Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sometimes the relationship between the cause and the affect is less clear. Pure motives might have the affect of angering someone when you combine those motives with less than stellar intellect. An action driven by pure motives that ends up angering someone is a hard thing. How do you start again? How do you prove your worth and honesty and without starting from scratch? How do you accentuate the positive - the motives - when there is such a spirit of... is it distrust or just disappointment?
Will time heal it or is it a matter of taking action? Do you douse the fire or let it burn itself out? It is hard to say which is less worse when the fire is burning in someone else.
i try my best with people (most people and certainly some more than others) and i do what i honestly feel is right and proper and sometimes it turns out to be about 1/10 right and 9/10 wrong. That is too wrong for motives to account for; such a lopsided set of scales need to be set right by removing the wrong but how?
Monday, March 30, 2009
[0:24] Leaving god mode, level 0
Hm. Pretty unspectacular. i clicked it again to undo it and go back to being God:
[0:24] Leaving god mode, level 0
Uhoh. Taken away for good it looks like.
Then i found something else that looked like it would fix things right up: 'Request Admin Status.' i clicked with the highest of expectations:
[0:32] Request for special powers failed. This request has been logged.
Logged? With whom? Will this affect my ability to work in the United States? What powers? Can't they just deny me the powers and not be tattletales about it?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
From 2 (?) days ago:
Mistress asked me a question and then started counting down from 15 as i typed out an answer, which had to include an emote.
More than 15 seconds? Zap. Wrong answer? Zap. If She didn't like answer? Zap. If she did like the answer? Probably a zap.
This was an exercise in grace under fire, dealing with stress and speed typing. Based on my results, i could use a few more lessons. Geez what am i saying?!?
i've mentioned this before... that i am probably the least qualified person there is to have to beg for something. i don't know how or where to begin and i've never wanted or needed something badly enough to have to actually beg for it. i've just 'begged' with money in the past.
[11:53] Jacquelin Mazi nods with a light sigh: "I know.... but perhaps part of being a slave... is to ache for your Owner.... part of being a slave is begging for something... "
This is another skill i need to develop if i am to be pleasing to Mistress. It is funny how once you ask for something, life has a way of giving it to you.
Not only do i not know how to beg, i don't even know when to beg without being told to. i have a lot to learn, not just about begging.
How to relax in a developing nation:
Hop into a steaming tub of gritty brown mostly water. Being here reminds me of camping in some ways.
How to get ready for work in a developing nation:
Tightly close all body parts that open, shower quicky* and pretend that for some reason the shower water is cleaner than what comes out of the spigot.
*blogger suggests that the proper spelling of this word is 'quickie.' It doesn't suggest 'quickly.' My hate affair with blogger trudges on.
How to brush your teeth in a developing nation:
Bottled water and American toothpaste.
When I was younger, maybe 8 or 9, my mother’s husband Paul had a record collection that he doted on. He gave it his complete devotion and when he would listen to a record it was like he was transported. He had this old stereo with tubes in it (that was nearly the size of a refrigerator) and listened on headphones so there was kind of a mystique about it. So private and exclusively his and whatever happens Paul, don't let US hear your crappy music. We aren't worthy.
He forbade each of us to even go near it, which of course made us all want to. If he had never said not to touch it, we wouldn’t have cared about it but he always made such a big deal, like there was something about it that we weren't fit to experience. It was just classical records. Whatever Paul.
I remember when i did sneak a look through the records (many times), i was sort of unimpressed and wondering what the big deal was but mostly i felt like i was committing a huge crime against humanity. i was touching the records! *gasps* i felt so guilty and knew that i shouldn’t be doing it but i was so curious. i still sometimes wish that the reward for my stealthy little crime had been more enjoyable but it was truly a disappointment. All the nervousness and peeking over my shoulder… for nothing really. It just reaffirmed that Paul was a turd.
Holding one of the records in my hands should have been electric somehow but it was just stressful, like holding a gun after a bank robbery. Part of me wanted to take it out and listen to it, part of me was bored with it and part of me (the biggest part by far) felt like i should put it back and run away, far from the stereo and the records and never go near them again.
The hypocrisy part came when Paul would warn us away from his records on pain of death and then during mandatory family worship time (daily at 6 pm regardless of anything), he would tell us the evils us storing up treasures on earth and putting too much emphasis on physical things and too little on spiritual matters. Whatever Paul. Lead by example much?
