Friday, January 16, 2009

Feeling more calm

I guess I am realizing that even though Mistress has let me see the end of this and has allowed me a goal, things won't change much. I even find myself hoping they don't.

There is an odd kind of security in this, in knowing what happens next, in knowing and seeing so clearly that Mistress has a plan for me. I don't want that to disappear when I am out of this suit. I want to keep feeling what I'm feeling right now and keep this clarity and sense of purpose.

I don't want to be so passive that Mistress needs to tell me exactly what to do and when. I want to be respectful and obedient but not a zombie. It would be so much easier if I could read her mind but then I'd just be a zombie I guess.


There is a balance I am looking for, somewhere between bane and zombie. In a way I so don't want to leave this suit but right now it is one of so few things that I do want very desperately.

No comments: