The awful suit

i guess this time it wasn't a suit as much as it was just a box and the helmet that goes with the suit. i need to back up.

i logged in early tonight, hoping to log some significant time against my sentence, however long it was. In the past, the suit gave me an update periodically and i got an update in chat just after i logged in. it said i had accumulated 38 violations and just the extensions - not including the sentence - was a week and 3 days.

i told Mistress and not surprisingly (sadly) i missed an opportunity to be what she wants me to be. Instead of telling her how i felt, i asked if it was actually correct. It just couldn't be right.

i guess i felt too much to feel anything, at least yet. It just couldn't be real, it couldn't be accurate. Looking back i guess i felt like i just needed the mistake fixed, you know? Like fix and then tell me what i have to deal with for real but of course the whole time there was this awful doubt that it truly was a mistake.

If i had been able to be more in the moment right then, i'd have felt fear most of all. This would have been a very extreme punishment and the longer the sentence is, of course the more opportunities there are to make mistakes which extend it.

Disbelief.

Shock.

Disappointment.

i'll add to this as things come to me.

Mistress has asked me why i don't beg Her for anything. Why did I not beg to be let out, to be forgiven? i'm not sure why. For so long, things have been so easy for me to get that having to beg doesn't even enter my mind. i endure but begging is still so foreign to me. Even if it did occur to me, i must confess that there is probably a good bit of pride between me and begging. i would endure proudly before i would beg.

i need to remember to consider Mistress' wishes. She wishes me to beg and if i could do that for her, my life in SL would probably be less difficult.

It turns out that the week + 3 days was a glitch somewhere. The sentence was originally three hours, nowhere near what i had imagined it to be.

[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: even with the penalty settings.... your penalties should have been only 10 minutes
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi shrugs
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: maybe the mouselooks? but even still... couple hours tops....
[7:47] Jacquelin Mazi: no matter
[7:48] Jacquelin Mazi: I suspended the last hour of your sentence.... you only did 2 hours... and change.... don't make me regret it

When Mistress let me out, She gave me a new rule:

[7:44] Jacquelin Mazi: first... EVERY moment..... from now on.... you are to be emoting ...... SOMETHING.... I don't care what.... just like in RL... you don't vanish.... you shift squirm listen react move gesture.... whatever.... you will now do that here....

It is odd but i have been wanting this rule for some time now. i could have been doing this on my own but... i just didn't. This makes it official so now i don't have to decide to do it. i just will.

i blogged a few weeks ago about how i am coping with the time difference between where i am and the Philippines. i get up between 5 and 6 (usually 5:30) depending on what is taking place that day and what calls need to be made to the US. If i get to work at 6:00, it is 3:00 pm in the US which leave lots of time to contact people.

If i see Mistress online at my usual time, i will normally spend 2 or 3 hours with her and on various projects which puts me in bed by about 3 or 4 am which = about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. i try to make up the difference by going to bed as soon as i get home from work but there are lots of days that we will go out with some of the clients (they are staying in the same hotel as we are). That puts me in bed at around 11 pm or midnight. my usual time is 1:00 am for me which = 9:00 am SL time. Ouch, huh?

Mistress has shown her compassion to me again:

[7:57] Jacquelin Mazi: I dislike you getting so little sleep lil gackty one... it makes you do .... foolish things.... here and maybe in RL

*smiles*

i am glad to have her, no matter how difficult she seems to the untrained eye.

i am looking forward to my next assignment. It may be the first one that i can use in my job and at SL. someone PLEASE remind me to scour it for any uses of the word 'Mistress' before i use it at work.