Sunday, October 12, 2008

Where do I possibly get these words?

[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: RUONDEL - a circular decoration, especially a coloured circle on a military aircraft that shows its nationality
[9:29] You: roundel
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: Congratulations Emilee Gackt, you have won this round in 13 seconds.
[9:29] Hell Bop Bar Scramble Game: The word was 'roundel'.

The subconscious part of my brain must be much stronger than I realize. I don't recall ever seeing or using the word below but I knew once I read the description. It might have helped that it wasn't very scrambled but still, what an obscure word for anyone to know. That sounded like I am showing off; I don't mean to. It's just odd that I knew that word. It's not like I use it all the time, you know?

'Oh yummy - Roundels! I love those things, especially with honey.'
'You poor thing. A roundel would fix you right up.'
'I SO hate it when airplanes of uncertain nationality go flying around without clearly visible roundels. Foreign pilots can be SO thoughtless.'

By the way, I AM Scrambling and dealing with my punishment discreetly. Let's play spot the gackty:

I wouldn't just drop into a bar dressed as I am. Jan and I talked about this last night. It is odd how personal an avatar can be sometimes. I am just as embarrassed as my cartoon self is at having to run around like this so I flew high above Hell Bop and checked the mini map. Once I was sure there was no one there I went in and hid so I didn't offend anyone but also so I wouldn't feel so silly.

I am hiding in the corner above the stage behind the ghoul. I checked it from all over the bar and the only place you can spot me is from the balcony which is usually empty anyway. If anyone did show up I'd have TP'd home in an instant.
I was in the middle of writing all this when Mistress logged in. I didn't see her and kept her waiting for a few minutes. Not intentionally of course but it could have been easily avoided if I only had a brain.

Mistress expects more of me than I can give. I just don't now how and sometimes I can't - I simply can not - do what she wants me to do. Some of it is a learning process (I know - I've been learning this stuff for months) and some of it is just how I have been trained and created to react to stress.

I feel impossibly challenged right now. Normally I crave a challenge but I have more than met my match. It is probably a combination of that - being at the limits of what I can do and give - and me just being my lazy, spoiled self.

Mistress compares me to others that she knows who have given what I have been unable to give her and really it seems like a fair comparison but I am just not the same person as those people. I have strengths in areas they don't and they are stronger than I am in some areas. Probably more of that than the other.

I was stretched past my limit today and I just logged out. That was weak of me and really very rude. I'm sure this will change things for us. Mistress has said a few times that she isn't sure who I am and that there is someone else at the keyboard. She says it in the context of me not living up to her expectations and of course I can't argue that. I have no doubt that that will always be true. I guess it is a matter of degree. At some point not living up to an expectation goes from a challenge and a coachable goal to a failure. Right now I am much closer to the failure end of the spectrum than the challenge end.

It is painful when she says that. It forces me to admit how hard I am to know and how I won't let people in, even people that I trust and care very much about.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know why it's hard for me and then I come up with something to blame it on. My parents, my past, my present, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am so close to getting it and then a 'today' happens and I feel like I have never been farther. I don't know what's going to happen with us and it scares me.

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