Stupid SL

Geez SL ticks me off sometimes. It is more regular for it NOT to work than to work!

It's not my head anymore

I had this idea that it'd be fun to go to ETD and see whatthey've got that's new and see how my faves from there look on the face that Mistress created for me.

I bought a few demos and when I found a few that I liked I felt oddly odd about just plunking down some Lindens like I've been doing for so long. It's not my head anymore is it? It belongs to Mistress.

I don't know what to title this. Do I have to think of EVERTHING around here?

Mistress was in mid-interrogation when I logged in. Some little waif of a thing landed on the porch looking for a home. She had an utterly odd concoction of a story about some imaginary friend and a housing agreement. Mistress Has this ‘way’ about her that is uncannily magnetic to me.

As this girl came unraveled I just watched Mistress and (this sounds so corny) bubbled with pride. This smart, well-spoken, direct, determined Mistress peeled away layer after layer of this creature and the girl was just oblivious. It was a joy to watch Mistress predict and decipher this girl’s (that sounded so Gorean – not ME – I mean this girl who appeared on the porch) story and I was nearly giddy that even though Mistress has seen my worst, she kept me.

I felt that so strongly all night. Giddy happiness. It is as if I finally found what SL had for me.

I got my dog collar today. It is the kind you use to shock a dog for bad behavior. Mistress used it on me. A few times because I was stupid and few times because she loves me. It hurt bitterly. ‘I think.’ Zap. Blinding pain and tiny, reflexive breaths. ‘I think.’ Zap. The same. ‘I think.’ Zap. The same, this time with tears. How odd that I knew hiw it would hurt and with each jolt I felt her care and love and help. She was so tender.

Gor is so far away and so long ago. Mistress asked me to serve her a drink and it was as if I never got any Gor training at all. All the emoting Rachelle did for me just vanished and I did this lame, newbie serve. I am not to think and I keep thinking that if I were allowed to think I’d think of the things I’ve been taught, which is not to think.

Mistress is a patient, patient woman and I am a lucky, lucky one.

Added a pick

I had an odd idea about unicorns...

Kind of a long day in SL today

I had a marathon session in SL today. I had nothing on my schedule so I logged in and just took calls and worked and kept half an eye on SL for most of the day.

My goodness I drank a lot of water today! There isn't really a very comfortable period when I am in SL with this rule. Actually the first hour or so isn't too bad. After that I am constantly uncomfortable and I have myself to blame or thank.

What a place SL is. The people you meet and the world they create there for themselves is just astounding to me. In SL people can be whatever they want; the anonymity should make it easy to overcome whatever insecurities you have in RL and yet there are people who are nearly crippled by shyness and paranoia and who knows what else? Kind of sad really. Oh well...

I heard from a an old friend today. Actually a Mistress I had served. She told me about a hypnosis website and was convinced that it works. I immediately thought that it might be helpful to me but then wondered how Mistress would feel. Would she see it as a tool or as sort of an impostor?

Not much else happened today even though I spent so much time online.

Not a bad day overall

I'm not sure I'll ever learn not to think. The new thing is to use common sense; I thought I was among the most sensible in SL. I am grateful to Mistress for pointing it out that I am not. These late nights are so... late. And I have to write the blog entry for that day AFTER I log out from SL. I joined a few groups (2 actually as I remember) devoted to helping new people in SL. I got an anonymous IM from someone in one of the groups (no idea which one) just asking if she could join me. How sad I felt for her. She said that up until then nearly everything she had done in SL had been by herself. I had loads of advice for her and it was hard for me to take that I might have been a bit forceful with it. It's hard because it's how I've been doing things for so long in SL. Anyway, as I remember it, I added three people to my friends list today. It's starting to be like it used to be again, or at least as much as it can be. I have missed being so helpful and appreciated and liked.

I posted this last night and in true flaky gackty form, I forgot something rather important. Mistress asked me what my aching desire is. I never know if that's a loaded question or if it is simply a face-value question. Is she going fishing or just wanting to reward the gackty one?

So she asked and I answered that I was frustrated over something and given time to sleep on it, that has become just a 'sucks to be a slave' type of problem. What I really longed for was just some time being cared for and loved, softly and tenderly for just a few minutes.

Now that I've slept on THAT, it seems to me that I've been terribly spoiled up until now. In the 18 months or so that I've been in SL I've always gotten what I wanted; I either went and got it or it was just given to me. So... now there's a quandary I'm in. I don't want to be known as a spoiled slave and don't want to think of myself that way and I still want what I want. Is it slave-like to be strong and live without? Or should I keep longing and hoping for the things I want? Now that I've typed all that it seems that doing both is also an option.

Coulda been embarassing

I logged on and sent an IM to Mistress as instructed, telling her that I'd just had my water. When I sent it I got that reply that my IM had been blocked, which was odd because I am supposed to be able to IM her. I looked at the name and I had accidentally IM'd the person on my Friends List just above Mistress' name.

It would have been an embarassing conversation to have to explain why I had just informed Mistress that I've just had my water. I'm glad of two things:
1. That my IMs were blocked.
2. That to my knowledge, only Mistress and one other person ever reads this blog.

I'm sitting here at the Ranch reading profiles. I've approached 3 or 4 (maybe it's not even that many) people in main chat and tried to have a conversation. Talking in chat is so stifling for me and apparently for others too. I'm beginning to feel lonely for the first time.

I had a nice conversation with a new person earlier tonight. He seemed to be either shy or vanilla or perhaps just lying (his born-on date was 12/07 but he said that he had just figured out SL). If he really was new that might be why he wasn't put off by speaking in chat - he just didn't know better. I can't remember ever paying attention to the chat box when I was in a place like the Ranch and now it is all I look at.

This is frustrating. I feel lonely and want to do something about it but I don't want to look like an idiot in chat. Am I being too prideful for a slave? The only other conversation I had was with someone who was in Port Kar; our chat was terse at best.

I'm sleepy.