Thank goodness for the imagination

My little cartoon avatar spends a lot of time kneeling. i can only guess how it would really feel if i had to spend that much time on my knees:

• My SL self kneels with her toes pointed backwards with her butt resting on her heels. It seems like this would eventually cause a lot of pressure on my feet, stretching my ankle ligaments and such, especially in my right ankle - the one i sprained about 6 months ago. Standing up after kneeling like this would be excruciating as everything unstretches itself.
• My cartoon self usually kneels on a carpet but even if it were a pillow, i can imagine that eventually my weight would press through the cushion and my knees would be pressing into the floor. It would be even worse if i were kneeling upright - without my butt on my heels. No matter how many pillows, i am sure that it would become painful after not very long. i'd have a strong urge to rearrange and shift my weight and don't have to imagine what Mistress' response would be to my fidgeting and fussing.
• The muscles in my thighs would be continually stretched and i would ache for a chance to to relax and unstretch them.
• Kneeling like that would be hard on my back. Staying so straight with no slouching would cause my lower back to begin to ache, then throb, then complain all by itself.
• my hands would constantly be longing to rub aching muscles somewhere but keeping them behind me like that seems like it would make my shoulders begin to ache. i'd want to roll the kinks out of them and would again be stopped by Mistress' lack of interest in my fidgeting.
• Looking up at Mistress or looking at Her feet would begin to stiffen my neck and again, the need roll a few kinks out of it would become more urgent as time would pass.

It seems like standing up and walking after kneeling for a while would take some time. Blood would need to flow back to numb and aching muscles and tendons; ligaments would slowly creep back to their relaxed states of being.

Thank goodness i only have to imagine kneeling, let alone all the other things that might happen in SL.

Cause and affect

Sometimes there is a direct relationship between one thing that happens and how another thing reacts. One thing causes another to happen. You put water in a freezer and it turns to ice. Cause and affect.

Sometimes the relationship between the cause and the affect is less clear. Pure motives might have the affect of angering someone when you combine those motives with less than stellar intellect. An action driven by pure motives that ends up angering someone is a hard thing. How do you start again? How do you prove your worth and honesty and without starting from scratch? How do you accentuate the positive - the motives - when there is such a spirit of... is it distrust or just disappointment?

Will time heal it or is it a matter of taking action? Do you douse the fire or let it burn itself out? It is hard to say which is less worse when the fire is burning in someone else.

i try my best with people (most people and certainly some more than others) and i do what i honestly feel is right and proper and sometimes it turns out to be about 1/10 right and 9/10 wrong. That is too wrong for motives to account for; such a lopsided set of scales need to be set right by removing the wrong but how?

i might have angered the Lindens

Someone asked for help getting rid of the statistics bar (View > Statistics Bar or Ctrl-Shift-1). That got me curious about all the tabs and options i never use. i clicked one that said 'Leave Admin Status.' i clicked it based on the assumption that i could click it again and undo whatever i did by clicking it.

[0:24] Leaving god mode, level 0

Hm. Pretty unspectacular. i clicked it again to undo it and go back to being God:

[0:24] Leaving god mode, level 0

Uhoh. Taken away for good it looks like.

Then i found something else that looked like it would fix things right up: 'Request Admin Status.' i clicked with the highest of expectations:

[0:32] Request for special powers failed. This request has been logged.

Logged? With whom? Will this affect my ability to work in the United States? What powers? Can't they just deny me the powers and not be tattletales about it?

Blogger is back

i deleted my cookies, which is better than losing them regardless of how that is meant. This blog entry should get me (and you, my vast audience) caught up on things.


From 2 (?) days ago:


Countdowns:

Mistress asked me a question and then started counting down from 15 as i typed out an answer, which had to include an emote.

More than 15 seconds? Zap. Wrong answer? Zap. If She didn't like answer? Zap. If she did like the answer? Probably a zap.

Whew.

This was an exercise in grace under fire, dealing with stress and speed typing. Based on my results, i could use a few more lessons. Geez what am i saying?!?

Begging:

i've mentioned this before... that i am probably the least qualified person there is to have to beg for something. i don't know how or where to begin and i've never wanted or needed something badly enough to have to actually beg for it. i've just 'begged' with money in the past.

[11:53] Jacquelin Mazi nods with a light sigh: "I know.... but perhaps part of being a slave... is to ache for your Owner.... part of being a slave is begging for something... "

This is another skill i need to develop if i am to be pleasing to Mistress. It is funny how once you ask for something, life has a way of giving it to you.

Not only do i not know how to beg, i don't even know when to beg without being told to. i have a lot to learn, not just about begging.

How to relax in a developing nation:

Hop into a steaming tub of gritty brown mostly water. Being here reminds me of camping in some ways.

How to get ready for work in a developing nation:

Tightly close all body parts that open, shower quicky* and pretend that for some reason the shower water is cleaner than what comes out of the spigot.

*blogger suggests that the proper spelling of this word is 'quickie.' It doesn't suggest 'quickly.' My hate affair with blogger trudges on.

How to brush your teeth in a developing nation:

Bottled water and American toothpaste.

