Thursday, July 24, 2008

Today's lessons

This entry might not make much sense to anyone other than Mistress and me. Of those two, Mistress might be the only who truly understands how the gackty brain seems to work.

Mistress is not fond of repeating herself.

This blog is very important to her. She uses it in many ways but mostly it is her giant microscope into the world of the gackty one.

This is so true of me:

"... you WANT to make me happy and please me.... but when I am not standing over you.... these simple wants begin to vanish a bit and become more vague.... you let so many things overwhelm you that you forget why you are here"

I've been in SL for so long and done so many things that I have this deeply rooted feeling that I can come here and do what I want. Now that I am in this relationship where things are different than that, it is difficult to trade one mindset for another.

Everytime I feel like I am a step closer to 'getting it' with Mistress I end up taking a few giant steps backwards. Right now I am in 'getting it' mode. Just react. Spill my heart to her about what she says, what I do, what she does, what she does with me, what she does to me. I get it and in three days? I will lose this feeling and stop being instinctual and be my old self with her again - calculating and scheming and all that.

Goodness what a negative way to put it. Maybe I'll try again...

I get it and in three days if I feel myself slipping maybe I should come back here and read this as a reminder of what was in my heart during my moment of gettingness.

Why is 'getting it' a moment in time for me? Why is it so fleeting? Why can't I keep getting it?

It was a difficult road to get to gettingness. Loads of frustration and futility. I just kept wondering why I should bother trying. Nothing was going to change and things would still be as difficult. Mistress is gifted in many ways. She can take me from tears (like real life actual wet salty tears) to joyous happy giddy laughter in just a few moments. She can take what I think I want and make me wish I'd never mentioned it.

The tricky thing is remembering how kind she will be once she is done being what she must be - what I cause her to have to be. It is like she is both the raging storm and the safe harbour.

Sometimes there is so much to blog about and sometimes there is so little. Sometimes there is a lot but there is so little that I can form into words. This is one of those times.

Todays' definitions:
Sculptor: sculp·tor
1. a person who practices the art of sculpture

Sculpture: sculp·ture
1. the art of carving, modeling, welding, or otherwise producing figurative or abstract works of art in three dimensions.
2. such works of art collectively.
3. an individual piece of such work.

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