add to this as things come to me.

Mistress has asked me why i don't beg Her for anything. Why did I not beg to be let out, to be forgiven? i'm not sure why. For so long, things have been so easy for me to get that having to beg doesn't even enter my mind. i endure but begging is still so foreign to me. Even if it did occur to me, i must confess that there is probably a good bit of pride between me and begging. i would endure proudly before i would beg.

i need to remember to consider Mistress' wishes. She wishes me to beg and if i could do that for her, my life in SL would probably be less difficult.

It turns out that the week + 3 days was a glitch somewhere. The sentence was originally three hours, nowhere near what i had imagined it to be.

[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: even with the penalty settings.... your penalties should have been only 10 minutes
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi shrugs
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: maybe the mouselooks? but even still... couple hours tops....
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: no matter
[7:48] Jacquelin Mazi: I suspended the last hour of your sentence.... you only did 2 hours... and change.... don't make me regret it

When Mistress let me out, She gave me a new rule:

[7:44] Jacquelin Mazi: first... EVERY moment..... from now on.... you are to be emoting ...... SOMETHING.... I don't care what.... just like in RL... you don't vanish.... you shift squirm listen react move gesture.... whatever.... you will now do that here....

It is odd but i have been wanting this rule for some time now. i could have been doing this on my own but... i just didn't. This makes it official so now i don't have to decide to do it. i just will.

i blogged a few weeks ago about how i am coping with the time difference between where i am and the Philippines. i get up between 5 and 6 (usually 5:30) depending on what is taking place that day and what calls need to be made to the US. If i get to work at 6:00, it is 3:00 pm in the US which leave lots of time to contact people.

If i see Mistress online at my usual time, i will normally spend 2 or 3 hours with her and on various projects which puts me in bed by about 3 or 4 am which = about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. i try to make up the difference by going to bed as soon as i get home from work but there are lots of days that we will go out with some of the clients (they are staying in the same hotel as we are). That puts me in bed at around 11 pm or midnight. my usual time is 1:00 am for me which = 9:00 am SL time. Ouch, huh?

Mistress has shown her compassion to me again:

[7:57] Jacquelin Mazi: I dislike you getting so little sleep lil gackty one... it makes you do .... foolish things.... here and maybe in RL

*smiles*

i am glad to have her, no matter how difficult she seems to the untrained eye.

i am looking forward to my next assignment. It may be the first one that i can use in my job and at SL. someone PLEASE remind me to scour it for any uses of the word 'Mistress' before i use it at work.

8 times

i counted tonight. It took 8 attempts for me to finally get logged in to SL tonight.

1. Password misspelled
2. Password misspelled (i should perhaps wait a few minutes after i wake up before i log in)
3. SL has this habit of changing my preferences for me. The 'Run SL in a Window' box keeps getting unchecked, which resets the screen resolution (?) but it makes my mouse pointer invisible. i have to to hold down the power button to restart my laptop, then restart SL, check the 'Run SL in a Window' box and then login, hopefully with the right login credentials.
4. Logged in as per #3 and my laptop totally froze up (another of SL's impolite habits). i had to to hold down the power button to restart my laptop, then restart SL, say a little prayer and login again, hopefully with the right credentials.
5. Region is still in the logout process, try again later.
6. You can't login right now, try again at [whatever time it was 6 minutes later].
7. Same as above.
8. Finally, after all that trouble, i got in! Woohoo.

Once i did get in, i watched as line after line of things that i am restricted from scrolled up my screen. Mixed in all of that was a warning to go to mouselook and type a mantra. i kept pressing 'M' to go to mouselook and SL kept not responding. i pressed CTRL-T to open the chat box to type the mantra and SL still did nothing. Lag perhaps.

Sometimes it sucks to be a slave. It ALWAYS sucks to be a slave locked in a box in the basement and not be able to go anywhere or do anything other than type mantras.

So i typed mantras and felt more ridiculous with each one i typed. i hate that i keep earning this suit and i hate that this time it was for something so foolish.

i had a call this morning (or yesterday depending on your perspective) with the VP in charge of the project i am working on. It is called Quicken even though it has nothing to do with the software company.

The client (the Australian company that we have been working for) has approved another round of hiring which is good news for a lot of people, especially the people that they are hiring.

i am going home probably on Monday and will be there until about 3/17 or so.

