More from the bane brain

I remember the first time I was banished in May what a lift it was when Mistress would visit me. I couldn't talk but I could still use gestures. I sent her a 'Please' gesture. It was futile of course and I ponder that now and feel the same hopelessness - there is an end to this in sight but it is so far away that it might as well be permanent at this point.

My goodness I sound pathetic. Everything is coming out much more victim-y than I mean it to.

I had another idea that maybe this is too much for me. Maybe I am too high in RL to be so low in SL, that I am not cut out to be a slave. Kind of ironic, isn't it? How different things would be if I had stumbled on to this kind of relationship 11 or 12 years ago, before SL was even a glimmer. There are RL choices that I have that so strongly affect my SL slavery. My challenge is to eliminate those choices voluntarily since there really is no way for Mistress to truly own them. I have to give them to her and then live my life in a way that reflects that. It is too easy for me go my own way and do what I please.

On the other hand...

My SL with Mistress is too much to give up. I need to find a way to let her control the RL parts of me that apply to all of SL, which she owns totally.

I had a visit from someone today:

[10:35] Some people: ...
[10:36] Some people: ..
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:37] Emilee Gackt: ..
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:37] Some people: ...
[10:38] Some people: ...
[10:39] Some people: ...
[10:40] Some people: ...
[10:41] Some people: ...

I was surprised that she was so persistent in trying to talk to me but then again, I'm not sure what she saw in chat. I'm not sure if she knew what I saw in chat.

There is a goal in most things and with Mistress and in this kind of relationship this is it:
[11:20] Jacquelin Mazi: you sound as if you are finally breaking.... after so many months

'Too good to be true' comes to mind but not in the way it usually does. I mean it like what Mistress said is too good for me. This will be an odd paragraph for anyone other than Mistress and I to understand, I'm sure. I am having an internal struggle with myself over what I deserve from her in SL and what I have just taken from her. I deserve nothing from her but I have taken much while giving little in return. I've been selfish with her.