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Is this how we do it now?

i did something to get a zap tonight. i don't remember exactly what, but after the zap Mistress waited quite patiently and zapped me again. Then we repeated the whole thing again when it donned on me what She was waiting for. Last time i was with Her (or was it the time before?) she zapped me and had me do that 'Thank you may i have another' thing. It sounds like a cliche thing to have to do but it really is a strange feeling having to ask to be caused so much pain.

i finally got my group officially started. It is called Fetish Emergency and will be just like Fashion Emergency but for people in the D/s community. i did a search for it and it didn't show up so i apparently need to grease some Linden's palm before anyone sees my group.

Here's some irony:
The group is to help people find places that sell what they are looking for but i will probably be one of the worst resources in the group.

Mistress had approved of a banner i made for it and after i gave the whole thing some pondering, i decided to change the name of the group and so i had to change the banner as well. The big mistake: i didn't ask Her if She approved of the new one. Oops.

Tonight was one of those rare occasions where Mistress displayed Her affection to me. i have to confess that if i would be more giving with mine, i might get more in return. There's some more irony for you.

Life with my new diet, so far

Lotofquestions (which is short for Izo) left an compelling comment about the last post. she said that there is this interesting counterbalance between believing that You can do something (like jogging for 20 minutes) and being curious about the consequences of failing.

i hope that is an accurate paraphrase. What she said is remarkably true of me and how i was leading up to my new enforced diet.

i have this feeling that i dodged a bullet on this one. This is a punishment and kind of a harsh one but i am finding myself viewing Mistress as a personal trainer of sorts and it is a very unique circumstance for me. Any other trainer i might hire would absolutely lack Mistress' ability to provide me the motivation that She does with such natural ease. She says stop eating junk and so i have stopped.

So far it has been easy but so far it has only been a day or two. It will be interesting to see how this progresses once i get home (which by the way is in less than two weeks!).

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Finally back online

Every now and then something happens that reminds me that i am in a third world country. This isn't one of those times but that seemed like a dramatic enough intro to add some spark to what really happened. Internet at the hotel has been out all day and was just recently restored. i'm not sure what the problem was (getting a straight answer from people here is nearly impossible) but it is better now.

A mystery solved:

[2009/06/06 5:56] Izo Pakula: (Saved Sat Jun 06 04:43:30 2009) Hello! Aawww I'm sorry, but I thought you knew "Lotofquestions" was me, since I had left already one comment. Your blog requires a Gmail address for comments, I had to create one and suffered a lack of inspiration... Sorry for the confusion

Mistress' original hunch about the secret identity was right. She has a mental superpower about things like that. If the US government wanted to end the war in Afghanistan, they would contact Her to find out where bin Laden is hiding.

By the way, i really am late blogging about this so please accept my apologies.

Emotions i am allowed:

[9:44] Jacquelin Mazi: You can be worried, show fear, love, compassion, gratitude, affection, and possibly a few other positive emotions and I won't say a thing. Oh 'fear' a positive emotion? Yes... for you towards me, it is.
[9:45] Jacquelin Mazi: But... I will NOT have you depressed, OR angry! I might even allow frustration! but thats it!

Here it is again in bullet points, more for my benefit than anyone else:

• Fear
• Love
• Compassion
• Gratitude
• Affection
• Limited other positive emotions
• No being depressed or angry

The really big news is finally in and although it isn't good, it certainly could have been much worse. The day or so that i spent waiting for my punishment for not being able to jog for 20 minutes was totally nerve-wracking. i was imagining something really harsh like typing 90,000 lines or being boxed up in SL again. In a way i feel like i got off easy but i say that with caution and respect for what Mistress decided to do.

My punishment for falling short of my jogging goal is a slightly severe restriction on snacking. Mistress gave me the details but basically it is about moderation stepped up a notch or two. i can have two Twizzlers a day or a small bowl of popcorn, chips, etc. The really painful part is that i am banished from Starbucks at least until i can jog for 30 minutes straight (which right now honestly feels like it might as well be a perma-ban).

This might sound like a horrid punishment but now that i've had a day to ponder it, i have decided that not only could it have been much worse, it is really not that bad, especially when i consider that the people i am training never eat snack foods simply because they live in such awful poverty. For me to have to limit what i eat? i can live with that.

i like that this punishment is so practical. Typing out lines is kind of a standard with Mistress but no number of lines will ever get me any closer to a goal. This punishment will be effective as a deterrent, a motivator and as a means to an end.

Not good...

[8:35] Jacquelin Mazi: I have one important question
[8:36] Jacquelin Mazi: Did you accomplish your exercise goals?
[8:36] Emilee Gackt shakes her head slowly, eyes on Yours and replies quietly, "No Mistress."
[8:38] Emilee Gackt's heart begins to race as she waits for Your response.
[8:38] Jacquelin Mazi is Offline

i hated having disappointed Mistress like this. When She logged off like that without a word my mind was swimming:

• 'Maybe She just crashed.' No... She just told me that She was about to log off because of a storm. She left intentionally and She knew what dread and worry would fill my lil gackty mind.
• Don't i have another day to make the goal? It is only Saturday night! Maybe... but up until now i could only get to about 14 minutes of actual continuous jogging. Can i get to 20 minutes in one more day? Possibly but very unlikely. According to the trainer in the gym, i haven't been stretching enough prior to exercising which is why i am sore all over. My guess was that it was too many trips to Starbucks and using the elevator instead of stairs and a very aggressive goal that made me so achy.
• i disappointed Her. All the pain and sweat and work and aching and running and tummy crunchers haven't been enough. i needed to have done more and demanded more from myself and i didn't and so She left disappointed in me for the first time in a long time. Whatever the punishment is for not making my goal will be secondary to this feeling. i have been so happy with Her lately - that She was happy with me. i can always tell when She is pleased because of this: [8:27] Jacquelin Mazi smiles and beeps your nose lightly. When she does that it is because i have done well, i have pleased Her, i have lived in an absence of screw ups and given her my most sincere efforts. More than anywhere, i am motivated by recognition when i am with Mistress. She could give me thousands of Lindens and all the freedom and liberty i could ask for but i would trade it all for one of Her nose beeps.
• This is one time when i can honestly say that i gave Her my best effort and still fell short. There have been times with Her when i have been lazy, unmotivated, not in the mood... call it what you will and i failed because of that. This time was different. This time i could see the goal and see the benefit and it was just too much for me. Regardless of what happens, i am glad for having this as a goal.
• She could give me a more aggressive exercise goal as a punishment but that seems unlikely since i already fell short on this one. Maybe She would... i really have no idea but i have no doubt that it will be dreadful. i so wish that it had already begun so that it could be finished more quickly.
• i am sorry. This isn't the kind of casual, over-used 'i'm sorry' that is sometimes tossed about. This is a real, sincere, 'i am sorry for disappointing You.'