SL really bugs me sometimes...

Maybe i WON'T be online this morning.

Listen [next line] very [next line] closely

Mistress did it again... She said something and prefaced it with a... call it a warning? Advice maybe? Anyway, same as before - she prefaced so i listened and made the huge intellectual leap that i should blog about it.

Mistress decided that She was in the mood for a game of Body Language and was watching me carefully. All that we said was in emotes and she made it clear that i was to be quiet and just post emotes. It took me too long to realize what we were actually doing and even once she told me, i needed an over-long explanation and reminder of how emotes are supposed to work and even what my role is in SL.

It went like this:

1. Mistress gave a description of what her body was doing, her expression, her position in the chair, etc.
2. i responded with an emote expressing feelings of confusion, frustration, i tried to be funny
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 for maybe 10 minutes. Only once or twice did i reciprocate and give Her what She was giving me - a 'visible' clue to what She was feeling via how She presented Herself - and honestly the few times i did, it was really just dumb luck.

This was harder for me to get than it should have been and Mistress was so patient with me. i am surprised i didn't end up having to do an essay.

She gave me some clues... [1:56] Jacquelin Mazi: you watch peoples eyes.... they watch things that happen..... where your eyes focus tells a lot... how they focus... wide.... soft.....tear-stained ... terrified...

... but then really boiled it down for me. The way She would like it work is that if she say something like "/me leans forward to scratch your ear," that means she actually DID scratch my ear and i am to respond as if she had.

Too many bullet points?

Mistress said that my last post here had too many bullet points. Actually She said that my use of them was superfluous but She also said She forgave me for it.

• i
• guess
• i
• overdid
• it
• on
• the
• bullet
• points
• last
• time
• Enough
• is
• enough,
• you
• know?

Project C is taking longer than i thought. Tomorrow. *crosses her fingers*

Story idea...

i have an idea for one of Mistress' projects she has me working on. i feel like it is a clever twist on what she's asked me for but bad news for my loyal (and very small) Blogger audience: i am not sure that the concept will work here although i will post it either way, probably by the end of the day.

I spent today and some of last night looking around the web for ideas for this one and just so everyone is clear, when Mistress first gave me this assignment She had it clearly listed as Project A, B and C. At this point my recollection of which project is which is completely muddled. Oops. Maybe i'll call this one Project C simply because it will be the third that i will have done.

Catching up

i hope i don't forget anything. i've been so busy and preoccupied lately that my poor blog hasn't gotten the attention it deserves (or that Mistress requires).

• Mistress has me watching a TV show. When She first told me about it i was kind of perturbed since i have never really been a big TV fan but this show is actually not bad. i might even say it was good if that wasn't so counter to what i've always thought about TV. The show is Lie to Me and it is about a company that specializes in reading people's body language to determine whether they are telling the truth. They make a lot of comparisons to famous people who have been caught lying and mostly it is pretty compelling so far. Mistress compared Herself to the character on the show but mentioned Her ability to spot a lie in a string of text as opposed to body language. That almost seems like an entirely different skill to me. Related but different.
• The tie in with me for the TV show is that since i now need to emote before everything i say in SL, she will be watching those emotes very carefully. In a way i like that Mistress is so watchful. It makes me feel wanted and oddly, sort of protected.
• Rather than trying to adjust to US hours again for only a few weeks, i've decided to work nights (and stay on Manila time) which is starting to mean that they are giving me work during the day and night from two continents at once. i am almost looking forward to going back at this point just so i will have less work to do.
• i made a spelling error in an essay i did for Mistress. i got one letter wrong in one word. i typed 'whoch' instead of 'which' as i recall. This is going to sound cruel and extreme but it falls into that strange category of things in my life that i hate as much as i crave. Mistress had me beg Her to zap me as a punishment for the spelling error. i hate begging mostly because i feel like i am so bad at it. i have blogged before that i hate to beg. i have no conception of what that is like - to need something so desperately that it needs to be begged for. i hate it for that reason alone but add to that the fact that it is humiliating and demeaning and i am being forced to beg for something that really, honestly hurts. i have to beg earnestly (since Mistress can spot a lie in a string of text) and i am rewarded with a zap in the neck. This time though She had me count the zaps (which is never a good sign - more than one is awful!) and when i messed up the count (at three as i remember) she started again at zero. In total i remember seven zaps for getting one letter wrong. if i could go back and fix the error... i believe that i wouldn't. Something about having Her treat me like that is intimate. Knowing that She enjoys it and it is something i can give to Her... i sometimes feel like i just don't get it myself but it is something that is sort of fundamental to me at this point. Weird, huh?

