Saturday, June 6, 2009

Not good...

[8:35] Jacquelin Mazi: I have one important question
[8:36] Jacquelin Mazi: Did you accomplish your exercise goals?
[8:36] Emilee Gackt shakes her head slowly, eyes on Yours and replies quietly, "No Mistress."
[8:38] Emilee Gackt's heart begins to race as she waits for Your response.
[8:38] Jacquelin Mazi is Offline

i hated having disappointed Mistress like this. When She logged off like that without a word my mind was swimming:
  • 'Maybe She just crashed.' No... She just told me that She was about to log off because of a storm. She left intentionally and She knew what dread and worry would fill my lil gackty mind.
  • Don't i have another day to make the goal? It is only Saturday night! Maybe... but up until now i could only get to about 14 minutes of actual continuous jogging. Can i get to 20 minutes in one more day? Possibly but very unlikely. According to the trainer in the gym, i haven't been stretching enough prior to exercising which is why i am sore all over. My guess was that it was too many trips to Starbucks and using the elevator instead of stairs and a very aggressive goal that made me so achy.
  • i disappointed Her. All the pain and sweat and work and aching and running and tummy crunchers haven't been enough. i needed to have done more and demanded more from myself and i didn't and so She left disappointed in me for the first time in a long time. Whatever the punishment is for not making my goal will be secondary to this feeling. i have been so happy with Her lately - that She was happy with me. i can always tell when She is pleased because of this: [8:27] Jacquelin Mazi smiles and beeps your nose lightly. When she does that it is because i have done well, i have pleased Her, i have lived in an absence of screw ups and given her my most sincere efforts. More than anywhere, i am motivated by recognition when i am with Mistress. She could give me thousands of Lindens and all the freedom and liberty i could ask for but i would trade it all for one of Her nose beeps.
  • This is one time when i can honestly say that i gave Her my best effort and still fell short. There have been times with Her when i have been lazy, unmotivated, not in the mood... call it what you will and i failed because of that. This time was different. This time i could see the goal and see the benefit and it was just too much for me. Regardless of what happens, i am glad for having this as a goal.
  • She could give me a more aggressive exercise goal as a punishment but that seems unlikely since i already fell short on this one. Maybe She would... i really have no idea but i have no doubt that it will be dreadful. i so wish that it had already begun so that it could be finished more quickly.
  • i am sorry. This isn't the kind of casual, over-used 'i'm sorry' that is sometimes tossed about. This is a real, sincere, 'i am sorry for disappointing You.'

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