The more I think about it the more I realize about it. I've been so self-centered in how I've been thinking. A big commitment that I made and this means so much to me. It's just now occurring to me that Mistress has feelings too. She always seems so cold and I think it's because she's done so much and she is so matter-of-fact about things sometimes that I feel that way. But she's still a person and I am flattered and honored and touched that she'd pick me to weld a collar on to.
I've never felt more sure that I'd have no regrets about something; this Mistress is different from the others I've known. Vastly different. I have regrets about a few things with her so far, but not about being permanently collared. That is just entirely thrilling.
I was going to end this post with that last paragraph and I realized that if I leave that 'I have a few regrets' comment as it is, I will only be given an essay to clarify it so i might as well clear it up now.
I regret not having been entirely honest with Mistress from the start. Everyone has secrets and I had mine, but mine were potentially hurtful. I am grateful that she showed me that and even more grateful that she kept me in spite of that. I regret that I ever brought up the problem of needing to go the bathroom while I am online; it's something that I should have been more discreet about and not forced as an issue and I feel ashamed that (now that I've given it some thought) I mentioned it with less than pure motives. I was trying to wheedle her into taking more control over me and I was out of place.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
I'm not sure I'll ever figure her out
Sometimes she can be so tender with me, sometimes she treats me like a child and sometimes she is just harsh.
She made me dance and I was awful and helped me and I thought I wasn't too bad, kind of all of a sudden. I still hated it though and I'm not sure why.
She treated me like an animal tonight and made me beg to have her collar welded on - permanently. And I did - earnestly.
I'm so sleepy...
She made me dance and I was awful and helped me and I thought I wasn't too bad, kind of all of a sudden. I still hated it though and I'm not sure why.
She treated me like an animal tonight and made me beg to have her collar welded on - permanently. And I did - earnestly.
I'm so sleepy...
I could see her doing this...
I didn't get a chance to login last night as has somewhat become a pattern with me. I have family in town and if I needed to I could probably come up with other excuses, but not only did I not login, I didn't email Mistress to tell her that I wouldn't be able to be in SL that night.
I'm picturing her waiting for me to login last night, not mad really but more calculating what my punishment would be. And today I am picturing her intentionally avoiding SL to deprive me of time with her.
Probably I'm thinking too much and probably I've created a precedent with this post but it did occur to me. It would have been polite for me to have at least sent an email.
I'm picturing her waiting for me to login last night, not mad really but more calculating what my punishment would be. And today I am picturing her intentionally avoiding SL to deprive me of time with her.
Probably I'm thinking too much and probably I've created a precedent with this post but it did occur to me. It would have been polite for me to have at least sent an email.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Dancing, silks, Gor, diapers
Mistress asked me to dance for her today; I went and bought a few dances and some silks to go along with the dances.
I had to ask her for my own money back to buy the dances. How odd that felt; almost childish.
She asked to see some of the silks and I tried on the first set, the red ones. After I put them on (or was it before?) I reminded Mistress that I needed to use the restroom (I had told her once prior to that). She declined to let me go, saying ‘We’re doing something.”
She then asked to see me dance and I start one of the animations that I bought. Zapped. I finally figured out that I needed to have been emoting, so I emoted. Zapped. I made the emotes more intimate (not sexually intimate – just more persona – more like I was picturing myself in front of her). No zaps, but just barely. All that time and typing and thought and emotion and she said I danced like a bloated yak. I suppose that in a way I was a bit bloated; at this point I had still not used the bathroom. When I originally asked her to go, I had waited until I needed to go rather badly. This was based on a prior conversation we had on the subject.
The fact that I even asked at all was based on a rule that a Master in Gor had. We always had to ask before going AFK; he’d always say yes, but we always had to ask. I suppose it is also due to not wanting to be in the bathroom when Mistress might be awaiting an answer to a question.
My assignment isn’t an essay at least but my vision of the future just got a little grim; I hated dancing in Gor and luckily only had to do it twice. Now that she has read this I’ll no doubt be dancing and emoting until my fingers are cramped. I need to have it be more personal, more intimate and have it not take 6 minutes to type 4 lines of text.
Mistress finally allowed me to use the bathroom; she gave me 2 minutes and by this time it was quite painful. When I got back she asked to see the rest of the silks I had bought. I couldn’t take off the ones I was already wearing because Mistress had used a script to prevent me from removing my clothes. I told that I was still blocked from undressing and she replied that I was trying hard enough.
I tried again (how much effort can be put into a mouse click?) and when I still couldn’t do it, I was shocked to find myself crying. This was the third time I had cried about something she had me do but this one was just silly.
Just prior to getting so emotional I had asked Mistress how I should deal with having to go to the bathroom while I am online with her. She knew that a previous SL Mistress introduced me to wearing diapers and she knew that I had tried one on. Not on my avatar. Me, in the real world and as an adult. So there was the solution. I’m to be diapered when I login and when I login, I am to always use the RR Viewer unless approved by Mistress.
It’s surprising to me how indulgent I’ve become lately; how much SL I’ll let creep into my real world. For the first time since Gor (over a year I suppose), it occurred to me that I should think about some boundaries. Then it occurred to me that even if I set some lines that shouldn’t to be crossed, would my recent permissive mood keep on the right side of them?
I had to ask her for my own money back to buy the dances. How odd that felt; almost childish.
She asked to see some of the silks and I tried on the first set, the red ones. After I put them on (or was it before?) I reminded Mistress that I needed to use the restroom (I had told her once prior to that). She declined to let me go, saying ‘We’re doing something.”