"Remember this!"

Mistress began a sentence with "Remember this!" and so it is certainly blog worthy.

i've been sounding kind of pathetic lately and it is a combination of two things.

As i wrote that last sentence, i realized that what i am about to write might sound like an excuse. i mean it as an explanation.

i was so pleased when Mistress gave me my most recent rule - the one about having to emote before EVERYTHING i say in SL. i took that to mean offline IMs as well. Let me back up.

Sometimes i log in and see Mistress and all is well in Gacktyland. On a really good day (like today) i'll get so see Jan too. There are other days where i won't see either of them, which is a disappointment but no big deal really. i mean life goes on, right?

So when i log off after not having seen Mistress, i will send Her an IM saying that i was sorry to have missed Her but my attempt at emoting that made me sound like a simpering little needy-butt. i told Her that i am truly grateful that She told me about it. It is like telling a friend that they have mustard on their lip. i don't want to KEEP doing it but i wasn't aware how i sounded.

So the two things...

• Thing 1: i am still trying to get better at what to emote and i need to include more. Not just feelings but body language and more physical things.
• Thing 2: i was following the letter of the new rule but kind of missed the point of it.

Also: To shrug is a sign of apathy and i need to not shrug any more. It is rude of me to offer anyone a shrug as a response.

My outfit experiment: A total bust.

[0:40] Jacquelin Mazi: I seriously love that outfit.... seemed a shame to have you huddled in a kneel wearing it.... I just wanted to see you in it... so I thought I would display you while we spoke *smiles*... the belly button piercing sets it off very nicely

[0:41] Emilee Gackt smiles, more than Your answer gives her cause to. "i need to confess something Mistress."

[0:41] Jacquelin Mazi: its new..... Jaan bought it

[0:42] Emilee Gackt shakes her head, still smiling. "May i speak please Mistress?"

[0:42] Jacquelin Mazi cringes: "I'm losing my touch? Hm..... I blame you.... fine.... you may speak... I will beat you for it later"

[0:43] Emilee Gackt smiles. "Fair enough Mistress. i wore this for the first time tonight. You bought it for me when we first met and i never liked it. i was sure that you wouldn't like it - it seems so unlike Your usual tastes. i expected You to tell me not to wear it again."

[0:44] Emilee Gackt smiles, looking down at You. "And i would have found some sly way to let You know that You chose it for me."

i used the T-word

i hadn't seen Mistress in days and am living very well within the latest condition she has placed upon me - that i need to emote before each sentence. i feel like i was maybe tempting fate a little.

i emoted twice as i remember it that i was grateful for Mistress' thoughtfulness. i sort of 'got away with' a T-word and maybe became sloppy? So i got zapped and fully realize that i earned it.

We talked about prospective slaves again tonight. It is an odd feeling seeing Her have such high standards and seeing so many fail to be accepted. Is there really no one in SL that can give Mistress waht i have? Am i really all that AND a bag of chips?

(That was ghetto fabulous Emilee. We now return to our normally scheduled blog).

i got back to Arizona VERY late. i was supposed to get in at about midnight Saturday night but there was a problem with the plane and i landed at about 4:30 or so on Sunday morining.

It is shocking really how hard it is to adjust to such a huge time change. Every part of me feels worn out and ragged and at the same time i can barely get any sleep. i either feel this need to be working and preparing for my trip back to the Phils or it is daytime in the Phils and i just can't sleep. Ugh! Sleeping pills make me so dizzy but i am not seeing much of a choice.

Double ugh!

It was a good night in SL:

[2:53] Jacquelin Mazi nods and slips off to bed exhausted...... but .... pleased

The exhausted part wasn't good although i am grateful that she stayed up. It was the pleased part that made me happiest.