Friday, March 27, 2009
[1:01] Steven Westminster is now banned from using Axlotl. Good thing too.
[1:02] Axlotl Cheevers shrugs
[1:02] Steven Westminster: hallo Axlotl
[1:03] Emilee Gackt: Nice work on that avatar Steven.
[1:03] Chyenna Jewell: giggles
[1:03] Axlotl Cheevers chuckles
[1:03] Axlotl Cheevers: I think the "anatomically incorrect" look might be coming back into style.
[1:04] Axlotl Cheevers: Might never be as hot as the "VIP" tag, but you never know...
[1:04] Kali Eiren giggles at Steven
[1:04] Kali Eiren waits patiently for Steven to flash everyone from inside his trenchcoat
[1:04] Steven Westminster: Boo!
[1:04] Emilee Gackt waits for him to finish typing.
[1:05] Chyenna Jewell: giggles
[1:05] Steven Westminster: Get lost!
After this he wandered some more, stuck in a typing animation, flashing gestures at everyone (but thank goodness that was all he flashed). It is definitely the shoes that make the outfit.
i just couldn't leave it like that so i tried to help:
[1:51] Emilee Gackt: Do you speak English Steven?
[1:52] Emilee Gackt: Hello?[1:53] Steven Westminster: hallo emilee, no, my englisch is verry bad...
[1:54] Emilee Gackt: Can you READ English?
[1:54] Steven Westminster: no, sorry
[1:54] Steven Westminster: i speak only german
[1:55] Emilee Gackt: Sie müssen Hosen an setzen. [You need to put on pants]
[1:56] Steven Westminster: wieso ? ich habe doch eine Hose an [Why?]
[1:57] Emilee Gackt: Sie schauen lächerlichen Steven. Leute lachen an Ihnen. [People are laughing at you]
[1:58] Steven Westminster: oh...ok
He wandered off again after my attempt at helping him and showed up a few minutes later with pants and no trench coat. i may have to give up on poor Steven.
Once again Blogger, may you die a thousand deaths for not letting me set my own line spacing.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
i am of course famous by association. If you do a Google search for 'Gackt' you get this:
There you have it. The goth, vampy, anorexic death angel Gackt. My day has finally come.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
i didn't mind so much having to rename all of the folders *again* but i felt like i was slashing the Mona Lisa as i was doing it. i put so much brain power into how i had labelled everything and all the names were so neatly grouped and i was so proud.
Turns out i kind of overbrained it. It was simple to me because it was my creation. It wasn't ME who had to memorize that O was for outfits and G was for silks. Mistress was right that it was kind of silly but i still had a softness in my heart for my pretty folder. Part of me died with it.
So the new folder is hopefully as Mistress likes it. To me is less descriptive but it is Mistress' folder in my inventory and so it must be put just how She likes it, like it or not.
Monday, March 23, 2009
i got to see Jan for the second day in a row. *smiles* But... about a minute after She logged in, Mistress logged in so it was a short visist.
Before that i got an IM from the Newbie Helper Group from a woman in the Philippines. What are the chances of that? i was amazed. She had asked about schools and learning in SL. i did a search for 'school' and even i was shocked. i literally couldn't find one that wasn't directly related to sex. That poor woman. i tried to point her in other directions though. Skydiving, music, etc. She had already done the dancing/partying thing and was wanting to get something from SL other than just melting her brain a little. I gave her some advice that was typically gackty.
i told her to make some friends. To me, SL is 100% about people. The ones you meet and the ones you cherish. In her case, for me at least it was about offering her a friend and some help when she was so lost. Jan knows just what i mean. Helping people is its own reward.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Basically i am 12 hours + 1 day different from most of my SL people (aka the east coast). FYI, this chart assumes that the information in the Internet is correct and i assume no responsibility for any errors or inaccuracies.
Wow... what a great idea! i am going to start using disclaimers all the time.
"i'm sorry Mistress but You can't punish me for that because of my disclaimer. i've had my legal people look it over and it is iron-clad."
