I spent an hour or two with Jan tonight. She always tells me how fun I am, how great she feels when we're together. It's nice. I feel kind of proud after she logs off. Tonight she said she was going to hypnotize me and never snap her fingers:

[22:00] Jaan Dubrovna: "I had a wonderful time with Jan. I must do this at the earliest opportunity"

Doesn't sound all that bad really.

So my plan right now is to take a nap and get up in a bit to see if Mistress is online. One night last week I slept right through my alarm so my plan sometimes differs from my execution.

My goodness things are difficult for me sometimes. I finally got SL working again (yes, again) and I had this feeling of superior euphoria that I could beat the machines at least once. Mistress gave me a few suggestions so I suppose it's a bit misplaced that I felt that success. Either way, I was just happy to have it working again and so I went to blog about my success (Mistress' success).

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Great. But at least blogger was going to walk me through it, right?

Not only were the pictures that blogger provided completely different than what was on my computer screen, but the instructions were useless since once I got in to Tools > Internet Options > etc., the settings were just where they needed to be. I finally just gave up and tried to login to blogger again. When I did, I found the 'Sign In' link had been replaced with a 'Sign Out' link, which meant that I had been signed in the whole time.

The most bothersome thing (well, one of the most bothersome anyway) is that I haven't made any changes at all to my computer, the programs or anything. I haven't added anything or deleted anything. My computer and the way I use it have been utterly unchanged since before all these latest problems started popping up and yet, all these problems keep popping up.

Not only are the machines winning, they are mocking me. I am wary of a robot conspiracy. They must want the silver in my fillings.

I logged in tonight to see Mistress and I had a few assignments due to her. One of them contained the T word so I got a shock even without Mistres's help. Oy.

She is probably more tired than I am and I am anxious to:

• see her
• talk to her
• be with her again
• use plenty of bullet points

Sometimes when I login, Mistress greets with this or something like it:

[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: shhhhhhh
[23:10] Jacquelin Mazi: not a word

I'm not sure why or what it is about that greeting that is so compelling to me. From her, I much prefer that to anything else.

Tonight it was all Mistress, all night. No punishments (well maybe one small one but only because she was in a good mood), no assignments, nothing but a few hours spent hanging out, which is a decidedly un-Mistresslike thing to do. A Mistress doesn't 'hang out.' A Mistress keenly observes her surroundings.

We went to the Ranch and I was given a lovely compliment but really it was for Mistress:

[23:59] Kian Hancroft: Your pet is the most impressive put together avatar in here [imho] I thought to pass the complimental thought on . . .
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi smiles
[23:59] Jacquelin Mazi: thank you Kian.... I have worked very hard on her to make her one of the best hopefully

We had a very happy night tonight and I am glad to have seen her. Tomorrow will be a looooong day though. I am only going to get a few hours sleep but it is worth it.

I seem to have fixed SL. It was my fault of course; I was pasting a file into the wrong place.

Mistress had another girl she was considering as a slave. She was from Denmark (or somewhere near there - Argentina perhaps? Maybe it was Malaysia?) and her English was good but when she would become emotional (which was often), her English would get sloppy and she was quite difficult to understand. Add to that the fact that her hours online were very minimal and nearly the opposite of when Mistress is online and it just seemed like she was completely destined NOT to be Mistress' slave.

I spent some time with her (Dina was her name), helping her with expectations and such and when she 'disappeared' I really sort wrote her off. Mistress sent me a note of a conversation they had very recently. I have never been more deeply moved by Mistress than I was when I read how she handled this poor girl. Mistress was patient and loyal to this girl and when it became clear that there was no hope of a future together, Mistress was as kind and tender as I have ever seen anyone be.

I was with Jan tonight and I had to look to see who I was talking to. Jan has been super supportive about me becoming a dancer and we were talking about it tonight...

[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sweetie, you really will be fine. Trust me.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Really
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: And it is so not how I want to spend the little time I have left at the end of the day in SL.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt smiles.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Thank you Jan
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Oh, I know.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: You're right of course.
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: How does the phrase go?
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna: Sometimes it sucks.......
[22:54] Jaan Dubrovna laughs
[22:54] Emilee Gackt laughs.
[22:54] Emilee Gackt: Oh my goodness Jan.
[22:55] Emilee Gackt: Mistress would be so proud.

A typical day for me:

• Up at about 6:15 to get ready for work.
• Stop at Starbucks at about 7:10 or 7:15. It's almost time to switch from iced to hot drinks.
• At work from 7:30 - 7:45 until about 6:00.
• Stop at Safeway for something to cook for dinner.
• Home and back out with Lucy for a walk.
• Cooking until 6:45 or so, depending on what the meal is.
• Eat, relax a bit, maybe watch a video or a Suns game.
• In bed at 9:30.
• Up at 12:30 to either fight with SL and try to keep it from crashing or login and see Mistress and Jan.
• Bed at 2 or 3, depending on whether Mistress logged in.

It's not so much her perception as it is my performance. She has an expectation of me that I have only partially lived up to. To say that it is her perception is the problem is wrong. She perceives what I give her. It is what I do that creates her perceptions. If I gave her what she expected of me, her perception would be more positive.

I tried and tried and TRIED to login tonight but my computer and SL refuse to get along. Honestly I feel like a forced break - no matter how small - might be a good thing, given how Mistress has been perceiving my efforts lately.

I am not going to blame it on switching jobs and being busy. Mistress has a set of expectations for me and lately I haven't been measuring up and I am not sure why. When we were together last and she was telling me the ways I might improve my mind was numb and all I could focus on was that I love her. She has been so influential and given me such peace and all I want is to curl up in that.