Something wrong with me

i spent money without Mistress' permission for what seemed to me like a good reason. She'd say that i was thinking. Among other things.

i am back in the suit but at home. i could see the map location on the screen. Things seem less distant if i am here. In the suit but in a box and all i have to look at is a sentence telling me what i did to get thrown back in the suit and then into a box.

Mistress' wisdom balances out the things i do sometimes. She knows what is best and how things must be applied and in what measure to get me to where She wants me to be. i am grateful for that. She is concerned about my well-being and i respect and love her for that. i am selfish and i hate that.

When Mistress is in a hurry...

Mistress was on early tonight and i felt lucky to see her log in. She had to leave early though and had to leave in a rush. She normally has more time than that when She goes. i felt:

• Like i needed to be quick about what i said and told Her. She normally offers me the chance to ask questions and has even told me that She builds in time for me to ask. Still, even when she isn't in a hurry i feel rushed. Who am i to keep Her from the things She needs to do?
• i was losing out on Mistress time. i was expecting bonus Mistress time and was disappointed when She said She'd be leaving early. i hate that i sounded so needy there. In fact tonight She said that i was needy and i wasn't sure what She meant by it. Could it have been that? i doubt it.

We purged a few people from Mistress' group. i always feel sad for these people. Mistress is an intimidating person to most people and it seems that she scares them away. It is kind of ironic in a way. She is giving these poor people just what they don't realize they are looking for and it makes them run away. 2 of the 3 people we looked at stopped logging in to SL after they talked to Mistress. i guess that makes me extra tough? i doubt that too.

Becoming a robot

Lately i have been having much the same idea, concept, feeling (oh how i wish i could use the T-word sometimes). Lately i have been very aware of belonging to Mistress and i am concerned that the ways that i express that will become monotonous and sound automatic.

I don't feel the way i must sound.

i am exploring different ways that She owns me in SL and often that is expressed the same way for the different pieces of me that She owns. She owns my wardrobe and i tell Her that i am glad to be able to have clothes - that they are a gift from Her. She owns where i go and what i do and i tell Her that i am happy to go where She lets me go. i want to give her fresh, fun ways for Her to own me and not sound so robotic. i'll be working on that.

A key will be really focusing on feeling emotions and expressing them more creatively. There is a huge temptation to take shortcuts though, since most of what i type in SL is typed with Mistress waiting for a reply. i no doubt err on the side of brevity too often.

How much control does She have over me? She owns my inventory, my Lindens and so much more and yet i asked for Her to take more. Her response was entirely enigmatic and was no doubt planned to be. i am still wondering how much control She has over me in SL and even in RL. How much of what She causes me to experience there spills over into the real world where i DO have enough attach points?

Mistress dressed me in latex tonight and we went shopping for 'turture' machines. This was unusual for us to do. I haven’t worn latex for ages (other than that awful suit) and these machines all seemed to be beneath Mistress somehow. They all looked the same after a while and the descriptions of what they do that pop up in chat had misspellings. One of them described something about beginning the 'turture.'

Mistress reminded me later about the 3 things that make SL work. Animations, yes (which would include these silly machines) but add to that some imagination and some well written text and SL all of a sudden becomes a powerful place, or at least has the potential to.

So why the trip to the neighborhood turture shop? Is She planning something that i would rather not know about? That is probably always true.

How i spell now

A slave should acknowledge and honor the superiority of her owner whenever she can. There is this... etiquette around that point:

Personal pronouns are always in lower case - i, me. my, etc - even at the start of a sentence.
Pronouns referring to Mistress are always to be capitalized: She, Her, etc.

This is an announcement as much as it is a request for help in sticking to the new capitalization scheme. It is a pretty deep habit to break and of course only applies in SL. Oy.

Why i *hate* Blogger sometimes...

3 (THREE!!!) times i went in to fix the fickle line spacing in Blogger and 3 (FRIGGIN' THREE!) times it somehow reverted to something completely random. i really have a peev about that for some reason.

Where is Jan when you really need her?

Mistress took me shopping last time. When She announced where we'd be going i responded happily and was looking forward to it. i got the idea afterwards that Mistress felt like i had in mind the shopping trips of my past where i would go trolling for outfits with money burning a hole in my virtual wallet.

i suppose in the back of my mind that might have been true but mostly i was just glad to see Mistress and be with Her. Shopping with Her was an added bonus.