Saturday, March 21, 2009
There has been a change to my online 'schedule' but things seem so up in the air right now i am scared to even write it down because once i do it will surely change. Really it is a change to my work schedule which is what determines my SL schedule. Either way, i will update here as soon as i am more certain of when i will be able to be online.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
All the 'extras' for each outfit, shoes, etc., were put into a subfolder called 'Extras.' i started out putting everything into subfolders called 'Not Worn' but after about half way through, i realized that if i ever needed to search for something i was wearing (i.e. type 'worn' in the search box) i would get hundreds of results so i went with 'Extras' instead.
i'm off to Manila on Friday morning and i land many MANY hours later. This flight goes Phx > San Francisco > Hong Kong > Manila. i won't be back until sometime Saturday morning SL time. i am SO going to take a sleeping pill (probably more than just one really) on this flight.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i am starting to like when Mistress says 'This is important' or 'Listen very carefully.' It makes blogging a lot easier for one and secondly it (obviously) helps me know what to focus on.
This time was a little different though and ended up being quite a project. Mistress has a magical folder in MY inventory that lets Her control what i wear. So... it makes sense that i should put my clothes in that folder, right? And it makes sense that i should label each folder with a brief description of the outfit that it contains, right?
This is a huge project. i own nearly everything that Last Call ever made, same with Icing, lots from Nyte n Day, etc, etc, etc.
i am going to be doing a LOT of clicking and renaming and dragging and dropping. Yikes!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
FYI - bullet points don't quite work in a blogger profile and the 1200 character limit apparently includes line breaks and...
... if i made a list of hairstyles from the '80s, i would probably use mullet points instead of bullet points.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Mistress decided that She was in the mood for a game of Body Language and was watching me carefully. All that we said was in emotes and she made it clear that i was to be quiet and just post emotes. It took me too long to realize what we were actually doing and even once she told me, i needed an over-long explanation and reminder of how emotes are supposed to work and even what my role is in SL.
It went like this:
- Mistress gave a description of what her body was doing, her expression, her position in the chair, etc.
- i responded with an emote expressing feelings of confusion, frustration, i tried to be funny
- Repeat steps 1 and 2 for maybe 10 minutes. Only once or twice did i reciprocate and give Her what She was giving me - a 'visible' clue to what She was feeling via how She presented Herself - and honestly the few times i did, it was really just dumb luck.
This was harder for me to get than it should have been and Mistress was so patient with me. i am surprised i didn't end up having to do an essay.
She gave me some clues... [1:56] Jacquelin Mazi: you watch peoples eyes.... they watch things that happen..... where your eyes focus tells a lot... how they focus... wide.... soft.....tear-stained ... terrified...
... but then really boiled it down for me. The way She would like it work is that if she say something like "/me leans forward to scratch your ear," that means she actually DID scratch my ear and i am to respond as if she had.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Project C is taking longer than i thought. Tomorrow. *crosses her fingers*
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I spent today and some of last night looking around the web for ideas for this one and just so everyone is clear, when Mistress first gave me this assignment She had it clearly listed as Project A, B and C. At this point my recollection of which project is which is completely muddled. Oops. Maybe i'll call this one Project C simply because it will be the third that i will have done.
Monday, March 9, 2009
- Mistress has me watching a TV show. When She first told me about it i was kind of perturbed since i have never really been a big TV fan but this show is actually not bad. i might even say it was good if that wasn't so counter to what i've always thought about TV. The show is Lie to Me and it is about a company that specializes in reading people's body language to determine whether they are telling the truth. They make a lot of comparisons to famous people who have been caught lying and mostly it is pretty compelling so far. Mistress compared Herself to the character on the show but mentioned Her ability to spot a lie in a string of text as opposed to body language. That almost seems like an entirely different skill to me. Related but different.
- The tie in with me for the TV show is that since i now need to emote before everything i say in SL, she will be watching those emotes very carefully. In a way i like that Mistress is so watchful. It makes me feel wanted and oddly, sort of protected.
- Rather than trying to adjust to US hours again for only a few weeks, i've decided to work nights (and stay on Manila time) which is starting to mean that they are giving me work during the day and night from two continents at once. i am almost looking forward to going back at this point just so i will have less work to do.
