I have never been at such a loss as I am with Mistress sometimes. Just utterly at a loss at what she wants from me, even though she has told me before what she wants. Repeatedly.
I keep wanting this to be something I can master and once I have it, I can more or less set it on auto-pilot.
We were talking about hypno and what she could do for me and do to me using it. She mentioned a few things, some good and some bad - I mean good and bad in kind of an extreme sense. I completely missed it. She gave me an opportunity to react to something - she has been stressing this since we've been together - don't think, just react, listen to my heart.
[17:23] Jacquelin Mazi chuckles and nods: "very true lil gackty one.... oh but you are quite remiss in your duties... you are not reacting at all to this new-found information... I admit I am quite disappointed"
I read that line over and over just completely puzzled. I knew the information but what duties? I scoured my brain over and over and came up with nothing. Was I supposed to have done an essay? Lines? I was so confused.
My duty was to respond to what she said she could do. How did I feel about it? What were my emotions?
My mind has been locked onto the idea of trusting Mistress since we began the hyno experiments. That was all I could process when she brought it up just recently. She can do x, y, and z to me but I trust her. I felt like this was kind of an accomplishment for some reason. Before now, trust has been a given but now that it is really a crucial thing for us, I wanted to make sure that I didn't waver. I would trust her no matter what.
All well and good except that what she wants is my heart and emotion. She has had my trust but she wants my heart now. When she says I am withholding I get so exasperated. I know that she is right of course and not just because she is Mistress - she really is right. But I am not withholding from her consciously. The way I express emotion - my heart - is a matter of who I was as a girl and how I was raised and stifled. I am just now learning to peel away what my mom did to me and learn that I can feel what I want to. I WANT to love Mistress and so I do. I love her because I chose to, not because mom said I could.
Next on the list will be learning to be OK with expressing what I have learned that I feel. It is OK to feel it and it needs to be OK to share it.
The last time I did was the last time I talked to her. I took a stand with her (finally) and told her that I was going to marry Dave and that I picked him out and I love him and I am not sorry for it. I knew that when I was saying all that to her that there would be repercussions and I constantly deal with having made this very unfair trade. Why can't I have a mom who is happy for me at my wedding like everyone else? Why did me saying that I love Dave have to cost me so much?
That is part of why I keep things in. With Mistress there is more. When I am at my best with her I am in a constant struggle against a strong current. A swim and swim and just barely keep up with her. Barely but I do. When I get lazy, I fall back and she spots it in an instant. When she does I feel so much respect for her that I am nearly speechless. If she becomes frustrated - which nearly anyone would - I start to stress and think instead of looking in my heart. It is this deep, automatic mother proofing I have built up. I get defensive and immediately start to see ways to justify to myself why I am not wrong about whatever it is.
Mistress is so very patient with me, especially given what she knows and has done. That makes me feel love for her, an affectionate, almost parental love. Maybe like a student loves and respects a teacher, but deeper than that.
When I disappoint her I hate it. I hate what I've done and I hate how I couldn't see it and that I have to hurt her in order for her to help me see how dense I've been.