So we shopped for maybe 30 minutes, i won a lucky chair (plaid slave silks - how odd is that?) and she bought me another set which I labelled (at her suggestion) '*TSR* Kadin in Red/Gold - Mistress likes these.'

The TSR etc, part was already there; i added the bit about how she liked them on me.

When we got home she gave me $400L to buy an outfit that i felt she would like but really at the time it seemed to me that it was just to go have fun with; it was one of those peeks at Mistress' kindness and humanity that she lets seep out sometimes.

It is funny how living very simply in SL - being given little control over what you have, how you live - can change your perspective about things. It was like i was given this immense stack of money and was trusted with it. i was almost scared of losing it somehow and certainly scared of misusing it.

Earlier that night, Mistress made an announcement:

[8:37] Jacquelin Mazi: .... your colors.... now and forever... ruby/red..... I prefer gold for jewelry for you... silver does not work for you so much... hair and complexion all things considered... also teal/turquoise will work for you.... SOME white and SOME black... but I am a bit leery for that.... black works for you on pants... maybe not so much for tops or silks... and also greens work for you too

So it was clear that i would be getting myself a red outfit that i hoped Mistress would like. It is funny now how panicked i was about where to go and what to get. i had this tremendous urgency about it. i had to get it done right then and probably sacrificed selection for speed.

i went to Nyte N Day (of course) and went straight to the pant suits. Do they call them pant sets? Anyway, i wanted pants because the last time i wore a dress, She told me that long skirts are not for a slave (with the exception of a hobble skirt, and i actually considered trying to find one in red no less).

i found something that is truly and deeply 'Emilee' looking:

Emilee Gackt, fashion icon.

Based on Mistress' lack of objection to what i normally wear, common sense told me that it was likely that She would at least tolerate this, which for me - most of the time at least - means that she likes something on me or that i've done. Hopefully that will be true of this.

i was honestly relieved when i found this and sent back the remaining money. it is so opposite what i am used to in the real world where i am given much and trusted with much. in SL i am given little and trust is sacred.

The room where i never go

Mistress and i were talking and She stopped and asked me about a cage in the basement. The door had just opened by itself probably due to some SL glitch and She of course looked at me more than curiously. i didn't open the cage and told Her so and She of course believed me.

The thing about that cage is that i hate it. Who knows how it opened. It doesn't matter. What blipped into my mind was that there is this thing in the basement of the house that i pay for that i loathe and abhor. i hate the entire room in fact. How odd it is that i am glad to have it there because Mistress wants it/needs it/call it what you will.

We spent a good bit of time together, finally. The whole time i had the concept of the basement on my mind... that cage. Mistress put me through some painful things tonight (or this morning for Her) and at the end of it i thanked Her. Really sincerely thanked Her.

After She does what She does to me i feel drained, glad that She is done doing what She has done but mostly i feel closer to Her.

Project D

The latest in a series of serials... stories written for Mistress. This seems like an impossibly huge challenge but it is not for me to complain; it is for me to write stories for Mistress to enjoy.

----------------

If you look at it from the right angle, it really is probably my own fault.

She kept me in a tube for a few days, alone and isolated. Only she would talk to me and then just to remind me that the glass tube I was in was to be my permanent home. After a while her reminders became more and more empty. “Yes, yes, in here forever, never leaving. I got it.” Then she added a light. I guess she wanted people to be able to see me better. It didn’t much matter to me since I could see out but couldn’t hear or talk to people. It might as well have been me watching them. Of course they had clothes on.

So the light…

She said it would be like the light you see in an aquarium.

I said I didn’t like that analogy.

She filled the tube up to my chest with water.

I wondered out loud how I’d sit down.

She said she’d empty it sometimes.

My mind flew. She’d empty it? How often? How could I exist like this? Living in a tube of water? All of a sudden her promise to keep me there seemed so grave and it became so urgently important to convince her that she was being inhumane.

She didn’t care or at least didn’t admit to caring.

So I lived and waited in my tube, always desperately fearful that she’d never let any water out.

Somehow the conversation stuck on that aquarium bit and we were talking about mermaids. Not seriously talking, just kind of imagining. I was glad for it, for any distraction from my future in the too small and now too cold and too wet tube.

She is one of those people who let nothing stand in the way of what they want. While I was imagining a mermaid, she was planning one.