- i made a spelling error in an essay i did for Mistress. i got one letter wrong in one word. i typed 'whoch' instead of 'which' as i recall. This is going to sound cruel and extreme but it falls into that strange category of things in my life that i hate as much as i crave. Mistress had me beg Her to zap me as a punishment for the spelling error. i hate begging mostly because i feel like i am so bad at it. i have blogged before that i hate to beg. i have no conception of what that is like - to need something so desperately that it needs to be begged for. i hate it for that reason alone but add to that the fact that it is humiliating and demeaning and i am being forced to beg for something that really, honestly hurts. i have to beg earnestly (since Mistress can spot a lie in a string of text) and i am rewarded with a zap in the neck. This time though She had me count the zaps (which is never a good sign - more than one is awful!) and when i messed up the count (at three as i remember) she started again at zero. In total i remember seven zaps for getting one letter wrong. if i could go back and fix the error... i believe that i wouldn't. Something about having Her treat me like that is intimate. Knowing that She enjoys it and it is something i can give to Her... i sometimes feel like i just don't get it myself but it is something that is sort of fundamental to me at this point. Weird, huh?
Friday, March 6, 2009
i've been sounding kind of pathetic lately and it is a combination of two things.
As i wrote that last sentence, i realized that what i am about to write might sound like an excuse. i mean it as an explanation.
i was so pleased when Mistress gave me my most recent rule - the one about having to emote before EVERYTHING i say in SL. i took that to mean offline IMs as well. Let me back up.
Sometimes i log in and see Mistress and all is well in Gacktyland. On a really good day (like today) i'll get so see Jan too. There are other days where i won't see either of them, which is a disappointment but no big deal really. i mean life goes on, right?
So when i log off after not having seen Mistress, i will send Her an IM saying that i was sorry to have missed Her but my attempt at emoting that made me sound like a simpering little needy-butt. i told Her that i am truly grateful that She told me about it. It is like telling a friend that they have mustard on their lip. i don't want to KEEP doing it but i wasn't aware how i sounded.
So the two things...
- Thing 1: i am still trying to get better at what to emote and i need to include more. Not just feelings but body language and more physical things.
- Thing 2: i was following the letter of the new rule but kind of missed the point of it.
My outfit experiment: A total bust.
[0:40] Jacquelin Mazi: I seriously love that outfit.... seemed a shame to have you huddled in a kneel wearing it.... I just wanted to see you in it... so I thought I would display you while we spoke *smiles*... the belly button piercing sets it off very nicely
[0:41] Emilee Gackt smiles, more than Your answer gives her cause to. "i need to confess something Mistress."
[0:41] Jacquelin Mazi: its new..... Jaan bought it
[0:42] Emilee Gackt shakes her head, still smiling. "May i speak please Mistress?"
[0:42] Jacquelin Mazi cringes: "I'm losing my touch? Hm..... I blame you.... fine.... you may speak... I will beat you for it later"
[0:43] Emilee Gackt smiles. "Fair enough Mistress. i wore this for the first time tonight. You bought it for me when we first met and i never liked it. i was sure that you wouldn't like it - it seems so unlike Your usual tastes. i expected You to tell me not to wear it again."
[0:44] Emilee Gackt smiles, looking down at You. "And i would have found some sly way to let You know that You chose it for me."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
i emoted twice as i remember it that i was grateful for Mistress' thoughtfulness. i sort of 'got away with' a T-word and maybe became sloppy? So i got zapped and fully realize that i earned it.
We talked about prospective slaves again tonight. It is an odd feeling seeing Her have such high standards and seeing so many fail to be accepted. Is there really no one in SL that can give Mistress waht i have? Am i really all that AND a bag of chips?
(That was ghetto fabulous Emilee. We now return to our normally scheduled blog).
i got back to Arizona VERY late. i was supposed to get in at about midnight Saturday night but there was a problem with the plane and i landed at about 4:30 or so on Sunday morining.
It is shocking really how hard it is to adjust to such a huge time change. Every part of me feels worn out and ragged and at the same time i can barely get any sleep. i either feel this need to be working and preparing for my trip back to the Phils or it is daytime in the Phils and i just can't sleep. Ugh! Sleeping pills make me so dizzy but i am not seeing much of a choice.
It was a good night in SL:
[2:53] Jacquelin Mazi nods and slips off to bed exhausted...... but .... pleased
The exhausted part wasn't good although i am grateful that she stayed up. It was the pleased part that made me happiest.