Sunday, January 11, 2009

The way things REALLY are

I don't like being in this bane suit again but it is livable for now. I guess I've gotten used to the idea as a temporary way of existing. What I really hate is having done this to myself and having caused Mistress to have to do it to me.

It's like grade school and having the mindset that a teacher gives you a grade rather than having taken the responsibility of earning a grade. This wasn't given to me; I earned it.

I don't like being in this suit but it doesn't matter:
  • A slave's feelings aren't relevant
  • I brought this on myself

It wouldn't matter even if I hadn't earned this. A salve has no right to grumble or complain and neither does a slave.

A more advanced student of slavery might say that I am wrong about the point above (this is a guess by the way). If I have truly given myself to someone it would go beyond my feelings not being relevant; it would mean that my feelings belong to Mistress, not to me. It doesn't matter if I hurt, am lonely, ashamed... it matters that Mistress owns those feelings. It was so abstract before. She has a right to what belongs to her and I have no right to withhold it.

I've sent Mistress a few emails (long, deep ones that hurt to write) and a few assignments that were due and have received nothing in reply. At first I was hurt that there was nothing in my inbox. I don't own that - the right to be hurt is a privilege. I must keep on as I am, not complaining. That has nothing to do with being a bane again. It is more - all - about being a slave and owning nothing.

I was late on rent again a few days ago. Thank goodness we've been in the house long enough that Rain holds it for us. There is also probably a good bit of luck that no one came along and rented it out from under us. Mistress said that we almost lost our house. It would have been more proper for her to say that I almost lost her house.

I don't like this suit but I hate that I earned it.

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