She filled the tube with water so icy that I turned blue and so salty that I nearly wretched. That awful light that started it all was off at the time; I remember the light from the full moon pouring in and filling the tube with a glow. I watched her for what seemed forever but then when you are in a tube, time tends to go slowly. A tube filled with icy seawater makes time positively stand still.

She seemed to be chanting and carving something… a candle maybe? She buried herself in it, intensely cutting notches and grooves into the candle, her mantras becoming almost hysterical as she worked.

She stopped in an instant. “Midnight.” she announced suddenly. It jarred me from my chattering, shivering daze. “It’s time,” she said. I didn’t bother to reply. I assumed that ‘It’s time’ meant that she’d finally drain the frigid water from my world.

‘It’s time’ meant that my world would stay as much the same as it would change. She lit the candle and with another screeching, almost alien shriek, she floated it across the water. Watching it drift made me less cold. No… not less cold at all. I was less bothered by it. What bothered me was that there was not enough water all of a sudden. Somehow I need it. I needed to be in it and breathe it.

So I wait and live in my tube, desperately fearful that she’ll let some water out.

All of a sudden I'm selfish...

...which is not to be confused with shellfish.

It is with regret that I announce that my recent epiphanies vis-à-vis Mistress have made me possessive of her. Territorial even.

For so long Mistress has churned through so many prospective slaves and all the while I've been eager for her to find success. I looked forward to another perspective and maybe someone to compare myself to as a gauge of progress, good or bad.

I feel like I've reached a plateau with Mistress and that we share something personal. Now a third will rock my world.

I hate that phrase.

I hate that I am being selfish and I hate that I can't just let it work itself out inside me. I don't want people to know this about me and I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable because of me. Of all people.

I hate this post because it I have no choice in typing it. I simply must because Mistress demands to know my feelings. My feelings are selfishness and shame that I am selfish. Regret maybe.

The old me would have stifled this long enough for it to boil away. The me that Mistress truly owns won't let the old me do her stifling. The me that Mistress owns trusts Mistress and will not withhold that from her.

Another consideration: Being a slaveholder will hurt Mistress' chances at ever holding an elected office.

------------------------

We talked about what slavery means today. I said this:

A slave has has no choice and no options. Less than human but more than animal, it has no rights and what it owns, it owns as a gift from it's owner.

Mistress said that I was mostly right but that even what a slave has been given, it doesn't really own.

A slave has no rights, remember? Not even to property.

She had me change it and replace the word slave with Emilee Gackt. It was shocking how personal that made it to me:

Emilee Gackt has no choice and no options. Less than human but more than animal, Emilee Gackt has no rights and what it owns, it owns as a gift from it's owner.

So if I add her input it would be:

Emilee Gackt has no choice and no options. Less than human but more than animal, Emilee Gackt has no rights and owns nothing but enjoys many gifts from her owner.

I was glad to get some time with her. It kind of recharged me somehow.

Brain cells diminishing

I literally have no memory of that last blog entry (the last one is the one below this one). I don't remember the feelings or even typing it. It is a very strange feeling.


Today's cake:

Sleepy and ready to come home.

It looks like I am nearing the end of my visit to the Philippines. It will be nice to be back home in my own bed like I should be. Its kind of bittersweet though. This time here seemed line an opportunity to really grow and spend time in SL. It sounds a little off, but being so far from home in terms of time zones created the possibility for me to spend lots more time in SL. I so looked forward to learning and growing. I did learn and grow but not how I expected. It was in the awful suit.

Once I was released, I saw Mistress very regularly and even saw Jan sometimes. Now I just feel far from everyone and I think I am ready to go home. Of course that means going back to my old routines which means it will be Mistress who is awake at ungodly hours of the night to see her slave. That is as backwards as it sounds. I should come and wait for her, not vice versa.

I want to see Mistress at a less ungodly time for her as much as I want to go home.

Dog blog

At the hotel they have these adorable bomb sniffing dogs:

I finished with work tonight and wasn't feeling great so I decided to go and get take out from a Vietnamese place across the street. I usually stop and pet the dogs because I feel like they must be sort of lonely and have kind of a strange life without one person that belongs to them, kind of like Lucy has me.

I was in a mood when I left and this time just walked right past the dog without stopping to pet him. On the walk across the street I realized that I'd just treated him how Mistress talks about treating me. He was an animal and if I stopped to pet him it would have been a gift of kindness. I didn't want to be bothered with it though and to the dog, it really probably didn't matter much. He was probably daydreaming about his next bowl of dog food.

