Saturday, January 17, 2009

My mother is not to blame, I did this to myself.
This is a hard one; I've never felt like I've blamed her really. I've just widened the distance between us and maybe held a grudge (that I really should get over) but I've always felt like the way things are is the way things are. Blaming her or anyone is moot. On the other hand, Mistress has a unique perspective about me and my feelings and has always been able to get right to the heart of the matter.
This one sometimes shows up 2 or 3 times in a row but from what I can tell, the order of the mantra is randomized. Strange.
Now I need to blame my mother for me blaming her.

Service is its own reward.
I'm not sure I quite get this one. Maybe I'd be more enthusiastic if it was 'Serving Mistress is its own reward.' That is much more tangible to me and of course more meaningful.

Trying to hide my feelings only earns me more punishment.
It has always been hard for me to open up to people. That's just who my life has made me. Events build who we are and the events that I have lived have made me more solitary than most people. I hate it. I want people to know me and I want to confide in people and learn to trust more freely. Mistress keeps asking for this and I keep being too scared or habitual to break from my past and give her what she wants. In this case, what she wants is what I want but still I make it difficult for both of us.

I love Mistress Jacquelin.
I can only guess why this one was included. It seems so obvious so there must be something deeper to it. If she reinforces it like this, I can't help but remember it when I am faced with options that might draw me closer or take me further from her. It is something that I have given her so to be forced to say it almost makes it less sincere. I've loved her when I've been at my worst and at my best. I love that when I've been so up and down, she's been so consistent.

I've been in SL for about an hour. Mantra count so far:
I love Mistress Jacquelin: 1
My mother is not to blame, I did this to myself: 3
Service is its own reward: 1
Trying to hide my feelings only earns me more punishment: 2

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