She then asked to see me dance and I start one of the animations that I bought. Zapped. I finally figured out that I needed to have been emoting, so I emoted. Zapped. I made the emotes more intimate (not sexually intimate – just more persona – more like I was picturing myself in front of her). No zaps, but just barely. All that time and typing and thought and emotion and she said I danced like a bloated yak. I suppose that in a way I was a bit bloated; at this point I had still not used the bathroom. When I originally asked her to go, I had waited until I needed to go rather badly. This was based on a prior conversation we had on the subject.
The fact that I even asked at all was based on a rule that a Master in Gor had. We always had to ask before going AFK; he’d always say yes, but we always had to ask. I suppose it is also due to not wanting to be in the bathroom when Mistress might be awaiting an answer to a question.
My assignment isn’t an essay at least but my vision of the future just got a little grim; I hated dancing in Gor and luckily only had to do it twice. Now that she has read this I’ll no doubt be dancing and emoting until my fingers are cramped. I need to have it be more personal, more intimate and have it not take 6 minutes to type 4 lines of text.
Mistress finally allowed me to use the bathroom; she gave me 2 minutes and by this time it was quite painful. When I got back she asked to see the rest of the silks I had bought. I couldn’t take off the ones I was already wearing because Mistress had used a script to prevent me from removing my clothes. I told that I was still blocked from undressing and she replied that I was trying hard enough.
I tried again (how much effort can be put into a mouse click?) and when I still couldn’t do it, I was shocked to find myself crying. This was the third time I had cried about something she had me do but this one was just silly.
Just prior to getting so emotional I had asked Mistress how I should deal with having to go to the bathroom while I am online with her. She knew that a previous SL Mistress introduced me to wearing diapers and she knew that I had tried one on. Not on my avatar. Me, in the real world and as an adult. So there was the solution. I’m to be diapered when I login and when I login, I am to always use the RR Viewer unless approved by Mistress.
It’s surprising to me how indulgent I’ve become lately; how much SL I’ll let creep into my real world. For the first time since Gor (over a year I suppose), it occurred to me that I should think about some boundaries. Then it occurred to me that even if I set some lines that shouldn’t to be crossed, would my recent permissive mood keep on the right side of them?
Emilee the Parrot
I like to emote when I speak with people in SL. It's not a role play thing; to me it makes what people experience in SL a bit richer and moves things a few strides beyond the commonplace 'LOL' and 'How R U?' approach that so many people take. I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with 'LOL' per se; it's just that there are deeper, more emotive way to express yourself. Anyway...
When I am in a conversation with Mistress it seems like I start every sentence with
'/me nods' or '/me smiles.' I feel so illiterate typing '/me nods. "Yes Mistress." so many times in the same conversation; the same true for '/me smiles.'
The synonyms for nod just won't work either:
- acceptance
- acknowledge - this one is a maybe but isn't very conversational
- agree - this one has potential
- approve - Mistress would skin me if I gave my approval!
- acquiesce - see note on assent
- assent - same as approve
- beckon
- bend (bend?)
- bow
- consent
- curtsy (Good but might be a bit cumbersome *rolls her eyes*)
- drift - another cause for a skinning
- drowse - ditto above
- genuflect - Ahah! Problem solved
- gesture - too vague
- motion
- salute
- signal
- sleep - skinned
I think for now I might just have to keep nodding; the synonyms for smile aren't much better:
- beam
- expression
- grin
- laugh
- rictus
- simper
- smirk
- sneer
Not much luck there either.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Caught another break
Hee! No essays tonight!!!
Of course by mentioning it here, there is no doubt that it will be used against me in a court of Mazi.
I'm taking advantage of your crash/computer problems to get almost caught up with my assignments. My inventory is nearly done and my chastity belt project is as done as I can make it while I hang out here, waiting. That only leaves the adjustiments I need to make to my appearance and the inventory photos but again... kinda hard to do at the moment.
I hope you get everything squared away with your computer. I can tell you use the heck out ot it.
Of course by mentioning it here, there is no doubt that it will be used against me in a court of Mazi.
I'm taking advantage of your crash/computer problems to get almost caught up with my assignments. My inventory is nearly done and my chastity belt project is as done as I can make it while I hang out here, waiting. That only leaves the adjustiments I need to make to my appearance and the inventory photos but again... kinda hard to do at the moment.
I hope you get everything squared away with your computer. I can tell you use the heck out ot it.
I think (oops) I get it
You've been telling me from the start not to think. How is it possible not to think? It’s like in Ghostbusters when the giant marshmallow man attacked New York - a person can't NOT think. It's just impossible.
I’ve been realizing the difference between thinking and responding instinctually. If you ask an awkward question and I stop and think about it, the answer will be quite different than if I give an immediate, gut response. It’s an ancient test-taking strategy to go with your first answer on a tough question because it will usually be correct; over thinking a question will lead to an unnecessarily complex (and probably wrong) answer. It’s like that with you.
If I just answer without thinking, you’ll get the raw, unadulterated me. If I think about the answer, you still get me but quite a different flavor of me. You get the calculating, reasoned, posturing me and not the naked, exposed me.
I realized this not all at once; it was sort of a process and after all the thought I’ve given it, I will be more than a little frustrated with myself if I’ve gotten it wrong.
I’ve been realizing the difference between thinking and responding instinctually. If you ask an awkward question and I stop and think about it, the answer will be quite different than if I give an immediate, gut response. It’s an ancient test-taking strategy to go with your first answer on a tough question because it will usually be correct; over thinking a question will lead to an unnecessarily complex (and probably wrong) answer. It’s like that with you.
If I just answer without thinking, you’ll get the raw, unadulterated me. If I think about the answer, you still get me but quite a different flavor of me. You get the calculating, reasoned, posturing me and not the naked, exposed me.
I realized this not all at once; it was sort of a process and after all the thought I’ve given it, I will be more than a little frustrated with myself if I’ve gotten it wrong.
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