Missed the obvious again

In my blog profile it says that I sometimes overlook the obvious and I did just that today and yesterday. I bought a house and am moving into it with Mistress. How is that not worth a blog entry? I mentioned the mechanics of it but not the significance.

It's strange how my feelings are shifting. I still crave my times with Mistress and it's change some; there is a bit of dread mingled with everything else I've been feeling - curiosity, excitement, humility, shame, fear... I feel different things on different days.

I'm carrying all that into this move. I'm excited about it and all of a sudden I'm feeling some dread. Not reluctance or hesitation. Just dread. I have no doubt that I'll have some trying challenges in that house and I'm looking forward to them and dreading them. Mostly looking forward at this point. For now.

Sometimes this is hard

Everytime I start thinking how hard it is to keep doing this blog everyday something happens that makes it so easy. I go from a complete blank to having so much to write about that I am sure to forget some of it and likely not do the rest of it justice.

It's kind of like that now; I didn't see Mistress yesterday and all I did in SL was buy the new house and send a notecard to the owner asking for a snowflake effect to be turned off or moved; it's snowing in one corner of the upper room. I asked Mistress if she would allow me the ability to send and receive IMs so that the landlord could send me (and Mistress) an invitation for the land group. She did but so far I haven't heard from the landlord.

I waited for Mistress for a a few hours; she never logged on and my instinct tells me that somehow leaving without seeing her is something I'm going to regret. My instinct is also telling me that my instincts are wrong as often as they are correct. Probably more in fact.

I'm getting to miss logging in and hearing that IM chime telling me that I have an IM waiting for me.

So now that I've said what a boring day I had in SL yesterday, I'm sure today will be memorable for one reason or another.

Avoiding extremes

Sometimes when you get to the end of your rope and everything seems so hopeless, it's best to remember something some sports guy said:

"It's never as bad as you fear or as good as you hope."

I'm sure that's not an exact quote but the point of it is clear.

Totally lost

I had no clue what you wanted from me. I still don't. I tried to emote and you zapped and I spoke and you zapped. I can't describe how completely drained I am. Thank God the phone rang. I answered and left him on hold for about 3 minutes while I tried to calm myself and even then he kept asking if it was a good time to talk. I've given you all that I have and all that I know how to give. I've told you every secret about me and I've told you how I look forward to seeing you and you used it against me. I just don't know what you want.

House hunting, among other things

My goodness it's hard to find a house in SL. They're all either so alike or so primmy! Modern with a great room and a loft or 400+ prims. I think the best way to go is to find a prefabbed house on an existing lot.

I spent another day with Mistress trying to get everything just so and didn't think (or even say it) once. It was odd to me that she was being so meticulous about something that can be changed so readily but who am I to question why? It became clear last night during a visit to Jina. When I first saw her she reminded me of my Banishment processor and when she started using words like 'process' I was quite apprehensive.

I suppose much worse things could have happened; she (somehow) made the brand Mistress gave me a permanent part of my skin - not just a layer of clothing but a permanent part of the skin. The brand of course is a whole 'nuther story.

If I was the Mistress I'm not sure how I'd go about branding a slave. I could tell her when and where and let her fret about it for days or I could do like Mistress did and just have it be a surprise. It was quite a surprise. I had no idea that it was coming and when we had finished with Jina, all these pieces seemed to fall into place; Mistress has a plan and I have no clue what's coming next.

It's a tricky thing about having a brand or being branded. It's so much more personal than just a collar. It's an excruciating, humiliating process and a demeaning thing to have to wear and now it's permanent. If she had asked if I'd be branded I'd have said yes (and meant it) and it would still have been everything I just described; the fact that she didn't ask just makes it more so.

She showed me how my new chastity belt works today. It's odd not knowing what she'll change or lock onto me from one day to the next and of course she knows that and knows that it will keep me in a constant state of minor upheaval. Anyway, the belt is permanent apparently and is more than just effective. It's a portable little punishment machine. I'm sure she'll get lots of enjoyment from it.

It's funny (not funny haha, but more like funny ironic) how the things you 'ask' for come back to haunt you. I put a 5 next to chastity belts on a list of preferences I had given Mistress. I liked the idea of something that intimate being so thoroughly controlled. Not only is it controlled but it is used as a torment. I have to confess (now that I've had time to think on it) that all this diaper business was really a request. I am beginning to miss the tenderness of people who are gone now and I think that this was an attempt to replace them. It started out innocently but soon evolved into me trying to sneak something in and now it's just an utter embarrassment. Sadly, it seems likely that I'll probably do the same thing to her again and she'll let me and I'll regret that too.

So my face has been changed (to HER preferences, not mine), my skin has been permanently branded and to 'help it heal' she's locked me in big capsule, which means of course that I can't even see the new me and I’m locked in until she comes back., at which point I’ll probably be locked in some more.

Another odd thing occurred to me. This woman treats me horribly, welds a collar to my neck, brands me like an animal, mocks me, embarrasses me in front of crowds of strangers and so on and when I am not with her, I absolutely crave more time with her.

I think I can...

In just under two hours I said 'think' 6 times and 'thought' three times and I sent two IMs. It's like talking to a dog or a child or a brick wall. She says 'Don't say these words.' Simple enough. How about if I say them 4 or 5 times an hour?

One of my IMs in that span of time was to rachelle, so not too big a deal; she gets it and offered to TP me. The other IM was a response to a group IM. It wasn't a D/s group or even a small group. I sent an IM to the group 'Obama for President' and they all (probably all 922 of them) got an IM saying that mine was blocked by my viewer. Then they all started talking and laughing about it in the group IM and all I could do was just sit and watch. I eventually closed the IM and left the group.

I was so careful when I was bane; I wonder why this is so much more difficult for me. This seems like a much less drastic condition than being a bane and the punishments are less severe but it still seems that I should use the same caution and care,

I spent that entire two hours with rachelle. I never know if I should capitalize her 'R.' I should at least pick something and go with it instead of being so inconsistent. Anyway, she becomes a more valuable friend every time I meet her. She is always so full of advice and tips that I'm sure would have taken me forever to figure out. What a mercy it is that I have her!

Everyday?

I am to blog about my activities every day that I spend time in SL, even on days that are filled with things as mundane as looking for a prefabbed house.

It seemed annoying at first and now that I'm actually writing, I'm realizing something about this. Even when Mistress is not here, this blog is a link between us and a subtle form of domination. On our 'days off' (so to speak) I am still required to give her my thoughts and efforts. That makes this quite more than just a blog.

I spent Sunday in SL mostly looking for a house. Mistress would like 3 rooms with not a lot of prims. I found some that were charming - beachfront style homes with the right amount of space and rooms. Not too expensive as I remember - $1000L or some such. And they were only 500 and 600 prims each! Ack! I'm just boggled. Why would anyone buy a house with that many prims? I looked at other houses that were a tenth that primmy and just as nice to look at. The space in those just wasn't quite right, so the search goes on.

We have a nice enough plot of land in mind. It's now just a matter of putting a house on it.

I did a bit more inventory organizing. Keeping the Trash emptied is becoming a challenge to remember. Every random note or picture I get decline ends up in the Trash so I need to remember to empty it daily.