Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I worry sometimes what people think of Mistress based on what they read here. There is so much that is unbloggable about any relationship. Nuance and feeling and emotion that are so intangible and indescribable.

When Mistress decides on a punishment there is a lot that goes into it. That word - punishment - almost cheapens what she accomplishes by it. I am sure it conjures so many images for people and so many cliche stereotypes.

The truth is that when she creates these punishments, they really are designed to help me learn. I'm not sure if Mistress knows this or not but one of the pillars of adult learning is that they need to learn for themselves. It creates ownership of course but it is in the puzzling things out that the learning takes place.

There is a saying that has been around forever and it is very valid, especially here. The saying is (I'll accentuate it by putting it in another font):

The best way to learn something is to teach it to someone else.
Again, I'm not sure Mistress knew how valid this statement is but in my here and now, it is particularly relevant. The best way for me to learn and to really get her concepts into my head is for me to tell others what happened, why and how. And it turns out that this is exactly what my punishment is, at least in part. In my mind this is the main part of it.
Also in my mind is the fact that this is the result of me doing something stupid and so technically this is a punishment but if we could take away what I did wrong and I still had to do what I have to do now, I count it as a blessing, as another of the ways that Mistress can see what I need and provide for it.
I also need to learn to be patient and not to forget my place, and my punishment incorporates all three of these. I want to spend some time clarifying things before I go forth into the world to accept my punishment and/or express my admiration for Mistress. It just doesn't sit right with me to call this a punishment. This hard part of it is the lesson; the other parts are the punishment. If I am going to reinforce something I need to be sure that I am reinforcing the right thing.
Lots of dominant types - and especially the ones in SL - fail to make the connection that Mistress does. The connection between the sin and the lesson to be learned. It is in fashion, so to speak, to just beat the bad behavior out of someone of make a spectacle of the person with no regard to making the point that there has to be something linking the punishment to the wrong that was done. Mistress knows this and does it to a T.
Once I am finished with this I am sure I will be closer to who and what Mistress expects and deserves me to be but I will feel like I got away with something, even though a lesson was learned. I guess that is why she is in charge and I am SO not in charge.
I am desperately tired.

1 comment:

Jaan Dubrovna said...

I so appreciate what you blog. I love you for the ways we are the same and how you understand me. But it is so fascinating and appealing to try to understand the differences between us.

I am beginning to get a glimpse of "how vastly intelligent" Mistress is. I am beginning to get a glimpse of understanding beyond the punishment thing. Of course I only see what you describe and I could be totally misunderstanding but this is what I see that I think is really good--

She enjoys your reactions--your emotions. I guess this is one of the reasons she is a Mistress--what makes her who she is.

It seems to me, (and I may be wrong after all) that this is healing for you. You are being able to open up in ways that were stifled when you were growing up. It is interesting. This is theraputic in a way that is tailored specifically for you. What you enjoy is pleasing Mistress and accepting and enduring the punishments as a part of it.

But although Mistress is getting something from this, it seems to me that you are being freed from some of life's baggage because of what she is doing. She really is kind as you describe her. People on the outside have to look for it because the way she does things is a foreign concept to most of us.

Her treatment of you is such that probably most people would not understand. But it seems to me that despite what others might seem as cruelty, her goals for you are for your ultimate good.

It looks good to me--like you are being set free.

I hope I am "getting it" a little better, Emilee. I really appreciate your willingness to share yourself this way with me.

I hope you are glad that my view of Mistress is changing a bit. I know this is what you have been trying to communicate in your blog and I want to encourage you. I think it is sinking in.

Love you dear--