Friday, May 23, 2008


Our time together is sometimes still quite stressful to me; I am still 'learning' you and at this point I know you only well enough to keep you at least semi-satisfied. I am anxious for more of my personality to seep in to our conversations.

I look back at my notes of our conversations and I see so many things I say starting with "Emilee Gackt nods." It's so repetitive but there isn't a suitable synonym for 'nod’, really. I'm constantly tempted to stop using emotes just to avoid sounding so parrot-like. "Squawk! Emilee Gackt nods. Emilee Gackt nods." I'll be preening myself soon and doing that little head-bob thing that caged birds do when they see themselves in a mirror.

You winked at me and my heart leaped! I was so thrilled to see a bit of affection so casually given. A wink is so personal and so intimate to me. Such a simple gesture but it can mean so many things. I was so happy at that wink. I made it mean that you understand me and that you care for me. You care for me.

And then you shushed me a minute later. "The grown ups are talking" you said. How demeaning that you'd think of me as not even a grown up, not fit to take part in a conversation. A conversation about ME no less! Then my mind created a picture of it, you discussing my banishment with Green reminded me of a parent discussing a child's care with her doctor. How odd that I should find being shushed and demeaned so caring and loving.

Being with you today was so touching and so terribly needed. I have 33 minutes left. Without our time today I'd be going into this alone. I can't imagine that. I feel so near you all of a sudden. I need you with me while I am bane. That will give me a goal and an end to strive for.

I'm running out of time. I wanted to include more on this and it looks like I'll need to blog it. I had so many thoughts today. So much anticipation. I didn't think I'd be so scared which is silly. Of course I'm scared. What was I thinking? I personalized everything about Gor so why wouldn't I do the same here?

I have 19 minutes left.

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