When i logged in i felt the same nervousness, fear, excitement and anticipation that i always do. Being with someone who always has such high expectations and low tolerance for mistakes is always a challenge. Still, i was glad to see her – as always – and kissed her in the symbolic and sincere way that i always do. The fact that She let me was a glad thing for me.
[8:07] RR Ballgag 1.13.1 whispers: Emilee Gackt's RR Ballgag 1.13.1 has been locked by Jacquelin Mazi (Type Tight).
[8:07] RR Ballgag 1.13.1: You've been gagged... You are authorized to speak on channel /1 only
When She gagged and blinded me i felt like i had gone too long without doing anything for Her, that i had let RL take too much time from her and that She was understandably upset. Even if She was un-understandably upset, She can be and do as she pleases. That’s why She’s the Mistress.
Here is a list of what Mistress decided for me this morning:
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to rez from inventory
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to LM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP using Map
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to TP to Friends
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may TP to Friends for only Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to receive IM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may receive IM's from Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to send IM's
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may send IM's to Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see chat
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee may see chat from Jacquelin Mazi
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to type in chat
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to set environment
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to fly
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see names
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see location
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to touch far objects
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see worldmap
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to see minimap
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to use Inventory
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to read notecards
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to stand once seated
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to wear more clothes
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to remove clothes
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to sit >1.5m
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to edit/build
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to shout
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to talk normally
[8:14] Emilee's Ring: Emilee is not permitted to whisper
There are two ways to look at that list. You could say that i have a lot of freedoms since it is such a long list, or You could say how terrible it is to have all that taken away. i have to confess that i am usually somewhere in the middle, depending on how close… how dependant upon Mistress i am feeling. It seems like that should be a constant.
I hate being blinded. It is too limiting and restricting to be ‘fun’ or a challenge. Being gagged is a challenge and so i can approach that state of being with some enthusiasm as i would any challenge but being blinded is just awful.
[8:11] Jacquelin Mazi: animals cant nod.. they cant grasp simple gestures... all they can do is make noise
[8:12] Emilee Gackt whimpers slightly, sighs and then grunts shamefully.
This is what i am to Her? After all this time? This is both degrading and somehow a thrill to me. Doesn’t She feel ANYTHING for me? The fact that She has kept me for nearly a year and a half must mean that She does and so to hear Her talk like this… very confusing and it makes me reach for Her through the distance She has created.
This was the hardest part:
[8:17] Jacquelin Mazi puts up a for sale sign near you and waits
Being blind, i could only guess that She really had put up a sign. I had no reason to feel that She hadn’t but what about the 18 months? The time She had invested in me. Was this a test? A trick?
To clarify what follows, when Mistress gags and blinds me, SL can make it ‘real’ by hiding names and keeping me from talking. All i see on the screen is black and sometimes a faint glimmer or sparkle. All through this experience, i was totally blind.
[8:55] This person: You're selling that? (This was someone talking to Mistress)
[8:55] An agent: Yes.. one moment please (This was Mistress)
[8:55] This person: np
[8:56] An agent: Sorry... back now.. yes, its for sale... I've had it over a year.. it doesn't cheat and will not vanish
She really was serious. Really for real. I was shocked. All the emotion and time and energy and everything else was now a matter of a few Lindens.
[8:57] This person: How much? (the prospective buyer)
[8:57] An agent: Name your price. Its negotiable. (Mistress)
[8:57] This person: 10L LOL!
[8:57] An agent: hm.. very high for a useless thing like this... *smiles*
[8:58] This person: Seriously? Then 5L?
[8:58] An agent: No, I couldn't let it go for that little. Sorry... realistically, what is a slave like that worth to you here?
Am i just a thing to Her, just to be sold like that? She has been saying that since we met but this is different. This was words put to action.
[8:59] This person: Realistically? 10,000L considering how rare a slave that stays over a year is.
[8:59] An agent nods
[9:00] An agent: but you don't plan to pay that do you ? *smiles*
[9:00] This person: No, sorry. Realistically, 1,000L
[9:00] An agent: 3,500L
This was Mistress’ counter offer. 3,500L is worth a little less than $14 dollars. Now the confusion begins, the not understanding myself, the fear, excitement…
All the emotion, everything i mentioned before, She was willing to take $14 for all that? How shocking and how sad and how strange that of all the things i felt, what i felt most was a deeply grave thrill. Like i was facing death and not blinking. That makes me sound heroic somehow and i was far from that but i felt helpless and powerless and because of that, i felt like i had no choice in it. Since it was inevitable, i felt somehow excited.
I never begged Mistress to keep me. It never occurred to me even ask. What was clear was that She was done with me and i was about to belong to ‘This person,’ whoever that might be. How could i possibly feel such a thrill at this? How dare i feel excitement, even the scary kind?
I was finally about to become what Mistress had been saying i would become for so long. I was about to be sold for real money and become someone else’s slave in as real a sense as SL allows.
I’m ashamed that i felt anything but loss. I felt what i felt though and Mistress would be most unhappy to have me hide that, even then. Especially then.
‘This person’ turned out to be a mutual friend of Mistress and i. i was never for sale although this is the type of experience that will keep me guessing about the next time this sort of thing happens. She said She didn’t have in mind to do this when She logged in and called it a ‘dinner theater.’
i’m not sure there is anyone i know who wouldn’t have been mad or hurt by all this. Leave it to a gackt to feel:
• Relieved
• Happy
• Astonished
• Sad, that i had disappointed Mistress. This was the second time in a few weeks that Mistress has brought tears to my eyes. The last time it was because She said i was invaluable to Her. This time it was because i was only worth $14 to Her.
When She makes me cry – i say that like it is a regular thing but really it has happened twice – i feel tied to Her so much more closely. Crying is such a release for me, especially since it is so rare in my world. Being brought so low and filled with emotion until i just burst is invigorating. That Mistress has this power over me is dreadful to me and euphoric. It makes me permanently Hers even though She showed me today that i am Hers only for as long as She chooses to have me.
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