Projects C and B and no A

Project C:
She logged in just in time to see her owner leave for work with a promise of some time when she comes back.

Project B:
Logged in and her owner gave her a one time offer of freedom with no repercussions. She declined (which I felt was quite brave of her) and is stuck in a box. From what she told me it will probably be her permanent home. Her owner said that her cuffs would soon be welded on so she asked just to get it done with. Her owner declined and said something like 'all in good time.'

My guess: she wants to see some fear and trembling from Project B first. She wants Project B to really feel the meaning of having her cuffs welded in place, to dread it before it actually happens and regret it once it does.

Her owner has made a few menacing promises - in the box pretty much forever and now she might have to wear a hood permanently. Project B seems to have a mix of dread and eagerness about it all, like she wants it and doesn't want it. Either way she needs to be more aware of and open with her feelings. Sound familiar? Sometimes fiction is stranger than the truth. No wait... the truth is stranger this time.

3 projects...

Mistress has given me three projects to look after in my spare time. We're calling them Projects A, B and C. We spent lots of time on the names and really I feel like it shows. The names are descriptive but not too long. Really they seem just perfect.

Project A got off to an inauspicious start tonight. Sims weren't available and so she landed in goodness knows what sim and heard from no one. Typical SL, isn't it? (This is my way of saying that I need some time to get creative and really come up with something good).

Projects B and C have been started but no new progress has been made yet.

A short note this time...

One of my favorite things is when Mistress gives me a peek at her humanity. Sometimes it is a chink in her armour and I get an unintended glimpse and other times she gives me the luxury of seeing her as a real, fragile human being.

I feel drawn to her when she lets me in like that. I feel grateful and honored and I feel that it is a privilege that must be protected along with the bit of her she has exposed. Each hint, each clue she gives me is a gift and a puzzle piece and the more I know her the more things fall into place with her and with us.

Doing a little profile 'house cleaning'

Mistress has asked me to restore my profile and given me some guidance on how she'd like it, including picks, a few details here and there and what groups to display.

It just occurred to me that most of my groups have really no meaning to me. A few are there for practical reasons (KamRain Bay Residence group and the Restrained Life group for example) and I have some that I kept for freebies (Ivalde).


Oops. I just got kicked out of SL. I hate that. Minding my own business, working on my profile and they tell me "You have been logged out of SL." Well how about an explanation? Maybe an apology or some kind of advance notice? Sheesh. Anyway...


It is odd to me that most of my groups have nothing at all to do with me and who I am and what I enjoy. When I first began this, the conclusion was going to be that 'I left these groups and joined these.' But now I am faced with my familiar conundrum of fearing to take too much liberty with something. I believe that this time I will err on the side of doing something rather than doing nothing.


I am leaving the groups that I feel are no longer relevant - I have one from as ski shop for goodness sake - and I will keep the important one and the the ones that are 'me' but the others will be deleted.


Ugh. Sometimes I make things so difficult for myself. I was deleting the groups that aren't 'me' and with a stray mouse click, I removed myself from Mistress' group. Twice! It was an innocent mistake but a sloppy one that could have been avoided quite easily. It happened because:

• I was sloppy
• When you delete a group, the remaining groups 'slide' up or down, depending on where you are in the list or...
• ... the list 'reloads' and displays from them all starting with 'None' at the top of the list but the selected group is not necessarily visible
• I was too easily confused
• I wasn't focusing enough on what I was doing
• I wasn't being careful

I rejoined (twice) but I am sure that I'll be hearing about this. when we first met, Mistress said something like 'You are your own worst enemy.' She was right then and would be right now.

So now that I've left the groups I wanted to and re-joined the one I need to (twice), I will start looking for better groups to be a part of. Ones that are 'me.' One of the very few shows I watch on TV is The Office and there is a Dunder Mifflin Paper group in SL. I like to read so I am in the Bantam Dell Book Cafe group. These are groups that will be a reflection of me and my tastes and interests. These are the types of groups that really deserve a spot on my profile.

