Friday, June 20, 2008

Back on track

Mistress: do you recall me asking before I collared you... to explain all you felt during our time together for the day? the good and the bad? every moment of everything? I expressed it all as 'opening the book of gackt' and reading from it..... to see your heart completely and not have you hide anything.... it was always before I dismissed you for the night after spending time together
This was the idea of the blog from the very start and I've been a bit spotty in meeting this requirement. It is to be a daily journal of my feelings. So... here are today's feelings:
I've been struggling with emoting things. How would I feel if I were zapped over and over and over? How would I express that feeling? What would happen if Mistress put a chocolate on my tongue and then didn't give me permission to eat it?

I had the idea a few days ago and shared it with a friend and she seemed to think that it was not completely insane to enhance SL by adding to RL. So I've ordered a shock collar (two days ago) and when Mistress put a chocolate on my tongue today, I did the same thing in RL. It was very helpful and I never would have realized the sensations and stresses that that creates.
She spent a good bit of today explaining a few things - perhaps obvious to some but very useful to me. I am grateful to her for doing that. I have been realizing that I've been self-centered (see yesterday's blog) and her help with this was very timely.

To express this will possibly lead to unclear motives or will appear that I am sucking up. Oh well. One of the changes I've noticed in myself is that I am more sincere so appearances be damned. I am saying what I am going to say regardless of how it is received.

I am grateful for Mistress' help and I am eager for her to be pleased with me, not because of how it makes me feel but because it pleases her. It is important to me that she be happy, regardless of anything else. If it makes her happy that I suffer or am frustrated or uncomfortable, then so be it. I will suffer or be frustrated or uncomfortable to please her. The help she gave me today will help me help her be happier in SL and enjoy it more.

The friend I mentioned earlier said something to me that I thought about again today after I logged out. She said to be careful what you wish for. It occurred to me that the things I like in SL are like waves; they come and go and have a peak. So like it or not I've gotten myself into a position where I need to be diapered in RL whenever I am logged into SL, which I've mentioned before. The new twist and the new worry (?) is what will happen when diapering isn't really a fetish any more? In the past, when I grew weary of something, I'd just move on. Gor, ponytraining, etc. I decided I was done with it and would move on. Having this Mistress and having her be so 'real' is utterly exciting and a bit worrisome. I'm not sure if she's indulged me or if she knew where this would all lead. I'm not at that point yet - not even close - but it did occur to me.

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