From yesterday:

Hypocrisy:

When I was younger, maybe 8 or 9, my mother’s husband Paul had a record collection that he doted on. He gave it his complete devotion and when he would listen to a record it was like he was transported. He had this old stereo with tubes in it (that was nearly the size of a refrigerator) and listened on headphones so there was kind of a mystique about it. So private and exclusively his and whatever happens Paul, don't let US hear your crappy music. We aren't worthy.

He forbade each of us to even go near it, which of course made us all want to. If he had never said not to touch it, we wouldn’t have cared about it but he always made such a big deal, like there was something about it that we weren't fit to experience. It was just classical records. Whatever Paul.

I remember when i did sneak a look through the records (many times), i was sort of unimpressed and wondering what the big deal was but mostly i felt like i was committing a huge crime against humanity. i was touching the records! *gasps* i felt so guilty and knew that i shouldn’t be doing it but i was so curious. i still sometimes wish that the reward for my stealthy little crime had been more enjoyable but it was truly a disappointment. All the nervousness and peeking over my shoulder… for nothing really. It just reaffirmed that Paul was a turd.

Holding one of the records in my hands should have been electric somehow but it was just stressful, like holding a gun after a bank robbery. Part of me wanted to take it out and listen to it, part of me was bored with it and part of me (the biggest part by far) felt like i should put it back and run away, far from the stereo and the records and never go near them again.

The hypocrisy part came when Paul would warn us away from his records on pain of death and then during mandatory family worship time (daily at 6 pm regardless of anything), he would tell us the evils us storing up treasures on earth and putting too much emphasis on physical things and too little on spiritual matters. Whatever Paul. Lead by example much?

*smirks*

Why i am a bad person:

i met a newb who had been in SL for a few months and was running around with only an open trench coat on. He was so clearly a lost cause and making such a nuisance of himself that i couldn't help myself:

[1:01] Steven Westminster is now banned from using Axlotl. Good thing too.
[1:02] Axlotl Cheevers shrugs
[1:02] Steven Westminster: hallo Axlotl
[1:03] Emilee Gackt: Nice work on that avatar Steven.
[1:03] Chyenna Jewell: giggles
[1:03] Axlotl Cheevers chuckles
[1:03] Axlotl Cheevers: I think the "anatomically incorrect" look might be coming back into style.
[1:04] Axlotl Cheevers: Might never be as hot as the "VIP" tag, but you never know...
[1:04] Kali Eiren giggles at Steven
[1:04] Kali Eiren waits patiently for Steven to flash everyone from inside his trenchcoat
[1:04] Steven Westminster: Boo!
[1:04] Emilee Gackt waits for him to finish typing.
[1:05] Chyenna Jewell: giggles
[1:05] Steven Westminster: Get lost!

After this he wandered some more, stuck in a typing animation, flashing gestures at everyone (but thank goodness that was all he flashed). It is definitely the shoes that make the outfit.

i just couldn't leave it like that so i tried to help:

[1:51] Emilee Gackt: Do you speak English Steven?

[1:52] Emilee Gackt: Hello?[1:53] Steven Westminster: hallo emilee, no, my englisch is verry bad...

[1:54] Emilee Gackt: Can you READ English?

[1:54] Steven Westminster: no, sorry

[1:54] Steven Westminster: i speak only german

[1:55] Emilee Gackt: Sie müssen Hosen an setzen. [You need to put on pants]

[1:56] Steven Westminster: wieso ? ich habe doch eine Hose an [Why?]

[1:57] Emilee Gackt: Sie schauen lächerlichen Steven. Leute lachen an Ihnen. [People are laughing at you]

[1:58] Steven Westminster: oh...ok

He wandered off again after my attempt at helping him and showed up a few minutes later with pants and no trench coat. i may have to give up on poor Steven.

Once again Blogger, may you die a thousand deaths for not letting me set my own line spacing.

A new rule:

[2:04] Jacquelin Mazi: continue to remind me before you log out lil gackty one.... when you leave, your last few words to me whether I am here or not should be something like... "Mistress, I will be online again at XXX"

Sometimes it is hard to predict when i will be online next but it is always best not to keep Mistress waiting. Emilee Gackt cringes.

Mistress is a celebrity and was too modest to mention it; this link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bakernik/

...takes you to a collection of SL pics, including this one:

i am of course famous by association. If you do a Google search for 'Gackt' you get this:

There you have it. The goth, vampy, anorexic death angel Gackt. My day has finally come.

Maybe it's done...

... but why do i kind of doubt it?

i didn't mind so much having to rename all of the folders *again* but i felt like i was slashing the Mona Lisa as i was doing it. i put so much brain power into how i had labelled everything and all the names were so neatly grouped and i was so proud.

Turns out i kind of overbrained it. It was simple to me because it was my creation. It wasn't ME who had to memorize that O was for outfits and G was for silks. Mistress was right that it was kind of silly but i still had a softness in my heart for my pretty folder. Part of me died with it.

*sniffs sadly*

So the new folder is hopefully as Mistress likes it. To me is less descriptive but it is Mistress' folder in my inventory and so it must be put just how She likes it, like it or not.