After today, maybe I should look for some klutz recovery groups.

A slow start

Or is it better called a re-start?

I sat for a long time, waiting for Mistress and I began to wonder what I would do if I logged in at a time that I was not likely to see her, like when she would be at work.

I decided that I really wasn't sure.

• Shopping is different now since all I have comes from her. Maybe it would be better to say that all I will get comes from her and she allows me to keep what I already have.
• Scramble is different too. It seems frivolous somehow and just like with shopping, the money I win wouldn't really be mine anyway.
• Helping newbies seems noble enough but it is hard to be proactive with that; it is more a waiting game so to speak. If someone were to ask, I would devote all that I could to helping.

I don't really want to wait for Mistress to tell me what is allowed and disallowed but I at the same time I feel like I need a nudge (or a kick?) in the right direction. I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to nudge myself.

It doesn't much help that the time zone I am in is soooo far from the US, especially the east coast. Oh well.

This post is much more negative than I intended it to sound. let me summarize and see if I can put a more positive spin on it.

I'm not quite sure how to start again and I don't want to wait for Mistress to tell just what to do. Because she deserves more than a robot, I need to get myself motivated and be proactive about being pleasing to her.

I am still haunted (sounds dramatic, doesn't it?) by the need to constantly be typing mantras.

De-baned

A bane's profile is pretty blank, just stating only the most basic facts. Reinstating everything to be like it was is turing out to be more than just copying and pasting. Something that simple implies picking up where I left off before.

It is different now and it seems like the change in me deserves a new profile. It isn't so easy though. It isn't my profile, it belongs to Mistress.

I guess if it were mine, I'd probably change the text on the main page of it, maybe do a pick and delete the rest. Maybe just leaving it all blank is more of a symbol that it doesn't belong to me - a symbol to me at least.

I have got to be making this too hard. I don't want to have endured that awful suit and appear to have emerged the same as I was going in. I don't know... I'll ask Mistress what she would like in her slave's profile.

I am finally out but not really free at all...

As it got closer and closer, she counted down my time from about 17 minutes:

Time Remaining is: 17min 10sec
Time Remaining is: 10min 0sec
Time Remaining is: 8min 5sec
Time Remaining is: 5min 15sec
Time Remaining is: 4min 25sec
Time Remaining is: 2min 5sec

and then...

Time Remaining is: 3days 0hr

I felt shock at first. Doesn't SHE want me out of this suit too? Isn't it a punishment for us both?

Then I was just surprised that she would be so cruel. But my perception of her being cruel... wouldn't that involve the dreaded T-word? So I decided to just have it be another three days in the suit. I forced myself not to look ahead, to just look at the 'now' of it and be hopeful and obedient. The challenge with this was that sometimes Mistress wants to see me struggle with things and to suffer. Goodness that is an ugly word. There is learning and growing in suffering; she doesn't have me suffer for the sake of cruelty. It is the opposite. She has me suffer so I will be closer to her. If you aren't me you will probably never understand that.

[11:06] Emilee Gackt: If you truly mean for me to stay another three days in this suit I will of course do it and I would do it even if it wasn't locked on. I will hate every moment of it and will type my mantras and I will miss you desperately. I will miss you as much as I hate this wretched suit.
[11:08] Emilee Gackt: You have taken away my anger, my confusion, my frustration... all I can do is what you tell me to do.
[11:09] Emilee Gackt resists her feelings at first and then begins to softly weep.
[11:10] Jacquelin Mazi holds you very tightly kissing your nose lightly: " you have made me very proud... I am glad to have my lil gackty girly back finally"

This one one of the times where she melted me with just a few words. I felt such relief at being let go and at being so cared about and cared for. I was just overhwelmed that it was over, just like that and that there was affection and care and love waiting for me.

After it ended she asked me to lie in the bed with her. She was explaining a few things and then:

[11:43] Jacquelin Mazi: this moment here... is the point

It is about her and me, together happily. She leads and I follow.