The difference between me and the dog is that I have feelings and the ability to reason. I kind of envy the dog since he never has to fight with reason like I do. He acts, reacts and barks from his heart, just as Mistress has been asking me to do.

It was more of an epiphany for me than this blog makes it appear. I felt kind of bad for the dog but not so much for myself. For the dog, he doesn't know any better. For me, I am trying so hard to be brought so low.

Also... what are the guys in the background doing to each other? Maybe they should get a room...

So busy!

It feels a little 'off' talking about my job here. It is supposed to be about me in SL. I guess if I talked about cake, I can talk about work. It is even kind of relevant.

It looks like things are finally settling down for me and instead of jumping back and forth between projects, I will be attached to just one project for the next three weeks. Who knows if that will actually happen but as of now its the plan.

The relevance? Well if I am only working one project, I will only have one project's worth of work to do, which will mean more time for SL. Hopefully.

I finally got some time to do some sightseeing this weekend. We all went to a waterfall and got completely drenched. Maybe I'll post a picture or two with Mistress' permission.

So, back to SL.

It seems like so long since I've seen the people in SL I care about. As I was typing this, someone on my list logged off and that blue box popped up. I felt a little thrill when I saw it and then felt sort of deflated when I saw who it actually was. That sounds mean I'm sure but I am sure that everyone has a few 'fringe friends' on their list. Was it Rachelle? Jan? No. Mistress? No. Someone fun? No. Oh well. I have plenty to do to keep myself amused while I wait for another blue pop up box.

Oh - I almost forgot! Today's cake:

Interesting facts about being made to wear diapers

• Not surprisingly they are very uncomfortable, especially when used
• I can't imagine a more personal thing to let someone else own
• The Filipino version of 'Depends' is called... ready for this? 'Dr. P.'
• They are surprisingly cheap here. A 12 pack costs about $3 US.
• It is utterly humiliating to be typing this
• Mistress didn't ask me to put this and I am wondering if I should delete it.
• Mistress would want to know how I feel
• I'm not going to delete this post

I forgot to share my emotions today. I felt a few things all kind of in a rush and was sort of overwhelmed. I feel ashamed that I will apparently always have this struggle with sharing that part of me. The good news is that I understand Mistress more clearly than I ever have and I realized fairly quickly why she was doing what she was doing. It was because I am hers to enjoy doing things to.

Rachelle?

I saw my long lost friend Rachelle today. She has a way of calming me down when I get myself in a tizzy over something. With all I have going at the mo (I learned that phrase from a Filipino; they are MAD texters here) it was really a blessing to have her put things in perspective.

She'll hate me for it but it wouldn't be right of me not to share this with the world:

The hotel has one of these sent to my room nearly every day now. At first it was just weekends but I guess they've learned to like me for some reason.

A few minutes in the awful cage

I was late with an assignment today (actually it was yesterday but that is hardly the point) and Mistress made me beg to be punished.

I know Jan, that sounds abhorrent doesn't it? *smiles and winks*

It is less worse than it sounds when you are me though. I had this sort of really incongruent surge of emotion for Mistress when she left me in the cage. I hated being stuck in there but at the same time it was like I was a child who had the wisdom of a parent. I felt myself drawn to her and missing her while she left me alone in the cage with my 2nd grade math.

It could have been much worse and I am grateful for her mercy and kindness, which is a big part of why I felt what I did for her - why it was such a surge I guess.

Mistress kept saying things like this today:
[10:37] Jacquelin Mazi: this type of reaction makes you one step closer to the animal world lil gackty one.... I am glad to see you not trying to 'think' and simply obeying what your heart tells you...... instinct is perfect for a lil gackty animal like you *smiles*

I was surprised at how matter-of-fact she was about it. It was a revelation to me which is maybe why I was surprised by it. Is that really how she sees me and what I am becoming? And... if so, is it all that bad given my feelings for her? I suppose I can live with that, not that I have much choice really.

This made me happy:

[10:52] Jacquelin Mazi smiles leaning in to beep your nose lightly: "I enjoy hearing your heart speak to me so clearly lil gackty one.... I like knowing what you like and dislike... what is difficult for you to hear and grasp and what makes you happy and smile and eager... and nervous.. and excited... and frustrated and all things in between... "

I was happy that something so elusive FINALLY seems to be happening for me and I was happy that she acknowledged it. It was like a surprise bonus on payday.