I logged in at 8:55 and SL saved the message from Mistress at 9:14. If I am reading it right, I logged in and got this IM from Mistress before she left it. I am sure I will never be able to compensate for time zones.
Mistress has me very restricted:
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to send IM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to receive IM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to detach this from the left hand
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to sit >1.5m
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to stand once seated
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to use Inventory
[9:26] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to read notecards
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to remove clothes
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to touch far objects
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see worldmap
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see location
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[9:27] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
I haven't taken her seriously enough in the past. The only reason I ever could do all these things is because she allowed it. When I AM able to do these things again it will be because she allows it. I am as anxious for that day as I am fearful of it. All of a sudden, all these things seem like privileges and it is scary to admit that. I can only do very simple, very basic things because she allows me to and my ability to do any of them might be lost in an instant.
I feel:
- Childish, as if I am not smart enough to decide on my own what I should or shouldn't do.
- Embarrassed that she took these from me in the first place.
- An urge to earn these things back and then protect my ability to do them.
- Like I've been selfish with Mistress for far too long.
- Bad for people like Jan. If I had been what Mistress wanted me to be (and I easily could have) I wouldn't have deprived Jan of our friendship for so long.
Enough of all this me, me, me and I, I, I. How about I start considering how Mistress feels for once? What a shock.
She must feel:
- I am for some reason worth all this trouble. I mustn't disagree with her but I'm not sure I agree.
- I will never learn. I mustn't disagree with her but this time I am sure I disagree.
- She has deserved better from me from the very start.
- As much impatience with me as patience.
I was lucky to find her and I will treat her how she deserves to be treated.
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